There are some longstanding questions on my mind that no one has ever been able to resolve with satisfactory answers. See if you can.

Preface each of these with the magical question WHY IS IT . . .. . . so many people take life far too seriously and don't have any fun?

. . . that the scale at the doctor's office is always somewhere between 6 and 14 pounds heavier than the scale at home?

. . . that when you go to the doctor, worried about several maladies, he tells you those are not problems and then finds other things wrong with you that you didn't even know about?

. . . that your car starts just fine when the weather is below zero and then gives up the ghost a few days later when it warms up?

. . . that so many people - especially men - always do their Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve?

. . . that if you grind your teeth in your sleep you can never remember doing it?

. . . that all the people who didn't send you Christmas cards last year send them to you this year after you've decided not to send any to them?

. . . that after every snowstorm there are those unfailingly optimistic people who persist in cheerfully saying, "Well, we sure need the water!"

. . . when your time is limited to take in a good movie, you always choose the one that turns out to be so boring that it puts you to sleep?

. . . when your alarm goes off you are always unbelievably drowsy and want desperately to sleep longer, but if you have a morning when you can actually sleep in as long as you like, you can't do it?

. . . that people tend to get furious over the things that matter least instead of the things that matter most?

. . . that whenever you hear a joke it's always a variation of one you already heard only last week?

. . . that whenever you hear a joke its punchline comes at the expense of women or minorities?

. . . that politicians always tell us that we need to spend lots of money on weapons to promote peace? (Best example ever from Sen. Orrin Hatch: "I don't want a war either, but the best way to avoid war is to be willing to go to war."

. . . that women with large appetites are not considered attractive by men but the reverse is not true?

. . . that when you eat much, much more than you should have of a terrific meal, you always wish afterward that you hadn't?

. . . that whenever you take pains to record something wonderful on your VCR, you never, ever watch it afterward?

. . . that no matter how well you take care of your car, it will be in the shop at least every other week for major repairs?

. . . that if you ever get so sick that you have to stay home from work, you are always too sick to enjoy it?

. . . that even if you have a lot of clothes in your closet, you end up wearing the same two or three things every day?

. . . that no matter how hard you work to choose the most tasteful, wonderful item of clothing for your kids - they will take it back right after Christmas?

. . . that political campaigns seem to get longer and more dreadful every year?

. . . that those people who seem most devious and obnoxious are also invariably the most successful in life?

. . . that every bit of technical wizardry that we ever buy - cameras, computers, etc. - always has a book of instructions more complicated than the contraption itself?

. . . that so many people are fanatically devoted to sports, beginning with Little League and continuing through to professional teams?

. . . that so many people are materialistic in the extreme over clothes, houses, powerful cars and vacations in exotic places when they could be performing acts of service to those less fortunate?

. . . that no matter how good the reputation of a newspaper, it still leaves your hands black (including this one)?