Comments about ‘Combating the American marriage crisis’

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Published: Thursday, May 8 2014 9:35 a.m. MDT

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Hutterite
American Fork, UT

One small way is to let people who are fighting to marry have a chance. Utah is leading the way.

slcdenizen
Murray, UT

"She believes that monogamy is natural and necessary for an individual's health and well-being."

That's one problem. We are consulting experts that have acquired professional degrees in order to appear professorial when they are simply providing their own opinions which most likely preceeded their education. But sure, if contrary facts don't fit the dialogue, find ways to change the way facts are presented.

FatherOfFour
WEST VALLEY CITY, UT

One, you can't fix everything. It sucks that so many marriages are not working out, but that doesn't mean we need to legislate a fix. Two, some marriages should not work out, they were not a good idea in the first place. My sister's first marriage was one of these. The best thing they ever did was get divorced. Three, there is no "one size fits all" solution for marriage. I have been happily married for 18 years. But what works for mine may be completely destructive to yours, and vice-versa. Accept the fact that people can run their own marriages differently than you might would yours, and that is OK. And fourth, what Hutterite said.

A Quaker
Brooklyn, NY

Before you can fix a problem, you'd better have a pretty good understanding of the problem.

Is the problem insufficient premarital counseling? Expectations? Poverty? Is it that we're unable to talk about our needs with one another openly, or that we don't understand them?

Before divorce was as readily available, there was prescription pill abuse and alcohol. Unhappy people dulled their senses so they could survive their lives. Divorce may not be a happy thing, but it gives many people a second chance. That so many of these second chances fail, too, means we're not understanding and addressing whatever the root of the problem is.

One thing we do know. People who get married for the first time at 30 are generally more successful than those who marry at 20. Whether this is because they are more self-aware, more realistic, more independent, better off, more experienced or something else, we don't really know.

There is too much myth and expectation around marriage. When we make it their life goal, young people often find disappointment and conflict when the reality doesn't measure up to the dream.

Liberal Ted
Salt Lake City, UT

When we have drive through wedding chapels, people that cannot balance their bank accounts, and a society that accepts cohabitation as a "test run", also a society that accepts giving up on a marriage over ridiculous conflicts (ie paint color etc), is it no surprise that people going into a marriage, enter it fool heartedly? After all marriage is the new way of dating. Test it out, if you don't like it, just divorce it and get another chance. The majority of divorces are played from this lack of thought beforehand.

However, there is a time and place for divorce which is painful for all parties involved.

Maybe we should make it harder for people to marry. Make it so only those that are actually committed to a relationship get to marry. Where as those that are drunk one night and decide to marry or choose to sleep together and have a child as a consequence and then decide to marry. Maybe people will start to use the brain they have and make half decent choices.....

DN Subscriber
Cottonwood Heights, UT

This is the inevitable (and desired) outcome from decades of liberal philosophy telling us that religion is bad, morals are silly, that government is a better father for a family than a husband, and that work is bad and welfare is good.

It may be too late to fix the problem, but the traditional family based on a marriage between a man and a woman living together and raising their children is the best solution for the future of mankind.

"Same sex marriage" is not the same thing, and efforts to impose it and thereby change the language is not helpful. Gays who love each other can join in whatever form they like, but it is not "marriage" and is unrelated to solving the destruction of the family and traditional marriage which is taking place all around us.

The real problem is liberalism.

Concinnity
Meadow, UT

@ hutterite:

You've apparently missed something. Your 2 sentences are incoherent with each other. In case you haven't been keeping up, Utah is still very actively fighting and leading the way against legal SSM in Utah, which is something you usually seem to be in favor of.

Here's to hoping Utah success in its ongoing legal battle to maintain the dignity of traditional marriage in our state and to the strength that traditional marriage brings to any and every society. Sadly, the only thing the issue of SSM has brought is divisiveness, which the forthcoming replies to my comment will undoubtedly prove.

girl.in.slc
Salt Lake , UT

Leave the gays out of it! They have nothing to do with your failed marriages.

A Scientist
Provo, UT

Those who are clearly "missing something" are those who imply that heterosexual marriages are in "crisis" because SSM has detracted from the "dignity" of marriage.

Let's try to let reason prevail rather than superstition in this discussion.

