While it is true that marriages use to be arranged and there was no love to
begin with between a couple, parents arranged these marriages so that the
children would have mates of the same beliefs, values, and cultures. Most of
these marriages produced some of the strongest couples. However, if this man is
not of your beliefs, values and spiritual or non-spiritual culture then
don't settle. I see too, many young people today and have plenty of friends
as well as myself to tell you that settling for someone you think you can grow
into is hazardous to yourself and them. If you are spiritual and he does not
believe the same as you run away fast. You cannot change him. If you are not
spiritual and he is, run away fast you are not going to change him. If you
settle and he knows that is what you are doing he will have little respect for
you and it will begin to show sooner than later. I suggest you find single
friends and group date to ease into getting to know multiple people at a time.
Group date= Bowling night for example.
NO NO NO NO NO! If you only think he'd be so so, DON'T GET YOURSELF
INTO SOMETHING YOU COULD POTENTIALLY REGRET LATER! Still, give him a chance.
Yes, you may fall for him later, but you may not. If you feel forced into it
then don't do it. Marry who you think is best and who you love. Why marry
him if you don't love him? What would the point be? To not be single?
I'd rather be single than marry someone I don't love. Good
I never dreamed I would really get everything I wanted in a guy: Red hair,
freckles, a ready smile and pleasing disposition, able and willing to support me
and our children financially, ambidextrous to make up for my having all thumbs
and two left arms... It is truly amazing that it happened. What did I bring to
our marriage? Being svelte without having to work hard at it, being able to
spell most words, being ready and willing to love that guy and our children, not
having baggage from a prior marriage and divorce... Some of those things have
changed over the years, particularly hair amount and its color, and body size.
Maybe having a good memory can help, too. Commitment is absolutely essential.
Yeah, it would definitely not be fair to lead this poor guy on into believing
that she loves him when she obviously doesn’t. If they are both members of
the Church, she would also be making covenants in the temple under false
pretenses, which would invite additional condemnation upon her and upon her
marriage. I would advise against it; after all, marriage for her is not
necessary for exaltation, even if it is for him. There may yet be a better match
out there…for both of them. Or not. Either way, it is not a good idea to
enter into a marriage with someone for whom one does not have genuine feelings
of love, or even attraction. No good can come of such an arrangement.
I am responding as the mother of my one and only precious Son who is currently
on his mission. I pray with all of my heart that when he falls in love with,
adores, respects and think the world of the woman that he chooses, that she will
have enough integrity and kindness to be honest with her own feelings for him
and either fully reciprocate his love or kindly tell him that she doesn't
feel the same and let him go. It may break his own heart but he deserves to be
with somebody who will love, adore, respect and think the world of him - above
all others. I pray that my beautiful Son will not be some woman's "the
one" because there was nobody else around" or because she felt time was
getting on so "oh well I'll settle. He's here so why not".
I knew someone who "settled" on a husband, their we're married in
the temple. Within the first year he was abusive to her. She did leave him got
the help she needed, and decided to focus on herself, and she meant the man of
her dreams. They were married in the temple. She doesn't have children
of.her on ,but she became a grandma with this marriage. She won't change it
for the world. Please be cautious and don't settle. Your father in heaven
would want you to b e happy. My last piece of advice would be to PRAY,PRAY,PRAY
THEN PRAY AGAIN.
I fall somewhere in-between. Certainly do not marry anyone you do not respect
for legitimate reasons. Having said that, waiting on Mr. Right can be overrated
too. Feeling a man is perfect in every way is also not wise. It is referred to
by psychologists as Limerence, and is often fueled by strong intense physical
attraction. In time all people's weaknesses surface. Even things we first
found amusing can, in time become irritating. Marital love is
serious. Much is at stake at any age, but more so when we have more to lose.
Families are further involved if either has children from a prior marriage, even
if the children are adults.I've dated men whose companionship I
enjoyed; that doesn't mean I would marry them if no one else was around at
the time. Many charming, fun, good looking men I was attracted to soon showed
they were too into themselves to make great mates. Be wise. Never settle for
anyone lacking in core virtues you value. Look for integrity, kindness, loyalty
and traits you can respect. Does he make you want to be a better woman or make
you feel you need to improve him?
