Comments about ‘Ask Angela: I'm not getting married in the LDS temple, yet’

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Published: Tuesday, Aug. 26 2014 5:00 a.m. MDT

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South Jordan, UT

You're being pretty harsh on your parents. By focusing on the perceived weaknesses of others, we can avoid facing our own. I've been there.

I assume you and your boyfriend had temple aspirations before but you still didn't keep worthy. Why do you think you can get there this time? The lack of temptation (because you are married) will not change your heart or your commitment. Our behaviors are merely the outward expression of our desires. Getting married merely legitimizes your behavior but it doesn't change your hearts. To me, it appears you are trying to avoid true repentance.

Does he truly love you? Then why would he compromise you to satisfy his own lusts? And he should be asking the same question about you? I question the wisdom of going into marriage with this hanging over your head.

Consider the role of temple marriage in the plan of salvation. It is so much more than a gold star on our foreheads to show what goods Saints we are.

We all sin. That is not the issue. The issue is whether you will face it or attempt to cover it in a cloak of legitimacy.

Dietrich, ID

If both are worthy or recommend best to get married there. Then again are they concerned about the gossip if they are not? If not worthy work with priesthood leaders so you can be worthy. President Kimball told of couple killed an hour after wedding in Salt Lake that was not in Temple. Said do your own temple work vicarious work is for those without opportunity.

I would encourage people to be worthy of going to the temple and if they are not work with caring home teachers and priesthood leaders until you are.

South Jordan, UT

I'd get married now, and do the temple later. If you are sure that you two are a good fit and are committed to a forever marriage, a long engagement isn't helpful. If there are any niggling doubts, then waiting and making sure marriage is right is wise. Nobody needs to be told why you choose to get married outside of the temple.

Duchesne, UT

They are in love and need to be married at this time. They can work together and go to the temple in a year. It will be easier for them to become worthy together.

Layton, UT

The embarrassment a parent feels with their peers when a child disregards their covenants is a real and understandable thing, but it is nothing compared to the heartbreak and concern they feel towards their child's spiritual health and wellbeing. This really isn't about the parent's embarrassment, but about deep abiding love and concern for both God and their child.

I would suggest that if the child struggling with their covenants, especially where chastity is involved, and isn't willing to wait, they should marry just to avoid compounding the possibility of more serious consequences (like unexpected pregnancy). Perhaps the once the child is frank and open about these serious consequences, the parents will agree.

If, however, the child CAN wait, go through whatever repentance is necessary, and control oneself with the one they love, then starting the marriage relationship pure and within the House of God is DEFINITELY a much more beautiful thing. And as the family grows, they can tell their children how they sought to put the Lord before themselves, which will set a positive tone for their relationship that will endure.

Walt Nicholes
Orem, UT

Your mother could have so many reasons for her position, some not so nice. Maybe she believes this guy is not a "nice" guy because of "what he did to you." Moms can think like that.

However, I suspect she would agree that if you two are going to continue in your intimacy you should be married.

Tell her that you are going to get married (what many would consider the "honorable thing" at this point,) and she can either have it be a big thing with ward and friends or a small thing as she wishes. But you are going to get married.

Then let the discussion proceed from there.

Far East USA, SC

It is reasonable for the Parents to voice their wishes and concerns but then move on.

How about this. "We feel strongly that you should wait and be married in the temple. And for these reasons. However, we love you and will wholeheartedly support whatever decision that you both make."

The parents are being selfish. Religion is a personal thing.

Bountiful, UT

Getting married civilly doesn't automatically change your heart but if a temple marriage isn't a current or near-term option and you are still committed to getting married then getting married civilly first is a demonstration of your commitment to do things right. Just because Latter-day Saints view temple marriage as more permanent than a civil marriage doesn't mean we should look at civil marriage as something unworthy - especially when temple marriage isn't a present option. If missionaries teach the gospel to a couple who is living together and they want to get baptized the missionaries don't counsel them to separate, get baptized, wait a year, and then get married in the temple. They counsel them to get married, get baptized and then get sealed in a year.

I don't know how soon a temple marriage would be an option for Future Wifey but if it's not going to be an option soon then I would consider it a good step forward for her and her fiance to get a civil marriage as a demonstration of their commitment to each other and their desire to keep the commandments.

Liberal Ted
Salt Lake City, UT

Since none of us know you or the circumstances and it's only your side of the story. We really can't make a determination here.

The easiest thing would have been to avoid the sin altogether and been worthy to be sealed to this man in the Temple. Clearly that is no longer the case, when you committed a sin and were no longer worthy to enter.

