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Comments about ‘Ask Angela: Fiance calls off wedding when she opened up about past porn addiction’

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Published: Monday, April 28 2014 10:38 p.m. MDT

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name_withheld
Cedar Hills, UT

Sharing problems - even those believed to be in the past, and especially sexual ones, because they will affect that area of your marriage in one way or another - is vital to starting out a good marriage.

The man was wrong in how he handled things, but if he didn't feel he could deal with the possibility of relapses in their marriage, breaking things off was the right thing for him to do. A person who has had problems with pornography needs a spouse who understands and is willing to support them in their recovery, regardless of whether it's thought to be in the past or not. A recovered addict is still always just a few steps away from a relapse.

And yes, it is an addiction. The chemicals released in the brain while acting out are the same as those provided by drugs.

It is possible to still have a good marriage when one or both partners have had pornography problems, but both partners need to be fully aware and on board.

PMark
Tomball, TX

He was "terrified" that she might not be perfect? "Terrified"!?!

If I were to guess, I would say that it sounds like what he really was "terrified" of was marriage. Let's face it, marriage can be a very frighting proposition. When she revealed her past problem, it allowed his fears to take over. Instead of controlling his fears, he let his fears control him. Think of him as Julia Roberts in "The Runaway Bride".

Hopefully someday he will no longer be "terrified" of marriage and be able to tie the knot with some worthy young woman. Who knows? It might even be her. But for now, she is free to get on with her life without him.

Kardon
Saratoga Springs, UT

From the story it appears the young man had reason to believe that there was an issue with porn before the lady admitted to it. This indicates that the porn addiction may not be resolved or left behind. There is simply not enough detail given here for anyone outside of this situation to judge.

Porn addiction is real, however, and the stories of those caught up in it cannot be explained away as much as some would try to deny it. To read these stories, google "yourbrainonporn internet porn addiction".

I wonder also if the roles were reversed - if the man were the one with the porn addiction - how willing would we all be to tell the young lady to forgive and forget and go ahead and marry into that situation? Or if the lady had a problem with past alcohol abuse, or gambling, or a very bad credit history? All of these can have devastating effects on relationships. Frankly, I believe if people were more cautious about who they marry, we would have less instances of divorce.

People should be entitled to their own choice and set of standards in their marriage.

mauister
Wailuku, HI

Did Angela change the characters, flipping the male for the female? I have never heard of a female having a porn addiction. It's just not something that generally interests women that much.

mauister
Wailuku, HI

The dumped former porn addict is lucky she got rid of this nut before marriage. The guy is not marriage material for anyone that actually lives or has ever lived. His rigid thinking might be based in some strange emotional pathological hyper-sensitivity and he should never marry and would be better suited to monastic living.

Anonymous100
Anywhere, UT

Marriage is hard, period. I've been married for nearly 30 years. It hasn't been a perfect marriage, no marriage is, but we have been and are committed to God, to each other and to our family. So while it hasn't been perfect, it has, for the most part, been happy. And it's gotten better and easier as time has gone by because we have grown together through the trials of life.

This young lady has or had a problem that the young man could not deal with. That's fine. There is someone for her who will love her, support her and help her in every way she needs. She'll get through and past this. Good luck to both of them. Oh, and it is never appropriate to end a relationship through a phone or a computer. Have the guts to talk face-to-face.

buckbeaver
Lake Forest, CA

Young people today will be hard pressed to find that so-called perfect mate, as more and more will have skeletons in the closet whether it be porn, depression,physical handicaps, etc.
Sure, everyone wants the perfect mate but people seem to forget that marriage is a journey,not a destination. Better to have a spouse one is willing to grow with, than a "perfect" mate that has no room for growth.

Maureen Fepuleai
New Zealand, 00

Open up to your family or most trusted friend because you need to feel loved and supported by those who truly accept and love you for who you are 💕HUGS💕
Your heart may feel broken now but in time, you will forgive him and be ready to move on with no bitterness or self-recrimination - stronger for the experience.

kimnprovo
Orem, UT

I support the gentleman for his decision. I do not; however, support his way of delivering the message. I personally know how difficult it is to call off and engagement, but if you remember that you love(d) the person you should want to handle it in a more mature manner.

I applaud the young lady for her honesty. I know this has hurt you, but as easy as it is to do you should not take it personally. We cannot control the thoughts and feelings of others. While he made his known in a very immature way, his feelings are very real to him. He is unwilling to be married to someone with a history of pornography abuse. That doesn't mean he doesn't/didn't love you, but it is clear by his words that he made a promise to himself what he would and would not accept in a wife.

Email breakup removed and I cannot fault him.

nanniehu
Tooele, UT

It sounds as if neither person understands what repentance means. First off, if you have truly repented of a sin or transgression you have been forgiven by the Savior. You don't need anyone else to validate that. Let it go. Secondly, yes she dodged the bullet on this one, as he would have been using her past to control their future together. He obviously doesn't understand the idea of forgiveness and has an over inflated notion of his own purity and goodness. I hope she can move on and learn from this. Too often women feel the need to tell all. It isn't necessary, unless you still have a problem you are working on.

sanpaco
Sandy, UT

Absolutely not the wrong decision. If he can't deal with the fact that you're not perfect then you wouldn't have been happy with him. You need someone who realizes nobody is perfect but is willing to work with you and your weaknesses just as you are willing to work with him and his. This seems to be a huge problem in the church where people hear the message to "shun pornography" and interpret it as "shun those who are addicted to pornography".

windsor
City, Ut

brainoncapitalist said: "To anybody who thinks that pornography addiction isn't real, you are either ignorant or are trying to justify your own use of pornography."