I agree being in a 'loveless' marriage is worse than being single.
However one option I might suggest is to look closer at this guy. Perhaps
giving him another chance and honestly looking for the good in him might change
the relationship a lot.I always recommend that you should always
strive to become the type of person you wish to marry. Far too often people
have greater expectations of who their spouse should be than they are
themselves. Your level of education, character, maturity is very likely to be
the same as who you will marry, so if you want a better person as a spouse be
that person too. in my observation and experience those who happen to "get
lucky" and marry someone better often end in divorce as you are unable to
relate on the same levels. Thus more important than finding is being the right
person and then you'll find that the right person has 'found'
you. Good luck
i feel that she has her answer already'when in doubt... dont'
All of Mr So-So's annoying habits will be magnified as you spend more time
with him and he will become even less lovable. So, if there is no love to begin
with how can you expect it to grow in marriage? Marriage is a difficult
commitment even for those of us who married the loves of our life. Don't do
it. You would be better off alone and still looking (but you REALLY have to put
yourself out there) than in a loveless marriage where you stand the chance of
becoming some mans maid and nurse as time goes along.
I'm wondering why this woman hasn't done the "Mormon thing,"
and asked the Holy Spirit. I suspect the Holy Spirit has already told her
"Don't"--because she realizes this man just isn't right for
her. (That's Spirit talking.) She's trying to overrule Spirit, and
that never works.Here's a "New Age" take on it: You can
only get what you really want when you refuse to settle for anything less.
Having been in a marriage like she is contemplating I already know where this
going. To have companionship you have to be with someone who makes you happy
and you enjoy talking to. Settling never works, you soon realize that you are
alone in a crowd.
I do not know how to answer this question, but there have been many great ideas
for her to consider. My wife may have thought me to be so-so when we first met,
because she accepted a date with me thinking I was a another person. After 52
years of marriage, many children and grandchildren later, we still love each
other dearly. We each have our specific issues, but we have been able to deal
with them through love and respect for each other. She may want to try to
determine why he loves her so much, even though he probably senses how she
feels. She should be honest with him about how she feels. It is the very least
she should do. He deserves to know this, if he truly loves her so much. As one
said, he might be a gem, but also might be a dud. But she needs to know.
What happens if the right one comes along after she has already married? I think
that most of us have things we find difficult. We know that it will take
uncomfortable changes to get where we want to be, so we don't do anything.
I can think of steps I need to take, and I don't want to because change is
hard for me. I think she needs to get out of her comfort zone somehow and go
where she will find the one who makes her happy! There has to be a way, even if
it is a little hard. You can be just as lonely married to the wrong person and
if she doesn't feel it is right, imagine how it will be after she marries
him. I think that would be a big risk! It is like gambling, and what happens
when we gamble? We lose 90% of the time!
Marriage is hard, even when you are madly in love with your spouse. To advise
someone to marry a person they don't truly love is just setting them both
up for failure.Don't settle. It's easier to remain single
than it is to go through a painful divorce.
"He thinks the world of me. . ." So, just pass him up and wait, and
wait, and wait for your ideal; one who makes you feel wild electricity. Wait
until you "think the world of him." Who cares how he feels about you.
Then try and try and try to win him.This is not the best recipe for
a wonderful marriage. After being engaged six times, I finally resolved to
marry someone who wanted me . . . I mean really wanted me. It didn't take
long for me to love her. Even the scriptures say how easy it is to love someone
who loves you.The best advice is to evaluate this person's
character; not his looks; not his perfection. What kind of a dad would he be?
If he's got character and would be a good dad, go for it.
