I have a 23 tree old son who was married ten months at which time his wife left
him. Her reason for leaving was because my son 'got mad' at times, and
her expectations (that were set by her father's example) were that husbands
should never get angry.Unfortunately this goes to show that some
people have completely unreasonable expectations of what married life is like
and all the marriage counseling in the world cannot fix the problem.Your plan is a good one however don't be afraid to end the marriage if
counseling does not resolve the issues. You are very young and will have plenty
of opportunities to find someone who is willing to work to make a relationship a
This young man needs a job, not a medication.Too many people put all
their faith into pills for their answers to life's problems.It runs
against the Gospel.
I don't intend for my comment to come across as saying that you
haven't tried, or aren't fighting to keep your marriage. I simply
mean to echo an earlier comment that said something like, "What is there to
save? A Marriage!!"Keep trying, keep communicating, keep
seeking guidance from your Bishop, a counselor, and God. Good luck!
I haven't had time to read all of these comments, so please forgive me if I
am covering ground already covered. I am no marriage counselor or expert, but
my experience may help someone, so here it goes. I divorced my first wife after
only 15 months of marriage. Actually, she divorced me. Details aren't
important, and I don't intend this to sound like it will, but long story
short, she gave up on our marriage. She moved on to another before ours had
even begun. This broke my heart, and when she served me with divorce papers, it
might have been the lowest point in my life. However, with all the rage,
disappointment, and countless other emotions, I couldn't accept that my
marriage should end without giving EVERYTHING I could think of to save it. It
was never going to be enough to save a marriage that only one person wanted to
save, but I had to give all I had so I could live with myself. After all, I
made vows and covenants, and I wanted to do my best to keep them and make sure
there was no hope of reconciliation before I relented.
I also commented on the original post. I agree with doing all you can, and your
order - Bishop, Counselor, Lawyer, as long as you don't stop at Bishop...
However, resist the temptation to "settle". If you don't see
significant enough changes at a significant pace, consider that it may be enough
of who he is to damage your future happiness and that of your future children.
It's prudent and noble to do all you can to save the marriage, but
don't stay stuck if he doesn't do the same with results.
Not everyone who plays video games is a deadbeat or addicted and has to play
everyday. Lots of people play and have normal lives. Just want to make that
Gaming is an addiction. Women need to know about it before they marry a man.I have a 19 year old that can't stay away from it. Best of luck in
finding your solution.
I would like to address some of the comments here ... Primarily the ones that
say "you need to make each other happy" I would submit that is the
wrong way to look at things. happiness comes from within and it is not up to us
to make anyone in our lives "happy". We have an obligation to look
inside and determine what makes US happy and work to improve those things and in
so doing we find happiness WITH others. I spent the first half of my
life trying to make my mother happy. and failing miserably. I spent the next 13
years trying to make my ex-wife happy and failing miserably. I failed because I
did not realize that THEY were unhappy inside themselves and it was not my place
as a child to fix that for my mom, nor was it my place to fix my ex. I could
walk the journey with them, I could support them in decisions they made, I could
give them love but it was not my place to give them happiness. took me two years
after my divorce to figure this out.
My first thought is .. you didn't see this when dating? However I I do
realize 'love is blind' has a lot of truth to it.You need
to let him know this isn't what you expected and you aren't happy with
the way things are going. (probably already done that).Next you need
to decide if this is worth it to you. If not let him know you are going to look
for a better situation and bid him (in the spirit of love) to do the same, to
find a mate that is as into gaming as he is.
Bishops are not perfect, but the advice provided by most caring, sincere bishops
can be excellent. With respect to personal problems, I believe bishops provide
excellent, inspired advice about 70% of the time. The other 30% of the time,
they they either seem unable to connect with the issues, or their advice arises
more from their own firmly-held beliefs/prejudices than from inspiration. Some
bishops seem able to provide inspired advice over 90% of the time.The advice couples receive from marriage counselors can be all over the map.
Maybe 20% are excellent, 40% are good, 20% are unhelpful, and 20% do more harm
than good. This can vary by counselor and by the nature of the problem.I would have greater trust for a bishop who also recommends a qualified
marriage counselor, especially to diagnose and treat underlying psychological
issues. The couple needs to pray with full purpose of heart for inspiration in
knowing what advice to follow, especially in knowing when a marriage counselor
is sufficiently helpful and able to connect with you as a couple. It's okay
to shop around a little. Be wary of counselors wanting to set up long-term
counseling relationships--unless the mental health issues are severe.