Tiago
Seattle, WA

Strong marriages and families are the foundation of a strong society. It is where the next generation learns about love and faith and what it means to be human.
It's interesting to watch the national discussion develop on this. Some people blame decreasing marriage rates and increasing divorce on the liberal or gay agenda. I attribute it mostly to industrialization, technology (computers, washing machines, microwaves, birth control, etc.) and economics. People are less dependent on the family to meet basic needs, so it becomes less of a priority to get married and have kids quickly. It now takes a lot more motivation to decide to make a family or keep one together. Some trends are positive-- like people marrying when they are a bit more mature, greater equality for women, and less abuse in relationships.
I disagree with Ms. Haisha who argues that monogamy is less important than good communication. Both are essential. The commitment of faithfulness in marriage is part of what motivates people to marry. Removing the expectation of monogamy from marriage will decrease people's incentive to marry.
I agree with Hutterite that allowing gay people to marry strengthens the institution.

Jack of trades
SLC, UT

The problem with marriage today is that we now live in a non social, extremely selfish world, ruled by social media, hardcore pornography, and people who are in this world only for themselves.

The only purpose for marriage is to create children, love and nurture those children, teach those children how to be a good members of society, and then turn them loose to help the world become a better place. Huge responsibility? Yes.

Most couples do not understand this. They think marriage is about them. They don't realize that marriage is only about giving. Giving everything you have to raise your children. In the process of giving everything of yourself you find love and happiness along side your spouse.

koseighty
The Shire, UT

@DN Subscriber who said:
"... The real problem is liberalism."

How to you correlate your hypothesis with the fact that "conservative Christians" have the highest divorce rate in America and atheists/agnostics the lowest?

Jamescmeyer
Midwest City, USA, OK

It's nothing new, I suppose: We recognize that selfish sex-oriented anti-theistic ideas of marriage are causing problems, then people come and insist that selfish sex-oriented ideas of marriage should be entirely acceptable and that theistic people are bad.

DN Subscriber, among others, are absolutely correct.

RanchHand
Huntsville, UT

@Jamescmeyer;

I'm guessing your comment is in relation to SSM. In which case, I must ask you, why is "sex-oriented" marriage for heterosexuals not a problem but it is for SS couples?

Why is it "selfish" for LGBT couples to want the same things that heterosexual couples want?

I know very few hetero couples who married just to "have kids"; most of them did it for the sex since they couldn't have it before they were married.

If wanting marriage is selfish for LGBT couples, then it is equally selfish for heterosexual couples to want marriage.

Laura Bilington
Maple Valley, WA

To DN Subscriber: Nobody is "imposing" same-sex marriage on you. You are free to marry an opposite sex person, as long you both are single, 18+, and not related.

It would be nice if you thought that all other adults should have the same rights as you.

Palmetto Bug
Columbia, SC

There's another recently published study by Shaunti Feldhahn that finds divorce rates aren't as high as widely reported, especially amongst the religious community. The Blaze just published an article about her upcoming book "The Good News About Marriage" that offers a different perspective than the one offered in this article.

Gildas
LOGAN, UT

So one "expert" thinks one thing, and another something else, and a third something different to the other two. That's about what we would expect. Let's leave such "experts" out of it, except perhaps those who have outstanding marriages themselves lasting decades. Let's have articles based on the experiences of real people and let's spell out what makes such marriages work. Also let's be more sensible in choosing marriage partners.

Schnee
Salt Lake City, UT

We also live in a world where people think 'no you people don't need marriage, a civil union should give you everything you want right?'. If marriage is suddenly nothing other than a stack of gov't benefits (which it is if civil unions are "just as good") then the point of marriage is completely lost.

cjb
Bountiful, UT

I read where a couple in China couldn't have kids. They agreed she would step out of the marriage long enough to get her pregnant. She went to another town and did it. She came back and they were able to have a child.

Abraham in the Bible did the same thing, again with his spouses permission.

Our culture has certain norms, but its important to keep in mind that our norms aren't the only possible norms and not even necessarily the best norms possible. Its important to keep an open mind.

The Wraith
Kaysville, UT

I've always wondered how much of the current divorce rate is really just a result of those who are leaving bad relationships. People always look back in history and think that they were all better off back then because men and women stayed together more often then today. Well how many of those relationships were abusive, or loveless? In some ways I'm not really troubled by the increase in divorce rates simply because I know there were lots of women stayed in terrible marriages because culture dictated that they should. So yes, more people are getting divorced today - but then again more people are escaping bad marriages.

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