I think it is better to be happily single or even unhappily single rather than
unhappily married. If you barely like the guy, it isn't going to get better
with closer contact. It will probably get worse. A person's good qualities
fade in marriage and his or her bad qualities seem worse. Another person's
love for you will not make up for your lack of love for them. It is far lonelier
to be unconnected to someone you are married to than to be alone. Having been
happily married most of the time and unhappily married on occasion (to the same
man), I would say that it not easy to stay in love with someone you love in the
first place. It takes work and commitment to love another person for years. I
can't imagine trying to figure out how to make yourself love someone who
was never more than just so-so to begin with.
The best counsel I heard in General Conference from a General Authority years
ago about a slightly different subject but still applicable to this topic:
"If in doubt at all, do not do it." (President N. Eldon Tanner,
counselor of the 1st Presidency,"The Blessing of Church Interviews",
October 1978, Priesthood Session). Sounds like there's still some doubt
about the relationship.
Maybe we're all looking at this wrong, maybe she's not good enough for
I think Angela nailed the key issue here: respect. True, not a lot of data here
but it does not appear that the letter writer really respects the guy (maybe for
good reason, maybe not - not sure the reason is relevant - the point is there is
no respect on her side).Many have addressed the idea that romantic
love is insufficient to carry a long-term relationship and that friendship and
commitment will be required. I think that a marriage lacking a strong romantic
bond could be successful where BOTH parties feel strong respect for the other
and each believes the other could be a great spouse.Lacking both the
romantic spark AND the respect for the other spells disaster.
We don't know enough to render advice. None of us do. Why is he
"so-so?" Is it because his biceps only measured 24" and not the
perfect 26" you always wanted? Or, is it because he snorts when he laughs,
has only three of his original teeth and often walks in smelling faintly of
sweat and cow dung? Or, is it because his dog rides "shotgun" on dates
and you have to ride in the bed of the his pick-up truck? "I can't
figure it out," he whistles past his broken front tooth, "its a new
truck!"Fasting and praying is great advice. But assuming
you've done that, consider couples counseling. Make it a date. Sounds
like professional help might allow you to see if you have a chance at making it.
When I was single, I went out once with a guy who was a total jerk, but he said,
"If you are single long enough, you will find that men who can't find a
wife lack money, and women who can't find a husband are overweight."
I'm sure there's truth in that, but it reflects the shallowness of the
mate-seekers. Why do you think he would make a "so-so" husband?
Because he'll never be rich? Because he's lazy? Because he's not
handsome to your friends? Because he's ugly to you? Because he's
spiritually weak? Because he doesn't give powerful talks in church?
Because he can't dance? Because he doesn't like children?
There's not enough information. I knew a woman who was in her late 20s and
finally decided to marry a guy who wasn't what she dreamed of. I recently
looked her up and read that she referred to her husband of 20-some years as
"my soul mate." There's a difference between settling and getting
Romantic love will carry your marriage for 2 years. After that, friendship,
respect, finances, and shared values become more important. Rather than asking
'Do I love him?', some better questions would be1) Can he
marry me in the temple?2) Does his family share my values?3) Is he
financially stable?4) Am I the kind of woman that a man who satisfies
items 1-3 would want to marry?5) Am I committed to do everything in my
power to make this marriage work?My wife wasn't in love with me
when we got married, but I satisfied the requirements that were important to
her. We've had our struggles, for sure, but we're still together
after 15 years.
I was ancient by Utah standards (nearly 36) when I got married (never been
married before). I thought for a long time about settling for someone I
wasn't totally attracted to or didn't like that much just because I
thought I might never find a guy I was totally in love with. Thank Heavens I
didn't do that. I would rather have stayed single all my life than marry
someone I didn't like that much. Marriage is hard enough without taking the
attraction and fun out of it. Don't settle. Also, don't have crazy,
unrealistic expectations either. You can't expect a perfect 10 if
you're more like a 2 or 3. (I knew tons of single guys like that.) Do all
you can to improve yourself and make yourself attractive and try new ways to
meet people. I did everything imaginable short of tattooing an ad on my
forehead. I think it was probably about the 10,000th singles' activity that
I went to that I finally found "the One." Look to God and trust in Him.
He will help you, whether it works out here or in the next life.
