Comments about ‘Ask Angela: With so few choices, should I just marry him?’

Return to article »

Published: Monday, April 14 2014 7:26 p.m. MDT

Comments
  • Oldest first
  • Newest first
  • Most recommended
MaxxFordham
OREM, UT

Yes, marry him TODAY, on 4-1-4-1-4 (4/14/14), because it's one of those great dates like 12/12/12 or 11/12/13 or 10/10/10 or 12/13/14, etc.!

Happy 41414, everybody!
Mike

GD
Syracuse, UT

Has he asked you to marry him? I think you should get to know him better? To marry just because isn't a good reason for marriage. It sounds to me like she doesn't know him that well or even discussed with him how she feels. My experience is that people will or do try to change but there are certain things that won't change except in short duration. I wouldn't marry someone I didn't really like.

JP
Chandler, AZ

@voiceofreason1234

Pres. Kimball's quote is often used out of context, as it was here. He was speaking specifically about couples who were already married. It's great advice for a married couple. It's worth consideration for a couple considering marriage. It should never be used to say "Just marry whatever righteous individual comes along and make it work."

Brent T. Aurora CO
Aurora, CO

MaxxForham -- or give this more consideration, maybe find the love that ulvegaard is talking about, or follow other suggestions found here -- then marry on 51515 or 61616 or 71717 or 81818 or 91919 if numerology is important.

beccagirl06
tiny dot in, KS

I find a large part of companionship to be the emotional support you get from another person. You say that he adores you, so it sounds like he is emotionally available. I think you should ponder on why you find him not appealing emotionally. Is it because he doesn't come across as a prince charming or something else perhaps a personal bias. I think you should list all the reasons why you should continue to date - and possibly marry - this guy. Then list the reasons why you should stop dating now.

I don't think you should marry someone you don't feel right about marrying, but I do know many people that have started out not very interested in the other person and later ended up marrying them and several have even celebrated 30th or even 50th wedding anniversaries. They did not feel stuck in a loveless marriage, but they also did not marry until they decided they both loved each other and would be happy together. People always change after marriage, you just need to change together.

pat1
Taylorsville, UT

I have been married twice; my current husband and I have been happily married over 30 years. If you are older looking for a mate and have never been married before, you do have to be careful that you're not thinking in terms of what was perfect when you were in your 20s. It won't be what you've had many years to fantasize about. Nor will it necessarily match some fake romantic reality you've seen in movies. Remember, in some cultures even arranged marriages work out OK. Marriage is more than sex and romance. Commitment is the higher level.

That said, if you have doubts that this person would be more than a "so-so" mate and you're not attracted to him, I would think that is a red flag. There needs to be some attraction and respect and it appears that you'd struggle for that.

A wise leader told me when I was a single mom years ago "After the physical part is taken care of, everything else becomes more important."

Shane333
Cedar Hills, UT

President Kimball had a very good point about how almost any two people who are completely devoted can make a marriage work and be reasonably happy together. At the same time, settling for someone you consider only "so-so" isn't a strong foundation to begin a marriage relationship with. A husband wants/needs to be desired and respected by his wife just as a wife wants/needs to be desired and appreciated by her husband.

If someone is unable to desire or respect a man before marrying him, I am concerned that the marriage may suffer once living together as husband and wife magnifies each-other's differences and weaknesses.

oddman
,

reIdahoboy - The Lord won't give her the answer. If he did and it didn't work out who would she blame. She must make a decision and then ask the Lord to confirm whether her decision was right. All too often we want the Lord to make the decision for us in many matters but he has told us he will create a burning in your breast if it be right and it will fade away if not a good decision. At least that seems to be the way it works in my case.

JP
Chandler, AZ

@voiceofreason1234
Pres. Kimball also said "First, there must be the proper approach toward marriage, which contemplates the selection of a spouse who reaches as nearly as possible the pinnacle of perfection in all the matters which are of importance to the individuals."

For some reason that one doesn't get passed around as much. That said, I firmly believe people's lists of "important characteristics" are often too long, unrealistic, and full of things that aren't truly important.

Y Ask Y
Provo, UT

Set all other irrelevant issues aside and answer this one question:

Is he rich?

keyboarder
College Station, TX

What about the man's perspective? Perhaps he is also a more mature man and does not have as many options left. This does not answer the questions whether to marry or not, but could he just be trying to make this work from his side. If he really does adore this women, great! But maybe he has also had to do some soul searching and is now willing to give his heart even though the women wouldn't have been his first pick either. It sounds like he is ready to try and make it work.

