"On the other hand, if he’s like, “Hey, doing dishes??
That’s only a woman’s job!” Then break up with him."Sound advice. It's not about the dishes, it's about
partnership. Yes, roles do evolve in a long-term relationship as job and school
schedules change, but the attitude that "that's your job, because
you're a woman" is going to be hard to change. Unfortunately, many
times it was his Mom that taught it to him....Good luck getting this
schlub to change a diaper....
Watch how he treats his mother and servers in restaurants too. On a first date
if the man talks badly about every single ex or treats the server like garbage
there will not be a second date. He and the rest of his family were obviously
raised with their mother doing everything for them and your husband to be needs
to realize that you are NOT his mother. My ex fiance (with good reason I might
add) treated me like that and I put him in check immediately. He couldn't
stand it and fought it tooth and nail so three weeks before the wedding I
returned the ring and moved on. Best thing I ever did
I would get out NOW! He has learned from whomever what a women's role is.
If he would not help his mother their is no way he will start helping you. He
will expect you to be his mother and maid servant. I have gone through this
which ended in divorce. My ex husband sat around on the computer for hours or
laid on the couch while I did everything, including working full time. When he
decided he didn't need to work at all while holding out for a,
"management position" I could take it any longer and ended the marriage.
The saddest part is he was a horrible example for our boys. Now I have to really
work to teach my boys what a husband and father is supposed to do.I have them
look to their grandpa and my brother in laws for examples.
From my perspective how a young man treats his mother is a great indication of
how he will treat his wife. While parents may have agreed to define their roles
and responsibilities in a particular way, it should never be presumed that is
the way a future partner will want things to operate. I have encouraged my
children to look at the overall picture of how parents are treated not just one
specific event. While someone may not have helped with the dishes they may be
well practiced in cleaning toilets and bathrooms, which in a house full of boys
shows a great appreciation for their mother.
We both are getting older than we wish to admit. We still cook a family lunch
for the missionaries in our area. It is great when one or both of them stand up
and help take dishes to the kitchen. One or more of you young ladies are going
to find a cooperative mate with these young men who were well taught by their
parents.At the ripe old age of 76 with severe arthritis, their help is
more than welcome.
Run! Run! Run! I fully believe that how a man treats his mother is a sure
reflection of how he will treat his wife.
Speaking as a man, relationship is something that people learn to make
sacrifices for. If you are looking for a person who meets every single cultural
mannerism that you learned you probably will be daating for the rest of your
life. In many culturals women think that its unmanly for a man to be in the
kitchen cooking. Some women don't even like their man eating fook that is
cooked by some other woman.You should let the man be himself, and if
you can't live with it, then move on, but the worse thing you can do with
this man is start trying to teach him how to behave. It's not only
inappropriate, but disrespectful. You don't have to marry him, but should
you decide to, then it should be for better or worse and that means you need to
let him be him.Stopping looking at what the man is doing wrong and
try to "Catch him doing something right" by his mother. It's none
of your business the relationship that he has with his mother.
I think you are right on this. How a guy treats his mother may be indicative of
his expected role in his future family but it might also be just his current
understanding of his role. I think the gentle suggestion would certainly result
in your finding out if he is coachable and teachable.Something else you
might try instead of saying "let's help your mother" is "Hey
Ralphi, let give your mom some time off her feet and do the dishes." Then
as you do the dishes together, see if he knows where things go. That may tell
you more about how much he has helped Mom in the past. Whatever your (yours and
his) understanding and expectations are, you need to talk.
How does he treat his mother in other areas besides housework? I would
scrutinize that even more closely. How much respect does he have for her and
women? (That's a good indication.) It believe that's even more
important than helping around the house. It may be that he is willing to dig in
and change his ways with regards to housework, and really will for you. I agree
with Angela. Open his eyes and give him the opportunity to do his part. If he
does, great! If he doesn't, run.
Some women like the bad boys, and end up misserable. I thank God for a son who
helps me and his Grandfather. I work full time, and take care of my Father, and
my son helps me without asking, because he can tell I need help. Our family has
been a close family unit and we always looked out for each other. I think this
guy takes his family for granted. I would hold off marrying him, to observe him
more. He may have had an off day. I would not rush into marriage at this
point. If he does not treat his Mother right, do not expect him to treat you
many better, after being married for a while.
