Comments about ‘Ask Angela: Fiance calls off wedding when she opened up about past porn addiction’

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Published: Monday, April 28 2014 10:38 p.m. MDT

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antodav
TAMPA, FL

Wow. How judgmental. She is better off without him. If the Atonement is not good enough in his eyes to cover her past sins, then he wouldn't have made a good priesthood holder or husband anyway.

Moontan
Roanoke, VA

@donn ... With respect to John C Bennett, I'll side with any one of hundreds of recorded comments Mrs Smith made about her husband and her feelings for him.

2close2call
Los Angeles, CA

This is interesting and I have never even heard of a girl having a porn addiction! Is this a Utah thing? Is this just a Mormon thing? I know of drug addicts and alcohol addicts but no porno addicts at all! Addiction has to be something that interferes with normal life like wanting to watch porn instead of going to work or dating the opposite sex.

Please provide proof that this woman had a porno addiction! If not I want to know the real reason this man decided to lie and not marry this girl. I guarantee it had nothing to do with pornography. This boy needed a reason to get out of something he did not want. It is amazing how people will make things up when the real reason is much more simple that they do not like the person like they thought they did and therefore do not want to get married.

Judith D.
Los Angeles, CA

In my opinion, she was very lucky. Though I am not discounting her problem, his was the much greater sin in my opinion. The idea that he would discard someone he loved soul for something in her past is disgusting and morally reprehensble. I hope she finds someone who loves her for who she is, and I also hope he never marries. No one will ever be good enough for him.

Brent T. Aurora CO
Aurora, CO

"People should be entitled to their own choice and set of standards in their marriage." Spot on Kardon.

We've recently dealt with in this column people perhaps having too high expectations/standards/a list in marrying. But in the end, it is our right by way of our free agency to make a wise choice in who we marry. Our choice. There are deal breakers. If one is honest with themselves, knowing themselves and what they can handle and what they cannot... this is wise. As others have suggested here, he may have had past experiences where he's seen this and knows he wouldn't deal with it. It is also possible his patriarchal blessing is explicit about certain things (mine was) in choosing a mate. Maybe, as some have suggested, he was looking for an excuse for other reasons.

Doesn't matter. His choice. Her choice. And both have to agree. And both didn't.

There reason for good hope that she'll find the right guy for her. And she should be honest pre-marriage, next time.

RosaMaria
Laie, HI

I agree that this girl was brave to open her heart to him. This young man also have the right to have expectations of the kind of girl she wants to marry. I believe we don't have the whole story, so we shouldn't be judging him. Pornography addiction is not a simple thing. Jesus was able to forgive the adulterous woman but he was Jesus.

ClaraHL
Germany, 00

I think it was definitely good that you talked with him about that. If you guys were going to marry, it is important that you trust each other and that you can talk openly about these things. I really admire you for your courage to say it, because I know its not easy.
But his reaction shows you a lot about him; and we all make mistakes, but he had time to think and it looks like he didnt want to apologize for his attitude.
The fact that you repented of this porn addiction and your attitude towards it, and that you wanted to talk about it and have no secrets is really admirable. You deserve someone who loves you and who is able to share your future with his. And I think if he cant accept your past, he wont be able to share your future together in the way you deserve.
I know this is the worst thing to hear but I also know that its completely true: Your soulmate is still out there looking for you. Dont let him go! Go out, know new people, and be happy!

Ricardo Carvalho
Provo, UT

Lots of judgment here. What concerns me most is what appears to be a fundamental misunderstanding of the atonement. Yes, the atonement can make one free from sin but it does not always make one free from the consequences of sin. I have known several who were addicted who repented of sin, were right with God and the LDS church but who later returned to their former addiction causing significant challenges in their relationships with family members and others. Addiction can and does return in many instances. It seems to me that the young man in this case had a kind of "right" to understand the risks in marrying the young lady so that he could make an informed decision regarding the risk. Is the young lady free from sin? Yes, she is having repented. Is there a possibility that the former sin might return? Yes. Should this factor into the marital decision? Yes. Did it need to be a deal breaker? Not for me to judge. The young man needs to know his own capacity for dealing with uncertainty and risk. He may not be up to that challenge. Certainly, he could have communicated in a more loving way.

eastcoastcoug
Danbury, CT

I'm totally with Angela on this one. And I can't believe the commenters who said the young man was right. It's not that pornography isn't a serious issue, but how he handled it with her that gives me pause. Which is worse - pornography or an unforgiving heart that is quick to anger at others' mistakes? I think the young woman has dodged a huge bullet and I pity any woman who marries this guy.

