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Comments about ‘Ask Angela: Fiance calls off wedding when she opened up about past porn addiction’

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Published: Monday, April 28 2014 10:38 p.m. MDT

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Spikey
Layton, UT

I wanted to add a little more to "The Past" in hopes this will help her:

Do not let anybody lay any kind of pathologize you! You are a beautiful person inside and out. I know this because you are one of God's children. I have done some research on this topic (Porn addiction) and you will be fine, don't let anybody judge your sexuality. It is yours, and everybody handles their challenges differently. It is only because of the culture in which we live, which has a sex-negative view. FACT: Porn addiction is NOT found in psychology's DSM V, (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) it is not a true diagnosable problem. Don't listen to the media hype about "porn addiction." It is bogus. For the record, I am NOT an advocate for porn, but the media promulgates this problem and pathologizing people just makes the problem worse. You will be OK, kick Mr. Email to the curb and find a man better suited to your needs. ((hugs))

Roundtrip
Thomasville, GA

I doubt that your fiancé is without flaws of his own, he just didn't open up. When you ask God for forgiveness, he forgets those sins. They are as if they never happened. Your fiancé needs to read his scriptures. If your fiancé were to come back, he would probably throw this issue up in your face every time he got angry and try to make you feel terrible for the rest of that marriage. I agree with some other readers...it appears that Mr. Wrong did you a favor by moving on. I know you are broken hearted now, but it will pass.

brainoncapitalist
Orem, UT

From my experience as a recovering addict and sponsoring addicts, I have come to believe that an addict who is truly in recovery has more understanding of the atonement and how to access its life-changing power than most people who never have to learn to overcome something so devastating in their lives. They understand that they are powerless over their addictions (and, let's be honest, everybody is addicted to sinning, right?) and that they absolutely must turn over their lives to the Savior if they want to overcome.

To anybody who thinks that pornography addiction isn't real, you are either ignorant or are trying to justify your own use of pornography. Pornography addiction is absolutely real and those of us who are addicted know this because, despite having horrible consequences deriving from our use of pornography, we absolutely cannot stop using it, at least not for very long. That is, unless we completely surrender it to the Lord.

Red Smith
American Fork, UT

Matters of the heart are not known by others. There really is no advice from others that work here.

airnaut
Everett, 00

I agree with many other comments.
This was the tip of a HUGE iceberg,
and bigger problems with him would have been sure to follow.

As a Priesthood holder, he is supposed to be Christ-like.

That is NOT how Christ would have handled it.

He might know the "rules" of sin,
but he most certainly has no clue about the Atonement.

Too bad, because denying the Atonoment is literally mocking Jesus the Christ.

She's better off without him.

caf
Bountiful, UT

Wow. I finally don't agree with Angela on this one. Well, I do and I don't. A porn addiction IS a deal breaker. She was right to tell her fiancé about it. The right young man for her will have his own addiction issue or be willing to marry her knowing that she may have re-accuring issues with porn for the rest of her life. At least that is what I have come to know, personally, about men who deal with the addiction. The person with an addiction problem has no clue the extent of the pain and heartache that the spouse must deal with. If you are already married, try to hang in there. As this couple was not yet married, good for him. Marriage is tough enough without a devastating addiction to deal with. We all need repentance but some of the choices we make could affect us for the rest of our lives.

jeanie
orem, UT

I agree with Hoss817 that if an addiction recovery is less than 3 years old - take you time - observe how your intended manages life, then make your decision with your eyes wide open accepting that it may resurface, even while hoping it doesn't. If this is not a concern you want it's ok to move on. However, understand that there are risks no matter who you marry and no-one comes risk free, not even you.

To those who believe that sexual addiction is not real, I'm not sure what studies you are reading but you are wrong. Having known individuals with both drug and sexual addictions they have stated the sexual addictions were harder to overcome.

heidi ho
Fort Collins, CO

I have been married to someone that was addicted to porn all through our marriage. It has been incredibly difficult and painful, although it has forced me to really dig deep and grow in my own life in ways I would never have grown before and I am a much more healed than I ever was before I got married. Pornography is an addiction and it is tied to sexaholism which is one of the fastest growing addictions. I have been in S-Anon (co-addicts to sexaholism) for 12 years and been dealing with this illness in our family in so many ways. I have been to many international conventions and state conventions and heard many devastating stories. Pornography addiction doesn't just go away, ever. It will always be a hook and a temptation. I think he did the right thing in this story and I wish I had known before I was married what I know now. However I would never have grown in ways that have me centered on the Lord, willing to look at my own resentments and selfishness, and able to help a lot of other women that are struggling with the same issues.

jimhale
Eugene, OR

Given the day and generation, this is all too common....though one would like to think it is more common with the genders reversed.

It is highly likely....let me say that again.....it is highly likely... that upon hearing her frank and honest expression of how bad she felt about this past but overcome problem, he looked at himself and suddenly realized that, if he also told the truth, he would have to divulge his own involvement with this issue.....past or continuing. He may have concluded that he was not up to reciprocal honesty or equivalent repentance.

The writer is better off to find out now that he values his own expectations more than he values sincerity and honesty....and repentance in others.

Pablito
South Jordan, UT

@Spikey: Addiction is characterized as the inability to consistently Abstain, Impairment in Behavioral control, Craving, etc. If you can't abstain, are craving and it controls you, YOU ARE ADDICTED TO PORN! My son is addicted. He attends the 12-step program for it. He doesn't want to do it but sometimes falls back into it. It gives him comfort when he's having a tough time. Yes there are other things he could do but he found this, liked it and now uses it. We are working with him on it and things are improving.

