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Comments about ‘Ask Angela: He dumped me because of my race’

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Published: Monday, June 9 2014 9:48 p.m. MDT

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Furry1993
Ogden, UT

"I’m ashamed to admit that right now I wish I wasn’t black. I hate being deemed “not good enough” because of it."

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You got it backward. If he would do that to you, he's not good enough for you. You deserve a REAL man, not someone like him.

Sports Are Great
Salt Lake City, UT

Angela,

I have to say these columns are some of the poorest "Ask" columns I've ever read. I doubt the authenticity of some of the questions and even if they are real, I've never seen such cherry picking of the most bizarre questions from any sort of "ask" columns in my entire life. I know you really want the viewership, but there is a way to do that through quality advice and thought provoking questions, rather than pick these outrageous questions I call into question for real in the first place. Even if they are legit - it seems that the "shock factor" is really all this column has going for it.

Anyone can copy and paste shocking titles like that.

Just some food for thought Angela

BYU Track Star
Los Angeles, CA

Evidently these so-called traditional family values folks don't know their European genealogy or their own DNA too well. In European Royal circles, it was quite common to marry off your third or fourth son or any daughter to the Royalty in adjacent Countries. If one traces British Royalty from the Middle ages one line at least ends up in the Islamic Sultanate in Majorca in the 800s. Who I would imagine were only a generation removed from North Africa. The Roman Empire were also masters of enslaving nations and carrying them off to some place or another in their Empire. Whose to say there weren't African servants in Londinium after the Roman Legions overran most of England after Julius Caesar and their descenadants DNA resides in the UK still. The Black Irish? Dear LW, I recommend you catch the movie, "Belle", whose future husband values her as a equal if not a superior. That is the type of guy you want to marry.

raybies
Layton, UT

I find it funny that Angela might not think that one's family's opinion about one's future spouse might matter. The family's clearly wrong, but the approval of parents is a HUGE factor in serious dating.

Usually among the LDS it's not the race, but their activity in the church that is the distinguishing factor as to whether the family gets behind their child's choices.

Personally I think great things can happen by breaking down preconceptions and standing up for the ones we love, and also tolerating our family's odd predelictions as well.

Br. Jones
East Coast, MD

For what it's worth, I dated an LDS girl whose parents had a similar reaction to my own ethnicity. Her brother briefly dated a woman of color: same reaction. Decades later, gotta tell you: we dodged a bullet by not marrying into that family. Thank goodness.

The letter writer doesn't even need to swear off interracial relationships: just understand that you still find people like this, and you should not let their opinions reflect on your worth as a person or an LDS woman. Plenty of other level headed folks out there.

Chris B
Salt Lake City, UT

Well, haven't Mormons been taught to marry within their race?

And before anyone attempt to deny it, I'd suggest you go study what some of your past "prophets" have said.

let's roll
LEHI, UT

Not sure why anyone would question the authenticity of the advice sought in this column. I think someone got up on the wrong side of the bed. Can't say that I've seen every one, but I've seen quite a few and each one has raised an issue that I think is fairly common-place.

As for his one, family hand-wringing about interracial relationships has been going on forever.

Thirty-five years ago both of my parents counseled me not to enter into an interracial marriage, emphasizing that it would cause me, my wife and any children from the marriage unnecessary hardship because of what others thought and how we might be treated.

Didn't seem like a very good reason at the time (after all I'd grown up in areas of the country where Mormons were a small minority, so wasn't much concerned about others who chose to "look down" at me).

Thirty-five years, four children and six grandchildren later, I'm happy to report all's well. I know my parents are glad I didn't choose to take their advice.

We all need to have experiences that help us grow.

  • 2:27 p.m. June 9, 2014
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Bifftacular
Spanish Fork, Ut

I dont' have a problem with race at all but I honestly might have a problem with my child marrying someone of another culture. Not because I think I'm better than anyone else- not at all. Simply because there are a lot of inherent issues to overcome in a marriage as it is between people of the same culture (religion, economics, philosophies on child raising, etc etc) without also trying to deal with the differences (that can be mild to stark) between cultures such as sense of humor, language barriers, food differences, what family time means, how free time is spent, food differences, etc etc. The list is endless. By the way, different cultures can be and often are between people of the same skin color. Can people make those differences work? Sure. Some can but I wouldn't recommend it for my own child. No doubt some will be quick to say I'm a racist and if they do, they didn't read or understand what I'm saying. I've travelled to many other countries and cultures and anyone who says we are all alike has their head in the sand.

Shane333
Cedar Hills, UT

Skin color itself shouldn't matter. Now, there might be cases where cultural differences could cause or exacerbate relationship issues, but ethnic DNA or skin color shouldn't be a stumbling block. Cultural differences could happen even between people of the same skin color.

I can understand how some families might have strong feelings about interracial marriage. Hopefully they will move past such things and learn to value people for their character more than the color of their skin.

In regards to the girl dumped by her boyfriend because of race, it isn't a reflection on her personal character or qualities. Move on and find someone else who values your character and isn't hung up on skin-deep issues.