It's a good question. And I think the submitter asks it because she already
knows that the answer is "no." I married in my late 30's a man that
I loved and 20 years later still love, but I have to tell you that we struggled
over the years to keep our marriage healthy, and if we hadn't had a
foundation of love and a mutual respect I don't think we would have sailed
over all those hurdles - or the ones to come. I'd become aware as a single
woman that it was only within a truly committed relationship (eternal marriage)
that we are able to grow to reach our potential, and I wanted that, but I guess
I forgot that real growth isn't always a piece of cake. It requires
sacrifice and patience and a whole lot of help from Heavenly Father to take the
lumps to our ego that help us relinquish our pride and find peace within our
companionships. Not easy, but worth it, and take it from me, only possible if
both people are truly committed to each other and to making each other happy. I
wish you luck!
The guys nuts over YOU, so, if you do not feel that way towards him -- and you said yourself you feel he ist so-so, and perhaps you might be a little
too picky.BTW -- Please do not write back 10 years bemoaning
your still lonely single life.
Don't marry anyone you don't love and can't live without.Don't worry about the "culture" that thinks you should be married
young, have half a dozen kids and, oh by the way, you don't have to love
your husband. Nonsense. Love him or leave him. Be patient. If there
really is "Plan", the right one will come along.
It's better to remain single than settle for a so-so spouse. When
they've talked about any two committed individuals being able to make a
marriage work, I think they've been talking primarily about those who have
already made the covenant; but regardless, you're describing the man as
"so-so" and the statement was about TWO who are committed to making the
marriage work. A "so-so" person is not committed to anything; let alone
making the marriage work. Having been in two failed marriages, I can vouch for
the fact that if only one is committed to making the marriage work, the marriage
is likely to be a miserable one at best and will likely fail. There's
nothing more miserable than despite doing everything you can to hold the
marriage together, it still fails. It's often been said that before
marriage you should keep your eyes wide-open and after marriage you should keep
them half-closed. If there's no love to begin with and you think the guy is
not such a great catch, it's two signs that it would be a miserable
I agree that being head-over-heals is not always the most important thing. The
thing that concerns me is that he will be a "so-so husband". Is that
only because she doesn't love him? or is that because of his qualities.
Another question to ask herself is will he be a good father? If the answer is
"so-so" move on!
Yes, ask Heavenly Father, but sometimes it is also helpful to get opinions from
diverse sources. That can be part of "study it out". I can recognize
the desires of my heart by what I hope the feedback from a friend will be.
Occasionally, what someone tells me will resonate so much that I recognize my
truth. Still for final decisions, I look to Heavenly Father.I can testify
that being single and alone can be vastly superior to an unsatisfactory,
Readers: What do you think? Should CL marry Mr. So-So?Going ga-ga
over someone is for teenagers and readers of romance novels.The
truth is:after 30 years of marriage ALL marriage boil down to
"So-So".My vote: Go for it.
My first thought is how would I feel if you're dating my son. You're
not, because his community is larger than that. The next thought was wondering
how old you are when you classify yourself as "more mature." Just think
about it.Yes, consider living alone all your life, which will be
better than a bad marriage. Consider giving up the guy for a short time to see
how it goes. List the top 3 most important things for you in marriage. Pray
about it; pray for help and guidance. Ask in prayer where you should go and
what you should do. Always remember marriage requires constant commitment.I think of how it was when I was 33 and still single. My top three
things I wanted in a husband were 1. Good friend. 2. Holds priesthood. 3. Gets
along with my Family. I prayed for help after returning to college. In class,
we looked at each other and smiled simultaneously. It was a challenge for him
that I was 10 years older than he, but 6 months later we were married and still
are, over 30 years later.
If both of you are equally committed (i.e. each giving 100% to the relationship)
then there is no reason that it wouldn't work out. But to "settle"
for something you're not committed to 100% is not being honest with
yourself. Make it a matter of prayer as well. If it doesn't feel right,
don't proceed. If it does feel right, then by all means go for it. There
are lots of good suggestions in these comments too. Take those comments into
consideration. Remember, God has a plan, and it is called the Plan of
Happiness. He didn't send us down to earth with the intent to make us
miserable, but to give us reason to be truly happy. Don't settle for that
which will not make you eternally happy.