I once had a wise person tell me that when you're dating it's easy
because you see your partner at their best with all their makeup on, putting on
their best show and dressing nice and trying to make the best impression on each
other. When you've decided to commit to each other and marry in sacred
places under sacred oaths that's when all the makeup and dresses and show
melt away and you start to really see the person you married. That's when
it becomes harder and you have to learn that despite the weaknesses of your
partner you will love and honor them anyway. Love seeks to uplift and encourage
when selfishness seeks a way out. It wasn't easy when I saw my
wife's flaws for the first few years of marriage, but I decided that I
loved her and would make it work and do everything to uplift and encourage her,
knowing she had to put up with my flaws as well. Now I love her AND her flaws,
not despite her flaws.
This may sound crass, but have you tried the direct approach?
A young married man - or any married man of working age - needs to work fulltime
at something designed to provide for his family. If he has a job
that pays well, wonderful.If he has a job that does not, he needs to be
working above and beyond that to obtain the skills to get a better job.If
he has neither, he needs to:a) work full-time at job search and part-time
at gaining new skills orb) go to school full-time and work part time.Only a man with a good paying job has time to play video games. And that
man should be playing with his kids or wife instead - because his time is
already at a premium.That said: video gaming is an addiction. When
it is, a video gaming device should be no more welcome in a home than would a
liquor cabinet in the home of an alcoholic.
I just have to say, Angela, it fascinates me that you do these follow up
conversations. They push your advice column up another notch. Please keep on
doing them when you have the opportunity.
I generally agree Lentzeh. Hopefully she's in tune with the spirit. I think I just have an idea of where this thing is heading. If she
paints an accurate picture, her husband needs help. I think she has a role in
that help and perhaps in some of the issues facing the marriage overall. But
divorce happens to people all the time, even to good and faithful people in the
LDS church. It doesn't have to be crippling or life defining. However,
divorce is hardest on the children. For 9 out of 10 children, divorce is a bad
thing, it makes their lives harder on some many levels, and more than just
beyond their childhood years. I would prefer things end before children are
caught in the middle of this. To me this is a "life learning
experience" children can do without (at least in 9 out of 10 cases)...
Video games are definitely addictive. Just search online under "video game
addiction" or something similar. It can be as bad as hard drug addiction.
Now that it is easier to access these games on iPhones, iPads, GameBoy, etc., we
see the addiction setting in with even 3 year olds. They make great babysitters
don't they? But we are at the same time killing our kids. A great
majority of these are subtle (or not so subtle) in there presentation of
violence as a cultural and psychological norm. I remember in the 70's when
they first started coming out, I would not allow them on my computers or in my
home - I still don't! The only one I've ever had on my handheld
device is a simple hang gliding skill game I play maybe once a month or less. I
have always thought it was a rather direct application of Isaiah 2:4
"neither shall they learn war anymore". Call me obsolete I guess.
Prediction: This marriage will end in divorce.Divorce takes
commitment but she's not committed to her marriage or her husband.
She's too busy hedging her bets by including a lawyer in her plans. She
wants to look good in the future. She wants people to believe she did everything
she could to save the marriage but she is the victim. But one thing she
won't do is wholly commit herself.If she's that way in
marriage, I'm willing to bet she's the same way in other aspects of
her life.- Will she ever give an employer her full effort when she's
at work?- When she has children, will they ever really get all of her?- Is she only in the church until it becomes inconvenient to her?I
descend from a long line of divorces including my father with seven of them.
After my mom divorced him (due to physical abuse that nearly cost her life), she
brought our family into the LDS church. Since then, we have not had one divorce
in the family (out of 15 marriages). It hasn't been easy. It took total
commitment and forgiving, unselfish hearts.
