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Comments about ‘Ask Angela: With so few choices, should I just marry him?’

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Published: Monday, April 14 2014 7:26 p.m. MDT

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RickChappell
Phoenix, AZ

I'm not going to suggest to get married or not get married. I do want to explore some things, though. I'd really like to know what CL meant by so-so husband. I'm not sure I disagree that that statement is a sign of disrespect. I think it's key that CL define what she thinks would be a good husband, and then evaluate that list sincerely. Regardless of who the man she is thinking about.
One of the biggest challenges in relationships today is that completely false concept of romantic love - it was completely created by romance novelists and greeting card companies in the late nineteenth century. It has done more damage to families than any other concept. Love is not something we fall in or out of. It is the result of our actions - as we act in love to others, the feeling follows that. That's the concept behind the Gordon Kimball quote from voiceofreason1234.
The real questions are:
Are your expectations of a husband reasonable?
What kind of man is he?
Sincerely and prayerfully answer these questions, and then compare the two. Then make a decision and commit to it.

JoeBlow
Far East USA, SC

Are all dates an interview process?

Maybe I was doing it wrong in the eyes of some, but I dated lots of women knowing that I had no intention of marrying them. (or them, me)

Schnee
Salt Lake City, UT

@MaxxFordham
By "not marrying him" I meant "not marrying now", not eliminating potentially doing so down the road. Sorry for the confusion.

cougarfan03
Bountiful, UT

I listened to a talk by John Bytheway once called "What I Wish I Knew When I Was Single." His list (that I completely agree with) in order from best to worst was:

1.Happily Married.
2.Happily Single.
3.Unhappily Single.
4.Unhappily Married.

vangroovin
West Jordan, UT

If both of you are equally committed (i.e. each giving 100% to the relationship) then there is no reason that it wouldn't work out. But to "settle" for something you're not committed to 100% is not being honest with yourself. Make it a matter of prayer as well. If it doesn't feel right, don't proceed. If it does feel right, then by all means go for it. There are lots of good suggestions in these comments too. Take those comments into consideration. Remember, God has a plan, and it is called the Plan of Happiness. He didn't send us down to earth with the intent to make us miserable, but to give us reason to be truly happy. Don't settle for that which will not make you eternally happy.

Fern RL
LAYTON, UT

My first thought is how would I feel if you're dating my son. You're not, because his community is larger than that. The next thought was wondering how old you are when you classify yourself as "more mature." Just think about it.

Yes, consider living alone all your life, which will be better than a bad marriage. Consider giving up the guy for a short time to see how it goes. List the top 3 most important things for you in marriage. Pray about it; pray for help and guidance. Ask in prayer where you should go and what you should do. Always remember marriage requires constant commitment.

I think of how it was when I was 33 and still single. My top three things I wanted in a husband were 1. Good friend. 2. Holds priesthood. 3. Gets along with my Family. I prayed for help after returning to college. In class, we looked at each other and smiled simultaneously. It was a challenge for him that I was 10 years older than he, but 6 months later we were married and still are, over 30 years later.

airnaut
Everett, 00

Readers: What do you think? Should CL marry Mr. So-So?

Going ga-ga over someone is for teenagers and readers of romance novels.

The truth is:
after 30 years of marriage ALL marriage boil down to "So-So".

My vote: Go for it.

dotGone
Puyallup, WA

Yes, ask Heavenly Father, but sometimes it is also helpful to get opinions from diverse sources. That can be part of "study it out". I can recognize the desires of my heart by what I hope the feedback from a friend will be. Occasionally, what someone tells me will resonate so much that I recognize my truth. Still for final decisions, I look to Heavenly Father.
I can testify that being single and alone can be vastly superior to an unsatisfactory, unworkable marriage.

Lady Wren
Las Vegas, NV

I agree that being head-over-heals is not always the most important thing. The thing that concerns me is that he will be a "so-so husband". Is that only because she doesn't love him? or is that because of his qualities. Another question to ask herself is will he be a good father? If the answer is "so-so" move on!

Beaver Native
St. George, UT

It's better to remain single than settle for a so-so spouse. When they've talked about any two committed individuals being able to make a marriage work, I think they've been talking primarily about those who have already made the covenant; but regardless, you're describing the man as "so-so" and the statement was about TWO who are committed to making the marriage work. A "so-so" person is not committed to anything; let alone making the marriage work. Having been in two failed marriages, I can vouch for the fact that if only one is committed to making the marriage work, the marriage is likely to be a miserable one at best and will likely fail. There's nothing more miserable than despite doing everything you can to hold the marriage together, it still fails. It's often been said that before marriage you should keep your eyes wide-open and after marriage you should keep them half-closed. If there's no love to begin with and you think the guy is not such a great catch, it's two signs that it would be a miserable marriage.

