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Comments about ‘Ask Angela: Fiance calls off wedding when she opened up about past porn addiction’

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Published: Monday, April 28 2014 10:38 p.m. MDT

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Beaver Native
St. George, UT

I was married twice, each time to women who had made mistakes in the past. However, each had unresolved issues relating to their experiences. Neither had truly forgiven themselvees and each justified their own feelings of inadequacy by fabricating problems in their minds. Each ended up seeking for divorce. My first wife and all of our kids have essentially left the Church, and most of my 2nd wife's children (not my kids) have left the church and won't talk to their mother because of her behavior towards them.

I am not comparing this young woman to my spouses; only saying we need to be very careful in our marriage decisions. I know of the power of true repentance and still believe that marriages to one who has made mistakes but has truly had a change of heart can and often does work, given each being determined to make it work. My advice to to this young woman is to forgive the young man, forget the hurt that he has caused and continue in the faith. Then the blessings will come.

Dadof5sons
Montesano, WA

A few words of advice, that i am sure have already been posted. 1 be glad this unforgiving person is no longer in your life. If he can find fault with your past my goodness what else can he find fault with too. Remember your better then that. 2. this is hind sight and foresight for others. our past is our past it has gone down the river never to be seen again. leave it there don't bring it up ever! not disclosing past sins long forgiven by our loving father in heaven, who has said I will remember them no more. Don't bring up the past That Christ made right! It is not being dishonest to not spill your guts. I know you will find happiness and there is some one way better for you too.

Forgiveness is the Answer
St George, UT

I am SO sorry for this young lady, but I can promise her she will be glad, because a loving, giving, non-judgmental man will come into her life that cares for her. We don't get to pick-and-choose the doctrines we will live like a buffet, nor the trials we will face, nor our children. A self-righteous judgmental person is not anyone to marry--it is worse than any sin---just as non-forgiveness is always, literally, the greater sin. For example, if you have more than 3-4 children, odds are one of them will face a problem with drug, alcohol, porn addiction, pre-marital sex, be gay, or face something. How would that spouse have given love to those children? It is one thing to be hurt, to be angry, to set-up safeguards and boundaries - it is another to throw the child (or spouse) over the cliff & say "I'm outta here!" He would have quit at anything--& you never would have measured up. Divorce is the future of a judgmental, non-forgiver, or a battered-down spouse that is made to feel worthless. Go watch "Charly"! It says it all.

Forgiveness is the Answer
St George, UT

When we marry someone, are we there to help that person return to Heavenly Father or not? Will we be there in illness? In trials? To patiently help that person overcome weaknesses? Because we have faith in him/her? We all need a mate who will help us make it back, not to tear us down, NOT in spite of our mistakes, weaknesses, and sins, but BECAUSE of them, who will stay with us BECAUSE of our mistakes, weaknesses, and sins--who loves us that much--unconditionally (presuming, of course, that we are genuinely repentant and always striving to improve). The person who never quits is ASSURED of exaltation because God knows he's ALWAYS climbing, long-term, in spite of periodic set-backs. We all need a spouse who is there to help us make it back, BECAUSE of all the trials along the way. What? They say someone who was abused as a child is more likely to abuse. Yet, wasn't he innocent of his abuse? Of whatever type it was? So, do you throw him in the trash-heap? Or give him the love he didn't know before? What is love?

Beaver Native
St. George, UT

Continuing my previous comments, if the facts were presented accurately, this young man, for whatever reason, is not ready for a lasting relationship and would jump ship at the first sign of trouble in any marriage. While I don't necessarily judge him for calling off the marriage, it seems apparent that he didn't take it to the Lord before making his decision, and if you have been close enough to someone to be engaged, ending the relationship by email shows emotional immaturity and an unwillingness to face issues. I agree with those who say that he would likely have jumped ship at the first sign of trouble in almost any marriage. For whatever reason, he has not yet learned the power of forgiveness and does not truly know the power of the atonement. Be glad that you found out before marriage and look for someone who has truly accepted the atonement and knows how to forgive.

BKB
Chantilly/USA, 00

Some well-meaning therapists and church leaders will advise people to "run," not walk, away from anyone with a pornography addiction in their past. I believe that advice can cause a person to reject another erroneously. Porn problems are hard to overcome but can be, especially with a loving friend, fiancee, spouse to help.

You may be better off without your fiancee if he rejects you without wanting to learn about your past struggle. Many of our past struggles make us stronger and more able to help others (weaknesses can become strengths). In some sense they define us, but often in a positive way.

I hope you find the right person to marry. If you still struggle with pornography, know that you can overcome it. The Addiction Recovery Program can be of great help as can Power Over Pornography. Bless you for being willing to admit past weakness. Bless you for being open and honest and bless you to find a person who will love you enough to embrace all of you, not just your strengths.

Jena
Iona, ID

He wasn't very nice about it, that's for sure. But he's making a very smart decision. I have endured the heartache of dealing with porn addiction, and my advice to my kids will be to run far and fast if their fiance has been foolish enough to become addicted to porn. Hanging in there with a porn addict is extremely painful, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone!

John Pack Lambert of Michigan
Ypsilanti, MI

Based on what was said here, specifically that it is a past pornography addiction, I have to say making that a reason to call of the wedding is just wrong. If the Lord can forgive a person, than we should be able to. Of course the fact that I am going on dates with someone who has three children, with three fathers, none of which she was ever married to, might show I am just plain more open than some people.

On the other hand, I would say this person should be glad they had this conversation before the marriage. Having it after the marriage, and having their husband just hate them for it would be worse.

