Let's face it - "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze" was not made for me.
Not because I'm a movie critic - because I'm an adult.And it doesn't matter one bit what I say about this movie. It's a $100 million sure thing. Every kid in America will see it - more than once.
Aside from the fact that it's my job, I really went to the critics' screening of this film because my children might have disowned me if they ever found out I could have taken them and didn't.
But I did take them and they loved it.
And that's OK. I'm in favor of movies for children that their parents don't understand. There's nothing wrong with that.
It's just too bad the children aren't old enough to take themselves.
For me, "Ninja Turtles II" wore out its welcome before it was over. But I have to admit it seems to be an improvement on the original film - it's funnier, more of the violence is comical in nature (sort of Three Stooges-ish) and David Warner has some very nice moments as an absent-minded scientist.
The story has the turtles - Michaelangelo, Leonardo, Raphael and Donatello - along with their rat-master Splinter - doing battle once again with their arch-nemesis the Shredder, head of the lethal ninjas known as The Foot.
They also find out the origin of the title ooze, which mutated them from teeny turtles into numchuk-wielding, pizza-eating, adult-sized turtles who can think and talk - and rap.
In addition to doing battle with two mutated monsters - a giant wolf and snapping turtle - they find time to sing and dance with rap artist Vanilla Ice.
But why am I telling you all this?
Is it going to make any difference?
Is it going to send you to or keep you away from this movie? Is it going to give you any additional information that will help you better understand the nature of the beast . . . so to speak?
This is "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II!"
If you're a kid, you're going to see it. If you're a parent you may have no choice.
And it definitely affects youngsters differently than parents.
When I came out of the theater the last thing I was thinking of was the insipid Vanilla Ice number, with its "Go ninja, go ninja, go" lyrics. But later in the day, guess what my 8-year-old son was singing.
And my 11-year-old son wanted to know when it opens in the theaters so he can go see it again.
"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II" is rated PG for cartoon violence.