Suppose you're really angry because the Denver Broncos are televised here in Utah every weekend. Or you're on the verge of a breakdown because the Jazz aren't playing up-tempo enough to suit your basketball fancy.
Or you just think the emblem on the side of BYU's football helmets is really ugly.What to do . . . what to do. You could call Mr. Spud, but that won't help much.
Your other option is to call KUTV sportscaster Dave Fox and hope he'll let you air your Sportsbeef on his Sunday night "Sports Den."
It's one of the very few chances local television viewers have to be on TV themselves - and they even get to complain. And all they have to do is call the Sportsbeef hotline, leave their beef and their phone number and wait for a call back.
"We never have a problem finding a Sportsbeef," Fox said. "We get plenty of calls.
"And we get a lot of real weird stuff."
Some calls are impossible to understand - like one woman who wanted to know where she could buy Pebbles Flintstones fuzzy slippers. (Do you suppose she called the wrong number?)
Others offer helpful advice - like the man who told Fox he shouldn't feed his dog chocolate chip cookies because chocolate is bad for dogs.
"One girl wanted to know if I was married because I didn't have a wedding ring on," Fox said. (He is, by the way.)
The Sportsbeef line averages 15-20 calls a week. "There's usually five or six that just complaining about TV coverage in general - they wanted to see this game or that game, they wanted some score," Fox said.
Another three or four forget to leave their phone numbers, cutting them off from consideration.
"But the rest are usually legitimate beefs," Fox said. "The majority of them are people who want to be on the air and speak their piece."
He got lots of calls about women in the lockerroom and ended up asking Deseret News sports writer Doug Robinson to air his beef on the subject. (Proving he isn't particularly picky about who he'll put on the air.)
This coming Sunday, a viewer will air her beef about CBS sportscaster John Madden.
Among Fox's favorite beefs was a woman who didn't like the way football players slap each other on the hind end. And one from a 15-year-old who wasn't allowed to stay up late enough to watch "Sports Den" - he wanted the program to air earlier.
And while the majority of those airing their beefs are television novices, they've been surprisingly easy to tape.
"It's a real relaxed atmosphere," Fox said. "They usually do it in just a few takes at most."
Still, it isn't easy making your TV debut. The week before the annual BYU-Utah football game, a Ute fan and a Cougar fan each made their cases.
"They were really going at each other before we turned the camera on - yelling and having a great time," Fox said. "Then they got on the air and they got a little frozen."
The Sportsbeef is something Fox had been kicking around for a while.
"We toyed with the idea a year or two ago," Fox said. "I had thought of doing it as a feature during the regular newscast. Then we started the `Sports Den' and it was the perfect vehicle for this."
For those of you who've missed the "Sports Den," it's sort of a 15-minute extension of Fox's approach to sportscasting - loose, irreverent and fun. Built in a corner of the KUTV newsroom, the Den appears to have been decorated by a demented fan.
Fox opens the show in his recliner with the Snack of the Week at his side.
The 15-minute program airs Sundays at 10:25 p.m., right after Ch. 2's news.
Almost all of the aspiring Sportsbeefers call in right after the "Sports Den," when the phone lines are overloaded. But you can call in any time during the week - the number is 973-3366.
It's your chance for television stardom.