Howard Beal, I share your concern for children of broken homes, which is why I
have worked so hard to heal my marriage instead of throw it away when things
were most difficult. However, what ifs are not always a good way to move our
lives forward. There is only one source for the very best way to solve the
problem for Nagging Newlywed, and that is to ask for and follow the advice of
Heavenly Father. The rest of our advice is worth nothing unless it brings her
to that conclusion. He only can know which challenges are worth the cost of
fighting to overcome them. For instance, the damage that was done to our
children early on was worth the cost because they witnessed how to be healed
through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. When they faced challenges in their own
marriages, they knew how to overcome them and they had the determination to
follow the path they had been taught, while receiving comfort from loving
parents that they knew understood their struggle.
I guess I might have sounded heartless. But what about this scenario. She
hangs on, which seems to be the consensus with the romantic crowd here, they
have a couple of children. Things never really get better and then she decides
to divorce. I'm all for ending things before this point. She
definitely needs to avoid getting pregnant at all costs until some of these
issues are resolved. I guess she could give it more time but I think going too
much forward without improvement to the relationship is problematic. I wish her
(and him) all the best. But again, to me getting divorced before having
children is better than getting divorced with children or living in an unhappy
marriage for years and years with or without children.
Earlier, I explain how I obtained help to overcome challenges of marriage, but I
need to explain my role. First I had to accept that I should not try to change
my husband, only he could choose to do that. My job was to change me and the
way I responded to his actions. My example was Jesus Christ and those who
followed Him. I prayed, fasted, and studied both scripture and the sciences
with the question how I could be more Christlike and understand how to help my
loved ones see for themselves the love God has for them. My son described it as
allowing them to see the light in my life. I had hard times overcoming my
weaknesses, but the amazing thing about changing my focus from my husband's
weakness to my own, he started to change his focus from excusing his weakness
because of my overbearingness to wanting to change because of his love for the
Lord and his family. The Lord revealed to me the root causes of my
husband's struggles and how responding to these challenges according to
God's will gives the power and wisdom to overcome all things.
Rather than a second round with the wife, I'd like to hear the
husband's side of the story here!
Having a 37-year marriage joyfully survive a very difficult beginning that
included abuse (both physical and mental), infidelity, addiction, and
depression; I advise you to ask the Lord to help you know how to proceed. On one
particularly evening when my heart was broken, begging the Lord to help me know
how to feel, the Lord filled my heart with His love for my husband and His
assurance that if I patiently listened to His counsel, my husband would overcome
His weaknesses and I would find eternal joy with my family. Gradually, after
following His counsel, my husband has become a changed man -- my knight in
shining armor. Our children and grandchildren thank me for sticking with my
temple covenants, even though there were many times when my children were
younger that they begged me to divorce him. There were many tools, some you
have mentioned, that God chose to help me overcome these challenges. However, I
would NOT recommend medication without a therapy such as Cognitive Behavioral
Therapy, which helps the person change their thought patterns and behaviors.
Otherwise the medication is only another form of addition.
Well, if you are already making plans to see a lawyer, your marriage is over.
If your husband is a good person, you can fall in love with him over and over
again. Don't make decisions based on your feelings. You're right,
you should have learned more about depression before you accepted the ring, but
better late than never. Your marriage still has the potential for a lifetime of
happiness and fulfillment, but not if you want to walk away at the first sign of
trouble. If you were serious about your vows, then get serious about helping
him instead of yourself. When he's healthy and happy, then you can think
about yourself for a minute. Fast food containers are disposable. People are
I always think about the scripture that talks about how The Lord gives us
weaknesses so we can be humble. So when our spouses have weaknesses, we should
remember that The Lord is working with them to teach them humility. Some of
their greatest character traits could have come from having these weaknesses.
I'm glad that NN is planning to get professional help, because I think that
her husband, once he learns what he needs to learn, will change.
These symptoms sound very familiar. As the daughter of a depressed/anxious
parent, and as a sufferer of depression and anxiety myself, I BEG YOU not to
give up on your husband!!!! This is a tired comparison, but still true: would
you divorce him if you suddenly found out he had diabetes?!?!? No way--you
would rally the troops to help him! Mental ILLNESS is a REAL
illness. This is not your fault or his. He needs medication and counseling.
You need counseling too, not from a marriage counselor, but from someone who has
lived through a spouse's depression. I will be eternally in awe of and
grateful for my mother's choice NOT to leave my depressed father. Hers was
a conscious choice, made after years of pain and frustration, followed by years
of self-education, followed by several months of shopping for a good counselor,
followed by a couple of years of personal and couples counseling, all the while
fasting and praying for help and guidance. As it turns out, this patience on my
mother's part is what finally convinced my father that he had any
self-worth (after a very painful childhood).
