The new year opens on a positive note as a massive unexpected blizzard caused by the Greenhouse Effect slams into Iowa and traps an estimated 3,000 leading presidential contenders; tragically, most of them are able to survive by eating non-essential aides.
-The Federal Aviation Administration bans nose-picking on flights where ther cabin lights are on. A Michigan supermarket shopper encounters Elvis in frozen foods.
-Vice President George Bush's handlers, concerned about their candidate's "wimp" image, check him into the Ben Johnson Clinic for Sports Medicines in Bulk.
-Toadlike Panamanian strongman and longtime U.S. ally Manuel Noriega, speaking on Panamanian national television, says that "anyone who wants to buy some drugs should call me," adding that "I will sell you some drugs" because "I am engaged in drug trafficking." Observant U.S. foreign-policy experts begin to suspect that "something fishy" might be going on.
-In a decision that will later prove to be a tragic mistake, Massachusetts Gov. Michael Dukakis approves a prison furlough for U.S. Attorney General Edwin Meese.
-George Bush gives a nationally televised "noogie" to CBS Anchorperson From Space Dan Rather and is rewarded by his handlers with an extra bowl of Hormone Chow.
Suspected drug trafficker Manuel Noriega purchases a full-page advertisement for "mail-order narcotics" in My Weekly Reader. Observant U.S. foreign-policy experts examine this possible clue with magnifying glasses and secret decoder rings.
-Elvis appears at K Marts in Vermont and Alabama.
-Alexander Haig withdraws from the presidential race and urges his supporters to return to their spacecraft.
-Primary election day finally dawns in New Hampshire as thousands of voters go to the polls, read the names of the leading presidential contenders, then lie down in the snow to die.
-The Winter Olympics are marred by suspicions of possible drug abuse after Ular Bforgsen of Norway wins the ski jump with a leap of 14,768 feet.
-True item: Published reports reveal that a U.S. B-1 bomber, which costs $238 million and is designed to use the world's most sophisticated technology to be able to penetrate deep into Soviet airspace, crashed because it hit a pelican.
-A man with a heavy Russian accent is arrested in Pensacola, Fla., after he attempts to purchase 250,000 pelicans for use as "pets."
In a crucial First Amendment case, the Supreme Court rules that Hustler magazine does NOT have to pay Jerry Falwell $200,000, but DOES have to return both his gerbils.
-Elvis appears in an American Express commercial.
-Unfairly hounded patriot Oliver North announces with deep regret that he must retire from the Marine Corps, even though this means he must start making speeches for upwards of $25,000 a pop, depending on how many times you want his voice to crack with emotion.
-George "The Enforcer" Bush, explaining his Anti-Crime Platform at a Texas campaign rally, bites the head off a duck.
-Former White House press secretary Larry Speakes writes a book, Speaking Out, which contains the shocking claim that he made up quotations for President Reagan. In response, the president's aides inform him that he is "outraged."
-In Los Angeles, television writers go on strike to demand larger crayons.
Larry Speakes, on a promotional tour for his book, quotes President Reagan as having told him, "Larry, I love your book, 'Speaking Out,' available in leading book stores, and I think everyone should buy it."
-Hopes for peace soar as the White House and the Kremlin announce plans for a Moscow summit meeting intended to ease tensions between Nancy Reagan and Raisa Gorbachev.
-In the Academy Award ceremonies, "The Last Emperor" wins the coveted Oscar for Longest Film, narrowly edging out all the other entries spliced together. The winner in the Comeback of the Year category is sentimental favorite Richard Nixon, for his vivid portrayl of the lead weasel in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?'
The Baltimore Orioles, having set a record by starting the season with baseball's longest-ever losing streak, fire manager Cal Ripkin Sr., who is immediately hired as an advisor by the Democratic National Committee.
-Former White House chief of staff Donald Reagan reveals in his new book, "Getting Even," that Nancy Reagan regularly used the Blue Room for animal sacrifice. The first lady angrily denies the charge through a White House spokespriest.
-In his regularly scheduled biannual press conference, President Reagan is unable to explain how the SALT treaty came to be smeared with what appears to be rooster blood.
-Iran and Iraq run out of teenage boys and sensibly decide to call of their war. In Baton Rouge, the Rev. Jimmy Swaggart, announcing that he has been forgiven by the Lord, returns to his pulpit, where he receives a heartwarming reception from approximately 300 billion locusts.
In the historic Moscow Superpower Wives Summit Chat, Mrs. Gorbachev "accidentally" spills nearly a gallon of 195-degree tea on Mrs. Reagan's leg, causing the first lady to "involuntarily" claw an 18-Inch fingernail gash in Mrs. Gorbachev's back. Spokespersons describe the exchange as "frank."
-In a cover story, Newsweek magazine reports that the Greenhouse Effect is getting worse and nobody can stop it and the polar ice caps are going to melt and we're all going to die. Next week's cover: Cher.
-President Reagan nominates Shirley MacLaine to be Secretary of Astrology. Confirmation hearings are expected to last 65,000 years.
-The Rev. Al Sharpton, determined to achieve justice no matter how much attention he must receive, announces a new line of Tawana Brawley action figures.
