Comments about ‘Ask Angela: LDS women have unrealistic expectations’

Return to article »

Published: Monday, March 3 2014 1:15 p.m. MST

Comments
  • Oldest first
  • Newest first
  • Most recommended
Twin Lights
Louisville, KY

Both young men and young women can have unrealistic expectations. President Hinckley once said "Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to just be people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey…delays…sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling burst of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."

george of the jungle
goshen, UT

Back in the day when I was trying to find my girl. I was talking with a older man, he said you want some one that wants you. It takes time to find some people it's all of a sudden but some it a slow proses before it dawn on them that someone might love them.

george of the jungle
goshen, UT

How does that song go? If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife so as a personal advice to you, get an ugly girl to marry you.

?
SLC, UT

Can this fellow explain what are some real expectations LDS men and women can expect from each other?

AllBlack
San Diego, CA

"I’m open to the idea of finding someone who doesn’t ultimately fit the ideal. Most LDS women — and perhaps I should specify LDS women from Utah — are not"

I think he has a point there. I ran into the same issues years ago in Utah and had to find someone elsewhere. Back then if you weren't a returned missionary you were F grade and undatable for many girls.

Problem now, as it was then, is that when you say this or something similar to it, she'd reject it as you being the problem or that its an anti-mormon criticism.

Maybe people shouldn't look for specific, like RM or future job, and just concentrate on falling in love.

1.96 Standard Deviations
OREM, UT

The Young Man is right that it is hard to describe a complex situation in a single paragraph. The dating scene can be very frustrating.

After reading this follow up, however, it seems to re-confirm what we suspected from the beginning -- attitude and humility issues. I'm personally not impressed with his attitude or how he portrays himself in writing. This kind of this attitude can seap into how he conducts himself, and the women can probably perceive this and don't like it.

If this young man values being "honest" and "clear," perhaps pointing out two potential red flags will help:

1) Blaming and judging the women [in Utah] will not help your cause.

2) Saying, "But, when it comes to dating, I’m not the issue here." --- What?? You're not leaving any room for personal improvement or sacrifice to improve your relationship with someone else?

No wonder you are frustrated (and the women probably are too)! A little humility will go a long way.

caveguy
Sequim, WA

If you're a ball of "dating anxiety" you're not going to be very attractive to anyone. Relax. Stop hunting so hard and enjoy dating a variety of people with the purpose of enjoying your time together. These women are not the only ones with a checklist; it's obvious that you have one of your own. Maybe you're running into nothing but "princesses" because, subconsciously, that's the kind of person you're looking for. Then when you find "princesses" you get all upset because of their "princess" characteristics. If you go into the garden to get a tomato, stop looking in the celery patch. I contribute these thoughts having been blessed to marry the girl of my dreams 43 years ago. But it took 7 years for me to change enough, and for her to change enough, for us to discover that we were meant to be together forever. During that 7 years, we dated (not exclusively each other), I served a mission, and I served in the military. Only after all that, did we find out that neither of us could live without the other. Have faith. Work on yourself more than on the other person.

LittleStream
Carson City, NV

Why are you upset because the young women see themselves as princesses? Don't you see yourself as a prince? Didn't see the original letter so don't know if you are LDS? If not, why are you dating LDS women? LDS young men and women must hold themselves to a different standard for dating, and marriage than the world. I think you are probably too critical, if you think the three criteria are the most important to young LDS women, or you are dating the wrong women. I also think you have been very disappointed by an LDS woman because she didn't pick you. Hope I'm wrong.

The Scientist
Provo, UT

Just glad I met and married my LDS wife. Beautiful, talented, intelligent, accomplished, and willing to defy the Mormon nonsense that claims "LDS young men and women must hold themselves to a different standard for dating, and marriage than the world." Thank goodness for women who do not get caught up in such religious prejudice and discrimination, and who treat others has human beings rather than as "insiders" and "outsiders" in some controlling organization.

Jamescmeyer
Midwest City, USA, OK

As a frustrated man in the dating scene, and given the apparent general view that unmarried women are unfortunate while unmarried men are neglecting some kind of responsibility, I can't say I'm pleased with the kind of reception someone voicing frustrations in the same camp as mine is getting.

I don't blame sisters, but like anyone still unmarried at my age, I can't help but grasp frustratedly at some explanation, as though there were some single magical reason-some one thing to fix that would make it all better. Naturally, one idea that comes to mind is that it isn't my own fault. Itt's probably not actually anyone's fault, but sometimes I wonder-and I'm sure most in my position wonder at times-if there is some simplified, consistant problem with the people I'm seeing.