Still, I can't understand making this an unworkable obstacle. The Lord forgave Alma, who had consorted with harlots, and even let him be the head of the Church, who are we to be less forgiving?

grizzly125
sl, UT

No one here has the right to judge...He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. Mr. Fiance did it...y'all go ahead and do it now. Completely sad. Salt Lake will be the first to go.

John Pack Lambert of Michigan
Ypsilanti, MI

I actually have to go against those who say "if you have repented of something, you don't have to tell you future spouse."

I think, in almost all cases, you should be open with your future spouse about past sexual issues. This is partly because pornography and masturbation are much more addictive than some people will admit. Many people think they have it beat, and have actually not been involved with it for even years, but then in a time of weakness of struggle they regress.

It is much better to tell your spouse before hand, and then if things go bad, to be open with them, then to have to tell of these problems for the first time after 2 years of marriage, when she is pregnant with the first child, or whatever the case may be.

True, my advice comes from the presumption that this is mainly a male problem, and although things are more complex, I think I can say safely more males face this problem.

DavidJ
Branson, MO

He that is without sin, let him cast the first done.

CanadaGreywolf
canada, 00

Being LDS myself , it is very hard for me to say this . BUT ! Mormons are the most hurtful , selfrighteous, judgemental, people I have ever met , and yet some are the most generous helpful I have ever met as well. problem is the hurtful are the most abundant. it is easy to see which one he is. don't waste your time , there are many good ones out there , drop the loser and keep looking :)

happy2bhere
clearfield, UT

This a facinating story, particularly since it was a female involved with the pornography, which is not what one would expect. I am posting this before reading even one other comment. I think the guy is a jerk for having such a superior, judgemental attitude and frankly I think it is a good thing that she didn't end up marrying him as his attitude of expecting his wife to have been perfect would manifest itself in some other ways even if she hadn't told him about her problem. Boy, this guy needs lessons in the concept of repentance, forgiveness, and an understanding of just what Christ came to the world for in the first place. It must be nice for him to be able to expect his wife to walk on water like he does. There, that's my judgemental attitude, but the main thing is I think she is better off without him. Let's see if after reading other posts I will stand by this or not.

Samsc75
Greeneville, TN

Any man who truly loves you will be willing to work with you and support you and comfort you any way he can. You did the right thing by telling him, there can be no secrets in marriage. Marital relationship is about trust, commitment and sacrifice most importantly. You showed all three and he could not handle it. It would lead me to believe he was looking for an excuse, but that is just my sole opinion. I won't tell you he is not the one for you because you never know how thing will play out, but don't give up hope. Being happy starts with being able to forgive and love yourself, because you can't give what you don't have, and if you don't need someone to be happy, they can't take it from you. So smile, do something nice for yourself and don't let his lack of empathy and compassion deprive you of your happiness and worth.

gee-en
Salt Lake City, UT

Getting to this comment party late so I'm sure no one will read my comment this far down
If you have ever tried to get help for any kind of addiction, you know that you are always an addict but are just not acting out currently or have been clean and/or sober for X months/years. This girl was absolutely correct in identifying herself to someone close as a recovering addict
Her fiance seemed to already have suspicions that something about himself does not align with something in herself. It's possible he sensed her overactive sexual drive while they were kissing or that she always seemed to push the boundaries of a physical relationship. Perhaps his sexual drive is just not as high as her's and he senses that they might very well be sexually incompatible in marriage
From what is written, it definitely seems like he could have handled the break up in a more mature fashion and maturity might just be one of his weaknesses that he will need to improve
Although it is probably difficult for her right now, it really does seem like the best has happened and she should move on

timberwolf Kanab, Ut
Kanab, UT

I think it is a decision you take to the Lord, not a blog. I once heard wise council from an Apostle it is ok to seek advice from a few, but often the more advice you receive the more confused you may become, but one source we can count on is our Heavenly Father.

jon_kay
Huntingown, MD

What stood out to me was when he said "deal breaker", assuming those were his actual words. To me it sounds like there were more things that he already did not accept about her. I agree that she is much better off finding out before the marriage then afterwards. This is close to my life as I wonder how my past could affect my future marriage.

Laura Bilington
Maple Valley, WA

If he contacts you, run, not walk away. This man is a control freak.

SlopJ30
St Louis, MO

". . but one source we can count on is our Heavenly Father . . "

Right, because the "answers" you get by way of warm fuzzies or "stupors of thought" are always as clear as a bell, and consistent across the board. Why ask actual people and get different perspectives when you can just kneel in a room by yourself? Good grief.

This guy is like so many people when it comes to "honesty" . . they claim to value it and and want it from a spouse or prospective spouse, but they really don't. If everyone in the world were compelled to be truly honest with their spouses, families, friends, co-workers and church leaders for a day, society as we know it would cease to function. It's be total chaos, conflict and outrage.

We all harbor feelings, thoughts and desires that we bottle up to keep life tidy. The couple that is truly able to open up to each other without fear of rejection is exceptionally lucky.

Kthread
Beaverton, OR

I feel like this man is being judged harshly here without any of us knowing his exact reasons for leaving or acting so rashly without hearing her out. He could be the man that everyone has said he is or he could be reacting the way he has been taught to react. I have wondered what my decision would be if my future husband told me he struggled with pornography.

Before you judge, my indecision for how I would respond if he told me he struggled with pornography is because I struggle with the addiction myself. On one hand there would be relief because we're both on the same level, on the other hand I have a hard time keeping myself clean and I would be terrified of having to help someone else without turning into a mean and cranky old monster who controlled everything. That would be the epitome of a toxic relationship.

So,good for you for telling him, I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS, what happened was y/our biggest fear; make an effort to pray for his well-being. Move on and don't halt your life thinking "maybe he will..."

LIVE! See what happens.

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