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Ask Angela: Fiance calls off wedding when she opened up about past porn addiction

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  • Pasmith St Petersburg, FL
    May 5, 2014 4:03 p.m.

    You were right to confess to him before marrying him. My husband did not confess his problem until 10 -12 years after we married and it has caused a lot of pain. The dishonesty hurts worse than the addiction.

    If he loved you as he should have, he would have continued the discussion, instead of just walking away.

    Unfortunately I see a lot of young men in the church who are very prideful and look down their noses at other young people who have made mistakes. What they don't understand is that overcoming things like this can make you a better, stronger, more spiritual person than you ever would have been without the struggle. Good luck. Do not let his ignorance and pride cause you to slip. Stay on the right path and the Lord will lead you to greater blessings and one day you will be glad that this one got away.

  • BYU9293 Clinton, UT
    May 3, 2014 9:09 p.m.

    I think most people that are being harsh to the fiancé are not doing so because he ended the relationship, but because of how he did it. He would not even discuss things with her and left and then sent an email, an email. He was engaged to this woman and then ends things in an email. That is just wrong. Yes, he can choose and if he could not handle things, that is his choice, but he should have handled things like a man and he did not. To break up by email is just plain cowardly, period. He should have talked with her and told her as kindly as he could, in person, his feelings. Nothing wrong with not wanting to deal with such an addiction. But everything wrong with the way he went about it.

  • Applelovernow Henderson, NV
    May 3, 2014 10:46 a.m.

    I am not defending this young man's buffoonish behavior, however, if this was a deal breaker no amount of talking was going to change him. Ann landers gave this advice 40 years ago, if the past is the past and has been dealt with on all appropriate levels do not bring it into a new relationship. What happened in the past stays in the past.

  • K Mchenry, IL
    May 2, 2014 5:04 p.m.

    Better he leave before saying I do. In the long wrong she is better off without him. He wasn't the one. You can't hide something like that. If better or worse can't survive an engagement it wouldn't survive marriage. You need someone who isn't perfect, just trying to be the best they can be. And mostly succeeding.

  • Nan BW ELder, CO
    May 2, 2014 2:52 p.m.

    I have a set of glasses that were left behind in our home decades ago by a young woman whose marriage was called off because of her former drug addiction. I think of her often because of those drinking glasses, and wonder "what if." After the marriage was called off, she had drug problems again, resulting in employment problems, resulting in other unhappy actions and so on. I think the bottom line is that no matter the circumstances, much prayer must go into deciding to and not to marry someone. No one but the two partners and the Lord knows if the marriage should go forward (particularly if there are "issues"), and mistakes can be made in the best of circumstances.

  • Doklove Quincy, IL
    May 2, 2014 8:27 a.m.

    It is interesting to me that most comments suggest forgiveness for her and suggest that it is good that they broke up. What about forgiveness for him. I agree that his behavior was rash, self-centered and discounting of the atonement of Christ. It might be rash, self-centered and discounting of the atonement to judge him so quickly with such little information. Had he been hurt or seen someone hurt from an addiction to porn in the past?

    He handled the situation immaturely, but I was certainly less mature when I got married than I am now. I think it is great that this issue came up prior to marriage and I hope that he will get together with her to discuss both of their problems. If he's willing to talk, I think that they should postpone the marriage and work this out. Some of our (wife and I) greatest strengths in our marriage are from overcoming our weaknesses. If he is not willing to forgive then that suggests that the marriage should not go on. But let's not be rash.

  • Matthew B. West Jordan , UT
    May 1, 2014 3:20 p.m.

    I mention one thing only because I haven't seen others say it.
    Marriage involves overcoming challenges. There is no end to the list of possibilities. If this young man did not feel capable of working together with his future wife to solve one issue, how much of a struggle would their marriage have been?
    It is good that this communication issue (the real issue is communication, not pornography) came up before they were married.

  • Ernest T. Bass Bountiful, UT
    May 1, 2014 11:53 a.m.

    Sounds good to me!

  • Fluffy Bunnies ,
    May 1, 2014 10:55 a.m.

    Or maybe this letter is fake, written by a guy to see what reaction he could get. If so, it looks like he did pretty well.

  • Jim Cobabe Provo, UT
    May 1, 2014 10:34 a.m.

    I think people need to face the consequences for past bad decisions. It's sad that relationships are destroyed and lives are adversely affected by personal choices. The atonement of Jesus Christ can afford us forgiveness and healing, but it would be naive for us to believe that it will interrupt natural consequences.

    There is no blame to put on the man who chose to end the relationship. You presented him with a challenge and he responded to it with his own judgement. I don't read anything that says his reaction was hypocritical or unkind.

    I am honestly sorry for any who experience pain or anguish resulting from their own bad choices. But there's a lot of that going around. Ending one relationship opens the opportunity for something else. Get on with your life and put this unhappiness behind you. With the right approach, there are better things waiting in store.

  • Max Upstate, NY
    May 1, 2014 7:17 a.m.

    Young lady, you have been greatly blessed. You have been blessed to see the true character of this man. He is not worthy of you. He does not understand or respect the atonement of Jesus Christ and is not capable of compassion or forgiveness. He has revealed his innermost soul. It is best to find this out BEFORE marriage. Sure, it hurts now, but you have been spared.

    In addition, it is entirely possible that he was going to react this way no matter what you brought up. He may have been looking for an a reason to end it. In other words, if you had told him that you stole a candy bar when you were five years old, he would have called that a deal breaker. PLUS, ending it in an email really does punctuate what kind of person this man is. Once again, rejoice. You have been spared!

  • theshadowknows Salt Lake, UT
    April 30, 2014 9:32 p.m.

    I'm so sorry. Talk about being had....

    As hard as it is to go through this, you're best off without the guy. Judgmental, conditional and a control freak....everything else that no one needs. A porn addiction and he is that supportive? Please. I can't say it enough....count your blessings.

    Yes... you definitely were right in bringing that up. Absolutely. Have you never heard the definition of love...you know he/she loves you when they know all of your dark and painful things and still hold you close and love you anyways. Love, James Thurber said once...is what you go through TOGETHER.

    I dearly wish I would have been married to someone so honest and kind as you. What a relief it would be to be able to face life together like that.

    Hang in there...winnowing out the chaff is painful but good.

  • Lovin_Hawaii Eldersburg, MD
    April 30, 2014 6:56 p.m.

    I was so angry when I read this. I had a pornography addiction during my marriage and my wife was far more understanding than this self-righteous individual. This person truly doesn't understand the Atonement and everyone's need for it, including his. She's better off without him and I hope she finds a someone who's full of love, compassion, and mercy.

  • cjb Bountiful, UT
    April 30, 2014 12:10 p.m.

    This is almost unbelievable. I guess the sexes were swapped. That the with a (former) porn problem was the guy.

  • Kthread Beaverton, OR
    April 30, 2014 10:55 a.m.

    I feel like this man is being judged harshly here without any of us knowing his exact reasons for leaving or acting so rashly without hearing her out. He could be the man that everyone has said he is or he could be reacting the way he has been taught to react. I have wondered what my decision would be if my future husband told me he struggled with pornography.

    Before you judge, my indecision for how I would respond if he told me he struggled with pornography is because I struggle with the addiction myself. On one hand there would be relief because we're both on the same level, on the other hand I have a hard time keeping myself clean and I would be terrified of having to help someone else without turning into a mean and cranky old monster who controlled everything. That would be the epitome of a toxic relationship.

    So,good for you for telling him, I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS, what happened was y/our biggest fear; make an effort to pray for his well-being. Move on and don't halt your life thinking "maybe he will..."

    LIVE! See what happens.

  • SlopJ30 St Louis, MO
    April 30, 2014 10:06 a.m.

    ". . but one source we can count on is our Heavenly Father . . "

    Right, because the "answers" you get by way of warm fuzzies or "stupors of thought" are always as clear as a bell, and consistent across the board. Why ask actual people and get different perspectives when you can just kneel in a room by yourself? Good grief.

    This guy is like so many people when it comes to "honesty" . . they claim to value it and and want it from a spouse or prospective spouse, but they really don't. If everyone in the world were compelled to be truly honest with their spouses, families, friends, co-workers and church leaders for a day, society as we know it would cease to function. It's be total chaos, conflict and outrage.

    We all harbor feelings, thoughts and desires that we bottle up to keep life tidy. The couple that is truly able to open up to each other without fear of rejection is exceptionally lucky.

  • Laura Bilington Maple Valley, WA
    April 30, 2014 8:22 a.m.

    If he contacts you, run, not walk away. This man is a control freak.

  • jon_kay Huntingown, MD
    April 29, 2014 9:19 p.m.

    What stood out to me was when he said "deal breaker", assuming those were his actual words. To me it sounds like there were more things that he already did not accept about her. I agree that she is much better off finding out before the marriage then afterwards. This is close to my life as I wonder how my past could affect my future marriage.

  • timberwolf Kanab, Ut Kanab, UT
    April 29, 2014 8:51 p.m.

    I think it is a decision you take to the Lord, not a blog. I once heard wise council from an Apostle it is ok to seek advice from a few, but often the more advice you receive the more confused you may become, but one source we can count on is our Heavenly Father.