I listened to a talk by John Bytheway once called "What I Wish I Knew When I
Was Single." His list (that I completely agree with) in order from best to
worst was:1.Happily Married.2.Happily Single.3.Unhappily
@MaxxFordhamBy "not marrying him" I meant "not marrying
now", not eliminating potentially doing so down the road. Sorry for the
Are all dates an interview process? Maybe I was doing it wrong in
the eyes of some, but I dated lots of women knowing that I had no intention of
marrying them. (or them, me)
I'm not going to suggest to get married or not get married. I do want to
explore some things, though. I'd really like to know what CL meant by so-so
husband. I'm not sure I disagree that that statement is a sign of
disrespect. I think it's key that CL define what she thinks would be a good
husband, and then evaluate that list sincerely. Regardless of who the man she is
thinking about. One of the biggest challenges in relationships today is
that completely false concept of romantic love - it was completely created by
romance novelists and greeting card companies in the late nineteenth century. It
has done more damage to families than any other concept. Love is not something
we fall in or out of. It is the result of our actions - as we act in love to
others, the feeling follows that. That's the concept behind the Gordon
Kimball quote from voiceofreason1234. The real questions are: Are
your expectations of a husband reasonable? What kind of man is he?
Sincerely and prayerfully answer these questions, and then compare the two.
Then make a decision and commit to it.
I love Angela's column and advice, she really has a good head on her
shoulders and it's understandable you would ask this question of her but
may I suggest that the real person you should ask is Heavenly Father? There
isn't enough room to describe my own story, I tried, but I can assure you
that I was not in love with my hubby when I married him. But I knew beyond a
shadow of a doubt that Heavenly Father hand picked him out for me and I trusted
that and married him. Best thing I ever did! He is my rock, my world, my love,
my everything. The fact that you are asking suggests that you know the answer
already, I suspect this is not a good match for you, but only the Lord knows for
sure. Trust Him and your instincts, being alone is hard, being with the wrong
person is soooo much harder! Good luck!
In the absence of more details, all I can say is ask yourself: Do I like him? Do
I respect him? Do I trust him? If any of those are "no" ask yourself
why that is so. What makes him a "so-so" husband in your opinion? Is he
lazy, a slob, not reliable, boring? How much do those things matter to you and
why? What are deal-breaker issues for you? For him? Would you be a
"so-so" wife? Physical attraction is important, but married people will
tell you that the body changes a lot through the years and may become more or
less "attractive" yet spouses manage physically and/or emotionally
intimate relationships throughout these changes. And above all, be honest and
fair with this guy. If you have concerns about going forward with a
relationship, he deserves to know what those concerns are. And if he brings up
any concerns of his, you need to honestly assess yourself as well. Marriages for
companionship can work well, but life isn't a fairy tale. You need someone
you can rely on through difficult times, not just the hearts and flowers.
All I know is if I'm making a decision this weighty, I'm not asking
Angela or anyone else about what I should do. Nothing against Angela, but she
doesn't know the end from the beginning. There's one person I would
ask...and He is the Father of knowledge and wisdom.
Schnee,"Then consider dating him, not marrying him"
doesn't seem to make a lot of sense. Isn't it the *point* of dating
that you *do* consider whether or not to marry them?Yeah, you start
with dating to see if you might want to marry them. After a date or few, you
decide if you want to keep dating them or not. If you keep dating each other,
then that helps you decide if you want to marry each other.So the
right idea isn't "then consider dating him, not marrying him;"
it's "then consider dating him, and *then* whether you want to marry
each other or not."
@voiceofreason1234"Marriage is a blessing, and also a requirement for
exaltation (temple marriage)."That's definitely something
that can lead people to do irrational things like who marries a man they
don't love... @ulvegaard"They were married about a
month later"...and who marries a man they just met? Goodness I
will never understand a culture where marriage is believed to be eternal, and
then just rushed into.