Cinci Man
FT MITCHELL, KY

None of us is who will one day become. Jesus would not treat this girl in this way. Who does her fiancee think he is to view her less than Jesus does? If he ever decides to come unto Christ, he might be a good catch. But in this case, she is the ultimate winner. Run, girl. You are so lucky this didn't go further.

M. Butler
Brooklyn, NY

I would tell her not to *lie* in her bed crying. Or fire the DN editors.

mhenshaw
Leesburg, VA

We have no right pronounce unclean what the Lord has pronounced clean.

neltz
Farmington, UT

The greatest kind of love sees all,
and is not undone
The truest joy in life is to be loved
When there's nothing left to hide

To both: keep seeking that kind of love.

Julie gluten free mother
SALT LAKE CITY, UT

Since the fiance' was able to end things so abruptly I would say there wasn't much depth to the relationship. Someone who really loves another person would have to take time to think about the issue before deciding it was something they couldn't deal with. I am willing to bet the day will come this girl will be grateful she didn't marry this guy when she meets the man she eventually marries. I know I am grateful beyond words I didn't marry the first person I thought I wanted to. My husband was worth waiting for.

neltz
Farmington, UT

My advice for this young woman - please be very careful as you choose your spouse, and especially in light of the past addiction. I hope you can find someone who is. 1. Very strong against pornography temptation (which, by the way, does not mean ALL girls should run from them...). 2. Able to be a strength and a support to help you withstand this temptation throughout your life.

Even worse than marrying someone who can't forgive and support you would be to marry someone who drags you toward pornography and encourages you to watch it with him - I can only imagine how difficult it would be to achieve pure and love-enhancing intimacy in that sort of marriage. So I think this conversation is important to have with your intended - find out if your perspective husband is tempted by pornography, absolutely! (hopefully he will be honest) - and find out how he will respond toward you or your kids toward your own struggles. There are men out there who will be perfect for you, mad many, many who will not.

Moontan
Roanoke, VA

@Red Corvette... In a thread about a requirement or not of confessing forgiven/forgotten sins to a potential spouse, I mention pity for the unfortunate (I'm single) who will have to suffer through my history pre-LDS, if such a confession is necessary (I pray not). Somehow brother donn connects that with yet another criticism of Joseph, based upon a second-hand statement from an alleged 'best friend'. Ignoring the validity of that description (best friends don't air another's laundry for the world to see), or how that comment relates to the poor girl who will have to listen to my colorful tales, I mention it would be best to rely on his wife's views of him and their marriage -- the point being donn's criticism of Joseph is diffused one more time. Is Joseph open to criticism? Yes, of course. Because of Bennett's statement? No.

Re your Bill and Hilary question... Another shaky comparison, but she stood by him while acknowledging his sins. I think perhaps Emma would have acknowledge her husband's sins, too. Since she did not - re donn's post - I think that is very telling.

Juliemom5
Kearns, UT

I am shocked at how many people are criticizing the young man in this story. Angela even said that "there is more to the story" and we dont' know what all that entails. Those of us who have been married to people with pornography addiction know the hell it puts you and your family through. We don't know what other problems this couple may have experienced already, due to her previous addictions, and although it is true that the Atonement can afford forgiveness, it cannot remove the consequences of this serious sin, including that someone you want to marry might not want to risk marrying you.

eaglerun
Midvale, UT

Classic Mom, Wow! How did he fall in love with her in the first place? It wasn't someone he just started dating and then decided to dump because it wasn't right. You would think that if he asked her to marry him there were other things that brought him to that point, now those are gone? Good luck finding that perfect person that doesn't have any problems. I would be just as worried that this person would dump someone before even talking about it. That is the way the world thinks though, if it doesn't work easy, find a new one!

kclady53
Baton Rouge, LA

I'd say this was one lucky girl that dodged a bullet. Keep looking, honey. The right one is out there and you deserve him.

terra nova
Park City, UT

What if she was addicted to prescription drugs... and gave them up?

What if she was addicted to alcohol... and gave up drinking?

What if she was addicted to nicotine... and gave up smoking?

Would the story change?

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