  • gee-en Salt Lake City, UT
    April 29, 2014 2:48 p.m.

    Getting to this comment party late so I'm sure no one will read my comment this far down
    If you have ever tried to get help for any kind of addiction, you know that you are always an addict but are just not acting out currently or have been clean and/or sober for X months/years. This girl was absolutely correct in identifying herself to someone close as a recovering addict
    Her fiance seemed to already have suspicions that something about himself does not align with something in herself. It's possible he sensed her overactive sexual drive while they were kissing or that she always seemed to push the boundaries of a physical relationship. Perhaps his sexual drive is just not as high as her's and he senses that they might very well be sexually incompatible in marriage
    From what is written, it definitely seems like he could have handled the break up in a more mature fashion and maturity might just be one of his weaknesses that he will need to improve
    Although it is probably difficult for her right now, it really does seem like the best has happened and she should move on

  • Samsc75 Greeneville, TN
    April 29, 2014 1:52 p.m.

    Any man who truly loves you will be willing to work with you and support you and comfort you any way he can. You did the right thing by telling him, there can be no secrets in marriage. Marital relationship is about trust, commitment and sacrifice most importantly. You showed all three and he could not handle it. It would lead me to believe he was looking for an excuse, but that is just my sole opinion. I won't tell you he is not the one for you because you never know how thing will play out, but don't give up hope. Being happy starts with being able to forgive and love yourself, because you can't give what you don't have, and if you don't need someone to be happy, they can't take it from you. So smile, do something nice for yourself and don't let his lack of empathy and compassion deprive you of your happiness and worth.

  • happy2bhere clearfield, UT
    April 29, 2014 1:45 p.m.

    This a facinating story, particularly since it was a female involved with the pornography, which is not what one would expect. I am posting this before reading even one other comment. I think the guy is a jerk for having such a superior, judgemental attitude and frankly I think it is a good thing that she didn't end up marrying him as his attitude of expecting his wife to have been perfect would manifest itself in some other ways even if she hadn't told him about her problem. Boy, this guy needs lessons in the concept of repentance, forgiveness, and an understanding of just what Christ came to the world for in the first place. It must be nice for him to be able to expect his wife to walk on water like he does. There, that's my judgemental attitude, but the main thing is I think she is better off without him. Let's see if after reading other posts I will stand by this or not.

  • CanadaGreywolf canada, 00
    April 29, 2014 1:11 p.m.

    Being LDS myself , it is very hard for me to say this . BUT ! Mormons are the most hurtful , selfrighteous, judgemental, people I have ever met , and yet some are the most generous helpful I have ever met as well. problem is the hurtful are the most abundant. it is easy to see which one he is. don't waste your time , there are many good ones out there , drop the loser and keep looking :)

  • DavidJ Branson, MO
    April 29, 2014 12:58 p.m.

    He that is without sin, let him cast the first done.

  • John Pack Lambert of Michigan Ypsilanti, MI
    April 29, 2014 12:35 p.m.

    I actually have to go against those who say "if you have repented of something, you don't have to tell you future spouse."

    I think, in almost all cases, you should be open with your future spouse about past sexual issues. This is partly because pornography and masturbation are much more addictive than some people will admit. Many people think they have it beat, and have actually not been involved with it for even years, but then in a time of weakness of struggle they regress.

    It is much better to tell your spouse before hand, and then if things go bad, to be open with them, then to have to tell of these problems for the first time after 2 years of marriage, when she is pregnant with the first child, or whatever the case may be.

    True, my advice comes from the presumption that this is mainly a male problem, and although things are more complex, I think I can say safely more males face this problem.

  • grizzly125 sl, UT
    April 29, 2014 12:26 p.m.

    No one here has the right to judge...He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. Mr. Fiance did it...y'all go ahead and do it now. Completely sad. Salt Lake will be the first to go.

  • John Pack Lambert of Michigan Ypsilanti, MI
    April 29, 2014 12:27 p.m.

    Based on what was said here, specifically that it is a past pornography addiction, I have to say making that a reason to call of the wedding is just wrong. If the Lord can forgive a person, than we should be able to. Of course the fact that I am going on dates with someone who has three children, with three fathers, none of which she was ever married to, might show I am just plain more open than some people.

    On the other hand, I would say this person should be glad they had this conversation before the marriage. Having it after the marriage, and having their husband just hate them for it would be worse.

    Still, I can't understand making this an unworkable obstacle. The Lord forgave Alma, who had consorted with harlots, and even let him be the head of the Church, who are we to be less forgiving?

  • Jena Iona, ID
    April 29, 2014 12:23 p.m.

    He wasn't very nice about it, that's for sure. But he's making a very smart decision. I have endured the heartache of dealing with porn addiction, and my advice to my kids will be to run far and fast if their fiance has been foolish enough to become addicted to porn. Hanging in there with a porn addict is extremely painful, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone!

  • BKB Chantilly/USA, 00
    April 29, 2014 11:09 a.m.

    Some well-meaning therapists and church leaders will advise people to "run," not walk, away from anyone with a pornography addiction in their past. I believe that advice can cause a person to reject another erroneously. Porn problems are hard to overcome but can be, especially with a loving friend, fiancee, spouse to help.

    You may be better off without your fiancee if he rejects you without wanting to learn about your past struggle. Many of our past struggles make us stronger and more able to help others (weaknesses can become strengths). In some sense they define us, but often in a positive way.

    I hope you find the right person to marry. If you still struggle with pornography, know that you can overcome it. The Addiction Recovery Program can be of great help as can Power Over Pornography. Bless you for being willing to admit past weakness. Bless you for being open and honest and bless you to find a person who will love you enough to embrace all of you, not just your strengths.

  • Beaver Native St. George, UT
    April 29, 2014 10:48 a.m.

    Continuing my previous comments, if the facts were presented accurately, this young man, for whatever reason, is not ready for a lasting relationship and would jump ship at the first sign of trouble in any marriage. While I don't necessarily judge him for calling off the marriage, it seems apparent that he didn't take it to the Lord before making his decision, and if you have been close enough to someone to be engaged, ending the relationship by email shows emotional immaturity and an unwillingness to face issues. I agree with those who say that he would likely have jumped ship at the first sign of trouble in almost any marriage. For whatever reason, he has not yet learned the power of forgiveness and does not truly know the power of the atonement. Be glad that you found out before marriage and look for someone who has truly accepted the atonement and knows how to forgive.

  • Forgiveness is the Answer St George, UT
    April 29, 2014 10:47 a.m.

    When we marry someone, are we there to help that person return to Heavenly Father or not? Will we be there in illness? In trials? To patiently help that person overcome weaknesses? Because we have faith in him/her? We all need a mate who will help us make it back, not to tear us down, NOT in spite of our mistakes, weaknesses, and sins, but BECAUSE of them, who will stay with us BECAUSE of our mistakes, weaknesses, and sins--who loves us that much--unconditionally (presuming, of course, that we are genuinely repentant and always striving to improve). The person who never quits is ASSURED of exaltation because God knows he's ALWAYS climbing, long-term, in spite of periodic set-backs. We all need a spouse who is there to help us make it back, BECAUSE of all the trials along the way. What? They say someone who was abused as a child is more likely to abuse. Yet, wasn't he innocent of his abuse? Of whatever type it was? So, do you throw him in the trash-heap? Or give him the love he didn't know before? What is love?

  • Forgiveness is the Answer St George, UT
    April 29, 2014 10:36 a.m.

    I am SO sorry for this young lady, but I can promise her she will be glad, because a loving, giving, non-judgmental man will come into her life that cares for her. We don't get to pick-and-choose the doctrines we will live like a buffet, nor the trials we will face, nor our children. A self-righteous judgmental person is not anyone to marry--it is worse than any sin---just as non-forgiveness is always, literally, the greater sin. For example, if you have more than 3-4 children, odds are one of them will face a problem with drug, alcohol, porn addiction, pre-marital sex, be gay, or face something. How would that spouse have given love to those children? It is one thing to be hurt, to be angry, to set-up safeguards and boundaries - it is another to throw the child (or spouse) over the cliff & say "I'm outta here!" He would have quit at anything--& you never would have measured up. Divorce is the future of a judgmental, non-forgiver, or a battered-down spouse that is made to feel worthless. Go watch "Charly"! It says it all.

  • Dadof5sons Montesano, WA
    April 29, 2014 10:29 a.m.

    A few words of advice, that i am sure have already been posted. 1 be glad this unforgiving person is no longer in your life. If he can find fault with your past my goodness what else can he find fault with too. Remember your better then that. 2. this is hind sight and foresight for others. our past is our past it has gone down the river never to be seen again. leave it there don't bring it up ever! not disclosing past sins long forgiven by our loving father in heaven, who has said I will remember them no more. Don't bring up the past That Christ made right! It is not being dishonest to not spill your guts. I know you will find happiness and there is some one way better for you too.

  • Beaver Native St. George, UT
    April 29, 2014 10:27 a.m.

