Today is "Open Letter Day." I've been meaning to drop a line to a few people but haven't had time, so I'll write them here and hope the messages somehow get to them, like notes in a bottle.Dear Mr. Randolph;

Would you please lift the clouds and clear up a few things for me?I've been thinking about hail.

Why does oversize hail come only in two sizes - "golf-ball size" and "baseball size"? Nobody talks about "billiard ball" or "racquetball" hail.

Are the snow gods really that short on molds?


Hail's-a-poppin' Johnston

To David Souter, Supreme Court nominee

Dear sir,

Since you're the most recent Supreme Court "suitor," I'm writing to offer two tidbits of advice: First, if you make it onto the court, just do what everybody everywhere should do; take things on a case by case basis.

Second, I'd like to share a thought I had weeks ago but could never work into a column. Until now. The thought is this: Before there can be a miscarriage of justice, there must first be a misconception of justice.

Thank you for your time. If you get lonely or depressed, I have some great judge jokes.

Legally yours

Jerry Johnston

To Disneyland

Dear Disneyland,

Just a note to thank you for keeping the Abraham Lincoln exhibit open at your park. For baby boomers, like me, "Meet Mr. Lincoln" and the music of Conway Twitty are the only two things that have remained consistent for our entire lives.

I also have a question for you. I've heard that the last words John Wilkes Booth spoke to the president were these: "Abraham Lincoln, you're history."

True? Or just folklore?

Ably yours,

J. Johnston

To Sen. Jesse Helms

Dear Sen. Helms,

I'm sorry, but I've never understood how you could project such a moral voice when speaking out against the National Endowment for the Arts, yet lobby so heavily for government subsidies of tobacco.

Art doesn't kill people, Sen. Helms, tobacco does.

I'd walk a mile across Marlboro Country in a Philip Morris bellboy outfit just to hear you keep silent on the issue of tobacco.

Your friend,

Jerry Johnston