"I do think, however, that maybe in time I could start to love him. "Then consider dating him, not marrying him.
Hey, Brent, those are great dates too! :-)Mike
I think it's really easy to say that we're not attracted to someone or
say they are "so-so", etc. It's especially easy when we have a
dream guy in mind. It's much easier to see the good in someone and respect
them (and learn to love them) if we accept them as they are. Instead of looking
at how he's not what you imagined, instead look at what is good about him
and how those things can bless your life. That being said, if there are warning
bells and red flags, listen to them (though what we read didn't say
anything like that). I really believe we have become too brainwashed
by books, tv and movies that we will turn the corner and bump into someone and
fall in love. That is not real! Real is having common interests and goals, then
working together to meet those goals. I know, it's not very romantic, but
it is real.
Over the course of my years, I have found that, in general, men want to be
respected. Women want to be loved. If this woman doesn't respect her
husband, it will be a bad marriage, because he will lose his love for her as she
fails to respect him. They both lose."So-so", is NOT a good
way to describe a potential eternal companion!!!
What about the man's perspective? Perhaps he is also a more mature man and
does not have as many options left. This does not answer the questions whether
to marry or not, but could he just be trying to make this work from his side.
If he really does adore this women, great! But maybe he has also had to do some
soul searching and is now willing to give his heart even though the women
wouldn't have been his first pick either. It sounds like he is ready to
try and make it work.The best advice given is to pray for the
Lord's confirmation. But even if a marriage starts with a deep love, many
lasting (even eternal) marriages come to a state when the man and women must
each decide to stick with the other person not because of deep romance, but out
of a sense of service and commitment and perhaps just obligation. Deep love can
(re)develop later. If these two could start a successful marriage in
less-than-giddy-love, I think it could last longer than many other marriages
which couldn't handle such a tough stage of commitment.
Set all other irrelevant issues aside and answer this one question:Is he rich?
@voiceofreason1234Pres. Kimball also said "First, there must be the
proper approach toward marriage, which contemplates the selection of a spouse
who reaches as nearly as possible the pinnacle of perfection in all the matters
which are of importance to the individuals."For some reason that
one doesn't get passed around as much. That said, I firmly believe
people's lists of "important characteristics" are often too long,
unrealistic, and full of things that aren't truly important.
reIdahoboy - The Lord won't give her the answer. If he did and it
didn't work out who would she blame. She must make a decision and then ask
the Lord to confirm whether her decision was right. All too often we want the
Lord to make the decision for us in many matters but he has told us he will
create a burning in your breast if it be right and it will fade away if not a
good decision. At least that seems to be the way it works in my case.
President Kimball had a very good point about how almost any two people who are
completely devoted can make a marriage work and be reasonably happy together.
At the same time, settling for someone you consider only "so-so"
isn't a strong foundation to begin a marriage relationship with. A husband
wants/needs to be desired and respected by his wife just as a wife wants/needs
to be desired and appreciated by her husband.If someone is unable to
desire or respect a man before marrying him, I am concerned that the marriage
may suffer once living together as husband and wife magnifies each-other's
differences and weaknesses.
I have been married twice; my current husband and I have been happily married
over 30 years. If you are older looking for a mate and have never been married
before, you do have to be careful that you're not thinking in terms of what
was perfect when you were in your 20s. It won't be what you've had
many years to fantasize about. Nor will it necessarily match some fake romantic
reality you've seen in movies. Remember, in some cultures even arranged
marriages work out OK. Marriage is more than sex and romance. Commitment is the
higher level.That said, if you have doubts that this person would be
more than a "so-so" mate and you're not attracted to him, I would
think that is a red flag. There needs to be some attraction and respect and it
appears that you'd struggle for that.A wise leader told me when
I was a single mom years ago "After the physical part is taken care of,
everything else becomes more important."
