One of the best things about winter's demise, in addition to the warmer temperatures, is that we all soon will be back to normal. There's something about the winter months that seems to bring out the worst in people.
Bill Hulterstrom, United Way associate director for Utah County, says cold temperatures make everyone a little crazy. He's probably right.For example, Bill says, how many of us have been busy playing our little plastic McDonald's menu song records in hopes of winning $1 million? Never mind that your chances of cashing in on the big prize are only one in 80 million. Most of us have a better chance of making it to the celestial kingdom.
Without realizing it, we've been conned into listening to McMusical commercials - a ruse we would never fall for in the summer. If that weren't bad enough, high school students in Salt Lake on Monday were busy competing to see who could most rapidly recite the McDonald's menu.
Please, give us a break . . . today.
ADD SATANISM: News coverage also gets a little strange during the winter months.
In January, you probably read about a local group out to win over converts from the ranks of the dark side. The group is called People Against Satanic Satanism (notice the clever acronym, PASS). Perhaps other types of satanism exist besides the satanic kind, but the group's name sounds like the product of some department of redundancy department.
Not to worry. I've declared WARR (Writers Against Redundant Redundancy) on superfluous superfluity.
SUBTRACT SALMAN RUSHDIE: The cold weather seems to have zapped from the Ayatollah Khomeini what little lucidity he had left. If we had any doubt about the ayatollah's elusive humanity, his call for the murder of "The Satanic Verses" author Salman Rushdie kind of clears things up.
Even Cat "Peace Train" Stevens, a Muslim convert who now calls himself Yussuf Islam, jumped on the bandwagon last week, declaring: "The Koran makes it clear; if someone defames the prophet, then he must die."
The Cat and ayatollah might do well to review these verses from the Koran: "Allah loveth not aggressors" and, speaking of warmer weather, "Whoso slayeth a believer (another Moslem like Rushdie) of set purpose, his reward is hell forever."
FIND TAPES: Not since the Nixon White House has there been so much trouble over missing tapes.
The tape recording of a public hearing on the controversial limousine liquor bill has turned up missing, and the tape recording of a Utah County Council of Governments meeting in January with a consultant was never made because the tape recorder failed.
The contents of the public hearing tape turned out to be insignificant. But the same can't be said about the Council of Governments discussion, about which a Salt Lake consultant claims he was authorized to do $20,000 worth of lobbying for the council. COG members recall no such authorization.
Last week, the two sides met again, only to respectively exclaim: "Did so. Did not. Did so. Did not. Did so. Did not. Did so. Did not."
TABLED TABLES: If that feud weren't bad enough, Utah County commissioners still haven't cleared the air with Geneva Steel over whether the company will pay for two new tables, valued at about $6,000, for county conference rooms.
Last fall Geneva agreed to donate the tables, but relations have soured a bit since then. The tables already are in the new county building, but commissioners say they aren't about to ask Geneva for the donation money. Any volunteers?
NEWSPAPER BOOM: Brigham Young University students have taken to blowing up on-campus newspaper dispensers. Officials offered a $500 reward for the culprits' capture. Rumor has it that officials want to thank them. Is nothing sacred?
***** Take heart, Bill. Winter's almost over. We'll all soon be back to normal.