Comments about ‘Ask Angela: Fiance calls off wedding when she opened up about past porn addiction’

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Published: Monday, April 28 2014 10:38 p.m. MDT

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RedShirt
USS Enterprise, UT

The letter left out some key details that would be great in Angela could find out. Has this young woman who admitted to a past porn addiction done anything to overcome the addiction, or did she just work it out on her own.

I would be concerned if she just tried to work it out on her own becuase of the risk of returning to that behavior. If she received the appropriate treatment and has learned good coping skills to avoid returning to porn, then that is quite a bit different.

Plus, how recent was the past addiction? Last month, last year, 10 years ago? Details like that would help to better understand her situation.

The basic question is how likely is she to go back to the bad behavior? If it has been a young man who was addicted to drugs, wouldn't we expect him to go through a treatment before telling a young lady that he is prepared for marriage?

RMburk
Provo, UT

Is there anyone on this planet who has never been weak, who has never done something wrong to others? I dont know of any!! We are all beggars to Christ and as time passes we must overcome the our past through trusting Christ and our future. Whether this man rejects you or not, YOU have not been rejected. God could not be more proud of you for your courageous decision to show your weaknesses and move forward, with the hope that little by little you will become a little more like Christ. I hope you can remember that. God is proud of you and does not even remember what you did in the past. You will find the man that loves you even with all the rough edges we all have and you will look back on the experience you have passed through and tearfully thank God that He loved you enough to allow this experience to pass through your life. Good Luck! we love you

JayTee
Sandy, UT

She's very fortunate that this inadvertent litmus test was applied relatively early in the game. If he dropped the ball and headed for the door on something like this, imagine what he'd be likely to do if something really serious happened to unbalance things financially, physically, socially, or psychologically in the marriage. Now she can concentrate on positive things and positive people, and hope that next time she gets involved with someone, it'll be a situation where the love is mutual.

AerilusMaximus
Berryville, VA

Sounds like a win-win scenario to me. The Woman in the story gets to start over and look for a man that is mature enough to work through problems and the man gets to start over and look for a woman that meets his standards.

It is a lot better than going through an awful marriage that ends in divorce.

amagnetick
AV, CA

I find it curious that so many are able to judge when they have so little information to go on. I truly hope that you all don't normally act like this in your day to day life. If you do, you must have a hard time getting along. I also find it suspicious that someone would actually air this out in public. Not something I would want out there, even if it is supposed to be "anonymous".

crimendelsiglo
Spanish Fork, UT

PAST's story tells one side only; majority of comments seem to be against the fiance (male)

PAST quotes the fiance as saying, "i was afraid you'd say something like that." interesting that was his response to her admission; what made him apprehensive, suspicious ?

how serious was her "addiction": duration, frequency, alone or with a(nother) partner?

i'm not convinced that PAST is a fiancee (female); "she" doesn't imply she is woman. in today's society and conditioning, we are left to assume too much regarding their relationship: she said, he said

way too much blame on the man: not reading his scriptures, lack of faith and forgiveness and other "sins". Jesus forgave the woman caught in the act [of adultry,] fiance should also, and i hope he will. he was abrupt; she confessed abruptly. he responded. this kind of "addiction" is not easy. he should be allowed time to heal from his disappointment and go on with the life he chooses. you will notice that Jesus forgave the adulteress, but he didn't marry her

Charityalways
Centerville, UT

She's way better off without him. This seems like one of the worst examples of making uncompromising standards more important than forgiveness and charity. Blessedly, the Lord operates the opposite way. All you need are faith, repentance, and the saving ordinances with Him. And everybody will have that chance, even the overly judgmental former fiancé if he ever figures it out.

joe5
South Jordan, UT

I wonder how people would respond if it was the man who had a past porn addiction instead of the woman.

rickdoctor
Chandler, AZ

First: I don't believe porn should be referred to as an 'addiction' either.
Second: However, I believe it can be a serious relationship harm
Third: She said it was in the past -- done. So what would this self-righteous man do with 'past' sexual sins, drug abuse, depression treatment, criminal behavior -- all 'past'? Is there anything that he can 'forgive'? Does he even believe in 'forgiveness'?
Fourth: Perhaps he is hiding something himself, since he jumped up without having to answer the question, at the first excuse to bail out -- I think there is a real possibility that he cannot handle his own past, so he had to get out of there at the first sign that she was a past sinner -- sort of like ALL OF US!!!
Fifth: Hopefully she will see better in the next relationship when there is an unforgiving person on the other side -- makes for a really difficult time, when one partner cannot forgive -- change that to impossible time, it will never work.

