Well written article. The role of a father cannot be understated.
There were responsible individuals, churches, and organizations in the
60's, 70's, and 80's who told us that families are crucial, that
fathers DO matter. They tell us now that children are entitled to a family with
loving, dedicated parents. I believe that this entitlement is similar to the
"inalienable rights" proposed by the Founding Fathers of this country. I
like to think that this entitlement comes into affect at conception. The very
act that brings them into being also entitles them to a healthy family life.Surely, we can do better.
What percentage of this number includes the inner-city population where the
number of father-less kids is astronomical?According to several
studies, seven out of ten black children are born to single mothers.
Every child would benefit from a Mother and Father. It is the ideal. It is the
plan. We do the best we can when the ideal isn't possible.When
people stop seeing Marriage as a "right" and a "couple-centric"
union, and start viewing Marriage as a "responsibility" and a
"children-centric" union, the debate over same-sex marriage would fizzle
out.But, I'm smart enough to know that won't happen.
If one dad can do so much good, then growing up in a stable family with two dads
cannot be that bad. A situation which research confirms.
@WilfAnd until two Dads can actually "conceive" a child
together, we gladly conclude that nature or God or reason didn't intend it
Wilf 55, For walking two left feet are better than only one foot, but a left
and a right foot, complimentary opposites, provide the most stability. So it is
with kids and parents. An intact family with a mom and a dad, complimentary
opposites, provides the most effective stability for the development of
Wilf 55 a child needs both a mother and a dad. I was so fortunate to grow up in
a stable family. My parents loved each other and our home was peaceful and
loving. Unfortunately, I took it for granted. Now a senior citizen I see the
troubles my children have had through 2 bad marriages. My oldest from my 1st
marriage has had many resentments but now has a stable loving home of his own.
He realizes the importance of responsible mothers and fathers married to each
other. My youngest is in therapy and doing much bette although he is disabled
because of heart failure. My biggest regret is that I didn't pick better
husbands. Our society needs good responsible parents.
The only way this will happen is to get rid of this unwritten law whereas when a
couple divorces the woman takes the house the kids the vehicle and the man
leaves owing most of his paycheck for child support for the next 20 years while
she moves her new boyfriend in and gets away with holding the kids hostage and
not allowing the ex husband equal quality time with his kids. And this is not a
radical explanation. Its been happening for years and years and continues today.
@Wilf 55The gold standard is a mother and a father, united in matrimony,
with dedication to raising good children and competent citizens. It is not
always possible, but it is the best we as humans have to offer. As
far as scientific studies, in my experience, and in a general sense, there is
enough pro and con literature that people can pick and choose studies that
validate their position pretty easily. The only sure way to safety is to follow
another way, that of revelation and prophesy when it comes to matters of such
import as the make-up of the family. The life and words of Jesus
Christ are the rock upon which we must build. My recommendation is that if
someone is really struggling with same-sex attraction, try the word of God. Go
to the Mormons and Gays website produced by The Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-Day-Saints. You are a child of God. He loves you and cares about you and
“The U.S. has done a better job of integrating women into the workplace
than in integrating men into the family — especially into the lives of
children in the non-intact family."And women have been trying to
make the workplace a more FAMILY friendly environment for years but got nothing
but criticism from big business.I applaud any efforts to improve
working conditions for all in our country. Strong families can be the result
when moms and dads have more time to parent as well as provide economic support
to their families.
Wilf 55, would you share the research that you are referring to? I would like
to read it. Thanks.
Having a good job with a contract makes all the difference. For 30 years I have
listened to underpaid workers (FATHERS AND MOTHERS) speaking the evils
surrounding orginized labor. My children always had health care, a stay at home
mom, AND a Dad who could go to summercamp. Now as a semi retired Grandpa and
Grandma with a pension we can visit those in Utah, or we can drop everything
for our other children living here in our state (FL). Doctors sell labor by
contract, We want the protection of a contract when repairs are done on our
homes. When my union leaders messed up. I ran for office (and won) then I filed
state charges on a few bad apples. Most the union leaders I know are overworked
and underpaid. It's ironic, in the church I hear non-members repeat false
statements about my religion; In my church I often hear members repeat false
statements about my union.My religion helped me the most to be a better
dad. Driving the truck- JUST a job.
I grew up in the mid-west and had both my parents my whole life. Even though my
dad was a workaholic, he was there. I didn't have an active father figure,
in my dad out playing ball with me, or taking me hunting. It was actually my
mom who taught me to fish. My twin sister and I were adopted when we were 5
days old, and to be honest, we never fully fit in with the family. I have been
married for 40 years, I was there for my children, at their games and school
activities. I was active in their lives, and I'm active in my
grandchildren's lives as well. I'm on the Young Men's Presidency
at church and work with the younger boys. It's interesting teaching them
as I'm visually impaired, but I'm showing them a good example and that
if they need to come to me for advice or guidance, I will be there for them.
