'Tis the season for post-season football honors, so in keeping with the spirit of things we give you (drum roll, please) the annual Best and Worst (and other dubious honors) for the 1990 local college football season.
The envelope, please . . .BEST QUOTE I: "What was a football player doing
in a classroom anyway?" - Unnamed sports writer upon hearing that Ty Detmer had cut his hand while dissecting a shark in a class laboratory.
WORST QUOTE: "The WAC is getting better." - Any number of WAC coaches before the start of this (and every) season. Then BYU went out and beat WAC opponents by an average score of 46-18.
LUCKIEST PLAY OF THE YEAR: Utah versus Minnesota. What are the odds of 1) blocking a field goal; 2) having the ball bounce conveniently to your punt return specialist; 3) returning it 91 yards for a touchdown; 4) all on the final play of the game?
THE BERLIN WALL AWARD: To the University of Utah's offensive line. Everyone gets through.
BEST MORAL VICTORY: Division 1-AA Weber State loses to nationally ranked Division 1-A Wyoming 21-12 in Laramie.
NRA MAN OF THE YEAR: Ty Detmer, who killed two pheasants, one deer, one elk, and two doves this fall. Detmer had to set up an extra freezer in his living room to preserve all the meat.
BEST QUOTE II & II1/2: "You owe me one." - Ty Detmer to Chris Smith after Smith dropped a sure touchdown pass against CSU. "That's not what I had in mind." - Detmer to Smith after he dropped another TD pass against CSU.
BEST INTERVIEW: With the entire Salt Lake media waiting for a telephone conference with USU coach Chuck Shelton, Aggie sports information director Craig Hislop couldn't reach the coach, so he improvised. He interviewed Shelton's secretary, Karen, who compared a football game with a KISS concert. BEST REVENGE: To former Utah coach Jim Fassel, who scouted Utah's season opener for an upcoming Ute opponent - while still on the U. payroll.
WORST POST-SEASON HONORS CAMPAIGN: BYU touts halfback Matt Bellini for the Doak Walker Award, which goes to the nation's top running back. Bellini totaled 3 yards rushing this season.
WORST PATIENTS (tie): To BYU coach Dick Felt, who, a week after undergoing triple bypass heart surgery, set off alarms and a herd of nurses while watching the UTEP-BYU game on TV; To Utah's Jimmy Bellamy, who tried to take his chicken pox on the bus to San Diego to play against the Aztecs; To BYU fan Myron Johnson, who was taken from the Miami-BYU game to the hospital with what was believed to be a heart attack, then returned, accompanied by paramedics. Who says this is just a game?
MUTUAL OF OMAHA'S WILD KINGDOM AWARD: To KSL, which gave us Doug Miller and Ty Detmer, live from deer camp, chewing the fat around the ol' campfire; and to CBS, which went pheasant hunting with Detmer. Next week: Detmer goes coot hunting with Brent Musberger.
MOST VERSATILE PLAYER: Weber State's Melvin Maxwell, who doubles as a wide receiver for the football team and a dancer for the Chatonelles, the (usually) all-female halftime dancing group.
UNDERRATED FEAT OF THE YEAR: To BYU's ace tight end/Nintendo champ, Chris Smith, who claims he can save the Princess in Super Mario in nine minutes. RUNNERUP: To Utah strength coach Dwight Daub, who somehow found Bryan Rowley's contact lens in the end zone while 30,000 fans looked on.
BLITZ OF THE YEAR: To the BYU fans who stormed past helpless BYU security guards onto the Cougar Stadium field to celebrate the victory over Miami. "Well, after a point you just gotta realize there are more of them than there are of us," said one guard.
BEST PEDIGREE: To the Aggies, who have Floyd Foreman (second cousin to boxer George Foreman), Toby Tyler (nephew of former NFL running back Wendell Tyler), Roger Grant (third cousin to Steeler great Mel Blount), Del Lyles (cousin of Oilers linebacker Robert Lyles), Atu Fihaki (cousin of Browns fullback Tim Manoa), and Rod Moore (nephew of NBA great Nate Thurmond).
TERRIBLE TEMPER TANTRUM TROPHY (in TRIPLICATE): OK, there are these three brothers who are all BYU fans. Well, the story goes that the first brother became so disgusted by BYU's first-half performance against Washington State that he left Cougar Stadium in a huff and went to University Mall to walk it off. While strolling through the mall, he spots a TV in one of the shops and sees that BYU is mounting a comeback, so he drives to the second brother's home to watch the rest of the game on TV. The trouble is, Brother No. 2 isn't home. He's in the hospital. It seems he got so mad while watching the first half on TV that he slammed his fist into a table and broke his hand. So Brother No. 1 then drives to the home of Brother No. 3, where he finds that his picture window has been shattered by a flying shoe. Moral of the story: Remember SMU.
BEST RAP SONG: To Johnny Biscuit, a Provo comedian who, on a lark, wrote and recorded The Tysman Rap Song. At last count, sales were pushing 20,000 at $3.98 per cassette. The song has played on ESPN and ABC.
BEST COUGAR CONVERSION: To Ronnie Greenwood, a pet food manufacturer who, after watching the BYU-Miami game on his new satellite dish from his home in England, flew all the way to Provo to see the Cougars play in person.
BEST CASE OF BEING TWO PLACES AT ONCE: To USU quarterback Ron Lopez, whose name appeared on the roster of the Long Beach State brochure. The 49ers thought Lopez was going to play for them. They were wrong.
BEST REASON FOR A NATIONAL PLAYOFF: Miami No. 3, BYU No. 4.