Sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't be better off living in a Hoover, Eureka or some other brand of vacuum.

I say this because it seems every time I read something in the paper about U.S. foreign policy, I just become more confused. You don't think U.S. foreign policy has anything to do with that-do you? I didn't think so.Please don't get me wrong. I'm not the sort that goes around nitpicking every little thing our government does when it comes to making dumb foreign policy.

Like, I thought it was great the way we flexed our muscles on that Caribbean superpower Grenada a few years back. I'm also in wholehearted agreement that we should'nt let Yasser whats-his-name into our country until he shaves. I wouldn't even be opposed to Congress voting to spend a tax dollar to run out and buy him a package of Good Newses or Bics the next time they go on sale at K mart.

Why, I even admit it does my heart good every time we blow up several hundred million dollars worth of Gadhafi's hammers, chisels or other military hardware over the Mediterranean. And I still get a lump in my throat whenever I shred some carrots with my Salad Shooter thinking about what a bum rap poor Ollie is getting on this whole Iran-Contra thing.

Get the picture?

What I do want to know, though, is what in the name of J. D Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't OUR guys finally winnidanforth Quayle II is going on in Afghanistan right now?

These are the very same card-carrying Moslem guerillas that Dan Rather hung out with long enough to get really famous and then parlayed it into a salary with CBS comparable to a winning lottery number-right?

Why then is the Soviet Union-the official sponsor of world chaos and other nastiness-suddenly running around the streets of Kabul generally acting like Boy Scouts? They reportedly offered protection and help in evacuating American Embassy personnel from the Afghan capital-just when OUR Moslem rebels are on the verge of swooping down upon the Red hoard and turning its puppet government into kindling.

Ready for a bigger brain cramp? Why is our government willing to let these Soviet tenderfoots help our people across the street. After all, aren't they the ones who started this whole mess by bringing in Pinocchio in the first place?

Lacking proper bureaucratic training, I'm more than a little fuzzy on all of this.

I mean, would the Hatfields expect the McCoys to come to their aid? Wouldn't Batman and Robin think twice about accepting help from the Joker, Riddler or Penguin? If Robin Givins were caught in a pinch, don't you think she'd be a wee bit wary if Mike Tyson were the one offering to lift a finger-unless of course Pepsi was planning another commercial?

Which leads us to the subject of Hollywood and U.S. foreign policy-which some argue both fall into the category of make-believe. Everyone knows John Wayne wouldn't head off into the sunset with the Indians just about the time the 7th Calvary comes into view.

And one more Hollywood tidbit: Didn't we just send Rambo to Afghanistan last year to help these same Moslem rebels out? Any 8-year-old knows you don't call out Rambo unless you're REALLY serious.

Of course all these career foreign service types don't seem to have a clue. I say we give them all the afternoon off and send them home to have a son-to-father chat about foreign policy with little Billy.

Or at least rent the video.

Word from the bureaucrats, by the way, is that the United States will re-establish its presence in the Afghan capital "when the conflict ends." The consensus amoung foreign policy experts in Washington-who sit around all day in these giant think vats and contemplate high-brow stuff like Moslem rebels, acid rain and pro football point spreads-is that the Moselm rebels will beat the Bengals in the Super Bowl once Soviet forces complete their scheduled withdrawl in mid-February.

Except Uncle Sam won't be there to roll out the red carpet for them.

We've decided to fold the tent instead.

Nitpick, nitpick, nitpick.