One of the keys is not just a FATHER--but a STABLE father.I have a
relative who came from a very unstable family. This person has made some CRUCIAL
decisions to avoid many pitfalls discussed in this article. But because of the
instability of this person's background, one of the greatest difficulties
for him (and his family) has been dealing with his lack of understanding of how
families work--stable families. Things like NOT making numerous moves
throughout children's lives, being careful of extended family members (even
protecting children from those whom are not nice or safe), and understanding
those "unwritten" rules for immediate and extended family members. This
person never had the example of a father to teach things like putting one's
self after one's children. BUT--even families whom have fathers do not mean
"stability" is actually happening. A father does not teach impulse
control who does not display it. A father does not teach a child confidence,
when he constantly screams or puts down a child. There is FAR more to it than
just having a "father" around.
Whoes fault is it i wonder ?And please don t blame it all on women ?
that is so lame
I have heard many "experts" or public social workers swear that
"anyone can love a kid like a bio-parent." This article seems to say
different. The simple matter is that "magic" occurs when a father knows
a little bundle of joy came from him. Stats show that it is much easier for a
father to sacrifice for his own children. The children know they came from him
and from their mother as well. We need to call out these social workers, common
in our grammar schools and in state agencies that work against bio fathers,
break our constitutional rights by "interviewing our child" without our
knowledge to dredge up something against the father. Slow them down, task them
and hold them accountable in support roles for Dads. No one knows the harm they
often do until they experience it for themselves. These agencies need to be
transparent to the public. They do much of their work in secret citing a need
to "protect" the minor. That is an open ended invitation to do whatever
they want. Withhold names, but not actions.
BlueEyesBrittanyI will blame men also in this area. I can speak from
a childs point of view having grown up in a single parent home. I am glad my
parents did not stay together, my father was very controling and still thinks he
is smartest person to walk the plant. One example is he did not believe I should
go on an LDS mission because he said I was not smart enough, yet I am one of
only two of his eight kids to finish college. With a father like that I am glad
he was not around, but at the same time I did see the positive of good fathers
from my friends. I would watch these fathers and how they were with them, I
longed to have that sort of relationship. I am a father now and I make mistakes,
but my children know I love them and am doing the best. As a results my kids are
not dealing with near as drama as I did and are just being normal good kids and
doing well in school. I would like to think my and my wifes efforts have
something to do with that.
Real Dads stay with their children, Sperm Donors leave them.
If we're as concerned about the well-being of children as we claim to be,
perhaps it's time to stop fussing about same-sex marriages -- where the
most recent studies indicate that the kids do just fine -- and put our focus on
solving the problem of single-parent homes. Like teenage pregnancy, growing up
in a single-parent home would appear to be a quick path to permanent poverty and
delinquent behavior for the children involved. I have no idea what
the solution is, or even if there is a solution, but it certainly warrants some
careful study and effort to change the direction in which many of us are going.
Some have commented here that it's better to be in a single parent home
than with an abusive father. My father was pretty abusive to me. As an adult, I
came to understand why he was that way. He grew up in a single parent home in
New York's old Hell's Kitchen district during the depression.
Spending much of his time on the streets, he learned to be tough -- tough enough
to become the Master at Arms on a battleship back when the MA was the roughest
guy on the ship. Unfortunately, not having a father at home meant that he never
learned how to be a good dad. No role model, no one showing him how to love and
care for children. Instead, he used what he'd learned on the streets to
dominate and control us. This also left us without a good example to follow with
our own kids.This, in my opinion, is the real failing of single
parent homes. Boys never learn how to be a father, and it carries on to
I am a father. My ex wife, her new husband and her biological child (who I
adopted), conspired to separate me from my son during our divorce. They
fabricated a story of me abusing my son, and the court bought it. My sweet,
sweet boy has been abused by a court system that ignores the glaringly apparent
(and typically successful) tactics against good fathers. I've been fighting
this terrible situation for nearly two years. Why doesn't anyone seek out
the truth of my situation and correct it? "Father factor"?? What a
strange phrase for indicating the critical role of men in children's lives.
Time to get over the presumption that only mothers are central to the
development and wellbeing of children. Reform the courts. Quit presuming that
a mother is the primary caregiver, and that the father is simply a money bag who
cares only peripherally for his children.
Eliyahu, I agree. And I would add that we MUST make substantial changes to a
family court system that often prejudices divorcing fathers. My exwife was able
to limit my time with my children during the separation such that she was
granted temporary custody (even though she had moved a man into my
children's residence). Then she used multiple protective order filings to
disrupt my relationship with the kids, and when that didn't work, she moved
them to SLC without court knowledge or sanction. When a custody evaluation was
imminent (and she knew she would be hard pressed to explain her behaviors) she
and her new hubby (and teenage son who was desperate to move) coached my little
boy to allege sexual abuse by me.
