No one outside any marriage can truly judge the marriage, or whether or not it
should remain intact. Not every couple, no matter how badly battered their
marital relationship has become, cares to hang it all out their like a reality
show for the entire world to see and judge; even at that, no one could see their
hearts and minds. So can we please all agree, this has to be a call made by the
two people in the marriage? Given that, what we can discuss is the premise of
the article: being as kind as possible to the children as we can, and allowing
them to come through with the knowledge that they are not being divorced, but
still retain the love of both of their parents. My kids' dad and I did
that, and are still friends today. Can we stop looking for someone to blame?
That helps no one.
Re. Mom of six. Two wonderful people can make a marriage work. I've seen
people stay married when one of them isn't ideal. I know women who get the
baby blues and never come out of it. Their husbands know that a commitment is a
commitment and they make the best of it. I know a woman whose husband was
psychologically damaged in the war. She knew he wasn't the cause of his
problems and has stayed with him. In both these cases the children were blessed
because they didn't have to go through the agony of a divorce and they
respect the stronger parent because of their devotion and example.
The prospects of divorce are a horrifying outcome of a marriage that was
intended to be a lasting committment. Everyone loses. While I have no doubt
that there are effective strategies for reducing the pain of destroying a
family, and mitigating the ill effects, there is no denying that on any level
playing field, an intact traditional marriage is best for healthy happy
Mom of Six,I'm convinced that almost any two people can make a
marriage work if BOTH are completely devoted to the other. Divorce never
"just happens". It may be the result of poor choices going into the
marriage. It may be because a spouse is abusive, adulterous, irresponsible with
money, withholds physical intimacy, or neglects the other spouse in some other
way. It may be the sad result of mental illness. It doesn't, however,
"just happen." It can almost always be linked to selfishness on the
part of one or both partners.
50 years later, my brother and I still feel the pain of our parent's
divorce.Lovely that adults can "work together for the sake of the
kids", but they must understand that does not take away children's
pain.Second and third, etc. marriages?Well good for you, hope
eventually you get it right.However, obviously, that still does not change
the first sentence of this post.
Although I have been in a happy marriage for a very long time, those who are
saying that all divorces can be prevented are seriously wrong on this issue.
Sometimes divorce just happens. You can have two wonderful people who should
have never been married to begin with or you may have people in an extremely
violent relationship that should end it. The point of the article is that when
divorce happens it is time to be the "adult" and remember that if there
are kids in the relationship to do the right thing by them. Too many times as a
teacher, I see parents who use their children as a "toy" to fight over.
The results are horrendous when children are used as a pawn in the game their
No Llew, a good second or third marriage is not built on a "rock" of a
successful divorce. A good second or third marriage is built on what any good
marriage is built on; mutual trust, kindness, respect, fidelity and so on.
Simply because a first or second marriage did not last is no reason to assume
that NO marriage will last. Sometimes people take awhile to learn to choose to
give or to choose a person worthy of trust. Staying married for the sake of
appearance isn't any better as it can cause extreme mental anguish. I know
one woman who was committed to a mental hospital till she could give herself
permission to get a divorce. Love, compassion, and a shoulder to cry on is
what divorcing parents, and their children, need. It is a tragedy but one that
will define us only as long as we allow it to. I've seen divorced parents
work very well together. I've also seen them tear themselves and their
children apart. Shall we go back to the past and force people to live in
unhappy marriages? That has it's own lie that can affect children too.
As a child of the 80's whose parents split due to their own selfish reasons
there is and never will be such a thing as a "good divorce" and we must
stop this widespread idea that a good(second or third) marriage is built on the
rock of a successful divorce. It's a lie.
Before a divorce, ask yourself: Is my happiness more important than the
happiness of my children? Whatever pain you are feeling, it probably won't
equal the pain your child will feel. multiply that by the number of children
involved and you have a huge amount of pain. Most divorces are preventable if
the parents would just grow up and realize that love is not just a feeling but a
behavior; a way you act toward someone else. It's not what's in it for
you; but what's in it for your spouse.
You can't change anyone for you, they change because they want to.
The best way to protect and care for the children is for BOTH spouses to make
each other a priority and thus prevent a divorce in the first place. As
SomeClarityPlease has mentioned, less selfishness and more devotion from both
spouses would go a long way to prevent the problem.A challenge is
that one spouse can't do it alone. BOTH must be devoted 100% to the
Even better advice for the welfare of the children would be to be less selfish
in the first place and live up to your commitments and not divorce. Yes, there
are extreme cases that might merit divorce, but there are also a lot of
frivolous divorces out there, too. Be more understanding of your spouse and
their flaws and take your efforts to a higher level.