I'm single and happy. In certain segments of society, being single in your
30s is very stigmatized. However, I know for sure I made the right decision.
Don't give up. Marriage is not easy. We have just celebrated our 69th
anniversary and it has taken all these years to really get to know each other.
We have a great posterity of almost 100 and are so greatful that we have endured
all the trials that have come up over these past almost 100 yars. My advise is
Don't forget to Pray, and remember that it takes two to make a marriage.
As people said before, use less friendship and counseling from the outside
unless you do it together. The church leaders always adviced on coming closer
together with the first obstacles in marriage. This your chance, but you going
to ruin it letting others talk into you instead of you two !Another
aspect of this situation you might mind is , as the flow of thoughts into his
mind are dominated by others, esp. media and online, you both have less space to
share with each other. You too should ingage in with him talks only and to
others with him only.That way the spirit is honest, it will lead you both
onto better ground, and it builds trust.I can tell you from personal
experience, you lose him on ground of sneeking behind him to solve problems, you
might lose him forever.The advice for bishop, counselors and friends is no
good if you exclude your husband from it, building a kind of mistrust.
Are there any children involved. If not, move on. Yes, it would have been
better not to get married but unless there is some compelling reason, like
children, to save this thing, cut bait and fish again.
Most marriages are more or less hell for the first year or two, but if you
humble yourself and romance your spouse YOU can fall in love, YOU become more
patient, and then TOGETHER you can build a marriage that is more or less heaven
going forward.“Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is
going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been
robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most
children grow up to just be people, most successful marriages require a high
degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life
is like an old time rail journey…delays…sidetracks, smoke, dust,
cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and
thrilling burst of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have
the ride.” Gordon B. HinckleyMarriage is a lot like having
kids. Kids are most often frustrating, but the thrills and fun moments, though
less frequent than the difficult and mundane, are very much worth it!
@ A ScientistOh, bless your wife. She's a saint
Marriage (and temple marriage even more so) is a "permanent" decision.
The first decision my wife and I made prior to marrying is that very one -- this
is it, good or bad, happy or not, better or worse, no way out. In other words,
divorce is not an option. There is no other side of the fence, whether there is
greener grass there or not. We were/are/will be stuck with this choice...So you know what? You make it work -- because you have to.And, in response to comments here about selfishness, what is selfish is the
idea that the two individuals in a marriage contract/covenant are more important
than the institution of marriage. They are not. Want individual happiness --
find it in the marriage or just be unhappy. And who wants to be unhappy? So,
here again, you make it work because you're stuck with it.Last
advice -- have kids. Marriage is about family. The absence of children here
(assuming it is possible) tells me both these "adults" aren't
really committed to the temple marriage. Having kids gives you something to
mutually "save" besides being glorified, legal roommates.
A ScientistProvo, UT@Scientist"I am disappointed that the
religious people I read about here have such struggles with marriage. There is
talk of god and spirituality and sin and righteousness -- none of which has ever
played a role in my three decades of successful marriage."My LDS
wife and I did not get married for the sake of marriage..."I'm glad that your marriage is working out great "without god's
help" - but for an educated person who claim to know everything about his
wife is beyond me...If you find out that your LDS wife had been praying about
your marriage for all the 30+ years you've been together, would that change
your feeling about her? It is silly to think that the other half of your
marriage belongs to a religious person and at the same time claim that religion
has nothing to do with your marriage success...it's like claiming that your
scientist degree has nothing to do with you're being a scientist
FYI - Video Game addiction does NOT equate to mental illness! lets not excuse
poor self control for mental health issues. Addiction is real, mental health is
real, but they are not necessarily connected! that will take some professionals
to determine!I don't envy your situation! I know that video game
addiction can lead to other addictions they time of a moral nature and can lead
to serious consequences! Force the help you need so you 2 can work through it or
@Girl Talk, yes, depression is a major illness. However, do not confuse the sick
version of a person with the well one. Mental illness can take a higher toll on
relationships than other kinds of diseases, yet it is still a disease and does
not define a person (see Elder Holland's Conference talk - loved it!). Most
people with mental illnesses are not at their worst for their whole lives, at
least not if they get help and support. The burden on loved ones is larger when
they need to be supportive while not truly being able to understand where the
loved one is coming from unless they have the same problem, but practicing the
Christlike virtues of suffering long, being kind and compassionate, forgiving,
and loving are still relevant. I agree with the others that you try everything
you can to save relationships before giving up. You probably don't want
NaggingWife to just write him off along with his baggage as hopeless, but
that's how it came across. Truth is that we all have baggage of one kind or
another. Spouses trade off being strong and weak sometimes; that's normal.