dotp
POTEAU, OK

This young lady actually may not realize she has "dodged a bullet" of sorts. If her young man is looking for someone who has never made a mistake, he will be searching for a long time. It appears he was looking for an excuse anyway, and he found one. Stop eating your heart out over him and be grateful you DIDN'T get saddled with someone who would be so hypercritical of your every action that you walked on egg shells until you finally gave up in frustration and fear. He would have found a reason sooner or later. Be glad it was BEFORE you married him. Now you are free to look for someone who will love ALL of you, "warts and all" so to speak. Marriage is far more than just two people living in the same household. It has to be based on deep trust or it can't survive. Pray for Heavenly Father to send you the RIGHT man this time.

name_withheld
Cedar Hills, UT

I obviously don't know about the young man in question, but my comments had nothing to do with forgiveness. They were about being aware of potential problems going into a marriage. I can tell you from experience that certain kinds of baggage (whether forgiven or not) will eventually manifest themselves, and if one party is not going to be able to deal with it when it does, isn't it better to know upfront?

kiddoc
Bountiful, UT

Whatever it was that you two shared, it wasn't love. Be glad he is gone! He isn't worth a plug nickel.

CASteinman
San Diego, CA

I am so sorry that she has had this experience. I am so sorry her heart was broken.

But its a good thing and in time she will see that. She dodged a bullet. This man has somehow been very dishonest with her. I don't know exactly how, but there is a dishonesty in this. Either HE had a similar addiction and was afraid to be associated with someone who had the same weakness, or he is extremely insecure or he was looking for an excuse to break off the engagement.

There are good reasons and there are real reasons -- they don't always match up.

His behavior reeks of a serious problem HE has. So, after a suitable amount of time to grieve -- pick up and move on -- happy to be rid of this person who was going to be a problem over time. If I were your dad -- I would be SO HAPPY right now.

Mormonmama0106
Phoenix, AZ

He was so quick to call the relationship quits without even hearing her out, it makes me wonder if he was looking for a way out anyway. She's better off without him.

DennisJ
SLC, UT

I am appalled at this guy's lack of willingness to discuss issues. Having had a couple broken engagements myself, I have learned that clear communication is the only way to true happiness in a relationship. I've also learned that "deal-breakers" leave no room for humanity. Homeboy needs a reality check; he won't stay married long, if this is how he treats significant others.

momeasylove
provo, UT

Hi I am very sadden about your relatetionship and what happened. I think that he is not much of a man to just walk away and not even take time to talk and go over things with you. He does not remember that there is only one person that does the judging of people lives and he is not here so what does that tell you. My heart is very sadden for you God bless you and your life and your future thanks.

jfarker
Temecula, CA

This conversation should have taken place BEFORE they got engaged. Forgiveness is just as important to healthy relationships as love and trust. I think she dodged a bullet.

heidis
Hines, OR

I think he was not as in love with her as she was with him and was looking for an out. She handed him one -- and perhaps he, too, has the same addiction and did not want to admit it. She is better off knowing how he handles imperfection in others. Let him go. He's not worth your tears.

tabuno
Clearfield, UT

Wow. Your fiance seems to have really botched this wonderful relationship. I can't imagine that any male would pass up an opportunity to have a relationship with a female that delved into sexuality like you have. Perhaps, he was threatened that he wouldn't be able to meet the fantasy ideals that you used to dream about. Your fiance may have had doubts about his own sexuality and the extent of your commitment to him (which though seems to be beyond doubt). His loss. I don't see anything wrong with what you did.

Back Talk
Federal Way, WA

I can see and understand the points of view from both sides that people have expressed. The problem is we dont have enuough information to make an informed judgement.

I have never understood why some people feel the need to confess all past sins to a finance. You didnt cheat on him or her. Leting your past stay there is not keeping a secret unless you think it will affect your future. If it is a current issue, then that would be different. Do people really want to conduct full background checks that include sexual activity?

I like the idea of discussing attitudes about money, sex(as much as you can), and parenting etc but that doesnt involve reopening wounds that are hopefully healed.

Good luck to you.

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