Do not rush into marriage with this guy...unless you intend to let him treat you
exactly like he treats his mother. He has been raised being allowed to be
disrespectful and that is a very hard habit to break. My thought is that you
need to "fix" this through a lot of marriage counseling before you ever
marry him- or run the other way. Personally, I'd run the other way. This
will not end well for you not matter which decision you make. Life's too
short-choose to be happy!
I rarely comment, figure there is usually enough good advice given there's
no need for my two cents. In this case after reading the comments I felt
compelled to comment based on personal experience in all of the above. First,
you can not tell how your future husband would treat you based on how he treats
his mother. It's possible, but not even close to a guarantee. How does he
treat others, nieces, nephews, siblings, friends and strangers. A mother child
relationship is not a husband wife relationship. It may be indicative, but
I've seen too many instances where that is not the case. I've even
seen a few instances where a man treats his mother better than his wife. I could
go further on this but won't. Next, this is understandably an issue for
you. so tell him your feelings. Don't make him guess. Marriage requires
learning and growing from both partners. Now if he treats everyone as a lesser
human being and is beyond teaching, then I would run. But if he has some traits
you are not fond of and is willing to learn, change and grow then you have
Don't make quick decisions until you've gathered all the data.
I've noticed that many families divide the work in specific ways that seem
odd to outsiders. Look, listen, ask questions, and withhold judgement until you
see the big picture in this family. And a gentle question ("why does your
family do things this way?") can open the door to a constructive
conversation a lot faster than an accusation. Good luck... spouses often
don't lose bad habits after the wedding.
I don't think there is enough information for disconnected readers to make
an informed opinion on this. There are many ways to interpret this. While at my
in-laws, I never ask to help with dinner and cleaning up since my Mother-In-Law
is picky about the way she does things and anybody helping out would just
irritate her and get in her way. Yet after 22 years of marriage, my wife would
be the first to defend me on the way I treat her. Is the fiance in the same kind
of situation? Is there more to consider that we aren't being told?I would wonder what bothers this man about his fiance that he is willing to
ignore and that we haven't been told about.
It goes both ways. I know women view mowing the lawn, taking out garbage, car
repair and servicing, and house repairs as a "man's job". So tell
me why they get mad about men viewing dishes, laundry and toilet cleaning as a
I just want to say, in the homes of myself and my daughters, the way the husband
treats their mom's shows up in the way they will treat their wives. You
love who you serve and if you didn't help the mom that transfers to the
wife. And if you don't help the wife you "fall out of love".
That's what I've noticed, over and over and over. My own marriage
fell apart and because of some counseling I had earlier when trouble first began
to storm "He didn't feel apart of the family because he had no
responsibilities around the home." We tried to give him some but old habits
never did change. They have in his new wife's house. He does dishes,
takes out garbage, makes beds, takes care of the animals, does some washing, and
a lot of other things in regards to her business. They have a happy marriage,
whereas his with mine, I did all that plus was responsible for the kids. He
never was helpful to his mom in the first place.
I agree with previous comments, the way a man treats his mother is a good
indicator of his thoughts about women, marriage and motherhood. I wouldn't
put my track shoes on just yet, but I would be sure they were near the door.
Talking to him about this could spark a firestorm and that would be another sign
of danger for you. Try involving him in chores just like Angela said, and
don't make it a one time "test" either. The way a man treats and
thinks about his mother is a major factor, or should be, in deciding whether or
not to take this relationship further. Think about these things too: how did she
react to this, was she involved in dinner conversation, were here thoughts
respected, how did she interact with her sons and husband. All these are things
you should consider. I suggest keeping those track shoes in your tote bag so you
can use them at a moment's need.
One word, "Run"!
Remember this first, we as in men, do not have an all seeing globe of
discernment. What I mean is, if you don't say what your issues are than he
probably will not know. Saying "Hey let me make you some dinner" while
he is walking out of the kitchen means my sweetheart is going to make me dinner.
My wife and I learned very early that communication is the only way to a happy
As a girl I was counciled "Watch how he treats his mom and that is how he
will treat you". I have been married 53 years and am glad I followed that
advice. I in turn have councilled young women with the same advice.
