News Stories I'd Like to See:
-A consortium of Texas oil companies, proclaiming they felt guilty getting rich from the Middle East crisis, announced today that they would donate increased profits from soaring gasoline prices toward paying off the federal deficit.
- The computers of the companies that do massive program trading on Wall Street temporarily malfunctioned yesterday, ordering that stocks be sold low and bought high, leading to tens of millions in profits for small investors.- Declaring they care more about solving the nation's problems than their own ambition, the country's key candidates for governor agreed to donate half their campaign budgets toward a college scholarship fund for disadvantaged youth. "Why waste good money on self-promotional TV ads?" they explained.
- Sylvester Stallone, saying he is tired of exploiting the public and cashing in on old ideas, said today he is halting production of "Rocky V" and canceling plans for "Rocky VI" through "Rocky XV."
- The major league players association declared yesterday stratospheric salaries are ruining baseball's image and from here on they've agreed that all players should accept a base pay of $65,000, getting more only if their performance merits it.
- A Harvard University study sponsored by the National Science Foundation has concluded that two bowls of Oreo ice cream a night reduce the risk of colorectal cancer in adults by 50 percent.
- Millions of Iranians poured onto the streets of Tehran yesterday shouting, "Death to Iraq," and brandishing posters of Saddam Hussein that referred to him as "The Real Great Satan." Thousands in the crowd were spotted waving U.S. flags.
- A caucus of two dozen members of Congress announced plans to press for the closing of military bases and the cutoff of defense contracts in their own districts. "It may anger our constituents," the new caucus said, "but if we're serious about getting rid of the budget deficit, we have to start in our own backyards."
- Fidel Castro disclosed he'll step down from power next month and hold free elections. "The events of Eastern Europe woke me up," he said. "When a leader's era is over, he should have the wisdom to admit it and make way for the new."
- Confessing shame at having invaded the private lives of public figures, the National Enquirer announced today it will no longer print any stories about Dolly Parton, Princess Di, Madonna, Johnny Carson or any of the Kennedys. "We offer our apologies for our past nosiness," the editor said.
- The American Medical Association yesterday announced a new policy requiring doctors to knock 5 percent off a patient's bill for every five minutes extra they're kept waiting for an appointment.
- Ivana Trump has agreed to settle her divorce with Donald Trump for the $20 million specified in their prenuptial contract and not a penny more. "An agreement's an agreement," she said. "It would be greedy of me - and unethical - to try to demand more."
- F.J. O'Reilley, chairman of Heinz Ketchup Corp., has announced he will split his historic $120 million stock compensation package 50-50 with Mark Patinkin, a newspaper columnist. "Our records show Patinkin is perhaps the single biggest consumer of Heinz ketchup in the country - he even puts it on pasta," O'Reilley said. "It's time overpaid CEOs like myself acknowledge that loyal customers like Patinkin are responsible for our success."
Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service