SO True.

The ONLY people who stand up for, and stick up for, and support and invoke the "free speech" Amendment and decry that porn is not harmful or addictive or that it can ruin lives and relationships are either those who absolutely have no idea what they are talking about.
Or are justifying their own use of porn.

windsor
City, Ut

name_withheld
Cedar Hills, UT

"Sharing problems - even those believed to be in the past, and especially sexual ones, because they will affect that area of your marriage in one way or another - is vital to starting out a good marriage."

Wrong.Wrong.

Anything truly repented of and gotten over in the past is not brought up with successive ecclesiastical leaders, or bosses, or friends, or parents, or anyone-- including a potential spouse.
If it has been repented of completely and correctly, it is between you and the Lord only.

What good is repenting and laying that on the Savior if you are going to drag it out and heap it and its carnage upon your fiance or yourself or your relationship? Don't you know what satan will do with that in the future? Talk about doubts and distrust of a spouse, fueled by he who's every intention is to ruin your marriage....

IF however, you have NOT repented fully, completely, and correctly and have a completely changed heart about your problem, you need to do so before even remotely thinking of joining your life with someone in marriage.

farmingtonhousewife
Farmington, UT

Let he who is without guilt - cast the first stone - he is probably quilty of it himself. Not man enough to discuss it with her and to write her an email? Shame on him.

steeroper
SACRAMENTO, CA

It's always sad when someone who claims to understand the gospel can't see that the Savior already took care of this & to Him, she's clean. If the girl is able to get her Temple Recommend, it's forgotten.

Idaho_Boy
Aberdeen, ID

I appreciate all of the comments that have been written. I realize there is always more to the story than can be detailed in a couple of paragraphs and we only have one side of the story. However to me it looks like this young man got cold feet and was looking for any kind of deal breaker and certainly found one and also found a way to have the young woman blame herself for the break up.

As far as the other conversation is porn addictive, of course it is. Does everyone that has viewed porn going to become a serial rapist and rapist/killer? No of course not. However you will find porn in the computers/homes of everyone of these individuals. Just like some people can drink alcohol and have no problems, for others it starts them on a path that leads them down where no one wants to go.

In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus said that thinking about doing something wrong is a sin. We will be judged for both our thoughts and our deeds, because our thoughts become our deeds.

God bless this young woman and the young man as well.

Moontan
Roanoke, VA

name_withheld
Cedar Hills, UT .... I agree with Windsor. A past repented of and forgotten by God needs no revisiting. He expects us to forget it, too. We can't do that if we must relive it to potential spouses.

If not, my goose it cooked. I converted at 44. If I'm expected to explain my life prior to then, I feel sorry for a potential mate. The poor lady will require sedatives. No, I say leave a buried past buried.

Well, one exception: a criminal history should be explained (which I don't have, thank you). But not much else, if anything.

Dr Reid
Beverly Hills, CA

I’ve worked with hundreds of patients with pornography problems, have authored books on this topic, and am recognized as a national expert on this issue. I had mixed reactions to this story. Others have correctly noted that “pornography addiction” is not a sanctioned “addictive disorder.” Nevertheless, I still work with patients with pornography problems. Many women have ended relationships with my patients over this issue and this man was equally entitled to dissolve his relationship. He could have been more diplomatic as others have noted. I don’t wonder why this was a “deal breaker” but whether he had enough accurate insight to make an informed decision. Does he really understand what this issue is about? It’s not about sex anymore than a gambling disorder is about money or an eating disorder is about food. Young man, if you read this, get in touch with me and I’ll give you an hour of my time to answer any questions, address your fears, and help you understand this issue on a deeper level. I’m indifferent about your choice regarding your engagement.

Dr. Rory Reid
UCLA Department of Psychiatry

Stormwalker
Cleveland , OH

Dr Reid.

Color me impressed.

Thank you for your comments, and for the offer you made to the young man.

I might add, this young woman seems to have been greatly harmed by the man's reaction. Perhaps you could also spare her an hour and a referral.

Either way, again, thank you.

stampingmynn
Derby, KS

I think that we are all being a little bit harsh on the fiance here. Did he handle this poorly? Yes. But here is my opinion--all hard questions need to be asked BEFORE an engagement. If he knew that he was unable to marry someone with this past problem, that is fine and his decision, but the questions should be asked BEFORE engagement. I did, and it has blessed my eternal marriage immensely to start on a firm foundation. It is time to teach our children to ask these questions as they are dating and to be serious about what we can and cannot forgive or live with. Not everyone can live with someone who has had a pornography addiction. That doesn't make them BAD, it makes them human. At least he had seriously considered this and made a decision before hand. Since we don't have his side of the story, we need to stop pointing fingers, look inward, and learn from this. Always ask BEFORE.

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