?
SLC, UT

Try becoming friends with those you are dating first. No doubt both single LDS men and women need to feel secure in each others company. It takes a leap of faith for both to give each other a chance and some things take time. In the mean time, save up for your future home and things you'd like to do with your future family. If anything, start planning how you will provide for your future kids and the quality of life you want for them. Talk to your parents about how much income they have to bring in to keep up with their monthly and annual expenses to get a feel for what you'll be facing some day. Sooner or later you'll find the person you will marry and you will then be better prepared for all that comes next.

donn
layton, UT

RE: The Scientist, I’m married to a Mormon, as well. I was married in a Mormon church and left the LDS Church when I became a Christian 13 years later.
Paul explains in this case the Christians married to non-Christians are not bound to the other (1Cor 7 :12-15). It is difficult at times especially but we are still married.

kimnprovo
Orem, UT

Quite frankly, movies, television and even some novels are partially to blame. Too many women have this fantasy built up in their minds of how it will be. Sure, some of it might be that they want what Mom and Dad have (which isn't a bad thing), but not realizing how long it took them to get to where they are today. Mostly though, it's these romantic notions that get into our brains and take over. How many women I know who have told me about how they expected to turn the corner and literally bump into "Mr. Right". Then they found that not only did they never bump into anyone, but they never really found "Mr. Right", so they married "Mr. I Can Figure Out to Make It Work". Problem is that while women have these romantic notions, men have these physical requirements that little, if any, women can live up to.

It's sad really, but true.

Tyler D
Meridian, ID

@Twin Lights – “Both young men and young women can have unrealistic expectations. President Hinckley once said…”

That’s a great quote…

A couple of formulas here are instructive…

Happiness = Reality minus expectations. Hard to be happy when the number is negative.

Also: Self Esteem = Success divided by self-delusion - where Success = (Persistence times learning from mistakes) minus failures.

Sorry for all the math but the bottom line is young people (anyone really) need to first know themselves and then try to let go of the expectations associated with things they cannot control.

But your quote said all this much better… thanks.

JoeBlow
Far East USA, SC

"If you're a ball of "dating anxiety" you're not going to be very attractive to anyone. Relax. Stop hunting so hard and enjoy dating a variety of people with the purpose of enjoying your time together"

Very true. But, that "dating anxiety" may be fostered by everyone around him. I have seen the pressure, then never ending questions, the disappointment when one is not married at a young age.

Everyone is not a robot. People are all different. The advice you get is typically one-size-fits-all. Whether from your relatives, friends or church leaders.

People should just leave others alone in matters like this. We are not all designed to be married at 22 and have 8 children. There is more than one way to live life.

E L Frederick
Sierra Vista, AZ

YSA man is absolutely correct. LDS women from behind the Zion Curtain are absolutely clueless when it comes to men. They are looking for Mr. Perfect, and by the time they learn that Mr. Perfect doesn't exist or already found his Ms. Perfect, they are well on their way to be becoming bitter old maids. YSA man would be much better off finding himself a good non-LDS woman who is open minded enough to honestly investigate the church.

(I'm originally from Davis County, and have spent about half my life in Utah. I'm just not living there now, and have no desire to return.)

The Scientist
Provo, UT

donn wrote:

"Paul explains in this case the Christians married to non-Christians are not bound to the other (1Cor 7 :12-15)."

Thank goodness neither my wife nor I believe such notions. Paul was never married, and some scholars think he had something against women. I don't place much stock in his ideas.

cavetroll
SANDY, UT

In my experience, some LDS women, especially here in Utah can be quite pretentious. As a Catholic, this perception can be greatly enhanced when a woman won't even give you the time of day. (I once had a girl say no to me for homecoming because she wanted to get married in the temple. We were in high school.)
Has YSA man tried to date simply for dating? No romance, no expectations, etc? Why not go out with his friends and even (gasp!) go to a dance club. You don't need to drink to have fun. You may even be surprised to find some LDS women there just having fun and dancing.

sally
Kearns, UT

Two expectations my daughter has in a marriage spouse is that he honor his priesthood and provide a survivable living for a family. I guess I could add that he brush his teeth and shower regularly. Oh, also one who can converse intelligently. Most of the men she knows fail in these areas. So, is she really that picky?

dotp
POTEAU, OK

I met my eternal companion 27 years ago this Friday. I wasn't looking for a partner at the time, but had been doing a lot of personal evaluation and was trying to decide what attributes I should look for if I ever did want a good partner as I had had two failed marriages, one before becoming a church member and one after with a non-member. I realized I needed to make some changes in my own ideals, so I did. I also realized, after talking to friends and my bishop that my FIRST step in considering a partner for marriage, was to learn if this was the one GOD had in mind for me. Long story short, I did this when I met my husband of the last 26 1/2 years and had it confirmed to me quite clearly that this was the one. Once that was confirmed I never looked back. Do we have differences? YES! Are they a problem? NO! We have learned to pray together and ask for help if the differences become too overwhelming.

to comment

DeseretNews.com encourages a civil dialogue among its readers. We welcome your thoughtful comments.
About comments