    I was married twice, each time to women who had made mistakes in the past. However, each had unresolved issues relating to their experiences. Neither had truly forgiven themselvees and each justified their own feelings of inadequacy by fabricating problems in their minds. Each ended up seeking for divorce. My first wife and all of our kids have essentially left the Church, and most of my 2nd wife's children (not my kids) have left the church and won't talk to their mother because of her behavior towards them.

    I am not comparing this young woman to my spouses; only saying we need to be very careful in our marriage decisions. I know of the power of true repentance and still believe that marriages to one who has made mistakes but has truly had a change of heart can and often does work, given each being determined to make it work. My advice to to this young woman is to forgive the young man, forget the hurt that he has caused and continue in the faith. Then the blessings will come.

  • terra nova Park City, UT
    April 29, 2014 9:45 a.m.

    What if she was addicted to prescription drugs... and gave them up?

    What if she was addicted to alcohol... and gave up drinking?

    What if she was addicted to nicotine... and gave up smoking?

    Would the story change?

  • kclady53 Baton Rouge, LA
    April 29, 2014 8:58 a.m.

    I'd say this was one lucky girl that dodged a bullet. Keep looking, honey. The right one is out there and you deserve him.

  • eaglerun Midvale, UT
    April 29, 2014 8:49 a.m.

    Classic Mom, Wow! How did he fall in love with her in the first place? It wasn't someone he just started dating and then decided to dump because it wasn't right. You would think that if he asked her to marry him there were other things that brought him to that point, now those are gone? Good luck finding that perfect person that doesn't have any problems. I would be just as worried that this person would dump someone before even talking about it. That is the way the world thinks though, if it doesn't work easy, find a new one!

  • Juliemom5 Kearns, UT
    April 29, 2014 8:42 a.m.

    I am shocked at how many people are criticizing the young man in this story. Angela even said that "there is more to the story" and we dont' know what all that entails. Those of us who have been married to people with pornography addiction know the hell it puts you and your family through. We don't know what other problems this couple may have experienced already, due to her previous addictions, and although it is true that the Atonement can afford forgiveness, it cannot remove the consequences of this serious sin, including that someone you want to marry might not want to risk marrying you.

  • Moontan Roanoke, VA
    April 29, 2014 8:34 a.m.

    @Red Corvette... In a thread about a requirement or not of confessing forgiven/forgotten sins to a potential spouse, I mention pity for the unfortunate (I'm single) who will have to suffer through my history pre-LDS, if such a confession is necessary (I pray not). Somehow brother donn connects that with yet another criticism of Joseph, based upon a second-hand statement from an alleged 'best friend'. Ignoring the validity of that description (best friends don't air another's laundry for the world to see), or how that comment relates to the poor girl who will have to listen to my colorful tales, I mention it would be best to rely on his wife's views of him and their marriage -- the point being donn's criticism of Joseph is diffused one more time. Is Joseph open to criticism? Yes, of course. Because of Bennett's statement? No.

    Re your Bill and Hilary question... Another shaky comparison, but she stood by him while acknowledging his sins. I think perhaps Emma would have acknowledge her husband's sins, too. Since she did not - re donn's post - I think that is very telling.

  • neltz Farmington, UT
    April 29, 2014 8:12 a.m.

    My advice for this young woman - please be very careful as you choose your spouse, and especially in light of the past addiction. I hope you can find someone who is. 1. Very strong against pornography temptation (which, by the way, does not mean ALL girls should run from them...). 2. Able to be a strength and a support to help you withstand this temptation throughout your life.

    Even worse than marrying someone who can't forgive and support you would be to marry someone who drags you toward pornography and encourages you to watch it with him - I can only imagine how difficult it would be to achieve pure and love-enhancing intimacy in that sort of marriage. So I think this conversation is important to have with your intended - find out if your perspective husband is tempted by pornography, absolutely! (hopefully he will be honest) - and find out how he will respond toward you or your kids toward your own struggles. There are men out there who will be perfect for you, mad many, many who will not.

  • Julie gluten free mother SALT LAKE CITY, UT
    April 29, 2014 8:02 a.m.

    Since the fiance' was able to end things so abruptly I would say there wasn't much depth to the relationship. Someone who really loves another person would have to take time to think about the issue before deciding it was something they couldn't deal with. I am willing to bet the day will come this girl will be grateful she didn't marry this guy when she meets the man she eventually marries. I know I am grateful beyond words I didn't marry the first person I thought I wanted to. My husband was worth waiting for.

  • neltz Farmington, UT
    April 29, 2014 7:51 a.m.

    The greatest kind of love sees all,
    and is not undone
    The truest joy in life is to be loved
    When there's nothing left to hide

    To both: keep seeking that kind of love.

  • mhenshaw Leesburg, VA
    April 29, 2014 7:10 a.m.

    We have no right pronounce unclean what the Lord has pronounced clean.

  • M. Butler Brooklyn, NY
    April 29, 2014 6:59 a.m.

    I would tell her not to *lie* in her bed crying. Or fire the DN editors.

  • Cinci Man FT MITCHELL, KY
    April 29, 2014 6:53 a.m.

    None of us is who will one day become. Jesus would not treat this girl in this way. Who does her fiancee think he is to view her less than Jesus does? If he ever decides to come unto Christ, he might be a good catch. But in this case, she is the ultimate winner. Run, girl. You are so lucky this didn't go further.

  • eastcoastcoug Danbury, CT
    April 29, 2014 5:52 a.m.

    I'm totally with Angela on this one. And I can't believe the commenters who said the young man was right. It's not that pornography isn't a serious issue, but how he handled it with her that gives me pause. Which is worse - pornography or an unforgiving heart that is quick to anger at others' mistakes? I think the young woman has dodged a huge bullet and I pity any woman who marries this guy.

  • Ricardo Carvalho Provo, UT
    April 29, 2014 5:47 a.m.

    Lots of judgment here. What concerns me most is what appears to be a fundamental misunderstanding of the atonement. Yes, the atonement can make one free from sin but it does not always make one free from the consequences of sin. I have known several who were addicted who repented of sin, were right with God and the LDS church but who later returned to their former addiction causing significant challenges in their relationships with family members and others. Addiction can and does return in many instances. It seems to me that the young man in this case had a kind of "right" to understand the risks in marrying the young lady so that he could make an informed decision regarding the risk. Is the young lady free from sin? Yes, she is having repented. Is there a possibility that the former sin might return? Yes. Should this factor into the marital decision? Yes. Did it need to be a deal breaker? Not for me to judge. The young man needs to know his own capacity for dealing with uncertainty and risk. He may not be up to that challenge. Certainly, he could have communicated in a more loving way.

  • ClaraHL Germany, 00
    April 29, 2014 3:14 a.m.

    I think it was definitely good that you talked with him about that. If you guys were going to marry, it is important that you trust each other and that you can talk openly about these things. I really admire you for your courage to say it, because I know its not easy.
    But his reaction shows you a lot about him; and we all make mistakes, but he had time to think and it looks like he didnt want to apologize for his attitude.
    The fact that you repented of this porn addiction and your attitude towards it, and that you wanted to talk about it and have no secrets is really admirable. You deserve someone who loves you and who is able to share your future with his. And I think if he cant accept your past, he wont be able to share your future together in the way you deserve.
    I know this is the worst thing to hear but I also know that its completely true: Your soulmate is still out there looking for you. Dont let him go! Go out, know new people, and be happy!

  • RosaMaria Laie, HI
    April 29, 2014 2:13 a.m.

    I agree that this girl was brave to open her heart to him. This young man also have the right to have expectations of the kind of girl she wants to marry. I believe we don't have the whole story, so we shouldn't be judging him. Pornography addiction is not a simple thing. Jesus was able to forgive the adulterous woman but he was Jesus.

  • Brent T. Aurora CO Aurora, CO
    April 29, 2014 2:00 a.m.

    "People should be entitled to their own choice and set of standards in their marriage." Spot on Kardon.

    We've recently dealt with in this column people perhaps having too high expectations/standards/a list in marrying. But in the end, it is our right by way of our free agency to make a wise choice in who we marry. Our choice. There are deal breakers. If one is honest with themselves, knowing themselves and what they can handle and what they cannot... this is wise. As others have suggested here, he may have had past experiences where he's seen this and knows he wouldn't deal with it. It is also possible his patriarchal blessing is explicit about certain things (mine was) in choosing a mate. Maybe, as some have suggested, he was looking for an excuse for other reasons.

    Doesn't matter. His choice. Her choice. And both have to agree. And both didn't.

    There reason for good hope that she'll find the right guy for her. And she should be honest pre-marriage, next time.

  • Judith D. Los Angeles, CA
    April 28, 2014 11:52 p.m.

    In my opinion, she was very lucky. Though I am not discounting her problem, his was the much greater sin in my opinion. The idea that he would discard someone he loved soul for something in her past is disgusting and morally reprehensble. I hope she finds someone who loves her for who she is, and I also hope he never marries. No one will ever be good enough for him.

  • 2close2call Los Angeles, CA
    April 28, 2014 11:52 p.m.

    This is interesting and I have never even heard of a girl having a porn addiction! Is this a Utah thing? Is this just a Mormon thing? I know of drug addicts and alcohol addicts but no porno addicts at all! Addiction has to be something that interferes with normal life like wanting to watch porn instead of going to work or dating the opposite sex.