No criminal charges. No corroborating evidence. Indeed, a substantial and
significant pile of evidence to clearly demonstrate her foul play and motives.
Yet the court determined that since the child's interview seemed reliable
that I harmed my son. Thank heavens the truth really does provide some freedom;
certainly better than the lie that they will live with forever. But a little,
innocent child has been separated from his lovingand deeply devoted father for
nearly two years. What about him?
I am a Dad that was everywhere to be found, but despite attendance at most of
the functions that I was aware of have not had meaningful contact with my child
since the age of 10. My child was never available for my scheduled times.
The child is under the influence of her mother, and through no doings of my own
I am nothing but a wallet; this with a so-called "joint custody"
divorce. In two months my financial contributions stop at her 21st birthday.Parental alienation may be rare, but it is real. The non-custodial
parent (usually the father) has no recourse other than more lawyer bills,
something few can afford after paying child support. Until social service
agencies place equal emphasis on custody and visitation agreements compared to
collecting monetary payments, this problem will continue. Payments are
predominantly made by fathers to mothers, and mothers are usually given
more-than-equal rights. I have spoken with others in the same situation; all of
them are men who WANT to be fathers for their children.I look
forward to the rest of this series of articles.
Having both parents throughout a childhood is definitely the best situation.
Mother’s give an emotional comfort and a sense of protection but in the
same degree of importance a Father can provide moral advice and set
expectations, reinforced by examples. There is also a sense of leadership a
Father provides such that of a lion raising his cub. Even though my Father would
discipline me on a rather rare occasion if he looked at me just the right way it
would set the expectation to what may happen if I did something wrong or right.
In the some regard that a Father can encourage and set an example for their
children, if their authority is abused it can be a complete opposite effect on
Sorry donquixote84721 but some fathers are forced out of their child's life
only to maintain contact with other family members about the growth of their
child but never see them. I don't know if my father is dead or alive
because others thought it was in my best interest that he never have contact
with me. Unfortunately I have serious health issues and I need to know if they
are hereditary. This is so wrong on so many levels. My heart goes
out to those dads who try to stop the adoption of their child because the mother
walked out of his life to place it and lied about who the father was. In this
case he is not just a sperm donor.
@wilf.so the preferred family is NOT one dad and one mother?
children don't need good examples from both?
My dad was not there (and it was much better for us all), that did not prevent
me from achieving ... quite the opposite.... i did not want to depend on a man
for survival ..... And i was right to considering how very few are
A few years ago a young lady wanted to place her child up for adoption. The
young man's parent both alcoholics didn't want that to happen and
convinced their son to take custody of the baby so his parents could raise the
baby not him. The young woman decided it was better to take the baby home and
raise her child as a single mom then to let the baby be raised in a family that
was dysfunctional. Is there a right answer? I am not sure. Having a baby and
giving it up is a hard choice. If the mother truly believes there are reasons
that the father will not be a good parent then she should have to state her
case. But merely being there at the time of conception does not a mother or a
father make. And just FYI the boy nor his parent ever paid a dime in support
for said child. But in this world of one night stands does a man need to follow
up on all "events" in order to make sure he can raise a child? If the
relationship between the couple has ended maybe adoption is the answer.
I find it interesting that men are shouldering most of the blame on this issue.
More and more women are choosing to have children and raise them on their own.
Also, 2 of 3 divorces are initiated by the woman, mostly due to
"dissatisfaction". They also have a leg up in family court and are
awarded custody most of the time. Fathers are demoted to
"every-other-weekend" dads, and that's if the mother honors
visitation (which many courts rarely enforce). In order for these dads to see
their kids more, they would have to pay up and hire an attorny. If they
don't have the money, they're out of luck.
Former Ut and BlueeyesBThank you for your comments - they are spot on
concerning types of dads that influence, protect, and rear for good, their
children. Those, who did not have good fathers, have suffered consequences that
they have had to overcome.
former Ut and EvansrichdmThank you for your comments - many can relate to
what you wrote.
I don't have to read articles like this to convince me that a man and woman
are essential to success. God has spoken stating that the man is not without the
woman, neither is the woman without the man in the Lord. When God speaks, and a
man obeys, that man will always be right, regardless of what scientists, social
experts, politicians, or anyone else says.
Problem is police and prosecutors don't prosecute "Custodial
Interference." I have had only 1 parent time visit in the past 3 months and
there is little I can do about it. You file an "Order to Show Cause"
and it takes 3 weeks to get a mediator and if that fails then another 3 weeks to
get a court date. Worst I've seen is 30 days in jail and $1,000 fine
suspended but not enforced when it is still proven the mother is not complying
with the court order.By prosecutors and police doing nothing other
than filing a police report the courts are placing my children in a situation
that causes situations like this.