Res Novae
Ashburn, VA

Someone needs to watch "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner." It's a dreadful shame that almost 50 years later this is still an issue.

Dennis
Harwich, MA

This girls "race" is none of the families business. If they don't love their son enough to embrace and love the wife of his choosing it's their problem. They have no business even sharing their opinion as narrow and bigoted as it may seem.
I feel sorry for anyone that marries and conducts their lives on the wants and wishes of "mom and dad".

10CC
Bountiful, UT

I've heard a very similar story, about a beautiful girl of African ancestry that all the guys in a student ward thought was gorgeous, but they wouldn't date her because of what their parents might think. This was in the past five years.

I thought that stuff was behind us.

My own experience has been fascinating. I left the LDS church in the 70s primarily because of the racial issues, married an African American woman in the late 80s, and we have four wonderful children. One of our sons decided to become LDS, which I wasn't crazy about, but I supported him and continue to support him.

The LDS Stake President at the time tearfully told me I had no idea how much healing my son would do within the Church *because* of his skin color.

I was dumbfounded by that remark, but I suppose it makes sense, given the history, perhaps some collective and individual misgivings, etc.

Progress is definitely uneven.

Angela - I think your column is great. Keep up the good work.

fani
wj, UT

If he can't face up to his own family, he ain't worth your time

Scott H
Ogden, UT

When you marry your spouse you also marry your spouse's family. I remember when a close friend broke up with his fiancee. He felt that he loved her, but the more he interacted with her family the more he realized that he could not bring himself to have them as in-laws. Another friend married despite the disapproval of her in-laws-to-be. Now, years later it has all worked out. But she has always felt less than full approval from her in-laws.

A family member had some of his children marry spouses that he felt were less than ideal. But he told me that once a child has made a decision, the parents' only options are to either seek to improve the relationship or else to make it worse.

I'm as dubious about the comments against inter-cultural marriage as I am about opposition to interracial marriage. My parents came from dramatically different cultures, countries, and languages. Yet they have provided a wonderful life for me and my siblings.

donn
layton, UT

RE: Sports Are Great, Even if they are legit - it seems that the "shock factor":

I beheld a virgin, and she was exceedingly fair and white.(1 Nephi 11:13), and he did smile upon them again; and behold they were white, even as Jesus.(3Nephi 19:30)
The Doctrine did not originate with President Brigham Young but was taught by the Prophet Joseph Smith…we all it is due to his teaching that the negro today is barred from the Priesthood. The Way to perfection, pp 110-111, Joseph Fielding Smith. Yet,
,
“ behold, a(black Christian) man of Ethiopia,(Acts 8:27) Ethiopians are mentioned 40 times in the Bible, a Jeremiah asked, "Can the Ethiopian change his skin ..." (Jer 13:23).
"Simeon” a black Christian man( Acts 13:1).

MJF
Somewhere in Time, UT

Marriage is difficult enough without additional pressures. I think everyone here is being very politically correct about this subject, but I have seen many interracial couples that have had many more struggles than they would have otherwise. Many have said that if they had it to do over, they wouldn't do it. I wish this woman all the best, but anyone who goes into this realm is setting him/herself for a lot of hurt.

Casey See
FLOWER MOUND, TX

Donn,

I think that you are commenting on a different article.

caveguy
Sequim, WA

Race may be the excuse this family is using, but this sort of thing is not always race-based. I married the girl of my dreams 43 years ago, against the wishes of my mother (who never liked the girl I loved). We moved away from the family and created out own family in an environment of total commitment to each other and genuine love. My advice, if this guy is so tied to his mama's apron strings that he would allow this to happen, he isn't worth a second glance. Would he stand up and defend you no matter what happens in life? I suspect not. I'm inclined to give him a chance to reconsider his position, but I'm not sure he's strong enough to make a decision and then stick to it forever without glancing back toward his family and having second thoughts somewhere down the road. I think it's best to leave him looking at your taillights.

Br. Jones
East Coast, MD

MJF: there's a difference between parents saying, "Make sure you understand the challenges you might face in a marriage like this," and saying, "What will people think at family reunions?" The first is a reasonable point, and not necessarily tied to race or color (as Bifftacular also discussed). The second is naked racism, and shameful.

Casey See
FLOWER MOUND, TX

Cultural issues more than race issues are a big factor in interracial relationships. If a person of one race is raised in the culture and race of another, I think they would have less of an issue than if they married someone from the race / culture that they were raised in verses one that more closely aligned with their race / color. (I hope this makes sense).

I do know that there are issues that many have with interracial marriages. I have cousins that adopted children of other races and our grandmother expressed some concern about this in private. I corrected her that this wasn't what Jesus taught or the LDS church teaches today. I think she was a little shocked that I had no issues with the adoptions and the children growing up and marrying with in the community.

I have daughters and I would be very concerned about them marrying someone from different races if not raised in the Gospel, not because of different races per se, but what we have seen as a prevalent attitude among many of different races in the US to women and morals. Still I would be supportive.

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