Personally, I would wait. I would want to be a better person first. Then review my relationship with the other person and see if they are truly committed. You could be sealed this man, and he has zero intention of changing or as soon as the ceremony is done decides he is finished with church. You didn't wait the first time, why not wait this time and see how you both turn out?

Really it's your decision. And you get the privilege to deal with the consequences of your decisions and actions. You'll either become stronger or bitter. It's up to you.

Mchenry, IL

The temple is for sealing. Marrying and sealing are different.

The church seals dead people.

Sounds to me the parents are focusing on the couples flaw and not seeing their own flaws.

This is exactly how parents of converts feel when their child decides to marry and seal in the temple in one go. In those cases parents are told, it's about the couple and their choice. Why is it not their choice in this case? And the parents in question here can appear at both events if they so chose. Would you rather they lie about being able to be recommend worthy?

Carson City, NV

Please look at the real reason that you aren't having a temple marriage right now. It isn't because of your mom, it's because you and your boyfriend are not ready for an eternal marriage. Having failed civil marriages and one canceled sealing this is one I feel qualified to speak on. If you are not ready for the temple marriage, that may mean you are not ready for an eternal marriage with this person. If you are not ready for a temple marriage, but a civil one is OK, that may mean you just aren't willing to wait and work for the temple marriage. Do not have the temple marriage until you are sure. But remember, what is important to you today may be so insignificant to your eternity.

San Diego, CA

There are a lot of assumptions by commentators who seem to believe this couple's sin are sexual. Is that the only sin that causes a temple recommend to be withheld?

Scott H
Ogden, UT

It is commendable that you consider the temple sacred enough to wait to be sealed until you are honestly worthy. Your chastity choices cannot be undone, so you must determine what is the best way forward from where you are.

Your mother is likely concerned about your chances for marital success if you start your marriage on a faulty foundation. Her advice may not describe the best path for you. But that could be difficult for you to discern in your present condition, given that our judgment becomes clouded whenever we choose sin. Your bishop can help you work through these issues. If you are not already working with him, go to him now.

You may also wish to consider professional counseling. We are talking about a marriage here, not a social convenience. The best way forward might not be the easiest from your current vantage point, but I guarantee that it will be the easiest way in the long run.

gambier, oh

If you are not living the commandments now, why do you think it will get easier just because you are married? Do you realize the struggles involved in a marriage to begin with but to begin with one that already has moral trust issues is very hard. If you are working hard with the Bishop to prepare to get into the Temple down the road then I say you are on the right track, if you are just pretending to satisfy your mother then have the courage to tell your mom you don’t intend to live the gospel laws and would rather live in the world. Don't pretend with anyone, tell the truth and then do what is right. Please work with your Bishop and whichever way you decide then you will be heading the right direction but if you plan to skip this part a marriage without the covenants and the church to support you is a very real and very hard thing.

Waltham, MA

I wish people would know and understand the word "LOVE" it is an action word , a verb, When you love some one, you don't do anything the hurt that person, in fact you will even reject your own desires and bridle your passions, because of the love you fill for them... STOP justifying immoral behavior by saying, "We love each other"... people use the word love to justify adultery, breaking up a family, are you kidding me? when you love some one, you will deny your self anything to not hurt them.

Boise, ID

The writer's use of the words "boyfriend" and "wifey" here should perhaps give her pause. Is she certain she desires to wed this man?

Provo, UT

Does your mother love you only when you do what she wants?

Didn't Christ say love one another? He didn't say, love one another only when they do what you like or want.

Getting married in the temple later is always an option. Getting married now if you and your boyfriend are committed to each other will be a great cause for celebration for all friends and family in your life. Getting married outside the temple will allow them to attend your wedding whereas getting married in the temple will likely exclude some family and friends.

Cedar Hills, UT

Future Wifey,

I don't know you personally nor do I know what specifically is keeping you from the temple. I just want to offer thoughts that I hope are helpful.

First, a while back I read some data on LDS divorce rates. LDS members who married each other outside the temple had higher divorce rates than temple marriages or even members who marry non-LDS. I don't say this to criticize any individual marriage or couple, but to explain why parents may understandably be concerned about a non-temple marriage.

On the other hand, extra long engagements can face a lot of temptation. My hope is that you work towards the temple sealing and pray to know the wisest course to get there together. Whether that means waiting and preparing, or marrying now and preparing, I hope that you make it to the temple together and receive the blessings available there. Once you have your answer from The Lord, share it with your parents and hopefully they will support you.

Holladay, UT

A wise and mature decision, exactly how many 'temple marriages" end up in divorce?
Ditto for LDS baptisms, they should be delayed until age 18!

Holladay, UT

A wise and mature decision, how many "Temple marriages" end up in divorce?
Ditto for LDS baptisms, they should be delayed as well until age 18!

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