I find a large part of companionship to be the emotional support you get from
another person. You say that he adores you, so it sounds like he is emotionally
available. I think you should ponder on why you find him not appealing
emotionally. Is it because he doesn't come across as a prince charming or
something else perhaps a personal bias. I think you should list all the reasons
why you should continue to date - and possibly marry - this guy. Then list the
reasons why you should stop dating now. I don't think you
should marry someone you don't feel right about marrying, but I do know
many people that have started out not very interested in the other person and
later ended up marrying them and several have even celebrated 30th or even 50th
wedding anniversaries. They did not feel stuck in a loveless marriage, but they
also did not marry until they decided they both loved each other and would be
happy together. People always change after marriage, you just need to change
MaxxForham -- or give this more consideration, maybe find the love that
ulvegaard is talking about, or follow other suggestions found here -- then marry
on 51515 or 61616 or 71717 or 81818 or 91919 if numerology is important.
@voiceofreason1234Pres. Kimball's quote is often used out of
context, as it was here. He was speaking specifically about couples who were
already married. It's great advice for a married couple. It's worth
consideration for a couple considering marriage. It should never be used to say
"Just marry whatever righteous individual comes along and make it work."
Has he asked you to marry him? I think you should get to know him better? To
marry just because isn't a good reason for marriage. It sounds to me like
she doesn't know him that well or even discussed with him how she feels.
My experience is that people will or do try to change but there are certain
things that won't change except in short duration. I wouldn't marry
someone I didn't really like.
Yes, marry him TODAY, on 4-1-4-1-4 (4/14/14), because it's one of those
great dates like 12/12/12 or 11/12/13 or 10/10/10 or 12/13/14, etc.!Happy 41414, everybody!Mike
I had a friend years ago in a similar situation. Finally, she resolved that if
it meant she would have to remain single for the rest of mortality, she would do
so rather than to just settle for a marriage she was convinced would never be
celestial (meaning not just getting married in the temple, but having a
celestial life together before death).Once she made that resolve --
within a week, miraculous events transpired which literally brought her
celestial dream companion to her. They were married about a month later and it
was all she had ever hoped for an more.Don't 'settle'
just because you don't see what you're looking for today. Good things
come to those who honestly strive for them.
I grew up in a very rural, agricultural, isolated area. I knew many couples who
married without a "true" love who had a happy family, good life, good
children, and were well respected by everyone. They had and kept trust and
respect between them always. You could pick them out easily, as they interacted
as best friends, not lovers, but they made a good marriage out of it. As the
world changed, and the isolation barriers were torn down, they would talk about
true love as something new. But, they always remained faithful and happy with
their mates, just knew that others had something they did not have. But, if you
know farmers, you understand their understanding of the world is to appreciate
what you have, not focus on what you do not have. So, they had good lives.
We can all offer an opinion on what this woman should do, but my advice is to
look up to God. Prayer and fasting is the best advice I could give. God will
give you an answer and whatever that answer is, it is the answer that will trump
every other answer given here. Now even if the answer is yes marry
this man, it doesn't mean that your life will be full of bliss and ease.
However if you know that God is supporting you in whatever the choice is then
doubt and fear will be replaced by peace in your heart. Good luck."But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind;
then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your
bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall
have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is
wrong;" Doctrine & Covenants 9:8-9
Any of the comments could be accurate, even where they conflict, because no one
has enough facts. We really have no idea just how eligible CL is. Nor do we
objectively have any clue whether Mr. So-So is a hopeless case or a promising
case. Much depends on whether mutual respect is even possible. some
questions/challenges can be properly answered/resolved only through the exertion
of considerable prayer and faith. In this instance, I expect that CL and So-So
need to spend a few months dating and getting to know each other better. If she
can come to love and respect him, maybe it could work. If familiarity begins to
breed contempt, it won't.
Write down all of the things that make you think he is just so-so and analyze
how important those things are in your life. Things can wear on you in time -
things you didn't think were important before. If you take your time to get
to know him, then it gives you time to see how important those things would be
to you. You have the rest of your life to be glad that you were sure about this
marriage and the rest of your life to be sorry that you didn't wait longer.
Another take on this ... Show the man your letter to Angela. If he still wants
you after reading it, you may be dealing with a saint. Marrying him might be a
wise decision. I suspect most men would walk away when they got to
"So don't do that to yourself."And don't do that
to him, either.
