Mr. Spud, when he isn't parked in front of the TV set, sometimes worries about his fellow couch potatoes.
With the exception of other television critics across this great nation of ours, no American should spend as much time watching TV as Mr. Spud does. But he knows that some of you come close.This can lead to a terrible malady - sofaspuditis.
The effects of this disease are many and varied - sufferers develop an extremely close relationship with their couch, their hand feels empty without a remote control in it, their brains are clogged with useless TV trivia.
Here are a few danger signs that can help you determine if you are suffering from sofaspuditis:
- You know the names of all the attorneys on "L.A. Law."
- You know all the words to the theme song from "The Patty Duke Show." ("Meet Cathy who's lived most everywhere . . . ")
- You've seen the same guests on "Oprah," "Donahue," "Joan Rivers," "Sally Jesse Raphael" and "Geraldo."
- You've watched every minute of every Super Bowl ever played - including blowouts like Chicago vs. New England and any Super Bowl featuring the Denver Broncos.
- You're afraid to go into the woods for fear that Bob will get you.
- The journalist you trust the most is Murphy Brown.
- You stay up nights trying to figure out a way to heal the rift between "Designing Women" star Delta Burke and producers Linda Bloodworth-Thomason and Harry Thomason.
- You're just positive you can tell when Ashley Olsen is playing Michelle on "Full House" and when it's her twin, Mary Kate Olsen.
- Your UTA bus driver reminds you of Ralph Kramden.
- You're knitting baby booties as a gift for Connie Chung and Maury Povich.
- You go into book stores and look for mysteries written by Jessica Fletcher.
- You know who the castaways voted for when they held an election for president of "Gilligan's Island."
- Norm and Cliff appear to be the perfect dinner companions.
- When you have a mystery in need of solving, you look for the nearest priest and nun.
- At least one of your children has been hospitalized during your efforts to win $10,000 on "America's Funniest Home Videos."
- You figure that Saddam Hussein hasn't got a chance when there are Americans like Major Dad in the Marine Corps.
- You don't think that any of the characters on "thirtysomething" whine anymore.
- You don't trust any doctors who are no longer in their teens.
- You notice that Homer Simpson wears his hair the same way you do.
- You wish that Valene and Gary would just get married again.
- You have figured out how long it would take to clean your house if you could just move as quickly as the Flash.
- You remember when Cliff Huxtable (the father of Sondra, Denise, Theo, Vanessa and Rudy) told his wife that the reason they had four children was "because we didn't want five."
- You can remember all the people that J.R. Ewing has played dirty tricks on.
- Sometimes you have an uncontrollable urge to "Do the Bartman."
If you have any of these symptoms, please don't ignore them. Sofaspuditis is one of the leading causes of brain atrophy in America today.
RELOCATING "DALLAS": No, CBS isn't going to move the city from its current site in Texas. But it is moving the series up an hour at the beginning of the year.
The long-running prime time soap will be seen Fridays at 8 p.m. beginning Jan. 4 - a time slot the series held from December 1981 until the middle of last season.
The reason for this latest shuffle is that Edward Woodward's "Over My Dead Body" is shuffling off to hiatusville after failing to find an audience. The show ranks No. 61 for the season in the most recent Nielsen figures available.
Slipping into the Friday at 9 p.m. slot is "Sons and Daughters," a family drama/comedy headlined by Lucie Arnaz, Don Murray and Rick Rossovich. If you're keeping track, "Sons" was supposed to premiere in September on Thursdays at 8 p.m. but got pulled off the schedule before it had even aired.
And, to make your Friday night viewing even more confusing, the network had previously announced that "The Guns of Paradise" (which used to be called just "Paradise") will return to fill the 7 p.m.-8 p.m. hour - in place of the canceled "Bagdad Cafe" and the hiatused "Uncle Buck."
Have you got all that?