The best advice given is to pray for the Lord's confirmation. But even if a marriage starts with a deep love, many lasting (even eternal) marriages come to a state when the man and women must each decide to stick with the other person not because of deep romance, but out of a sense of service and commitment and perhaps just obligation. Deep love can (re)develop later. If these two could start a successful marriage in less-than-giddy-love, I think it could last longer than many other marriages which couldn't handle such a tough stage of commitment.

michaelitos
Salt Lake City, UT

Over the course of my years, I have found that, in general, men want to be respected. Women want to be loved. If this woman doesn't respect her husband, it will be a bad marriage, because he will lose his love for her as she fails to respect him. They both lose.

"So-so", is NOT a good way to describe a potential eternal companion!!!

kimnprovo
Orem, UT

I think it's really easy to say that we're not attracted to someone or say they are "so-so", etc. It's especially easy when we have a dream guy in mind. It's much easier to see the good in someone and respect them (and learn to love them) if we accept them as they are. Instead of looking at how he's not what you imagined, instead look at what is good about him and how those things can bless your life. That being said, if there are warning bells and red flags, listen to them (though what we read didn't say anything like that).

I really believe we have become too brainwashed by books, tv and movies that we will turn the corner and bump into someone and fall in love. That is not real! Real is having common interests and goals, then working together to meet those goals. I know, it's not very romantic, but it is real.

MaxxFordham
OREM, UT

Hey, Brent, those are great dates too! :-)

Mike

Schnee
Salt Lake City, UT

"I do think, however, that maybe in time I could start to love him. "

Then consider dating him, not marrying him.

Schnee
Salt Lake City, UT

@voiceofreason1234
"Marriage is a blessing, and also a requirement for exaltation (temple marriage)."

That's definitely something that can lead people to do irrational things like who marries a man they don't love...

@ulvegaard
"They were married about a month later"

...and who marries a man they just met? Goodness I will never understand a culture where marriage is believed to be eternal, and then just rushed into.

MaxxFordham
OREM, UT

Schnee,

"Then consider dating him, not marrying him" doesn't seem to make a lot of sense. Isn't it the *point* of dating that you *do* consider whether or not to marry them?

Yeah, you start with dating to see if you might want to marry them. After a date or few, you decide if you want to keep dating them or not. If you keep dating each other, then that helps you decide if you want to marry each other.

So the right idea isn't "then consider dating him, not marrying him;" it's "then consider dating him, and *then* whether you want to marry each other or not."

unirrational
Bend, OR

All I know is if I'm making a decision this weighty, I'm not asking Angela or anyone else about what I should do. Nothing against Angela, but she doesn't know the end from the beginning. There's one person I would ask...and He is the Father of knowledge and wisdom.

jans
Pickerington, OH

In the absence of more details, all I can say is ask yourself: Do I like him? Do I respect him? Do I trust him? If any of those are "no" ask yourself why that is so. What makes him a "so-so" husband in your opinion? Is he lazy, a slob, not reliable, boring? How much do those things matter to you and why? What are deal-breaker issues for you? For him? Would you be a "so-so" wife? Physical attraction is important, but married people will tell you that the body changes a lot through the years and may become more or less "attractive" yet spouses manage physically and/or emotionally intimate relationships throughout these changes. And above all, be honest and fair with this guy. If you have concerns about going forward with a relationship, he deserves to know what those concerns are. And if he brings up any concerns of his, you need to honestly assess yourself as well. Marriages for companionship can work well, but life isn't a fairy tale. You need someone you can rely on through difficult times, not just the hearts and flowers.

wehage65
BURKE, VA

I love Angela's column and advice, she really has a good head on her shoulders and it's understandable you would ask this question of her but may I suggest that the real person you should ask is Heavenly Father? There isn't enough room to describe my own story, I tried, but I can assure you that I was not in love with my hubby when I married him. But I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Heavenly Father hand picked him out for me and I trusted that and married him. Best thing I ever did! He is my rock, my world, my love, my everything. The fact that you are asking suggests that you know the answer already, I suspect this is not a good match for you, but only the Lord knows for sure. Trust Him and your instincts, being alone is hard, being with the wrong person is soooo much harder! Good luck!

to comment

DeseretNews.com encourages a civil dialogue among its readers. We welcome your thoughtful comments.
About comments