Having received an incredible number of complaints about people talking too much in movie theaters, a local chain has decided to get aggressive, issuing cattle prods to its ushers.

Just kidding.But don't you sometimes wish they would?

Granted, I go to the movies a lot, so maybe I see more of it. And granted, it is often in the company of audiences that got in free and are more in a party mood than a watching mood - especially when the film is being sponsored by certain radio stations whose deejays like to get the crowd worked up before the movie.

But considering the campaigning done by patrons, critics and the theaters themselves about how much the majority of the audience appreciates silence in the auditorium, it's amazing how many people still talk all through the show.

So what do you do when someone simply won't shut up?

I mean, of course, cattle prods aren't really the answer.

Hanging, maybe.

No, no - I'm kidding. Really. Don't start bringing ropes when you go to the movies.


Not really, that's a joke.

But if you have had experiences trying to deal with talkative moviegoers - good or bad - or if you have any suggestions about what to do when gentle reminders seem to go unheeded, drop me a line:

Deseret News

P.O. Box 1257

Salt Lake City, UT 84110.

- AND SPEAKING OF ANNOYANCES, is anyone else bothered by the ads that play incessantly on TV monitors in local video stores? Especially when there are several monitors and the ads - complete with noisy sound effects - are played over and over at maximum volume levels.

Maybe it's a ploy to get the customers in and out in a hurry. If so, it works on me.

The only thing worse is a red-light special in a variety store.

And TV ads for feminine hygiene products.

And when you walk down a flight of stairs and think there's one more stair but there isn't.

And dog doo in your yard when you don't have a dog.

And standing in line for a half-hour at the multiplex only to find you're in the wrong line.

And going through the car wash with your back window open.

And video store employees who have obviously never heard of anyone who is pre-Tom Cruise.

And. . . .

- WHILE WE'RE GRIPING, by show of hands, how many of you are getting tired of little kids in the movies using foul language?

There are no fewer than three movies in town right now that make jokes of very young children using vulgar language and/or kids using the correct words for male and female sex organs as a shock effect.

The films are "Three Men and a Little Lady," "Kindergarten Cop" and "Eve of Destruction."

This isn't really a new idea, of course. In a way it seems to be a strange variation on a movie trend that occurred about a decade ago when it was a joke to have a little old lady use profanity. There were literally dozens of movies that did that sort of thing in the early '80s.

So what's next? Swearing pets, perhaps?

- AFTER HER STERLING performances in "She-Devil" and "Look Who's Talking Too," Roseanne Barr - she's not officially Roseanne Arnold yet, is she? - has landed her third movie role.

It's a cameo in "A Nightmare on Elm Street, Part 6."

Would I lie to you?

- HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE Diet Coke commercials on television with Steve Guttenberg? The comic actor, currently co-starring in "Three Men and a Little Lady," did an ad for Coca-Cola way back in 1980, before he became famous, and my guess is his salary has jumped considerably since then.

Anyway, the next time this new Diet Coke ad comes across your screen, look beyond Guttenberg and into the background. You'll see some of our gorgeous southern Utah scenery. The ad was shot near Moab.