The major drawback to ownership of a telephone answering machine is the challenge of dreaming up an intelligent, memorable, scathingly witty recorded message. Spy magazine dials up the celebs and discovers they fare no better than you or I. Some messages:

- Peter Fonda: (Crash sound effect) "Jeez, you hit the ranch. We can't find the phone right now; we'll try to get back to you. Wait for the beep."- Lauren Bacall: "It's ridiculous, but I'm not here, so if you leave your name, number and the hour of your call, I will get back to you when I am here, if I am here. Isn't that an amazing . . . situation?"

- Lauren Hutton: "Hi. Um . . . I don't know. I'm outta here. Leave a message; I'll check in. Bye."

- Joey Heatherton: "Hi, this is Joey. I'm not in. When you hear the beep, you know what to do - do it."

- Connie Chung and Maury Povich: (Together - almost) "We're not here, so just leave your message." (Long pause. Maury's voice:) "Boy, we're not even in sync." (Connie's voice:) "I think that was OK!"