I was 22 when my first husband stepped out of our marriage. It's awful.
Don't do it. A video game addiction or depression is not a good reason to
divorce. Love is an action, not something that happens to you. Love your
husband even when he's hard to love. I didn't have any kids either
when I divorced, and it broke my heart that another marriage was lost, my
marriage. A childless marriage is definitely worth saving. I'm 24 now and
just remarried a wonderful and righteous man, far better than my ex.... But my
divorce shouldn't have happened. I think Heavenly Father blessed me so
much because of my strong belief in marriage and my disgust for divorce. Your
marriage can be good, maybe even great. And don't expect a perfect
marriage, that would require two perfect people and nobody is perfect.
What sayeth the Lord. Firstly, contrary to popular opinion, God says that if a
man finds displeasure in his wife, he should give her a writ of divorce. Proverbs 6:17 haughty eyes, a lying tongue Proverbs 6:24 keeping you
from the immoral woman, from the smooth tongue of the wayward wife.I
remember reading the Denver Post, that the number ONE complaint of was that
their wife nags.Remember, God placed man as head of the house, has
Christ is head of the Church, i.e., the man is the representative of Christ in
the home, and the nagging wife is in rebellion against the family, the man and
against Christ. Much is said in the Bible about the unbridled tongue. No man
is perfect but Christ, nevertheless, the married man is yet the representative
of God in the home, and nagging is rebellion against God. This Godly woman in
her own words, took a tongue fast, and saved her marriage, and the article is
available via Google search.
Why are people telling her to give up her husband? I'm starting to believe
that a temple marriage is a joke if all these early 20s are getting and
contemplating divorce.Depression isn't who someone is, its a
disease that people believe too much can be cured through a blessing or prayer.
The only way he will get better is if he goes to a doctor, the same as if
someone has diabetes.
Selfishness is the #1 marriage killer. Sounds like this guy is addicted to
gaming which doesn't mean he still doesn't have a choice to do it or
not. He could take some meaningful steps to show his wife his marriage means
more to him than playing games like eliminate the computer, or the gaming
software, or even Internet access. Those steps may be extreme but extreme might
be what is needed here. If he doesn't and continues on, then he's
putting himself above the marriage which goes back to my first comment about
selfishness. The great marriage killer.
This appears to be a little sexist, on behalf of the women. She's the
nagger, he wants refuge from it, and the focus is upon the women for solace.
Please get your husband on some sort of anti-depressant. He plays video games
constantly because he has anxiety and depression. Gaming gives you a
"high" and makes you feel good about yourself. Get him on some
medication. You may have to experiment until you find the right one for him.
@ A Scientist I am happy that your marriage has went well for 30
years. I have also been married for 30 years this coming year. I agree that a
joy filled life is the goal. I did talk of God and marriage being a spiritual
experience. Your " disappointment with religious people" is simply that.
The only person that brought up righteousness was you. I'm sure you have
had some struggles 30 years of marriage and were able to overcome them without
God's help evidently. I have personally found it easier to ask for help
from God. To be honest, I couldn't stop drinking without it and I would not
be celebrating 30 years marriage this coming year. in fact, I may not even be
alive now without it.
I would like to refer to the comment I made on the original article. People do
not change - unless they want to, or have a desire to change. The fact that he
revealed he suffered from depression prior to the marriage, is an indication
that this is who he is. You have seen (early on fortunately) who he is. You can
decided to live with this or move on. The key is wether or not he is willing to
put forth effort on his part, to improve the situation. So often those suffering
from depression will turn to tools to deal with or escape from their feelings.
Those tools include drugs, alcohol, and even video games. He is using video
games as his tool to escape from (or avoid) the reality of his depressive state.