    Please provide proof that this woman had a porno addiction! If not I want to know the real reason this man decided to lie and not marry this girl. I guarantee it had nothing to do with pornography. This boy needed a reason to get out of something he did not want. It is amazing how people will make things up when the real reason is much more simple that they do not like the person like they thought they did and therefore do not want to get married.

  • Moontan Roanoke, VA
    April 28, 2014 10:02 p.m.

    @donn ... With respect to John C Bennett, I'll side with any one of hundreds of recorded comments Mrs Smith made about her husband and her feelings for him.

  • antodav TAMPA, FL
    April 28, 2014 9:05 p.m.

    Wow. How judgmental. She is better off without him. If the Atonement is not good enough in his eyes to cover her past sins, then he wouldn't have made a good priesthood holder or husband anyway.

  • Back Talk Federal Way, WA
    April 28, 2014 8:33 p.m.

    I can see and understand the points of view from both sides that people have expressed. The problem is we dont have enuough information to make an informed judgement.

    I have never understood why some people feel the need to confess all past sins to a finance. You didnt cheat on him or her. Leting your past stay there is not keeping a secret unless you think it will affect your future. If it is a current issue, then that would be different. Do people really want to conduct full background checks that include sexual activity?

    I like the idea of discussing attitudes about money, sex(as much as you can), and parenting etc but that doesnt involve reopening wounds that are hopefully healed.

    Good luck to you.

  • tabuno Clearfield, UT
    April 28, 2014 8:33 p.m.

    Wow. Your fiance seems to have really botched this wonderful relationship. I can't imagine that any male would pass up an opportunity to have a relationship with a female that delved into sexuality like you have. Perhaps, he was threatened that he wouldn't be able to meet the fantasy ideals that you used to dream about. Your fiance may have had doubts about his own sexuality and the extent of your commitment to him (which though seems to be beyond doubt). His loss. I don't see anything wrong with what you did.

  • heidis Hines, OR
    April 28, 2014 8:23 p.m.

    I think he was not as in love with her as she was with him and was looking for an out. She handed him one -- and perhaps he, too, has the same addiction and did not want to admit it. She is better off knowing how he handles imperfection in others. Let him go. He's not worth your tears.

  • jfarker Temecula, CA
    April 28, 2014 6:32 p.m.

    This conversation should have taken place BEFORE they got engaged. Forgiveness is just as important to healthy relationships as love and trust. I think she dodged a bullet.

  • momeasylove provo, UT
    April 28, 2014 6:30 p.m.

    Hi I am very sadden about your relatetionship and what happened. I think that he is not much of a man to just walk away and not even take time to talk and go over things with you. He does not remember that there is only one person that does the judging of people lives and he is not here so what does that tell you. My heart is very sadden for you God bless you and your life and your future thanks.

  • DennisJ SLC, UT
    April 28, 2014 5:27 p.m.

    I am appalled at this guy's lack of willingness to discuss issues. Having had a couple broken engagements myself, I have learned that clear communication is the only way to true happiness in a relationship. I've also learned that "deal-breakers" leave no room for humanity. Homeboy needs a reality check; he won't stay married long, if this is how he treats significant others.

  • Mormonmama0106 Phoenix, AZ
    April 28, 2014 4:53 p.m.

    He was so quick to call the relationship quits without even hearing her out, it makes me wonder if he was looking for a way out anyway. She's better off without him.

  • CASteinman San Diego, CA
    April 28, 2014 4:46 p.m.

    I am so sorry that she has had this experience. I am so sorry her heart was broken.

    But its a good thing and in time she will see that. She dodged a bullet. This man has somehow been very dishonest with her. I don't know exactly how, but there is a dishonesty in this. Either HE had a similar addiction and was afraid to be associated with someone who had the same weakness, or he is extremely insecure or he was looking for an excuse to break off the engagement.

    There are good reasons and there are real reasons -- they don't always match up.

    His behavior reeks of a serious problem HE has. So, after a suitable amount of time to grieve -- pick up and move on -- happy to be rid of this person who was going to be a problem over time. If I were your dad -- I would be SO HAPPY right now.

  • kiddoc Bountiful, UT
    April 28, 2014 4:39 p.m.

    Whatever it was that you two shared, it wasn't love. Be glad he is gone! He isn't worth a plug nickel.

  • name_withheld Cedar Hills, UT
    April 28, 2014 4:35 p.m.

    I obviously don't know about the young man in question, but my comments had nothing to do with forgiveness. They were about being aware of potential problems going into a marriage. I can tell you from experience that certain kinds of baggage (whether forgiven or not) will eventually manifest themselves, and if one party is not going to be able to deal with it when it does, isn't it better to know upfront?

  • dotp POTEAU, OK
    April 28, 2014 4:34 p.m.

    This young lady actually may not realize she has "dodged a bullet" of sorts. If her young man is looking for someone who has never made a mistake, he will be searching for a long time. It appears he was looking for an excuse anyway, and he found one. Stop eating your heart out over him and be grateful you DIDN'T get saddled with someone who would be so hypercritical of your every action that you walked on egg shells until you finally gave up in frustration and fear. He would have found a reason sooner or later. Be glad it was BEFORE you married him. Now you are free to look for someone who will love ALL of you, "warts and all" so to speak. Marriage is far more than just two people living in the same household. It has to be based on deep trust or it can't survive. Pray for Heavenly Father to send you the RIGHT man this time.

  • rickdoctor Chandler, AZ
    April 28, 2014 3:46 p.m.

    First: I don't believe porn should be referred to as an 'addiction' either.
    Second: However, I believe it can be a serious relationship harm
    Third: She said it was in the past -- done. So what would this self-righteous man do with 'past' sexual sins, drug abuse, depression treatment, criminal behavior -- all 'past'? Is there anything that he can 'forgive'? Does he even believe in 'forgiveness'?
    Fourth: Perhaps he is hiding something himself, since he jumped up without having to answer the question, at the first excuse to bail out -- I think there is a real possibility that he cannot handle his own past, so he had to get out of there at the first sign that she was a past sinner -- sort of like ALL OF US!!!
    Fifth: Hopefully she will see better in the next relationship when there is an unforgiving person on the other side -- makes for a really difficult time, when one partner cannot forgive -- change that to impossible time, it will never work.

  • joe5 South Jordan, UT
    April 28, 2014 3:30 p.m.

    I wonder how people would respond if it was the man who had a past porn addiction instead of the woman.

  • Charityalways Centerville, UT
    April 28, 2014 3:09 p.m.

    She's way better off without him. This seems like one of the worst examples of making uncompromising standards more important than forgiveness and charity. Blessedly, the Lord operates the opposite way. All you need are faith, repentance, and the saving ordinances with Him. And everybody will have that chance, even the overly judgmental former fiancé if he ever figures it out.

  • crimendelsiglo Spanish Fork, UT
    April 28, 2014 2:55 p.m.

    PAST's story tells one side only; majority of comments seem to be against the fiance (male)

    PAST quotes the fiance as saying, "i was afraid you'd say something like that." interesting that was his response to her admission; what made him apprehensive, suspicious ?

    how serious was her "addiction": duration, frequency, alone or with a(nother) partner?

    i'm not convinced that PAST is a fiancee (female); "she" doesn't imply she is woman. in today's society and conditioning, we are left to assume too much regarding their relationship: she said, he said

    way too much blame on the man: not reading his scriptures, lack of faith and forgiveness and other "sins". Jesus forgave the woman caught in the act [of adultry,] fiance should also, and i hope he will. he was abrupt; she confessed abruptly. he responded. this kind of "addiction" is not easy. he should be allowed time to heal from his disappointment and go on with the life he chooses. you will notice that Jesus forgave the adulteress, but he didn't marry her

  • amagnetick AV, CA
    April 28, 2014 2:41 p.m.

    I find it curious that so many are able to judge when they have so little information to go on. I truly hope that you all don't normally act like this in your day to day life. If you do, you must have a hard time getting along. I also find it suspicious that someone would actually air this out in public. Not something I would want out there, even if it is supposed to be "anonymous".

  • AerilusMaximus Berryville, VA
    April 28, 2014 2:35 p.m.

    Sounds like a win-win scenario to me. The Woman in the story gets to start over and look for a man that is mature enough to work through problems and the man gets to start over and look for a woman that meets his standards.

    It is a lot better than going through an awful marriage that ends in divorce.

  • JayTee Sandy, UT
    April 28, 2014 2:25 p.m.

    She's very fortunate that this inadvertent litmus test was applied relatively early in the game. If he dropped the ball and headed for the door on something like this, imagine what he'd be likely to do if something really serious happened to unbalance things financially, physically, socially, or psychologically in the marriage. Now she can concentrate on positive things and positive people, and hope that next time she gets involved with someone, it'll be a situation where the love is mutual.

  • RMburk Provo, UT
    April 28, 2014 2:18 p.m.

