Comments about ‘Ask Angela: With so few choices, should I just marry him?’

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Published: Monday, April 14 2014 7:26 p.m. MDT

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raybies
Layton, UT

My instinct is the opposite of Angela's. So much of marriage is simply a matter of making a commitment and being willing to work through any conflicts. There comes a time when it's important to make real decisions, and the solution provided sounds more like perpetuating singlehood forever.

There's a very real possibility that her dream man that she's holding out for simply never will be found. She should go through and reevaluate her expectations and the things she can live with and the things she thinks will make her happy.

The guy she's dating now adores her. Has she shared her thoughts about what would make him more attractive to her? Give him a chance to live up to those expectations. It sounds like she doesn't know what she wants, and so... is it any wonder he's not the ideal?

Finding someone who's willing to care for you and you could do the same for them is a precious thing. It seems short-sighted to advise throwing that away.

george of the jungle
goshen, UT

is there any one else that she is interested in, my be he likes her too but isn't courageous enough to ask her to dance, my be she should ask him and walk from so-so.

heidi ho
Fort Collins, CO

In my experience, I would not marry someone that I do not love or even really respect. Marriage is hard enough! I think I would work on myself and my own inner spiritual work, join a 12 step group and work the steps on codependency (Al-anon) and/or other issues and become who I need to be to attract an AWESOME MAN! This is too eternal a decision to just make based on head knowledge, and pray that God will lead me to who HE wants me to marry.

voiceofreason1234
SANDY, TX

Spencer W. Kimball taught:
"I am convinced that almost any two good people can get along together and be reasonably happy together if both are totally cooperative, unselfish, and willing to work together. I realize that sometimes there are personality clashes which make the difficulty greater."

I say if you like him, if he is righteous -- go for it! Marriage is a blessing, and also a requirement for exaltation (temple marriage). Let's look at the arranged marriages of old days: Rebecca & Issac for one. It will be very nice not to be alone, marriage is great.

Heather Moore
Lehi, UT

Pray about it, and if the answer is yes then when the tough times come (which happen in every marriage), you'll have a stronger foundation to get through them.

mmom
,

Don't settle... "raybies" thoughts may have some merit, but prior to marriage is the time to find out, not after. Take the time to explore whether you can develop real love and feelings for this man. Don't assume it will magically happen after marriage. The opposite could be true, too.

ohiowhit
New Albany, OH

You nailed the answer - "...but I see by far more tears and more anguish from my married friends in loveless marriages than from all of my single friends combined."

This man who now adores this woman will eventually realize she doesn't adore him, doesn't desire him and just settled for him. How can that possibly make him happy too? Both could grow to resent each other.

If she's willing to learn to try to love him, why not expend that same energy continuing to look for someone she can fall in love with? I truly believe a prayerful search with work and effort to prepare oneself for marriage - the same kind of work and effort it takes to maintain a good marriage - will result in answered prayer. It did for me, but I know everyone's path is different.

Please don't make him into someone his wife settled for. You will just tear him down.

CHS 85
Sandy, UT

The answer is pretty simple. NO

JoeBlow
Far East USA, SC

There are far worse things in life than being single.

Being in a bad marriage is one of them.

voiceofreason1234
SANDY, TX

Read the book "Settling for Mr. Good Enough." Maybe that will help.

Moontan
Roanoke, VA

Good answers on both sides of this question. Raybies' response is worth serious thought.

Referring to the man as "so-so" is troubling. Lack of respect, if I'm reading it right. If true, forget marriage to him.

Try this: don't have a thing to do with him for two months. Not a call, text, email. Nothing. If you find yourself thinking of him, bothered by not communicating with or seeing him, you may have more serious feelings that you realize. If you don't give him a second thought during that time, there's your answer.

Love often comes after marriage. Remember that in your deliberations.

Goldminer
Salem, ut

In short: NO!!! Do NOT do it! I have seen far too many wonderful women looking for love and deserving it and marry short and then become very sad and bitter. DON'T do it!!

Deliriousdd
Benicia, CA

I think ultimately this should be a matter of prayer. But living in Asia, I have seen arranged marriages work. I believe there is no perfect person. Even someone who seems ideal has faults. Happiness in marriage is a choice. It takes work to make a happy marriage. I think that either you should put yourself in a position, and place to meet someone else, or you should consider taking this chance while you have it. Many women have held out for Prince Charming and have missed the opportunity for marriage all together. It's not "settling" if you are determined to make it work.

USA
Salt Lake City, UT

"So don't do that to yourself."

And don't do that to him, either.

Moontan
Roanoke, VA

Another take on this ... Show the man your letter to Angela. If he still wants you after reading it, you may be dealing with a saint. Marrying him might be a wise decision. I suspect most men would walk away when they got to 'so-so'.

Utexmom
Flower Mound, TX

Write down all of the things that make you think he is just so-so and analyze how important those things are in your life. Things can wear on you in time - things you didn't think were important before. If you take your time to get to know him, then it gives you time to see how important those things would be to you. You have the rest of your life to be glad that you were sure about this marriage and the rest of your life to be sorry that you didn't wait longer.

Dante
Salt Lake City, UT

Any of the comments could be accurate, even where they conflict, because no one has enough facts. We really have no idea just how eligible CL is. Nor do we objectively have any clue whether Mr. So-So is a hopeless case or a promising case. Much depends on whether mutual respect is even possible. some questions/challenges can be properly answered/resolved only through the exertion of considerable prayer and faith. In this instance, I expect that CL and So-So need to spend a few months dating and getting to know each other better. If she can come to love and respect him, maybe it could work. If familiarity begins to breed contempt, it won't.

Idaho_Boy
Aberdeen, ID

We can all offer an opinion on what this woman should do, but my advice is to look up to God. Prayer and fasting is the best advice I could give. God will give you an answer and whatever that answer is, it is the answer that will trump every other answer given here.

Now even if the answer is yes marry this man, it doesn't mean that your life will be full of bliss and ease. However if you know that God is supporting you in whatever the choice is then doubt and fear will be replaced by peace in your heart. Good luck.

"But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.

But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong;" Doctrine & Covenants 9:8-9

lds4eternity
Brandywine, MD

I grew up in a very rural, agricultural, isolated area. I knew many couples who married without a "true" love who had a happy family, good life, good children, and were well respected by everyone. They had and kept trust and respect between them always. You could pick them out easily, as they interacted as best friends, not lovers, but they made a good marriage out of it. As the world changed, and the isolation barriers were torn down, they would talk about true love as something new. But, they always remained faithful and happy with their mates, just knew that others had something they did not have. But, if you know farmers, you understand their understanding of the world is to appreciate what you have, not focus on what you do not have. So, they had good lives.

ulvegaard
Medical Lake, Washington

I had a friend years ago in a similar situation. Finally, she resolved that if it meant she would have to remain single for the rest of mortality, she would do so rather than to just settle for a marriage she was convinced would never be celestial (meaning not just getting married in the temple, but having a celestial life together before death).

Once she made that resolve -- within a week, miraculous events transpired which literally brought her celestial dream companion to her. They were married about a month later and it was all she had ever hoped for an more.

Don't 'settle' just because you don't see what you're looking for today. Good things come to those who honestly strive for them.

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