Dennis
Harwich, MA

Don't marry anyone you don't love and can't live without.
Don't worry about the "culture" that thinks you should be married young, have half a dozen kids and, oh by the way, you don't have to love your husband. Nonsense.
Love him or leave him. Be patient. If there really is "Plan", the right one will come along.

airnaut
Everett, 00

The guys nuts over YOU,
so, if you do not feel that way towards him --
and you said yourself you feel he ist so-so, and perhaps you might be a little too picky.

BTW --
Please do not write back 10 years bemoaning your still lonely single life.

jjmitchell94
Gig Harbor, Washington

It's a good question. And I think the submitter asks it because she already knows that the answer is "no." I married in my late 30's a man that I loved and 20 years later still love, but I have to tell you that we struggled over the years to keep our marriage healthy, and if we hadn't had a foundation of love and a mutual respect I don't think we would have sailed over all those hurdles - or the ones to come. I'd become aware as a single woman that it was only within a truly committed relationship (eternal marriage) that we are able to grow to reach our potential, and I wanted that, but I guess I forgot that real growth isn't always a piece of cake. It requires sacrifice and patience and a whole lot of help from Heavenly Father to take the lumps to our ego that help us relinquish our pride and find peace within our companionships. Not easy, but worth it, and take it from me, only possible if both people are truly committed to each other and to making each other happy. I wish you luck!

Itsme2
SLC, UT

I was ancient by Utah standards (nearly 36) when I got married (never been married before). I thought for a long time about settling for someone I wasn't totally attracted to or didn't like that much just because I thought I might never find a guy I was totally in love with. Thank Heavens I didn't do that. I would rather have stayed single all my life than marry someone I didn't like that much. Marriage is hard enough without taking the attraction and fun out of it. Don't settle. Also, don't have crazy, unrealistic expectations either. You can't expect a perfect 10 if you're more like a 2 or 3. (I knew tons of single guys like that.) Do all you can to improve yourself and make yourself attractive and try new ways to meet people. I did everything imaginable short of tattooing an ad on my forehead. I think it was probably about the 10,000th singles' activity that I went to that I finally found "the One." Look to God and trust in Him. He will help you, whether it works out here or in the next life.

TheWalker
Saratoga Springs, UT

Romantic love will carry your marriage for 2 years. After that, friendship, respect, finances, and shared values become more important. Rather than asking 'Do I love him?', some better questions would be

1) Can he marry me in the temple?
2) Does his family share my values?
3) Is he financially stable?
4) Am I the kind of woman that a man who satisfies items 1-3 would want to marry?
5) Am I committed to do everything in my power to make this marriage work?

My wife wasn't in love with me when we got married, but I satisfied the requirements that were important to her. We've had our struggles, for sure, but we're still together after 15 years.

Janet
Ontario, OR

When I was single, I went out once with a guy who was a total jerk, but he said, "If you are single long enough, you will find that men who can't find a wife lack money, and women who can't find a husband are overweight." I'm sure there's truth in that, but it reflects the shallowness of the mate-seekers. Why do you think he would make a "so-so" husband? Because he'll never be rich? Because he's lazy? Because he's not handsome to your friends? Because he's ugly to you? Because he's spiritually weak? Because he doesn't give powerful talks in church? Because he can't dance? Because he doesn't like children? There's not enough information. I knew a woman who was in her late 20s and finally decided to marry a guy who wasn't what she dreamed of. I recently looked her up and read that she referred to her husband of 20-some years as "my soul mate." There's a difference between settling and getting real.

terra nova
Park City, UT

We don't know enough to render advice. None of us do. Why is he "so-so?" Is it because his biceps only measured 24" and not the perfect 26" you always wanted? Or, is it because he snorts when he laughs, has only three of his original teeth and often walks in smelling faintly of sweat and cow dung? Or, is it because his dog rides "shotgun" on dates and you have to ride in the bed of the his pick-up truck? "I can't figure it out," he whistles past his broken front tooth, "its a new truck!"

Fasting and praying is great advice. But assuming you've done that, consider couples counseling. Make it a date. Sounds like professional help might allow you to see if you have a chance at making it.

Twin Lights
Louisville, KY

I think Angela nailed the key issue here: respect. True, not a lot of data here but it does not appear that the letter writer really respects the guy (maybe for good reason, maybe not - not sure the reason is relevant - the point is there is no respect on her side).

Many have addressed the idea that romantic love is insufficient to carry a long-term relationship and that friendship and commitment will be required. I think that a marriage lacking a strong romantic bond could be successful where BOTH parties feel strong respect for the other and each believes the other could be a great spouse.

Lacking both the romantic spark AND the respect for the other spells disaster.

Howard Beal
Provo, UT

Maybe we're all looking at this wrong, maybe she's not good enough for him...

Beaver Native
St. George, UT

The best counsel I heard in General Conference from a General Authority years ago about a slightly different subject but still applicable to this topic: "If in doubt at all, do not do it." (President N. Eldon Tanner, counselor of the 1st Presidency,"The Blessing of Church Interviews", October 1978, Priesthood Session). Sounds like there's still some doubt about the relationship.

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