I have to agree somewhat with the scientist (although he does not completely
understand the importance of spirituality and relationships). If you are not
both striving to make each other happy, you will have a long and miserable
existance, and that unhappiness will carry on to your future children, if you
stay with this man in this siuation.
A marriage relationship is worth saving, yes. It is worth fighting for. But
there comes a point where one person in that relationship has done everything
they possibly could... turned over every stone to try to salvage, fix, improve.
But, when there is another person in that relationship who (for whatever reason)
does not do the same, then there is no relationship. There is no marriage.
Something so impossibly out of balance cannot continue "forever." I was
in one of these out of balance relationships for over 20 years before I came to
that conclusion (or admitted it, actually. I was in denial that my relationship
might possibly end). I did absolutely everything I could do. The other person
wasn't as invested as I was. Period. That was/is painful to deal with. It
is not you. It is them. Until this husband puts forth some genuine effort
himself, out of his own free will, the wife can go to any sort of therapist,
bishop, lawyer she wants (even with the husband in tow) and she won't be
able to "fix it."
I'm surprised that there aren't more comments about children who will
be greatly affected by the nature of the relationship between the parents.
Consider your children. Even if you really love the guy, what kind of father
will he be? That, to me, is the most important question. Don't risk the
happiness of your children on a hope that he might get his act together.
I commented on the last article -- the naggingwife, who neverthinks
I'm good enough.[married30yrs, work50+hrs/week, goodmoney,
HighPriest, TempleWorker, 4grownkids - all RM's, templemarried,
eaglesscouts, etc.]Years ago, I'd had it - I went to our
good Bishop.I'll share the advise he gave me.He asked:"Have you done EVERYTHING you can to save this marriage?
Because one day, Christ will that same question. If you can look Him
straight in the eye and say without any reservation - Yes, then
he'll be good with it [meaning, divorce]. He doesn't want
us to quit because it's the easy way out. Life is a test, and the
Lord must have seen YOU as the blessing SHE desperately needed. But,
He understands we all have our limits. and once you think you're
there, the Spirit will let you know."20 years later, I ponder
those words daily.One day at a time.FYI - We are still
together.Goodtimes, andquitefrankly -- bad.But I better
understand the Gospel, and I more fully appreciate the Atonement, which will make ALL things right in the end.Agency, the choice is
yours.My thoughts and prayers go out to you.
I am disappointed that the religious people I read about here have such
struggles with marriage. There is talk of god and spirituality and sin and
righteousness -- none of which has ever played a role in my three decades of
successful marriage.My LDS wife and I did not get married for the
sake of marriage. We have never thought that a marriage is the thing to be
saved, as if that thing is more important than the people. We fell head over
heals in love with one another three decades ago, and have just continued
loving.It has never been about god. It has never been about the
chore of keeping a marriage together. It has never been about sharing
"spiritual" or religious life, or about putting god first (did you marry
god?!), or obeying the commandments, nor is it about our relationship conforming
to some ideal that a Church or a therapist might compare us to.It
has been about helping each other have joy in life! The religious
idea of marriage seems to be getting in your way.
Is he willing to eliminate the video games from their home completely (maybe
occasionally go to a friend's house to play, but keep them out of their
home)? A lot of people have a problem with something that they get caught up in
and it sucks away too much of their time--for some people it's video games,
for some people it's Facebook, for some people it's TV, for some
people it can even be spending too much time reading and too little time doing
other things that need to be done. Sometimes we need to recognize our weaknesses
and take steps to distance ourselves from our own personal time sucking
I'm glad she is going to give it a chance instead of giving up on it so
easily as is far too common in our selfish society today. Every marriage has
difficulties that have to be overcome and putting forth the effort to do
so—with God's help—yields enormous blessings.
Even if your husband gets a job tomorrow from one of those job applications that
he filed out when he gave into the nagging, or maybe when he was being self
motivated and not depressed, talking to at least your bishop and probably a
professional counselor is very advised. The issues will not vanish
if he starts working, although they may manifest in slightly different ways.
Since he does have depression, the issue of medication should be brought up.
Does he need medication? Does he have it? Does he take it?
Addictions are pain management. AA or LDS Addiction Recovery Program is very
helpful. It helps depression too.