    Is there anyone on this planet who has never been weak, who has never done something wrong to others? I dont know of any!! We are all beggars to Christ and as time passes we must overcome the our past through trusting Christ and our future. Whether this man rejects you or not, YOU have not been rejected. God could not be more proud of you for your courageous decision to show your weaknesses and move forward, with the hope that little by little you will become a little more like Christ. I hope you can remember that. God is proud of you and does not even remember what you did in the past. You will find the man that loves you even with all the rough edges we all have and you will look back on the experience you have passed through and tearfully thank God that He loved you enough to allow this experience to pass through your life. Good Luck! we love you

  • RedShirt USS Enterprise, UT
    April 28, 2014 1:45 p.m.

    The letter left out some key details that would be great in Angela could find out. Has this young woman who admitted to a past porn addiction done anything to overcome the addiction, or did she just work it out on her own.

    I would be concerned if she just tried to work it out on her own becuase of the risk of returning to that behavior. If she received the appropriate treatment and has learned good coping skills to avoid returning to porn, then that is quite a bit different.

    Plus, how recent was the past addiction? Last month, last year, 10 years ago? Details like that would help to better understand her situation.

    The basic question is how likely is she to go back to the bad behavior? If it has been a young man who was addicted to drugs, wouldn't we expect him to go through a treatment before telling a young lady that he is prepared for marriage?

  • stampingmynn Derby, KS
    April 28, 2014 1:36 p.m.

    I think that we are all being a little bit harsh on the fiance here. Did he handle this poorly? Yes. But here is my opinion--all hard questions need to be asked BEFORE an engagement. If he knew that he was unable to marry someone with this past problem, that is fine and his decision, but the questions should be asked BEFORE engagement. I did, and it has blessed my eternal marriage immensely to start on a firm foundation. It is time to teach our children to ask these questions as they are dating and to be serious about what we can and cannot forgive or live with. Not everyone can live with someone who has had a pornography addiction. That doesn't make them BAD, it makes them human. At least he had seriously considered this and made a decision before hand. Since we don't have his side of the story, we need to stop pointing fingers, look inward, and learn from this. Always ask BEFORE.

  • Stormwalker Cleveland , OH
    April 28, 2014 1:08 p.m.

    Dr Reid.

    Color me impressed.

    Thank you for your comments, and for the offer you made to the young man.

    I might add, this young woman seems to have been greatly harmed by the man's reaction. Perhaps you could also spare her an hour and a referral.

    Either way, again, thank you.

  • Dr Reid Beverly Hills, CA
    April 28, 2014 12:49 p.m.

    I’ve worked with hundreds of patients with pornography problems, have authored books on this topic, and am recognized as a national expert on this issue. I had mixed reactions to this story. Others have correctly noted that “pornography addiction” is not a sanctioned “addictive disorder.” Nevertheless, I still work with patients with pornography problems. Many women have ended relationships with my patients over this issue and this man was equally entitled to dissolve his relationship. He could have been more diplomatic as others have noted. I don’t wonder why this was a “deal breaker” but whether he had enough accurate insight to make an informed decision. Does he really understand what this issue is about? It’s not about sex anymore than a gambling disorder is about money or an eating disorder is about food. Young man, if you read this, get in touch with me and I’ll give you an hour of my time to answer any questions, address your fears, and help you understand this issue on a deeper level. I’m indifferent about your choice regarding your engagement.

    Dr. Rory Reid
    UCLA Department of Psychiatry

  • Moontan Roanoke, VA
    April 28, 2014 12:47 p.m.

    name_withheld
    Cedar Hills, UT .... I agree with Windsor. A past repented of and forgotten by God needs no revisiting. He expects us to forget it, too. We can't do that if we must relive it to potential spouses.

    If not, my goose it cooked. I converted at 44. If I'm expected to explain my life prior to then, I feel sorry for a potential mate. The poor lady will require sedatives. No, I say leave a buried past buried.

    Well, one exception: a criminal history should be explained (which I don't have, thank you). But not much else, if anything.

  • Idaho_Boy Aberdeen, ID
    April 28, 2014 12:31 p.m.

    I appreciate all of the comments that have been written. I realize there is always more to the story than can be detailed in a couple of paragraphs and we only have one side of the story. However to me it looks like this young man got cold feet and was looking for any kind of deal breaker and certainly found one and also found a way to have the young woman blame herself for the break up.

    As far as the other conversation is porn addictive, of course it is. Does everyone that has viewed porn going to become a serial rapist and rapist/killer? No of course not. However you will find porn in the computers/homes of everyone of these individuals. Just like some people can drink alcohol and have no problems, for others it starts them on a path that leads them down where no one wants to go.

    In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus said that thinking about doing something wrong is a sin. We will be judged for both our thoughts and our deeds, because our thoughts become our deeds.

    God bless this young woman and the young man as well.

  • steeroper SACRAMENTO, CA
    April 28, 2014 12:23 p.m.

    It's always sad when someone who claims to understand the gospel can't see that the Savior already took care of this & to Him, she's clean. If the girl is able to get her Temple Recommend, it's forgotten.

  • farmingtonhousewife Farmington, UT
    April 28, 2014 12:04 p.m.

    Let he who is without guilt - cast the first stone - he is probably quilty of it himself. Not man enough to discuss it with her and to write her an email? Shame on him.

  • windsor City, Ut
    April 28, 2014 12:03 p.m.

    name_withheld
    Cedar Hills, UT

    "Sharing problems - even those believed to be in the past, and especially sexual ones, because they will affect that area of your marriage in one way or another - is vital to starting out a good marriage."

    Wrong.Wrong.

    Anything truly repented of and gotten over in the past is not brought up with successive ecclesiastical leaders, or bosses, or friends, or parents, or anyone-- including a potential spouse.
    If it has been repented of completely and correctly, it is between you and the Lord only.

    What good is repenting and laying that on the Savior if you are going to drag it out and heap it and its carnage upon your fiance or yourself or your relationship? Don't you know what satan will do with that in the future? Talk about doubts and distrust of a spouse, fueled by he who's every intention is to ruin your marriage....

    IF however, you have NOT repented fully, completely, and correctly and have a completely changed heart about your problem, you need to do so before even remotely thinking of joining your life with someone in marriage.

  • windsor City, Ut
    April 28, 2014 11:50 a.m.

    brainoncapitalist said: "To anybody who thinks that pornography addiction isn't real, you are either ignorant or are trying to justify your own use of pornography."

    SO True.

    The ONLY people who stand up for, and stick up for, and support and invoke the "free speech" Amendment and decry that porn is not harmful or addictive or that it can ruin lives and relationships are either those who absolutely have no idea what they are talking about.
    Or are justifying their own use of porn.

  • sanpaco Sandy, UT
    April 28, 2014 11:36 a.m.

    Absolutely not the wrong decision. If he can't deal with the fact that you're not perfect then you wouldn't have been happy with him. You need someone who realizes nobody is perfect but is willing to work with you and your weaknesses just as you are willing to work with him and his. This seems to be a huge problem in the church where people hear the message to "shun pornography" and interpret it as "shun those who are addicted to pornography".

  • nanniehu Tooele, UT
    April 28, 2014 11:35 a.m.

    It sounds as if neither person understands what repentance means. First off, if you have truly repented of a sin or transgression you have been forgiven by the Savior. You don't need anyone else to validate that. Let it go. Secondly, yes she dodged the bullet on this one, as he would have been using her past to control their future together. He obviously doesn't understand the idea of forgiveness and has an over inflated notion of his own purity and goodness. I hope she can move on and learn from this. Too often women feel the need to tell all. It isn't necessary, unless you still have a problem you are working on.

  • kimnprovo Orem, UT
    April 28, 2014 11:34 a.m.

    I support the gentleman for his decision. I do not; however, support his way of delivering the message. I personally know how difficult it is to call off and engagement, but if you remember that you love(d) the person you should want to handle it in a more mature manner.

    I applaud the young lady for her honesty. I know this has hurt you, but as easy as it is to do you should not take it personally. We cannot control the thoughts and feelings of others. While he made his known in a very immature way, his feelings are very real to him. He is unwilling to be married to someone with a history of pornography abuse. That doesn't mean he doesn't/didn't love you, but it is clear by his words that he made a promise to himself what he would and would not accept in a wife.

    Email breakup removed and I cannot fault him.

  • Maureen Fepuleai New Zealand, 00
    April 28, 2014 11:08 a.m.

    Open up to your family or most trusted friend because you need to feel loved and supported by those who truly accept and love you for who you are 💕HUGS💕
    Your heart may feel broken now but in time, you will forgive him and be ready to move on with no bitterness or self-recrimination - stronger for the experience.

  • buckbeaver Lake Forest, CA
    April 28, 2014 11:01 a.m.

    Young people today will be hard pressed to find that so-called perfect mate, as more and more will have skeletons in the closet whether it be porn, depression,physical handicaps, etc.
    Sure, everyone wants the perfect mate but people seem to forget that marriage is a journey,not a destination. Better to have a spouse one is willing to grow with, than a "perfect" mate that has no room for growth.

  • Anonymous100 Anywhere, UT
    April 28, 2014 10:44 a.m.

