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Comments about ‘Ask Angela: 'Nagging Newlywed' responds to '24 years old, headed to divorce' discussion’

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Published: Friday, Dec. 27 2013 5:00 a.m. MST

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george of the jungle
goshen, UT

Prepare for the worst but hope for the best.

ohiowhit
New Albany, OH

When my marriage was ending, I did the same thing she has decided to do - gave every possible effort to save it. That way if it does end, you can have relative peace knowing you did all you could. Love is a choice, and marriage is a choice. Two people who decide to stay married and in love will always stay married and in love. But it does take two making the commitment and effort. I hope you stay together!

1Observer
Cottonwood Heights, UT

One of the tragedies of our electronic world is that we are losing our ability to stay personally connected to people. It is ironic that these tools are supposed to help us "stay connected." In my own life I try to avoid drive-throughs so i can connect with merchants face-to-face. I am trying to avoid texting where a phone call would work. With my children I forced them to turn off games, iPods, etc and have a conversation. All of us need to turn off the electronic world and re-connect with people on a personal, face-to-face level. It will make for a fuller, richer life and hopefully will lead to less of the kinds of situation this young woman faces. It is tough for a real-life person, in a real-life relationship with real-life challenges to compete with a fantasy game designed to help people escape or avoid reality. Best of luck to this couple.

John Pack Lambert of Michigan
Ypsilanti, MI

This reminds me a lot of the situation I was in with my ex-wife, at least the depression, although I doubt I would be described as totally lazy, just too prone to anger.

The fact of the matter is that in LDS theology the thing to save is the marriage. Especially if the marriage was in the temple. We make solemn covenants before God there. Divorcing is a violation of those covenants. Is it justified in some cases. Yes. However there is clearly something worth saving, and putting forth effort and trying to save it is the key.

I know I am being very daring by making this post. I have spent the last nearly nine years trying to figure out how I could have done better than I did and avoided my marriage collapsing. OK, when I was not just trying to avoid thinking of it at all. It hurt, and it probably partly happened because of things than were not understood then. I just hope this couple avoids that course. I think they will both regret divorcing over "laziness", especially if there is clinical depression involved.

Spikey
Layton, UT

Love and luck to you honey! It sounds like you have your head on straight.

John Pack Lambert of Michigan
Ypsilanti, MI

Talking to a bishop is good and needed. However talking to a marriage counselor is absolutely needed. No matter what the bishop says, talking to a marriage counselor is needed. However talking to a marriage counselor is not enough.

The husband needs individualized counseling for his issues separate from the marriage counseling. He may also need psychiatric help. I feel bold in saying these things because I need both these, and still think my marriage might have survived if we had ever gone to marriage counseling, at least I would not have that doubt.

Lastly thought, the husband here is addicted to video games. Let me repeat he has an addiction. Part of me wonders if there may be other addictions and is afraid what will happen if all is revealed. However even if it is just video games, he needs help specifically with his addiction. I would strongly recommend that he goes to the LDS Church's Addiction Recovery Program. Even if he is not yet willing to admit video games is an addiction, I would recommend the wife seek out a Family Support Group of an ARP to attend so she can better understand the issues of addiction.

midvale guy
MIDVALE, UT

If we are to follow God, marriage is a sacred institution and the only reason for a anyone to divorce would be sexual infidelity Or if the spouse turns away from God. Playing video games to this extent is a form of idolatry and maybe even getting married so that you can have a "woman" is also a form of that same idolatry. I believe they should seek the answer together ( through counseling and therapy if necessary) and find God and in turn they would find each other and get this out of their lives. This is a big problem in our society. with all of these forms of idolatry available from when we are very young we do not follow the word of God and all of the isms follow. I understand addiction very well, I'm a recovering alcoholic and parts of this story are my own.

ca2000
West Wendover, NV

I have a wonderful psychiatrist through LDS Family Services, so I think a Family counselor through them would be beneficial, and individualized therapy or counseling is available also. That arrangement is made through your Bishop (or Branch President, in my case). Good luck to you; life deals us some pretty tough issues to get through.

John Pack Lambert of Michigan
Ypsilanti, MI

After having read the initial article and all the feedback there, I came up with another issue.

I think there is a problem with the on-line gaming as an addictive, and withdrawing behavior. However, I am not sure that it is directly connected to the husband not getting a job. I was unemployed for a year and a half. It really helped me feel better when I went and met with a member of my ward who gave me a lot of advice on writing a better resume. It made me feel better when I went out and talked to people in person about getting a job. However I got my current job by finding a link on the LDS employment cite, applying, coming in for a test for that job, then following the advice given there to apply for a different job with the same organization (I work for Detroit Public Schools). So maybe the husband is actually doing more towards getting a job than the wife gives him credit for. That would help a lot to praise him for putting in well thought out resumes, and spending a half hour doing an online job test.

Go West
Taylorsville, UT

Addictions are pain management. AA or LDS Addiction Recovery Program is very helpful. It helps depression too.

John Pack Lambert of Michigan
Ypsilanti, MI

Even if your husband gets a job tomorrow from one of those job applications that he filed out when he gave into the nagging, or maybe when he was being self motivated and not depressed, talking to at least your bishop and probably a professional counselor is very advised.

