Well, we're three days into 1989 and I haven't broken my resolutions yet. That's because I haven't made them yet.
I was going to resolve to stop procrastinating, but it's a little late for that.I considered resolving to lose some weight, but when I tried to get up and walk to the scale, I found I was beached in my chair.
I could probably keep my apartment cleaner. That would be easy. The hard task would be to keep it any messier than I do.
Then again, if I moved things, it might disorient the cat and that would be cruelty to animals. Besides, I think order is highly overrated. People are always telling me cleanliness is next to godliness. It's not true; I checked the dictionary. They're 45 pages apart.
Maybe my friends could give me some ideas, I thought. I found the phone under a pile of laundry and called a woman I met in college.
"I'm resolving to spend less time on the phone," she said. "Thanks for calling, talk to you again soon."
I dialed a second friend's number.
"I'm usually not a resolution kind of guy, but this year I am considering it," he said. "I'm thinking I should probably make some decisions about my life. Get a plan. Start moving forward. I don't know what direction, though."
"You're resolving to make some resolutions."
"Yeah, that's it! This is the year when I decide what decisions I should be making! Maybe."
He's right. It's probably important to be decisive. Or maybe it's not.
I called a third friend.
"I never make resolutions and you wouldn't either if you knew what was good for you," she said. "Resolutions are the kiss of death. Every year that I decide to lose weight, I gain it. Every year I decide to save money, I lose it. It's a proven law of nature - Murphy's Law. I would resolve never to make another serious decision, but I'm sure something bad would happen."
"Like I'd get elected judge and I wouldn't be able to make a decision. I'd get fired and I'd starve to death." She brightened. "Hey, that might be a way to lose that weight!"
Maybe she was right. Maybe the "Murphy's Law ricochet resolution" is the way to go.
Here goes nothing.
-I resolve to spend all my money on expensive clothes so I'll lose weight and they won't fit me.
-I resolve to leave my doors unlocked so thieves will clean out my apartment.
-I resolve to keep procrastinating. Prove me a failure, Murphy.