In a tragic international incident, an unarmed Iranian commercial jetliner is shot down by syndicated columnist Carl Rowan, who tells police that he kept an unregistered SM-2 surface-to-air missile in his home because he was concerned about "wind shear."
-President Reagan, inspecting the drought, shakes hands with some corn.
-In the ongoing presidential campaign, the Democrats, warned by top campaign strategist Walter Mondale that they are in grave danger of winning several states, nominate Michael "The Human Quaalude" Dukakis, who celebrates by re-taking his SAT tests.
-The Teamsters elect a new president, Manuel "The Panamanian Strongman" Noriega.
-In sports, giant pneumatic Brigitte Nielsen abandons Mark Gastineau for Roger Rabbit.
In Gdansk, Poland, shipyard workers finally reach an agreement with the governm ent after eight years on strike and return to work, only to discover amid much hearty laughter that they no longer have the faintest idea how to build ships.
-In New Orleans, the Republicans nominate George Bush despite the fact that, in what medical experts say is a common side effect, he has started to see many little "points of light." Bush selects as his vice-presidential candidate "Dan" Quayle, who is assigned the important campaign responsibility of Luggage Czar.
-In Gdansk, the first ship to be built in the Polish shipyards since the end of the strike, the S.S. Unit, is dedicated in a moving underwater ceremony.
-Pieces Of Republican campaign luggage are found strewn as far away as Equador, prompting George Bush to reassign "Dan" Quayle to the important post of Refreshments Czar.
-In Hawaii, Ferdinand Marcos says that if he's allowed to return home, he'll pay the Filipino government $5 billion, which he earned by washing cars.
George Bush, his pupils the size of gnat eggs, gives a moving speech commemorating the attach of Pearl Harbor, then enjoys a hearty Thanksgiving dinner.
-The America's Cup competition, reflecting radical improvements in technology, is won decisively bu the U.S.S. Vincennes when skipper Dennis Conner "mistakes" the New Zealand challenger for an attacking Iranian fighter jet.
-The Bush campaign hires the director of the popular "Friday the 13th" movies to produce a series of issues-oriented campaign commercials.
-In Olympic action, sprinter Ben Johnson wins the 100-meter dash, the 200-meter hurdleS, the pole vault, platform diving, table tennis and tae kwon do. "It felt very good today," says the Canadian athlete, although not in any recognizible language.
-The Bush campaign releases its first issues-oriented commercial, He's Coming to Suburb," based on the true-life story of furloughed rapist Willie Horton, played by troubled boxer Mike Tyson. A furious Michael Dukakis responds by mowing his lawn.
-In Olympic action, sprinter Ben Johnson, competing without a horse, sweeps the equestrian events.
Three California gray whales, seeking to break into show business, arrange to become trapped in the ice near Barrow, Alaska.
-Controversy erupts following the presidential debate when, in mandatory post-debate testing, Bush's urine sample explodes. A debate official announces the the Dukakis sample cannot be analyzed "until it thaws."
-The Bush campaign scores another box-office smash with its latest campaign-commercial release: "Willie, Part XVI: He Wants Your Daughter." Michael Dukakis shrewdly retaliates by telling a rally that if elected, his number one priority will be "penmanship." -True item: Nancy Reagan's press secretary acknowledges that the first lady "broke her little promise" made 1982, when she announced that she would stop "borrowing," and not returning, expensive gowns and jewelry supplied by fashion designers.
-The California gray whales appear on "Wheel of Fortune." -Geraldo Rivera has his nose broken on TV. Ratings soar.
-Scientists using sophisticated carbon-dating techniques to examine the long-venerated Shroud of Turin discover a small tag that says "DRY CLEAN ONLY."
The publishers of Batman comics, responding to a poll of their readers, kill Pee-wee Herman.
-The California gray whales are freed from the ice by rock-throwing Arab youths. Geraldo's ratings climb still higher as he has both legs broken on TV.
George Bush wins the presidency, narrowly edging out furloughed rapist Willie Horton.
A newly svelte Oprah Winfrey reveals on national television that she was able to lose 243 pounds through a special nutritional program in which she spent five months, under close medical supervision, trapped in the ice near Barrow, Alaska.
-Nancy Reagan checks into the Imelda Marcos Clinic For Women Addicted to Designer Clothing.
-The Air Force attempts to roll out the "Slealth" bomber, but cannot locate it.
-Canada elects an entire national government in less time than it takes a U.S. congressional candidate to order rally balloons.
Plans for the gala Bush inauguration festivities proceed apace with the important assistance of newly appointed Valet Parking Czar "Dan" Quayle.
-The space shuttle Atlantis takes off with a top-secret payload.
-The miracle of satellite communications enables an estimated 4 billion viewers around the world to tune in for "The Geraldo Rivera Christmas Eve Disembowlment Special."
-Nancy Reagan escapes from the Imelda Marcos Clinic. Specially trained Indiana National Guardsmen wearing coordinated outfits are posted at the entrance to rodeo Drive.
-In a touching New Year's Eve gesture, George Bush televises a special "Good Luck" message to orbiting Top-Secret Payload Czar "Dan" Quayle. As the broadcast ends, Bush starts to feel chest pains. It's probably nothing. Don't even think about it.