I think ultimately this should be a matter of prayer. But living in Asia, I
have seen arranged marriages work. I believe there is no perfect person. Even
someone who seems ideal has faults. Happiness in marriage is a choice. It
takes work to make a happy marriage. I think that either you should put
yourself in a position, and place to meet someone else, or you should consider
taking this chance while you have it. Many women have held out for Prince
Charming and have missed the opportunity for marriage all together. It's
not "settling" if you are determined to make it work.
In short: NO!!! Do NOT do it! I have seen far too many wonderful women looking
for love and deserving it and marry short and then become very sad and bitter.
DON'T do it!!
Good answers on both sides of this question. Raybies' response is worth
serious thought. Referring to the man as "so-so" is
troubling. Lack of respect, if I'm reading it right. If true, forget
marriage to him. Try this: don't have a thing to do with him
for two months. Not a call, text, email. Nothing. If you find yourself thinking
of him, bothered by not communicating with or seeing him, you may have more
serious feelings that you realize. If you don't give him a second thought
during that time, there's your answer. Love often comes after
marriage. Remember that in your deliberations.
Read the book "Settling for Mr. Good Enough." Maybe that will help.
There are far worse things in life than being single. Being in a
bad marriage is one of them.
The answer is pretty simple. NO
You nailed the answer - "...but I see by far more tears and more anguish
from my married friends in loveless marriages than from all of my single friends
combined."This man who now adores this woman will eventually
realize she doesn't adore him, doesn't desire him and just settled for
him. How can that possibly make him happy too? Both could grow to resent each
other.If she's willing to learn to try to love him, why not
expend that same energy continuing to look for someone she can fall in love
with? I truly believe a prayerful search with work and effort to prepare oneself
for marriage - the same kind of work and effort it takes to maintain a good
marriage - will result in answered prayer. It did for me, but I know
everyone's path is different.Please don't make him into
someone his wife settled for. You will just tear him down.
Don't settle... "raybies" thoughts may have some merit, but prior
to marriage is the time to find out, not after. Take the time to explore
whether you can develop real love and feelings for this man. Don't assume
it will magically happen after marriage. The opposite could be true, too.
Pray about it, and if the answer is yes then when the tough times come (which
happen in every marriage), you'll have a stronger foundation to get through
Spencer W. Kimball taught:"I am convinced that almost any two good
people can get along together and be reasonably happy together if both are
totally cooperative, unselfish, and willing to work together. I realize that
sometimes there are personality clashes which make the difficulty
greater."I say if you like him, if he is righteous -- go for it!
Marriage is a blessing, and also a requirement for exaltation (temple
marriage). Let's look at the arranged marriages of old days: Rebecca &
Issac for one. It will be very nice not to be alone, marriage is great.
In my experience, I would not marry someone that I do not love or even really
respect. Marriage is hard enough! I think I would work on myself and my own
inner spiritual work, join a 12 step group and work the steps on codependency
(Al-anon) and/or other issues and become who I need to be to attract an AWESOME
MAN! This is too eternal a decision to just make based on head knowledge, and
pray that God will lead me to who HE wants me to marry.
is there any one else that she is interested in, my be he likes her too but
isn't courageous enough to ask her to dance, my be she should ask him and
walk from so-so.
My instinct is the opposite of Angela's. So much of marriage is simply a
matter of making a commitment and being willing to work through any conflicts.
There comes a time when it's important to make real decisions, and the
solution provided sounds more like perpetuating singlehood forever. There's a very real possibility that her dream man that she's
holding out for simply never will be found. She should go through and reevaluate
her expectations and the things she can live with and the things she thinks will
make her happy. The guy she's dating now adores her. Has she
shared her thoughts about what would make him more attractive to her? Give him a
chance to live up to those expectations. It sounds like she doesn't know
what she wants, and so... is it any wonder he's not the ideal? Finding someone who's willing to care for you and you could do the same
for them is a precious thing. It seems short-sighted to advise throwing that