Want ads: HELP WANTED - Administration of major Western Hemisphere nation seeking anyone with an economic program. Military and foreign-policy expertise not necessary; we've got that covered. Prefer something between Arthur Laffer and Richard Darman, ideally with no contacts whatsoever on Capitol Hill. We know we believe in something, but we want you to help us find out what it is. Ability to read own lips helpful.

SITUATION WANTED - Former investment banker seeks productive work of any kind. Extremely fast talker. Expert at convincing big financial types that there's really no essential difference between a silk purse and a sow's ear. Seasoned by recent spell of government work, in federal penitentiary. Extensive wardrobe of red suspenders and yellow ties. Salary not important, but preference given to employers offering bonuses in excess of $100 million annually.BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY - Opposition party willing to provide extensive funding for presidential candidate. Chance to travel country and stay in nice hotels. Laundry and tips included. Experience in previous presidential campaigns not required; in fact, the less the better. Ability to recite Pledge of Allegiance and to support occasional military action essential.

CATS AND DOGS - Large supply available, ready to be unloaded on unwary investors. Many of these pets have been kept in their cages for years, awaiting the arrival of a healthier new-issues market. Now's your chance to own some of the mangiest animals in our collection, at a price we guarantee you won't believe. For those who plan ahead: Huge new delivery of exotic pigs expected next month.

HANDGUNS - Former president of New World republic peddling altered merchandise. Inventory of ideas previously scorned now shined up and offered as own work. High sentimental value, especially for marksmen who understand the political shell game. Waiting period for Mount Rushmore now seems certain.

CAREER TRAINING - Wonderful chance to upgrade skills for economists who can't figure out why the economy, following a brief interruption in a record expansion, is about to start growing again. A fun-filled curriculum including mass burning of the works of Karl Marx and John Maynard Keynes. An opportunity to meet real people and understand what actually makes them tick. (Not certified on the officially approved roster of Politically Correct courses.)

REAL ESTATE - A package deal involving plots of land inside and outside Washington, D.C. The trick is to figure out how what's going on at the former site affects the value of the latter. Qualified buyers will get a chance to purchase a used 1986 tax "reform" package, easily adaptable for use in garbage landfill projects. (Not suitable for children.)

MERCHANDISE OFFERINGS - Formerly acclaimed stock-market analyst offers used cycle. It zigs when market zags, but nobody's perfect.

LOST AND FOUND - Chairman of Federal Reserve Board anxious to locate previous excessive fears of inflation, which led him to squelch economic growth and help precipitate national recession. Will trade for recently found merry abandon in expanding money supply like drunken monetary sailor, in hopes of eventually locating a steadier policy. (Reward, plus attractively low interest rates.)

BUYERS WANTED - Retail stores, airlines and auto dealers seek customers. We promise (sort of) not to treat you with such contempt any more, and sure would like to see you and your cash. We miss you a lot. Really and truly. If you've got the money, honey, boy do we have the goods.

TAX NOTICE - Hi there, have you noticed how your taxes are going up again? We thought we'd fool you into thinking that only some rich guys were getting hit in 1991, but heck, let's be honest: The average guy's combined federal, state and local tax bite has set another record. But you ain't seen nothing yet. Just thought you might want to know.

PUBLIC NOTICE - I am no longer responsible for debts incurred by my government, which has left my bed and board, and its senses.