@Mugabe, who stated: It's none of your business the relationship that he
has with his mother.Did anyone else cringe on that one?! It certainly is your business because that is how you may be treated, or
worse. My boys treat their wives with the same tender kindness that they share
with me. Unfortunately, their wives can be so selfish, hurtful and mean
sometimes! I wish they had observed their wives interacting with a lot of
friends and relatives more closely before marriage.If I were this
girl, I would slow down the relationship while continuing to observe. If she
doesn't still doesn't like what she sees, GET OUT!!!
Yes, you are overthinking this. Or maybe you are not thinking enough.This is not about how he and his family treat their mother. It is about how
they treated dinner and dishes and a special guest on one occasion.This is not necessarily indicative of their daily habits and patterns of
living. Keep in mind, typically when they had dinner over the years, YOU were
not there! They probably behaved differently because you were the special
guest.To them, this was also a big deal - meeting the fiance! and
for all you know, the family tried to give him and the siblings time with you
instead of serving and clearing up after. With some families it would be
considered rude for everyone to get up and help with the dishes because it
implies that the special guest should do so, as well, and that is not being a
gracious host to the special guest.Chances are, you may have made
them uncomfortable by going against their attempts to be gracious hosts, and you
may have offended them by rejecting their hospitality and being a presumptuous
guest who inserted herself where you were not wanted.
We don't know enough to really make a great decision...but going by only
what was written, I would say it is foolish for some of the commenters to say
run away as fast as you can. Angela is right that talking about it is a definite
must.I guess my thought would be to turn it around and ask the young lady,
if he never cleaned up a dish for the rest of his life, would it still be worth
it to you to marry him? If the answer is no, the young lady herself might be the
one that is not quite ready for a marriage. She might be looking for a 50/50
relationship that is found more often in a business, not in a marriage. In a
marriage, one spouse often has to be willing to go 100% in certain things, for
the sake of keeping the marriage alive. It's called sacrifice and thinking
of someone else rather than yourself.How silly would it be for these two
to get married, only for the wife to leave one night because he did not clean up
one dish, after promising that he would.
I agree with the early communication thing. If it bothers you, bring it up
rather than let it fester. Some people are adept at seeing a need and pitching
in. Others won't hesitate when asked, but don't have a knack for
knowing when to jump in and help. Find out what to expect by inviting him to
help out and see how he responds.When my future father-in-law asked
me after 9pm one evening to cook up some steaks, I thought he was kidding. I
never eat that late, and I'd never cooked a steak in my life. So I
chuckled with him, and he cooked his own steaks. I did watch to see how he
liked them cooked, so I could pitch in another time, but I don't cook for
anyone at that hour! He passed away nearly 8 years ago. He was a great guy
with some old-school expectations. I wasn't bothered, my (now) in-laws
thought I was quirky, and we got along just fine. (Married 20+ years now!)
As others have already said, a son's relationship with his mom heavily
influences the nature of his relationship with his wife, just as a
daughter's relationship with her father heavily influences her relationship
with her husband.Also, a great way to evaluate someone is to observe
how they treat those who serve them, whether it's a mother or a server at a
restaurant. It gives insight into that person's true character.
Whether a man does cleanup and washes the dishes is not the only criteria on how
he treats his mother and will treat you. Sometimes, for example, a farm boy
works from dawn til dusk doing non domestic tasks. Marriage is not about
changing the other person to fit your model of theideal, but in wanting to
change oneself to please your partner. Shows how little I know but I believe
what I wrote.
What someone has learned at home is hard to retrain later. How a man treats his
own mother is very indictative of how and what he thinks about women as being
normal. Respect and self respect are primary importance in a relationship.
I would watch how his dad works with his mom. If his dad doesn't help,
then the likelihood is that he will see doing the dishes, cooking, etc. as the
woman's job. I think it would be a good idea to discuss it with him and
see what he thinks about what should happen in your home. If he says he wants
to help then have him do it and show you. If he says it's a woman's
job and that you will be doing all of that, then it's up to you to make a
decision on whether or not that's a deal breaker. Once you get the pattern
figured out, it's real hard to change it later.
I would do a little more exploring before getting to the "run!" reaction
others are recommending. It is normal for couples considering
marriage to go through a list of discussion topics. I think this is a good idea.