The issues will not vanish if he starts working, although they may manifest in slightly different ways. Since he does have depression, the issue of medication should be brought up. Does he need medication? Does he have it? Does he take it?

antodav
TAMPA, FL

I'm glad she is going to give it a chance instead of giving up on it so easily as is far too common in our selfish society today. Every marriage has difficulties that have to be overcome and putting forth the effort to do so—with God's help—yields enormous blessings.

MKLA
Santaquin, UT

Is he willing to eliminate the video games from their home completely (maybe occasionally go to a friend's house to play, but keep them out of their home)? A lot of people have a problem with something that they get caught up in and it sucks away too much of their time--for some people it's video games, for some people it's Facebook, for some people it's TV, for some people it can even be spending too much time reading and too little time doing other things that need to be done. Sometimes we need to recognize our weaknesses and take steps to distance ourselves from our own personal time sucking temptations.

A Scientist
Provo, UT

I am disappointed that the religious people I read about here have such struggles with marriage. There is talk of god and spirituality and sin and righteousness -- none of which has ever played a role in my three decades of successful marriage.

My LDS wife and I did not get married for the sake of marriage. We have never thought that a marriage is the thing to be saved, as if that thing is more important than the people. We fell head over heals in love with one another three decades ago, and have just continued loving.

It has never been about god. It has never been about the chore of keeping a marriage together. It has never been about sharing "spiritual" or religious life, or about putting god first (did you marry god?!), or obeying the commandments, nor is it about our relationship conforming to some ideal that a Church or a therapist might compare us to.

It has been about helping each other have joy in life!

The religious idea of marriage seems to be getting in your way.

LDS Aerospace Engineer
Farmington, UT

I commented on the last article --
the naggingwife, who neverthinks I'm good enough.
[married30yrs, work50+hrs/week, goodmoney, HighPriest, TempleWorker, 4grownkids - all RM's, templemarried, eaglesscouts, etc.]

Years ago, I'd had it -
I went to our good Bishop.

I'll share the advise he gave me.
He asked:

"Have you done EVERYTHING you can to save this marriage?
Because one day, Christ will that same question.
If you can look Him straight in the eye and say without any reservation -
Yes,
then he'll be good with it [meaning, divorce].

He doesn't want us to quit because it's the easy way out.
Life is a test, and the Lord must have seen YOU as the blessing SHE desperately needed.

But, He understands we all have our limits.
and once you think you're there, the Spirit will let you know."

20 years later, I ponder those words daily.
One day at a time.

FYI - We are still together.
Goodtimes, andquitefrankly -- bad.

But I better understand the Gospel,
and I more fully appreciate the Atonement,
which will make ALL things right in the end.

Agency, the choice is yours.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you.

JSB
Sugar City, ID

I'm surprised that there aren't more comments about children who will be greatly affected by the nature of the relationship between the parents. Consider your children. Even if you really love the guy, what kind of father will he be? That, to me, is the most important question. Don't risk the happiness of your children on a hope that he might get his act together.

Big C
Murray, UT

A marriage relationship is worth saving, yes. It is worth fighting for. But there comes a point where one person in that relationship has done everything they possibly could... turned over every stone to try to salvage, fix, improve. But, when there is another person in that relationship who (for whatever reason) does not do the same, then there is no relationship. There is no marriage. Something so impossibly out of balance cannot continue "forever." I was in one of these out of balance relationships for over 20 years before I came to that conclusion (or admitted it, actually. I was in denial that my relationship might possibly end). I did absolutely everything I could do. The other person wasn't as invested as I was. Period. That was/is painful to deal with. It is not you. It is them. Until this husband puts forth some genuine effort himself, out of his own free will, the wife can go to any sort of therapist, bishop, lawyer she wants (even with the husband in tow) and she won't be able to "fix it."

Girl Talk
Farmington, UT

I would like to refer to the comment I made on the original article. People do not change - unless they want to, or have a desire to change. The fact that he revealed he suffered from depression prior to the marriage, is an indication that this is who he is. You have seen (early on fortunately) who he is. You can decided to live with this or move on. The key is wether or not he is willing to put forth effort on his part, to improve the situation. So often those suffering from depression will turn to tools to deal with or escape from their feelings. Those tools include drugs, alcohol, and even video games. He is using video games as his tool to escape from (or avoid) the reality of his depressive state. I have to agree somewhat with the scientist (although he does not completely understand the importance of spirituality and relationships). If you are not both striving to make each other happy, you will have a long and miserable existance, and that unhappiness will carry on to your future children, if you stay with this man in this siuation.

midvale guy
MIDVALE, UT

@ A Scientist

I am happy that your marriage has went well for 30 years. I have also been married for 30 years this coming year. I agree that a joy filled life is the goal. I did talk of God and marriage being a spiritual experience. Your " disappointment with religious people" is simply that. The only person that brought up righteousness was you. I'm sure you have had some struggles 30 years of marriage and were able to overcome them without God's help evidently. I have personally found it easier to ask for help from God. To be honest, I couldn't stop drinking without it and I would not be celebrating 30 years marriage this coming year. in fact, I may not even be alive now without it.

Sneaky Jimmy
Bay Area, CA

Please get your husband on some sort of anti-depressant. He plays video games constantly because he has anxiety and depression. Gaming gives you a "high" and makes you feel good about yourself. Get him on some medication. You may have to experiment until you find the right one for him.

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