Now, "The Past" has had issues in the past that she recognized as 'addicting'. I'm sure it was tough to bring it up as my wife did the same to me before we married. She told me things that completely surprised me but she went through the proper repentance processes and I would be wrong to hold it against her. Yea I had to think about it and work it out in my mind. Who am I to say she isn't a good person? I have my own weaknesses. Once I'm perfect, I can judge her harsher. But until then....

KinCO
Fort Collins, CO

Perhaps I'm very sensitive to this topic because my daughter's temple marriage just ended because of her husband's porn addiction. She knew about it before they married, was assured that it was in the past, and he did stay away from porn for the first year or so of their marriage. Then great stress came into his life, he returned to porn (hid it from her), and within a matter of a few months, he left the church ("makes me feel guilty") and began an affair with a fellow grad student (not LDS, no aversion to porn). This was a couple who knew each other very well--dated for over two years, shared everything, had spent a great deal of time with each other's families, had been through other life challenges, but when he succumbed again to porn and had to find a way to justify his behavior to himself, it all fell apart.

The fiance handled the situation badly, but I understand his decision. Maybe someone close to him has had the same experience as my daughter. It has been completely devastating and it will take her a long time to heal and trust again.

DrGroovey
Salt Lake City, UT

Wow, I can't believe how judgmental these posts seem to be of boyfriend here, especially considering we were given no information about him at all. I know several couples who have had their marriages destroyed by pornography. One of my close friends watched his parents have a terrible marriage that eventually ended mainly due to pornography. People who have seen the devastating effects up close are wise to be wary of marriage to someone who has a history of pornography. For all we know, this lady's fiance has seen the effects close up and has decided he is not willing to gamble his eternal future on a relationship that has any connection to pornography at all. That may appear selfish on his part, but it may also be the wise and honest thing for him to do based on his experience.

sjames
AMERICAN FORK, UT

This guy has the completely wrong attitude. If he was ready to make the commitment of becoming engaged, he should have already learned that from you and/or been comfortable dealing with your own past issues, just as you will be dealing with his.
I think that in some cases, certain people carry more "baggage" from the past than their spouses. However, if the couple is determined to make the family and the gospel the center of their lives, then nothing from the past can stop them.

Brahmabull
sandy, ut

caf

Do you not get the part where it was a past porn addiction? It wasn't a current one. If everybody said that was a deal breaker if you were ever addicted to porn, I doubt many women would be married.

To those saying that he needs to read the scriptures... That rarely helps in real life situations, especially since we don't know the extent of their religious beliefs. 'Read the scriptures' doesn't really apply.

Dante
Salt Lake City, UT

Girlfriend, you dodged a bullet. Count your blessings. He didn't love you for who you are. He was evaluating you on the basis of his personal rating scale, looking more for a trophy than a partner. He's entitled to do that, but you're entitled to draw your own conclusions about just how immature and self-centered he is.

The scale of wrongfulness or potential harm over a past porn problem can fluctuate broadly. Lumping everyone into one big "sinner's box" is short-sighted and unhelpful. Don't beat yourself up over this problem. Your past problem doesn't diminish your value as a marriage partner. For men or women, spending your life married to a "pure" but sexually repressed partner is no picnic either.

Deliriousdd
Benicia, CA

I am remembering the scripture in the doctrine and Covenants that says that if we do not forgive, we are guilty of the greater sin.

Nolan
Idaho Falls, ID

The thing that I find interesting is that the young man wants to marry someone who is opposed to pornography. Those who tend to have the greatest hatred for this sin are those who are recovering addicts. So in essence he found what he wants in a relationship, but has not given the young lady a chance to explain her feelings on the matter. All marriage relationships need the atonement, I see it as a chance for it to be applied. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities...

I wonder if this young man has some friends/family that have had their relationships destroyed by this addiction. I think that would explain some of his motivations to me. Definitely poorly handled on his part. If he is unwilling to at least hear her side of the story without jumping to conclusions about the depth of her feelings I'd say she's better off.

oddman
,

Re: Spikey

Wrong my friend, there is definite evidence that pornography can be addictive. Study it and you will discover that the same endorphins brought on by heroin occur when one begins to become aroused from viewing pornography. If it is something that you cannot control and are compelled to engage in you might well be addicted. And there is recovery from any addiction but it requires commitment and some real honest to goodness effort.

I believe the man who walked away was finally given the easy out that he wanted.

wehage65
BURKE, VA

Dear Girl, I think you dodged a bullet there! If you can't be 100% honest with your spouse something is just wrong. Not that you should be required to bare or tell all, just that you should be SAFE in doing so, with your former fiancé you were not safe, he would not have been a good keeper of your heart. His loss! If you are right with the Lord, that's all that matters. Wait for a good one, don't settle, and don't go back to him if he does have a change of heart, he has issues dealing with disappointment, trials and struggles, not to mention communication! He needs to mature a great deal before he's a candidate for marriage.

terra nova
Park City, UT

Many have condemned the young man. They have a point. It certainly seems he could have been kinder, gentler and much more Christlike. But if we judge him based on a few lines in an email, are we acting like him?

Regarding the young woman suffering (or any who suffer like her): Give yourself time and permission to grieve. The pain is real. Grief is a real and valuable part of the healing process. The depths of grief is a measure of our capacity to love. People who love deeply are worth a great deal. But love always passes through grief. It is its nature to find a new object to help, bless and contribute to. It passes through loss and refocuses on new situations and people and rebuilds... just as God does with us.

The terrible tragedy of this situation is that the apparently pious and judgmental young man's reaction precludes much growth. But the young woman may blossom into a remarkable, strong, wise and compassionate person. What a blessing! She has nothing but grace and powerful tides of good flowing to her. He may have severely damaged his chances to grow and progress.

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