How's this for a seduction scene? You slip into something satiny with a spaghetti strap that falls from the shoulder. As you approach the bed (with the perfumed sheets), your foot becomes entangled in a mound of paper being spewed out by a fax machine, causing you to bump into the filing cabinet and send the keyboard to the word processor crashing to the floor. If that doesn't take the fire out of your desire, it'll at least slow you down.

I didn't know bedrooms had "gone corporate" until I complained in a column about the exercise bicycle at the bottom of my bed. The mail that followed enlightened me.According to one writer, her bedroom is so full of business machines, people ask, "Who's your decorator? Shearson Lehman Hutton?" Another one who complained of romance between the sheets (fax, that is) said she considered draping herself in all that paper and becoming a Turkish belly dancer.

One disenchanted wife said she and her husband don't have exercise equipment, but they are part of a new trend that brings a microwave oven and a small refrigerator to their bedroom for those late snacks of popcorn and pizza while they're watching television. Another woman offered to trade me my exercise bicycle for the large German shepherd dog draped over the foot of her bed every night like a "snoring quilt."

It has become apparent that the sexy mirrored bedroom that television depicts as the last stop before ecstasy isn't a parking lot for sex at all, but a gym . . . an office . . . a kitchen . . . or a kennel.

Here's a challenge for you. Go to your bedroom and take a look. Is this a room that sets a tone for intimacy, passion and adventure? Or is it decorated in the following decor?

-Early Cloth World: A dress form, sewing machine and swatches of material dominate the room. The shag rug on the floor contains some decorating surprises - straight pins that go straight through a bare foot.

-Neo-Laundry: My personal favorite is a bedroom where the bed is dramatically underplayed. It is buried under a mountain of clothes to be folded. Every night the clothes are taken off the bed and dumped on chairs. Every morning, the clothes are returned to the bed.

-Collectible Primitives: Many bedrooms have "carport looks." They hold items destined to become antiques. These rooms are stacked with the bird cage of the bird that died, plants that need repotting, a carton containing toilet tissue purchased on sale, stacks of old decorating magazines, canceled checks, etc.

One woman said her and her husband's bedroom held a huge TV screen and a wall of videotapes of football games past. I'll bet even Alexis on "Dynasty" never made love with the Notre Dame fight song playing in the background!