    Marriage is hard, period. I've been married for nearly 30 years. It hasn't been a perfect marriage, no marriage is, but we have been and are committed to God, to each other and to our family. So while it hasn't been perfect, it has, for the most part, been happy. And it's gotten better and easier as time has gone by because we have grown together through the trials of life.

    This young lady has or had a problem that the young man could not deal with. That's fine. There is someone for her who will love her, support her and help her in every way she needs. She'll get through and past this. Good luck to both of them. Oh, and it is never appropriate to end a relationship through a phone or a computer. Have the guts to talk face-to-face.

  • mauister Wailuku, HI
    April 28, 2014 10:42 a.m.

    The dumped former porn addict is lucky she got rid of this nut before marriage. The guy is not marriage material for anyone that actually lives or has ever lived. His rigid thinking might be based in some strange emotional pathological hyper-sensitivity and he should never marry and would be better suited to monastic living.

  • mauister Wailuku, HI
    April 28, 2014 10:37 a.m.

    Did Angela change the characters, flipping the male for the female? I have never heard of a female having a porn addiction. It's just not something that generally interests women that much.

  • Kardon Saratoga Springs, UT
    April 28, 2014 10:35 a.m.

    From the story it appears the young man had reason to believe that there was an issue with porn before the lady admitted to it. This indicates that the porn addiction may not be resolved or left behind. There is simply not enough detail given here for anyone outside of this situation to judge.

    Porn addiction is real, however, and the stories of those caught up in it cannot be explained away as much as some would try to deny it. To read these stories, google "yourbrainonporn internet porn addiction".

    I wonder also if the roles were reversed - if the man were the one with the porn addiction - how willing would we all be to tell the young lady to forgive and forget and go ahead and marry into that situation? Or if the lady had a problem with past alcohol abuse, or gambling, or a very bad credit history? All of these can have devastating effects on relationships. Frankly, I believe if people were more cautious about who they marry, we would have less instances of divorce.

    People should be entitled to their own choice and set of standards in their marriage.

  • PMark Tomball, TX
    April 28, 2014 10:26 a.m.

    He was "terrified" that she might not be perfect? "Terrified"!?!

    If I were to guess, I would say that it sounds like what he really was "terrified" of was marriage. Let's face it, marriage can be a very frighting proposition. When she revealed her past problem, it allowed his fears to take over. Instead of controlling his fears, he let his fears control him. Think of him as Julia Roberts in "The Runaway Bride".

    Hopefully someday he will no longer be "terrified" of marriage and be able to tie the knot with some worthy young woman. Who knows? It might even be her. But for now, she is free to get on with her life without him.

  • name_withheld Cedar Hills, UT
    April 28, 2014 9:58 a.m.

    Sharing problems - even those believed to be in the past, and especially sexual ones, because they will affect that area of your marriage in one way or another - is vital to starting out a good marriage.

    The man was wrong in how he handled things, but if he didn't feel he could deal with the possibility of relapses in their marriage, breaking things off was the right thing for him to do. A person who has had problems with pornography needs a spouse who understands and is willing to support them in their recovery, regardless of whether it's thought to be in the past or not. A recovered addict is still always just a few steps away from a relapse.

    And yes, it is an addiction. The chemicals released in the brain while acting out are the same as those provided by drugs.

    It is possible to still have a good marriage when one or both partners have had pornography problems, but both partners need to be fully aware and on board.

  • terra nova Park City, UT
    April 28, 2014 9:46 a.m.

    Many have condemned the young man. They have a point. It certainly seems he could have been kinder, gentler and much more Christlike. But if we judge him based on a few lines in an email, are we acting like him?

    Regarding the young woman suffering (or any who suffer like her): Give yourself time and permission to grieve. The pain is real. Grief is a real and valuable part of the healing process. The depths of grief is a measure of our capacity to love. People who love deeply are worth a great deal. But love always passes through grief. It is its nature to find a new object to help, bless and contribute to. It passes through loss and refocuses on new situations and people and rebuilds... just as God does with us.

    The terrible tragedy of this situation is that the apparently pious and judgmental young man's reaction precludes much growth. But the young woman may blossom into a remarkable, strong, wise and compassionate person. What a blessing! She has nothing but grace and powerful tides of good flowing to her. He may have severely damaged his chances to grow and progress.

  • wehage65 BURKE, VA
    April 28, 2014 9:34 a.m.

    Dear Girl, I think you dodged a bullet there! If you can't be 100% honest with your spouse something is just wrong. Not that you should be required to bare or tell all, just that you should be SAFE in doing so, with your former fiancé you were not safe, he would not have been a good keeper of your heart. His loss! If you are right with the Lord, that's all that matters. Wait for a good one, don't settle, and don't go back to him if he does have a change of heart, he has issues dealing with disappointment, trials and struggles, not to mention communication! He needs to mature a great deal before he's a candidate for marriage.

  • oddman ,
    April 28, 2014 9:28 a.m.

    Re: Spikey

    Wrong my friend, there is definite evidence that pornography can be addictive. Study it and you will discover that the same endorphins brought on by heroin occur when one begins to become aroused from viewing pornography. If it is something that you cannot control and are compelled to engage in you might well be addicted. And there is recovery from any addiction but it requires commitment and some real honest to goodness effort.

    I believe the man who walked away was finally given the easy out that he wanted.

  • Nolan Idaho Falls, ID
    April 28, 2014 9:27 a.m.

    The thing that I find interesting is that the young man wants to marry someone who is opposed to pornography. Those who tend to have the greatest hatred for this sin are those who are recovering addicts. So in essence he found what he wants in a relationship, but has not given the young lady a chance to explain her feelings on the matter. All marriage relationships need the atonement, I see it as a chance for it to be applied. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities...

    I wonder if this young man has some friends/family that have had their relationships destroyed by this addiction. I think that would explain some of his motivations to me. Definitely poorly handled on his part. If he is unwilling to at least hear her side of the story without jumping to conclusions about the depth of her feelings I'd say she's better off.

  • Deliriousdd Benicia, CA
    April 28, 2014 9:20 a.m.

    I am remembering the scripture in the doctrine and Covenants that says that if we do not forgive, we are guilty of the greater sin.

  • Dante Salt Lake City, UT
    April 28, 2014 9:06 a.m.

    Girlfriend, you dodged a bullet. Count your blessings. He didn't love you for who you are. He was evaluating you on the basis of his personal rating scale, looking more for a trophy than a partner. He's entitled to do that, but you're entitled to draw your own conclusions about just how immature and self-centered he is.

    The scale of wrongfulness or potential harm over a past porn problem can fluctuate broadly. Lumping everyone into one big "sinner's box" is short-sighted and unhelpful. Don't beat yourself up over this problem. Your past problem doesn't diminish your value as a marriage partner. For men or women, spending your life married to a "pure" but sexually repressed partner is no picnic either.

  • Brahmabull sandy, ut
    April 28, 2014 8:56 a.m.

    caf

    Do you not get the part where it was a past porn addiction? It wasn't a current one. If everybody said that was a deal breaker if you were ever addicted to porn, I doubt many women would be married.

    To those saying that he needs to read the scriptures... That rarely helps in real life situations, especially since we don't know the extent of their religious beliefs. 'Read the scriptures' doesn't really apply.

  • sjames AMERICAN FORK, UT
    April 28, 2014 8:51 a.m.

    This guy has the completely wrong attitude. If he was ready to make the commitment of becoming engaged, he should have already learned that from you and/or been comfortable dealing with your own past issues, just as you will be dealing with his.
    I think that in some cases, certain people carry more "baggage" from the past than their spouses. However, if the couple is determined to make the family and the gospel the center of their lives, then nothing from the past can stop them.

  • DrGroovey Salt Lake City, UT
    April 28, 2014 8:46 a.m.

    Wow, I can't believe how judgmental these posts seem to be of boyfriend here, especially considering we were given no information about him at all. I know several couples who have had their marriages destroyed by pornography. One of my close friends watched his parents have a terrible marriage that eventually ended mainly due to pornography. People who have seen the devastating effects up close are wise to be wary of marriage to someone who has a history of pornography. For all we know, this lady's fiance has seen the effects close up and has decided he is not willing to gamble his eternal future on a relationship that has any connection to pornography at all. That may appear selfish on his part, but it may also be the wise and honest thing for him to do based on his experience.

  • KinCO Fort Collins, CO
    April 28, 2014 8:46 a.m.

    Perhaps I'm very sensitive to this topic because my daughter's temple marriage just ended because of her husband's porn addiction. She knew about it before they married, was assured that it was in the past, and he did stay away from porn for the first year or so of their marriage. Then great stress came into his life, he returned to porn (hid it from her), and within a matter of a few months, he left the church ("makes me feel guilty") and began an affair with a fellow grad student (not LDS, no aversion to porn). This was a couple who knew each other very well--dated for over two years, shared everything, had spent a great deal of time with each other's families, had been through other life challenges, but when he succumbed again to porn and had to find a way to justify his behavior to himself, it all fell apart.

    The fiance handled the situation badly, but I understand his decision. Maybe someone close to him has had the same experience as my daughter. It has been completely devastating and it will take her a long time to heal and trust again.