Every list will include who does what. Tell this guy pretty bluntly that you
expect equal contribution in housework all the time. See how he reacts. See if
he's willing to try it with a positive attitude. Someone who wasn't
raised to do housework will have a harder time seeing what needs to be done. See
if he wants to learn some more modern gender roles. If this
doesn't work out, then it is time to run.
I can only speak for my self, a lame brained pig headed absent minded guy. I
know she shouldn't of married me every thing was ageist it, even the stars
were. But she loves me, I love her.
"I don't like how my future husband treats his mom".+++++Then ask yourself if you are willing to put up with that kind
of treatment for possibly the duration of your marriage, if not you'd
@uwishtoo"Watch how he treats his mother and servers in restaurants
too. On a first date if the man talks badly about every single ex or treats the
server like garbage there will not be a second date. He and the rest of his
family were obviously raised with their mother doing everything for them and
your husband to be needs to realize that you are NOT his mother. My ex fiance
(with good reason I might add) treated me like that and I put him in check
immediately. He couldn't stand it and fought it tooth and nail so three
weeks before the wedding I returned the ring and moved on. Best thing I ever
did."And are you in a happy relationship now?
RE:I M LDS 2, maybe you are not thinking enough. This is not about how he and
his family treat their mother. It is about how they treated dinner and dishes
and a special guest on one occasion.God distinguishes father and
mother from all other persons on earth, chooses them and sets them next to
Himself, occupying the highest place in our lives next to God.Ephesians 6:2,3. Honor your Father and Mother”,which is the first
commandment(Not a suggestion) with a promise.
Without commenting directly on this incident , I always advise young people that
how your intended treats his or her family members is the best indicator of how
you will be treated when you become his or her family.
@Great Russ"It goes both ways. I know women view mowing the lawn,
taking out garbage, car repair and servicing, and house repairs as a
"man's job". So tell me why they get mad about men viewing dishes,
laundry and toilet cleaning as a women's job?"----It should
all be negotiable! Whatever works for THAT couple! I have a friend who LIKES
mowing her lawn. My wife has never mowed, but she does the edging. Whatever
works!Frankly, I'm surprised some of the commenters on here have
successful marriages, and would love to hear their spouses weigh in on whether
or not they rate their marriages as highly, because there is a whole lot of
JUDGING going on, few are leaving room for negotiation or communication, fewer
still are leaving the door open for change (or using the religious term,
repentance). The notion that "He will treat you just like he treats
his mother," or "the apple never falls from the tree," while nice
homilies, don't leave room for people to grow or change. I've done
more dishes in any one year of my marriage than in all my years in my parents
Any husband not willing to help not willing to help lighten the load of a wife
and mother of his children is not worth a whole lot. I would say tread lightly.
One day of not helping his mom with the dishes is hardly indicative of a person
as a whole. I never help with dishes at the in-laws or even at my own parents
house, but guess what, I do the dishes 80% of the time at home instead of my
wife. I don't expect others to help with the dishes when I have them over
as guests, I invited them over, they aren't expected to clean up my
house.I do most of the dishes in our marriage. My wife always does
the laundry, I haven't done a single load of laundry our entire marriage.
My wife always does the vacuuming and sweeping of the floors. I almost always
clean off the counters and the kitchen table and clean out the fridge. I take
out the garbage. My wife always makes the bed. I am usually the one to clean the
toilets and showers and scrub down the bathroom. I do 80% of the yard work, but
gasp! sometimes she even mows the lawn instead of me. My point being find what
works for your relationship and make it work.
I have to say first I think this is a good issue to think about before marriage.
What the best way to work out household duties is should be agreed
by a couple. If you want a husband who helps clean up after dinner, tell him
this. Make him show he will. And then consider whether it is really possible he
will do this long term. Then decide if you can live in married life if he
reverts to his current ways. If it is too big for you to live with, I say
don't marry the guy.He might change, but at this point, I
suspect you will at best have to struggle with him to help with the dishes for a
There is one big issue that is not addressed here at all. Does the husband live
with his parents, or does he live away. This may influence how he interacts with
them when he brings his girlfriend over for dinner.That said, I have
to say that in general children visiting their parents should pitch in and help
out more than they do. Maybe that is just my odd view.
Communication is the key here. ONE visit does not tell you too much about
what kind of husband he will be. All the folks here advising her to run
are sure reading a lot into the ONE visit.Talk to him...talk to his
mother...for cryin' out loud!
