Let's face it. Time management is the one thing we all live for. To show my conversion to stuffing as much as possible into a schedule, I am sharing a typical day in my life:
3:00 a.m. - Wake up to sprinklers. Begin mulling over column ideas.4:00 - Doze off.
5:45 - Alarm goes off. Reset alarm. Go back to sleep. Have scary dream of being chased by hoodlums.
6 - Alarm goes off. Jump out of bed. Elated that terrifying chase scene not real.
6 - Series of destructive calisthenics and exercise bike.
6:20 - Release attack cat from furnace room.
6:21 - Shower, shave, agonize over zits, wrinkles, thinning eyebrows and loss of hair suffered overnight.
6:40 - Join family for breakfast. Pontificate to kids about historical fallacies of media comparison of Saddam Hussein to Hitler. Smugly finish oat bran crisp cereal secure in knowledge that I am starting day low in cholesterol and high in fiber.
7:05 - Completely digest, and severely criticize competing local newspaper.
7:15 - Go over column ideas and plan day's feverish activity.
7:30 - Kiss wife with long, lingering, romantic embrace.
7:35 - Hop in Plymouth, pausing to exult at breathtaking sight of mountains as I zoom north on I-215.
8:00 - Arrive at dingy parking garage and complete I.Q. test designed by construction workers who have been repairing garage for past six years. Must carefully weave in and out of cones and ropes, hoping to find a level without heavy blasting instruments and mountains of dust.
8:05 - Climb on elevator, hold breath while lurching noisily to the street. Feel tremendous sense of relief when elevator doors open.
8:10 - Stop hyperventilating and walk out onto street.
8:15 - Arrive at desk and greet person I have never met before who is using my computer.
8:20 - Read over hate mail, sink into deep depression.
9:20 - Drink voraciously from fountain. Talk snobbishly to colleagues about Utah politics.
10:20 - Emerge from depression and begin work on column.
10:25 - Take angry phone call about Connie Chung column. Sink back into depression.
10:30 - Devour New York Times, USA Today and Deseret News, avoiding all stories with the words Iraq or war. Saves time.
10:50 - Resume work on column. Write like man possessed.
11:00 - Take angry phone call from reader who is amazed that I would malign entire population of Cowley, Wyo., in a column. So am I.
12:00 - Grab some yogurt for lunch. Because of depression over phone call, walk to See's and get raspberry cream chocolate.
12:30 - Chocolate helps. Resume work on column. Ideas flow.
1:00 - Ideas stop flowing. Walk around office. Talk to colleagues about pathetic performance of Boston Red Sox. Resist additional chocolate because of possible damage to arteries.
2:00 - Resume work on column. Write like crazy.
2:15 - Go to men's room and agonize over zit and loss of hair since noon.
3:00 - Resume work on column.
3:05 - Interrupted by nervous editor wondering when column will be finished. Ruins train of thought.
3:30 - Go book-brousing at Sam Weller's.
4:00 - Resume work on column. Write like crazy.
4:30 - Take break. Chew O'Boise Chips to renew thinking.
5:00 - Head home. Challenge of traffic energizes, get several new column ideas. Write three of them in mind.
5:30 - Arrive home. Take call from editor who wonders if column finished. Promise it first thing in morning.
Tomorrow's schedule even more productive. The rest of you eat heart out.