At Lefty's Bar and Grill the other night word reached us that lefties are an inferior species who are responsible for more accidents and premature deaths than any other group.
Lefty George was so outraged that he knocked over a bottle and spilled beer on his pants. "They have nobody left to persecute, so they have decided to go after left-handers."Lefty Eddie said, "I deny that I have any physical or psychological disorders."
"Why are you setting the tablecloth on fire?" Sam the Southpaw asked me.
"I am left-handed," I admitted. "And I am not ashamed to say it. The report was obviously written by right-handed psychologists who have persecuted left-handers since time began. "
"Listen to this," Lefty Deardorf said as he read from his newspaper. "Left-handers are more prone to diseases and disorders than right-handers."
Lefty Cronheim yelled, "That's a stack of horse manure." He clutched the air as he fell off his stool.
We all turned to Fred the ambidextrous bartender.
"Fred, do you think left-handers are more dumb than right-handers?"
He replied, "No. They are just slower. Look at Frieda over there. No one will dance with her because she has two left feet. Frankly, I have no problems with lefties unless they're the designated drivers."
"Do you really believe that we're accident-prone like the study indicates?"
"Not all of you," Fred said, "but I do worry about your reflexes. I heard on television that lefties always forget to put gas in their cars."
Most of the left-handed people at the bar were edgy and dropping their pretzels everywhere.
Lefty Dowd cried, "Let's kill the right-handers before they kill us. "
"How can we? There are no left-handed guns," I told him.
"We should have had the brains to figure that out," Frieda declared.
Lefty Cronheim announced, "Left-handers are better lovers than right-handers."
He had our attention. He explained, "I have heard this from many women who have been kissed from the right and from the left. Left-handers hold women as if they mean it."
Frieda asked, "What about left-handed women? Are they better romantically than right-handed ones?"
"Probably," I assured her. "But the ideal situation is if you put a left-handed woman with a left-handed guy. Then you'll really see the Earth move."