If I read the problem correctly, the issue was how he treated his mother with
dishes being the main example. The overall impression she received was of a
family that discounts/ignores the mom. I think Angela's suggestion to
invite him to help was spot on. She'll learn a lot from the response.
Discussions about "how did things work in your house while you were growing
up" will also be illuminating. Ask: what kinds of chores did you have
growing up, what did you/your family do for fun, tell me about your grandmas
(cousins, parent's sibs), what kinds of vacations did you take as a kid,
etc. All can elicit unguarded information about who your guy really is and his
family dynamics.Do keep your eyes and heart open. He may never be
the dish guy, but as others have suggested, looking at how he treats a variety
of people and observing what he does do overall will give a more complete
picture of the man. And FYI, if your focus in marriage is going to be his
faults and short comings, he might be the one who needs the running shoes.
"He knows I'm pretty progressive as far as relationships and he's
pretty progressive too..."Mmmm, let's not be too sure. Let
actions, not declarations, decide. In courtship, when we put on our best faces
to please our beloved, scenarios like this often play out:She (or
possibly he): "I love hiking and camping. It's wonderful to get out in
nature."He (or possibly she), having never thought much about it:
"Yeah, me too. We have so much in common!"Then a few years
into marriage, he (or possibly she) suddenly explodes: "No! Enough with the
camping already. I hate the mosquitoes / ticks / heat / cold / blisters /
marauding bears. Do what you want, but I'm sleeping in my bed this
weekend."I once happily flipped my views on an issue when I
learned that my new sweetheart was an activist for the opposition. That lasted
about 9 months, until she tried to get me to donate to what she believed was
"our" cause. To my own dismay, I heard myself blurt, "I think they
have enough money already." Don't pay attention to how
"progressive" he talks. Pay attention to how "progressive" he
1) If the entire family is this way, did they learn that from their parents, who
didn't teach them to help each other with chores? Was there an
understanding that after the meal the men were free to talk among themselves and
the women would rather just have them talk together than have a huge crowd in
the kitchen?3) Does he marginalize his mom in other ways, yell at her,
treat her in a demeaning manner, or purposely make her unhappy?4) Did his
mom ask for any help and he still refused to give it?4) How did the dad
react?I know two men that have had three wives, one still married to
the third; one divorced three times and since passed away. The
first one yelled and demeaned his mother, later his wife. It made me sick. She
finally divorced him. His 3rd wife stood up to him when he tried to bully her
and he folded like wet toilet paper, treating her better. The
deceased one was stingy and selfish with money because he was always poor
growing up and horded all the (his) money. Neither man was a very good husband
in 5 instances; thankfully one finally changed.
Additional thoughts:How does he treat his sisters, aunts, cousins,
grandparents, nephews and nieces, etc?How does he treat you? What
about your friends? Is he putting on a front for you and your
family but being a different person (himself) at his family?Is he
kind to children he doesn't know, such as at the store?
It's true that how he treats his mother is the best indicator of how a man
will treat his future wife, but I also like the question suggested by Daniel
Leifker, "Why does your family do things this way?" Division of labor is
useful but shouldn't be absolute. Because this young woman has herself been
simply left with the clean-up by her fiancé without explanation, I would
advise her to be VERY leery of continuing her relationship with him.
Many interesting and valuable comments here.Not sure what could be
added. I do know that I would personally be concerned if I saw a parent;
especially a mother not treated well. My grandfather and my father both
insisted that mothers be given total respect.I also believe that
people can always improve. Sometimes a person may not be malicious in their
actions, just lazy or unaware. Like some suggested, discuss the issue and then
see what results follow. Go from there.
I just want start by saying that I read the questioner's letter to be using
the dishes as one example of an overall pattern, not the only thing she
observed. Communication is great, and they need to establish a mutually
comfortable flow of communication before they even get engaged. Having
said that, actions speak truer than words. It is very easy to say yes, that is
how I feel too, or I believe thus and such. It is much more reliable to see a
person acting on those feelings and behaving according to those beliefs. If
their words don't match up with their actions, then the actions are more
trustworthy.The writer should be judging. Not judging her boyfriend, but
judging what her priorities are in life. No one is the "perfect"
spouse, but some traits will be an unbearable burr under the saddle for some
people, and thus must be avoided. The letter seemed to be describing a
burr to me. The writer needs to carefully observe her intended's actions
over time before committing to anything. She should also be hoping and praying
that he is doing the same regarding her actions.
