I don't want to put a damper on the festivities on the day of the Big Game, but as a professional journalist I feel an obligation to report alarming new evidence that popular corporate beer spokesdog Spuds MacKenzie is stuffed.
I uncovered this evidence at a lavish private Super Bowl party at Penrod's on Miami Beach, where a large grazing herd of us professional journalists was snorking up food and drinks being provided by Penrod's absolutely free on the assumption that we would mention Penrod's a lot in our stories and give a lot of free publicity to Penrod's, although of course we will not do this for Penrod's because of our high standards of journalistic integrity. Penrod's Penrod's Penrod's.So there I was, at Penrod's, when a police-escorted limousine the size of Connecticut arrived and emitted a professional-boxer-style entourage, at the center of which was a woman carrying this . . . this thing, which at one time may have been a functioning, vaguely canine life form, but which was exhibiting none of the characteristic behavior of normal dogs, such as (1) barking at air molecules, (2) throwing up for no reason and (3) locating, with unerring instinct, the most sexually repressed person in the room and displaying an intense research interest in this person's private zone.
Instead, the thing in the woman's arms just lay there, encased in a tuxedo, getting carried like an hors d'oeuvre tray from room to room, always staring straight ahead with an expression even more brain-dead, if such a thing is possible, than the one that appeared on J. Danforth Quayle's face during the vice-presidential debate when he was asked whether he had even the vaguest notion of what he would do if God forbid something happened to the president, such as he got attacked by a crazed bonefish.
So I figure that this has to be a stuffed dog. Because the only other possible explanation is that somebody has pumped enough tranquilizers into this pathetic animal to depress a mastodon, and I can't imagine that the people in charge of a major recreational beverage corporation would do such a thing to an innocent creature, can you? Of course if they ARE guilty of this, they ought to suffer some truly terrible punishment. Such as having to drink their own beer.
Speaking of justice, I am very pleased to report that, according to reliable rumors, the Astoundingly Rev. Al Sharpton, fresh off the triumphant Tawana Brawley 1988 World Tour, is taking time out from his busy schedule to come down to this troubled community and offer his special brand of assistance, despite the very real personal risk that he might get on television.
It is not clear as of this writing whether the Rev. Sharpton will have his own blimp. We are pleased to report, however, that there will be blimps at the Super Bowl representing: Goodyear, NBC Sports, some insurance company that would probably weasel out of reimbursing you if its blimp crashed on your house, Diet Pepsi, Regular Pepsi, Caffeine-Free Regular Diet Pepsi, West Germany, Spam, the manatees, Caffeine-Free Spam, Leona Helmsley and organized crime. Penrod's will not have a blimp.
I went to rehearsals of the Super Bowl pre-game and halftime shows, and I'm pleased to report that they are in total compliance with federal pre-game and halftime regulations requiring that all such shows feature hundreds of young people feigning wild enthusiasm over music that was mildly popular a decade before the young people were born.
The pre-game show will feature Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello performing their immortal hit "Beach Blanket Bingo" on a giant beach made out of plastic, and there will also be - this is true - a musical tribute to the Everglades featuring trained dancers crawling across the field wearing inflatable alligators on their backs.
I'm sure the halftime show will be equally wonderful, although when I was there the person in charge seemed kind of grim about how things were going. "PEOPLE!" he was saying over the loudspeaker, in the serious tone of voice you might use to announce an impending nuclear attack. "I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH THE IMPORTANCE OF COMING OUT IN STRAIGHT LINES!! IF YOU COME OUT ALL MISH-MASHED, IT WILL RUIN THE WHOLE EFFECT OF WHAT WE ARE TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH!!!"
It looked to me like he could have used a few hits of whatever they're giving Spuds.
LATE SPORTS BULLETIN: Due to various player commitments to perform comical dances and film commercials about going to Disney World, the actual football portion of today's game has been postponed until further notice.