  • Pablito South Jordan, UT
    April 28, 2014 8:38 a.m.

    @Spikey: Addiction is characterized as the inability to consistently Abstain, Impairment in Behavioral control, Craving, etc. If you can't abstain, are craving and it controls you, YOU ARE ADDICTED TO PORN! My son is addicted. He attends the 12-step program for it. He doesn't want to do it but sometimes falls back into it. It gives him comfort when he's having a tough time. Yes there are other things he could do but he found this, liked it and now uses it. We are working with him on it and things are improving.

    Now, "The Past" has had issues in the past that she recognized as 'addicting'. I'm sure it was tough to bring it up as my wife did the same to me before we married. She told me things that completely surprised me but she went through the proper repentance processes and I would be wrong to hold it against her. Yea I had to think about it and work it out in my mind. Who am I to say she isn't a good person? I have my own weaknesses. Once I'm perfect, I can judge her harsher. But until then....

  • jimhale Eugene, OR
    April 28, 2014 8:34 a.m.

    Given the day and generation, this is all too common....though one would like to think it is more common with the genders reversed.

    It is highly likely....let me say that again.....it is highly likely... that upon hearing her frank and honest expression of how bad she felt about this past but overcome problem, he looked at himself and suddenly realized that, if he also told the truth, he would have to divulge his own involvement with this issue.....past or continuing. He may have concluded that he was not up to reciprocal honesty or equivalent repentance.

    The writer is better off to find out now that he values his own expectations more than he values sincerity and honesty....and repentance in others.

  • heidi ho Fort Collins, CO
    April 28, 2014 8:30 a.m.

    I have been married to someone that was addicted to porn all through our marriage. It has been incredibly difficult and painful, although it has forced me to really dig deep and grow in my own life in ways I would never have grown before and I am a much more healed than I ever was before I got married. Pornography is an addiction and it is tied to sexaholism which is one of the fastest growing addictions. I have been in S-Anon (co-addicts to sexaholism) for 12 years and been dealing with this illness in our family in so many ways. I have been to many international conventions and state conventions and heard many devastating stories. Pornography addiction doesn't just go away, ever. It will always be a hook and a temptation. I think he did the right thing in this story and I wish I had known before I was married what I know now. However I would never have grown in ways that have me centered on the Lord, willing to look at my own resentments and selfishness, and able to help a lot of other women that are struggling with the same issues.

  • jeanie orem, UT
    April 28, 2014 8:24 a.m.

    I agree with Hoss817 that if an addiction recovery is less than 3 years old - take you time - observe how your intended manages life, then make your decision with your eyes wide open accepting that it may resurface, even while hoping it doesn't. If this is not a concern you want it's ok to move on. However, understand that there are risks no matter who you marry and no-one comes risk free, not even you.

    To those who believe that sexual addiction is not real, I'm not sure what studies you are reading but you are wrong. Having known individuals with both drug and sexual addictions they have stated the sexual addictions were harder to overcome.

  • caf Bountiful, UT
    April 28, 2014 8:22 a.m.

    Wow. I finally don't agree with Angela on this one. Well, I do and I don't. A porn addiction IS a deal breaker. She was right to tell her fiancé about it. The right young man for her will have his own addiction issue or be willing to marry her knowing that she may have re-accuring issues with porn for the rest of her life. At least that is what I have come to know, personally, about men who deal with the addiction. The person with an addiction problem has no clue the extent of the pain and heartache that the spouse must deal with. If you are already married, try to hang in there. As this couple was not yet married, good for him. Marriage is tough enough without a devastating addiction to deal with. We all need repentance but some of the choices we make could affect us for the rest of our lives.

  • airnaut Everett, 00
    April 28, 2014 8:19 a.m.

    I agree with many other comments.
    This was the tip of a HUGE iceberg,
    and bigger problems with him would have been sure to follow.

    As a Priesthood holder, he is supposed to be Christ-like.

    That is NOT how Christ would have handled it.

    He might know the "rules" of sin,
    but he most certainly has no clue about the Atonement.

    Too bad, because denying the Atonoment is literally mocking Jesus the Christ.

    She's better off without him.

  • Red Smith American Fork, UT
    April 28, 2014 8:18 a.m.

    Matters of the heart are not known by others. There really is no advice from others that work here.

  • brainoncapitalist Orem, UT
    April 28, 2014 8:00 a.m.

    From my experience as a recovering addict and sponsoring addicts, I have come to believe that an addict who is truly in recovery has more understanding of the atonement and how to access its life-changing power than most people who never have to learn to overcome something so devastating in their lives. They understand that they are powerless over their addictions (and, let's be honest, everybody is addicted to sinning, right?) and that they absolutely must turn over their lives to the Savior if they want to overcome.

    To anybody who thinks that pornography addiction isn't real, you are either ignorant or are trying to justify your own use of pornography. Pornography addiction is absolutely real and those of us who are addicted know this because, despite having horrible consequences deriving from our use of pornography, we absolutely cannot stop using it, at least not for very long. That is, unless we completely surrender it to the Lord.

  • Roundtrip Thomasville, GA
    April 28, 2014 7:58 a.m.

    I doubt that your fiancé is without flaws of his own, he just didn't open up. When you ask God for forgiveness, he forgets those sins. They are as if they never happened. Your fiancé needs to read his scriptures. If your fiancé were to come back, he would probably throw this issue up in your face every time he got angry and try to make you feel terrible for the rest of that marriage. I agree with some other readers...it appears that Mr. Wrong did you a favor by moving on. I know you are broken hearted now, but it will pass.

  • Spikey Layton, UT
    April 28, 2014 7:52 a.m.

    I wanted to add a little more to "The Past" in hopes this will help her:

    Do not let anybody lay any kind of pathologize you! You are a beautiful person inside and out. I know this because you are one of God's children. I have done some research on this topic (Porn addiction) and you will be fine, don't let anybody judge your sexuality. It is yours, and everybody handles their challenges differently. It is only because of the culture in which we live, which has a sex-negative view. FACT: Porn addiction is NOT found in psychology's DSM V, (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) it is not a true diagnosable problem. Don't listen to the media hype about "porn addiction." It is bogus. For the record, I am NOT an advocate for porn, but the media promulgates this problem and pathologizing people just makes the problem worse. You will be OK, kick Mr. Email to the curb and find a man better suited to your needs. ((hugs))

  • dotGone Puyallup, WA
    April 28, 2014 7:50 a.m.

    I agree with Bill McGee - She dodged a bullet on this one. Marriage to a punitive, exacting person would be awful! I also agree with Moontan - the decision was probably made before the conversation began.
    Losses like this are tough to process, but better to get out at this point than after 10 years of marriage and some kids. not to mention, that his actions show how he would treat mistakes their children make! Furthermore, someone who bolts from a sensitive discussion doesn't seem able to address the many sensitive situations that come up in marriage and family.
    My bet is he is already seeing someone else..... :)

  • Hoss817 Queen Creek, AZ
    April 28, 2014 7:49 a.m.

    Because I am a senior adult, I have a lot of miles under my belt. My rule to my kids when they were dating is that if the addiction was less than three years away, they need to put the brakes on the relationship and wait. In regards to confessing sins to our intended spouses, serious sins is always shared. However, if it was a long, long time ago, perhaps not. I think the young man is a little bit crass, nevertheless, for the young girl, there are consequences to sins, even if they were a few years old, and even if the repentance process required by the church is complete. If a young man or a young woman are uneasy about a partners past, for the sake of those yet unborn, it is best not to go on. One of the mistakes young people make all the time is that they think that love conquer all. In many cases it does not. I think that this young lady needs to woman up and accept full responsibility for her choices and the resulting consequences. It is not fair to put any blame on her former boyfriend at all.

  • baddog Cedar Rapids, IA
    April 28, 2014 7:48 a.m.

    gwenmangelson hit it head on, in my view. If he loved you as you thought he did, he more likely would want to help you stay away from anything you had worked to overcome.

    Perhaps the fiance had his own porn addiction. No matter, she deserves better than to be judged so harshly without being permitted a complete explanation of then and now.

    It's difficult not to judge unrighteously sometimes. It sounds like her former fiance might be a stone thrower. I wish him well in finding a perfect mate. And I wish the young woman good hunting for a mate who will love her for time and all eternity.

  • RR_Xing San Diego, CA
    April 28, 2014 7:47 a.m.

    Having an honest talk about past relationships and issues prior to marriage is absolutely the right thing to do. Marriage is a close and intimate relationship, and any skeletons in the closet are going to find their way out sooner or later: better to make it sooner.

  • george of the jungle goshen, UT
    April 28, 2014 7:45 a.m.

    In A A, I learned that the 1st step to recover any addiction is to admit you have a problem. Your doing every thing right. Turn it over to your higher power, Let go let God. Sorry for your loss. But betrayal is worse than rape is what I heard. Try to keep the faith in people. Never give up. You mater.

  • Livingglad Graham, WA
    April 28, 2014 7:44 a.m.

    Though sad for her, she was lucky to find out early that he would bail at the sign of trouble. Having weathered 51 years of married life, I know I wouldn't like to have been married to one who couldn't share the ups and downs that surely come.