"How he treats his mom" includes so much more than helping clear a
table! Did he thank her for the meal? Did he seem comfortable conversing with
her at dinner? I was always awkward about offering to help after a meal. Then,
in my 50s, I married my second husband. After a ward dinner, I was standing
around chatting and noticed that my husband was in the kitchen, washing dishes
-- or getting a broom or vacuum to clean up the floor. When the brethren put
away chairs after a meeting, he's the first to start working. His example
has changed my habits. I've learned to jump in, or at least to ask a
hostess what I can do to help. I'll bet anything this young man's dad
just sat there or retired to the living room. In this young lady's place,
I'd say, "Shall we help your mom?" His response would say a lot.
This is not about dishes. This is about fairness and equality. It's a
question about how much he will expect of you and how much he will give to you.
You can't tell those things from a small amount of information. You need
to talk with him, but not just about dishes.It sounds like you are
very worried you could get locked into an unequal relationship and feel like a
servant. Naturally, no one wants to feel that way. It is unlikely he will
understand immediately why this concerns you so much, but this is something very
important to you that will never go away. He needs to understand that and he
needs to understand why you feel that way. You need assurances that he does
understand and that how you feel about this really matters to him. You
don't need to know that he will do the dishes. You need to know that he
will care about how you feel.You need to talk. You need to talk
now. But not about dishes.
Blown away by "the how he treats his mother" comments! They are
off-point.I also thought Angela's advice came from 50 years ago, when
women tricked and manipulated men into doing things, as a habit."Instead, opt for the, “Hey, time to do the dishes — roll up
your sleeves and let’s get to work!” (This week it's dishes,
next week it's dusting, etc., as if he were a child)He has a
mother and a father: how they agree to handle the work in their home would
obviously be passed down to the son, so blame them, if you must blame
someone.And none of th covert stuff-- tactic."Sit
him down and say "The way your Mom does everything was shocking to me. I
think men and women should divide the work equitably. What do you think?"It is completely wrong to want to be a modern woman, but treat your man
as if he has to be broken in like a dog.
First, find out if that is what his mom prefers. Some women guard their
"domain" and may not even allow other women in their kitchens. I've
seen wives/mothers who will not allow their husbands to help with the
chores/babies, or when husband does help, they criticize the man's efforts
until the guy gives up. Then he gets criticized for not helping out. Make sure
you know what you are dealing with first, and how you respond to him.Second, if you want him to help you make lunch (or just stay to chat), you
have to ask him to, either until he catches on or you give up. Did he leave the
kitchen to go do something else productive, since it doesn't take more than
one person to make a sandwich? Have you asked him to make you a sandwich (insert
any other domestic chore)? What was his response? How does he treat/talk about
the opposite sex in general, or other people who serve him? Any red flags will
come up in that kind of commentary, which may or may not get passed off as
"just a joke" if you call him on it.
This woman said she offered to "make dinner" for her boyfriend. Then
she admits it was just a sandwich. Then she says that she is "nobody's
doormat" that this man might expect her to wait on him "hand and
foot" - b'c he didn't make half of the sandwich I suppose, the
sandwich that she offered to make for him. Are we in the "Twilight
Zone"? Is this individual not unreasonable? Those supporting her on this
thread seem to be attuned to this attitude. I would say that, unless I'm
missing something this man needs to look elsewhere for a wife.I tire
of this double standard. Do women automatically go out to cut half of the lawn
and empty half the garbage? Do men feel slighted when their dates do not pay
half of the cost? When gentlemen open the car door for their date, do they
insist she opens the door for them every other time? I actually get the
impression that certain women expect their men to be their slaves and that they
are "entitled" to that. I see this attitude all the time.
", I don't want there to be an expectation that I'm going to wait
on him hand and foot."Run away. Run away fast. Run away far.
This is a serious red flag. Get out now!