After having read the initial article and all the feedback there, I came up with
another issue.I think there is a problem with the on-line gaming as
an addictive, and withdrawing behavior. However, I am not sure that it is
directly connected to the husband not getting a job. I was unemployed for a year
and a half. It really helped me feel better when I went and met with a member of
my ward who gave me a lot of advice on writing a better resume. It made me feel
better when I went out and talked to people in person about getting a job.
However I got my current job by finding a link on the LDS employment cite,
applying, coming in for a test for that job, then following the advice given
there to apply for a different job with the same organization (I work for
Detroit Public Schools). So maybe the husband is actually doing more towards
getting a job than the wife gives him credit for. That would help a lot to
praise him for putting in well thought out resumes, and spending a half hour
doing an online job test.
I have a wonderful psychiatrist through LDS Family Services, so I think a Family
counselor through them would be beneficial, and individualized therapy or
counseling is available also. That arrangement is made through your Bishop (or
Branch President, in my case). Good luck to you; life deals us some pretty tough
issues to get through.
If we are to follow God, marriage is a sacred institution and the only reason
for a anyone to divorce would be sexual infidelity Or if the spouse turns away
from God. Playing video games to this extent is a form of idolatry and maybe
even getting married so that you can have a "woman" is also a form of
that same idolatry. I believe they should seek the answer together ( through
counseling and therapy if necessary) and find God and in turn they would find
each other and get this out of their lives. This is a big problem in our
society. with all of these forms of idolatry available from when we are very
young we do not follow the word of God and all of the isms follow. I understand
addiction very well, I'm a recovering alcoholic and parts of this story are
Talking to a bishop is good and needed. However talking to a marriage counselor
is absolutely needed. No matter what the bishop says, talking to a marriage
counselor is needed. However talking to a marriage counselor is not enough.The husband needs individualized counseling for his issues separate from
the marriage counseling. He may also need psychiatric help. I feel bold in
saying these things because I need both these, and still think my marriage might
have survived if we had ever gone to marriage counseling, at least I would not
have that doubt.Lastly thought, the husband here is addicted to
video games. Let me repeat he has an addiction. Part of me wonders if there may
be other addictions and is afraid what will happen if all is revealed. However
even if it is just video games, he needs help specifically with his addiction. I
would strongly recommend that he goes to the LDS Church's Addiction
Recovery Program. Even if he is not yet willing to admit video games is an
addiction, I would recommend the wife seek out a Family Support Group of an ARP
to attend so she can better understand the issues of addiction.
Love and luck to you honey! It sounds like you have your head on straight.
This reminds me a lot of the situation I was in with my ex-wife, at least the
depression, although I doubt I would be described as totally lazy, just too
prone to anger. The fact of the matter is that in LDS theology the
thing to save is the marriage. Especially if the marriage was in the temple. We
make solemn covenants before God there. Divorcing is a violation of those
covenants. Is it justified in some cases. Yes. However there is clearly
something worth saving, and putting forth effort and trying to save it is the
key.I know I am being very daring by making this post. I have spent
the last nearly nine years trying to figure out how I could have done better
than I did and avoided my marriage collapsing. OK, when I was not just trying to
avoid thinking of it at all. It hurt, and it probably partly happened because of
things than were not understood then. I just hope this couple avoids that
course. I think they will both regret divorcing over "laziness",
especially if there is clinical depression involved.
One of the tragedies of our electronic world is that we are losing our ability
to stay personally connected to people. It is ironic that these tools are
supposed to help us "stay connected." In my own life I try to avoid
drive-throughs so i can connect with merchants face-to-face. I am trying to
avoid texting where a phone call would work. With my children I forced them to
turn off games, iPods, etc and have a conversation. All of us need to turn off
the electronic world and re-connect with people on a personal, face-to-face
level. It will make for a fuller, richer life and hopefully will lead to less
of the kinds of situation this young woman faces. It is tough for a real-life
person, in a real-life relationship with real-life challenges to compete with a
fantasy game designed to help people escape or avoid reality. Best of luck to
When my marriage was ending, I did the same thing she has decided to do - gave
every possible effort to save it. That way if it does end, you can have relative
peace knowing you did all you could. Love is a choice, and marriage is a choice.
Two people who decide to stay married and in love will always stay married and
in love. But it does take two making the commitment and effort. I hope you stay
Prepare for the worst but hope for the best.