  • J-TX Allen, TX
    April 28, 2014 7:43 a.m.

    I agree with Moontan, that it seems he was just looking for an escape clause, and this fit the bill. Here's news for you, Dude: If you are looking for a partner who is perfect, you're out of luck. And don't look in the mirror, either. You need to read The Miracle of Forgiveness.

    LittleStream: you also need to again consult your scriptures, if you think The Lord "forgave" the woman caught in adultery. What he said was, "neither do I condemn thee, go thy way and sin no more", allowing her time and the opportunity to move on and repent and seek forgiveness. He, and frankly all the men around him, was within his rights to have killed her by stoning. But he came to fulfill that law and replace it with a higher law of compassion, love and forgiveness.

    Seems like the guy in this situation has a lot of maturing to do.

  • Casman Provo, UT
    April 28, 2014 7:41 a.m.

    Wow - just, wow. My wife and I opened up to each other while engaged also - because we know it is right to not have secrets. Shame and skeletons have no place in a happy marriage. My wife had a couple things that she actually thought would be "deal breakers" but shared with me anyway. I am thankful she did, and it taught me that redemption and atonement apply to everyone. It helped me with my testimony. 14 years (and three children) later we love each other more than ever. It is said that those who truly love you - know what you think is the worst thing about yourself, and love you anyway. Him leaving is a good thing. Move on.

  • Gemini Australia, 00
    April 28, 2014 7:40 a.m.

    I totally agree with everything Angela said. This guy is not worth the trouble if they had gone ahead with the marriage. I will play devils advocate for a moment...

    I know someone who married a young man with a diagnosed porn addiction - she knew. 3 months into their marriage committed a bigger sin related to his addiction. She stayed with him and they are working on it together. I have seen members of his extended suffer from this too and with children in the mix, made things very difficult for the families.

    Back to the young man in this story - we do not know his background or family. Maybe somewhere in the past he made a decision that this would be a 'deal breaker' for him as it had caused suffering in his family?? We don't know - it may be his addiction? Yes, he handled it terribly but once you make a decision I guess you should be strong enough to go ahead with it. Personally, I agree with Angela's advice on the matter - but isn't judging this young man without more information like holding that stone towards the sinner?

  • Spikey Layton, UT
    April 28, 2014 7:39 a.m.

    I realize this is not going to be a popular comment on the Deseret News, but I am hoping that this will be of some comfort to "The Past" who wrote she had a pornography addiction:

    You do NOT have a pornography "addiction." You cannot become "addicted" to pornography. Addictions require a growing tolerance requiring you to need more and more, and "worse and worse" pornography, and you would have severe withdrawal symptoms, such as the sweats, the shakes, etc. Physiological withdrawals that are dangerous and sometimes require medications and even hospitalization. THERE IS ZERO SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE showing Porn or sex is 'Addicting.'

    That being said, some people do have compulsive behaviors that interrupt their daily life. They may use sex or porn to cope, or as an outlet. Personally, that is BETTER than using drugs or alcohol, and sexuality is healthy. Please get a healthier outlook on your sexuality, and why you were using pornography in the first place. Were you using it to deal with sexual repression? High sexual desire? (everybody is different, some women have stronger sexual needs than men). Please do a search on "porn addiction myth" and you will see the evidence.

  • Classic Mom Grants Pass, OR
    April 28, 2014 7:39 a.m.

    While not impressed with the way the young man handled it, nor do I believe they were really in love...he is wise. It's not about forgiveness and repentance here - it's about making wise lifetime choices in partners. Pornography is an addiction which doesn't go away. Pornography is responsible for 56% of divorces. Pornography is triggered by stress and hard times, which all marriages see plenty of. Pornography is devastating to be married to. We can repent of our poor choices, and be forgiven, but we cannot control the residue and challenges those poor choices leave behind. Once you give in, you will always be more easily hooked into porn even after abstaining and overcoming. Condemning the young man because he didn't want to marry himself to that challenge for the rest of his life is not fair-minded. This young lady needs to find someone who understands it may come back, love her anyway and be willing to struggle through it with her. If it never comes up, awesome, but that isn't usually how it rolls. Both have tried to make it about him, but the true issue is about the young lady.

  • gwenmangelson Rogersville, MO
    April 28, 2014 7:36 a.m.

    he was looking for any excuse that is why he initiated the conversation- you can and will find a better man.

  • booksB4bread cypress, TX
    April 28, 2014 7:35 a.m.

    I've known a few people who married a person addicted to porn (seeking it as a release of stress and as an escape, so it was a real addiction), and their marriages are really hard and their children are suffering. All marriages have some trial, but I don't think we can blame this young man for ending the relationship when he learned porn is a factor. Yes, people can be healed and recover and marriages can be saved. Unless you've been through it or have shouldered the tears of a friend who's been through it, we don't know the heart-ache that results from dealing with a spouse's (or in this case, future-spouse's) porn addiction. Marriages should be completely transparent, so we can say this break up is a good thing for both parties - for her because he may not be able to handle future trials in marriage, and for him because her fidelity may always be in question. The trick is to porn-proof ourselves and our youth. Women For Decency is a group that provides information on protecting yourself, your family and your community from porn.

  • idahojohn Nampa, ID
    April 28, 2014 7:36 a.m.

    The beauty of the atonement is that it covers her issues with pornography. She had no obligation to share her past with him but trusted in him enough to confide in something that she felt he should know now rather than later. Perhaps she thought he would feel as though she had hidden something from him. If he had been through a similar problem with pornography, would he have shared with her? If so, why? If not, why not?

    If we have enough love for another person, we will respect that person's decision to confide in us regarding very personal details such as these. In turn, we will be mature, loving, and forgiving enough to not penalize our potential mate (or current mate if the issue were to come up after marriage) for her/his openness. As was mentioned in another comment, how would the Savior have handled this situation? Emulating him is one of our goals, not easy but desirable, necessary, and beautiful.

  • Stormwalker Cleveland , OH
    April 28, 2014 7:33 a.m.

    My advice: if she marries him this would be the pattern of the relationship. Any transgression of his rules by her would result in emotionally abusive behavior. Furthermore, her honesty about her past would be brought up over and over as proof of his moral superiority in all things.

    I hope she realizes she got out without years of pain and an expensive divorce. I also hope she was able to tell friends and family "I realized he is controlling and was already starting on a path of being emotionally abusive. I was not willing to live with that. In a conversation this week he confirmed his problems with his responses to some things and I broke it off. I can do better."

    Or, a short version: "I took a long look at who he is and who I am and realized I need to make a better choice."

  • jeanie orem, UT
    April 28, 2014 7:26 a.m.

    This will be an issue confronting many couples. Yes, it is worth pausing to consider because porn addiction is not a small matter. I agree with Angela that this woman's former fiance handled the situation poorly and maybe for her sake it's good they did not end up marying.

    If a potential mate has had problems with porn before you dump them get educated. Attend a 12 step meeting. Read about it and about real recovery. Know all the facts you can before you make any decisions. Most importantly, talk to your potential spouse and pray for discernment about their honesty and recovery.

    People who become ensnared in porn are not evil and doomed to failure in life. It is conquerable and those who really have overcome it and have learned how to manage this weakness are worthy of considering.

  • Bill McGee Alpine, UT
    April 28, 2014 7:24 a.m.

    She is better off without him. Clearly he does not understand the part in the Proclamation about equal partnership. Self-righteousness is harder to get over than her having watched some porn, and THAT should be a deal breaker.

    (BTW, we toss the term addiction around a little too easily. It is a clinical diagnosis and most people's behavior does not rise to the level of obsessiveness required. Seeing some pornography is NOT the same as having an addiction.)

  • Moontan Roanoke, VA
    April 28, 2014 7:05 a.m.

    Sounds like this man entered the conversation with his mind made up, looking for an excuse to make the announcement. Rather than 'man up' about his change of mind, he blames the woman. An "Eve made me eat it" type of scenario. Come on, no man in love walks away that easily. This young lady shows more class and maturity in confessing to past struggles than the man can hope to exhibit with that type of behavior. As for the actual confession, there is a lesson, too: past issues that have no present consequences are nobody's business. Leave them in the past and forget them. Whenever a man starts asking his lady about her past, let red flags wave.

  • raybies Layton, UT
    April 28, 2014 6:22 a.m.

    Great advice from Angela. I hope it works out. I don't know if people should divulge every deep dark terrible things that's been in their past to their partners. If it is something that still bothers you, then you should maybe talk with your bishop. In fact, your bishop might be able to talk with both of you, it sounds to me like your fiance' needs to learn about the nature of the Atonement, too.

  • LittleStream Carson City, NV
    April 28, 2014 5:57 a.m.

    Angela is right on in this one! The young man needs to read his scriptures. If Jesus had walked away from the women who was going to be stoned, how different her life would have ended. And Jesus asked who among them was without sin, let him cast the first stone. This young man obviously sees himself as being without sin and is willing to leave this young woman. Jesus also forgave the woman and said go and sin no more. I hope the young woman listens to Jesus's words and lives her life in a way that she will get her temple recommend and have a temple marriage. I don't believe it will be the this young man.