"I don't like how my future husband treats his mom" - when I read
the heading, I thought he was cussing or yelling at his mother. My advice to the
'future husband' is to run away from you as fast as he can. So you went to his house with a huge to do list of things he must follow? If
you think not helping with dishes is a big deal, girl you have a lot of learning
a head...and good luck finding a guy that help with dishes at his own
If you mutually agree to any sort of arrangement, like housework....GET IT IN
I'm not sure that there is a direct correlation. When I was growing up, we
helped with the dishes, but now as an adult, my mother doesn't expect it.
In my marriage, I help not only with the dishes, but with other household chores
as needed. It would have been erroneous for my wife to judge me based on how I
treated my mom. My advice would be to ask your fiance to help before making any
kind of judgements.As an aside, I can't help but notice that
almost all the questions (and complaints) to Angela come from women.
The other side of this question can be seen by the episode I had before I
married my husband when I went to meet his family. Not only did he work hard
all day on his father's ranch, he then played with the neices and nephews
instead of standing around waiting for dinner. I could see he would be a hard
worker and a full participant in our marriage -- and a great father.This isn't just about how he treats his mother -- he's already shown
that he thinks you should work harder than he does. Run -- run
Do not proceed with the idea that you can reform a man. It will never happen. If
he's going to change, it has to come from within him.
I know some people are going to be shocked at this statement: Not every mother
is perfect. Not every mother instills a desire to be helped, and frequently
because of their critical comments or rejection of the help received by those
who would otherwise be inclined. The fact other members of the family
didn't either may be supportive of my point. You can choose
your friends; you inherit your family. If momma ain't happy, ain't
nobody happy - it may just be a family dynamic that works regardless of
it's difference from your expectation.I'd tell the young
woman to watch how he responds to other women in different scenarios, places and
particularly if invited to assist - maybe at your own home or that of friends.
Honestly this is probably just how the guy was raised. He probably was used to
his mother constantly doing everything for him and cleaning up for him all his
life growing up and never learned that he was supposed to help out or show
proper gratitude when someone did these sorts of things for him. Basically his
parents didn't teach him self-reliance or proper manners. It's
unfortunate but it happens sometimes especially to guys who are "mama's
boys" and whose mothers never learn how to let go and treat them like
adults. Bad habits are hard to break. This guy is going to expect to
get a wife who will treat him the way his mother did, and in this day and age
that's probably not realistic. If this woman is not willing to wait on him
hand and foot, rather than expecting him to change, she probably should just
exit the relationship and move on to someone with different upbringing and
habits, while she still can.
I remember my mom telling me about when she ate dinner with my dad's family
for the first time. Every single one of his siblings ordered my Grandma around,
asking for refills or whatever else they did not have at hand. My mom even
spoke up and said, "Ya'll have feet, use them." Had my mom taken
that first impression and cut and run I would not have the amazing dad that I
have today. It turned out that my Grandma was so picky on how things were done
and serving her family was her way to show them how much she loved them, that my
Grandma did everything during meal times. It was simply how my dad grew up.
Today, my mom and dad work side by side in the kitchen. Every Christmas
my dad is at the waffle iron making waffles while my mom makes the eggs. However, I was engaged to a guy who joked about chaining the woman to the
fridge and that the woman's place was in the kitchen. He even said to his
mom on occasion, "Woman get me something to eat." In that case I would
I was engaged to a man who was raised in a family where the gender roles were
firmly entrenched. He didn't see anything wrong because his eyes
weren't opened. There wasn't anything wrong with him. When
we started dating, he 'told' me to get him a glass of water. The first
time this happened, I spoke up. I said I didn't mind getting it since I was
already up, but I would appreciate being asked. He looked at me like I had three
heads. He really was clueless. It took time and reminding, but he changed that
habit. I saw that change with his mother too. He no longer did it in his family
home.We have remained friends over the 20+ years. He treats his
mother with love. In fact, she lives in a mother-in-law suite at his home. He
took care of the children and is the main housekeeper doing laundry, dishes, and
floors. Don't run unless the man is unwilling to see that a
different dynamic could function.
From watching my own parents,I was determined to marry somebody who would be
helpful in the kitchen. My husband was always very helpful when we were dating
and has continued to be that way in the almost 26 years we have been married. I
have never had to ask him to help clean up. I think this is a major point of
contention for many marriages, including my own relatives'. I'm not
sure this is a deal-breaker but if he doesn't show a significant desire to
change, maybe it should be. It can be really difficult to change the way you