Comments about ‘11 things you should know about the older Mormon YSA crowd’

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Published: Sunday, Nov. 17 2013 12:18 a.m. MST

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desnewsreader
Cottonwood Heights, UT

What a positive and upbeat perspective you have! As a male in the MSA demographic, I especially appreciate your willingness to give guys the benefit of the doubt regarding our intentions. A lot of us in both sexes aren't really great at communication, so assuming the good and doubting the bad is usually the best policy. It's helped me to stay upbeat when I am tempted to feel otherwise. Thanks for the blog.

Brian F
Provo, UT

AS an older YSA, this is a good article to read. Sometimes it seems like we are the only ones who feel like this, or have these thoughts, and it is nice to see them given a voice. I've had wonderful experiences as a single man that I would not have otherwise, and it has been great, but I still do want that family. We all just need to accentuate the positive and give others the benefit of the doubt. Some of us are shy, or awkward, but we all have value. It is hard sometimes to find a place in a Church that focuses on the Family so much, but you know what, we all are parts of families already.

t702
Las Vegas, NV

I love your #1 and that's the way it should be - marriage should add to one's already happy self.

I greatly dislike #7 - I would much rather see someone that is doing what he/she supposed to be doing than someone is trying - there is a big difference between doing and trying - never heard of someone who is "trying to go to college" because there is no such a thing. Either you're in college or you aren't. The person who tries will quit after few attempts, the person who sets his/her mind on getting it done will never quit

Shawnm750
West Jordan, UT

Though I'm not in the YSA crowd, but rather the SA crowd, I identify with a lot of what the author has to say. Having been married once before, there are even more things I could add to this list too. I especially liked #6 (and #9.) I've had a few people ask me about why I'm not married or dating anyone seriously. I always reply "I suppose if I wanted to, then I would be." The truth that I think a lot of singles have learned is that there are people that would be willing to get married, but many of them are more in love with the idea of marriage than they are the person to whom they're married.

As for setups, I've discovered through experience that I'm flat-out opposed to them. More often than not, the criteria for setting people up is "You're nice and single, they're nice and single, so you two should go out..." Granted 90% of dates don't result in anything long-term, but when people are just trying to pair people off for the sake of pairing them off, it gets to be a little annoying...

patriot
Cedar Hills, UT

Marriage is something that IF done in the right way has a high degree of long term success...perhaps even beyond death as we in the LDS faith believe. There are no guarantees about marriage - when you get married or if you get married and if you do get married how happy you will be. All a person can do is to center their life on the Savior Jesus Christ and know that everything will work out if you do. Life is a blind roller coaster ride with unpredictable accents and drops but happiness can be found through it all IF you look to the Savior as your foundation. This isn't as much a belief as it is real-life-experience for me.

I think the key to getting married is prepare in the right way then go for it when it happens. It may happen at age 19 or 29 or 39.... Just act when the opportunity presents itself. One unique thing among the LDS community especially in Utah is most young people are married by age 25 ...much lower than the national average. This puts more pressure on because the good pickens get slim past 25.

Mel50
Nashville, TN

I don't want to seem overly critical or (heaven forbid) bitter, but having a 29 year old talk about the trappings of being older and single is about as effective as a 17 year old trying to sell wrinkle cream. Try being 53 and single. Never married, never almost married, never engaged... my most serious relationship was almost 20 years ago and lasted less than a year. I can count on one hand the dates I've had in the last decade. I won't rant on about this topic but I would love to see an article from a middle aged never-married member and how THEY deal with being singular in a church full of couples and families.

caleb in new york
Glen Cove, NY

Where much is given, much is expected and I think the post is too defensive. Instead of instructing all of the married people how to deal with singles more effectively, she ought to focus her efforts instead on pursuing marriage. Marriage is encouraged in the LDS faith not because it is easy to obtain or to maintain, but rather because talented faithful people can accomplish great amazing things when they put their mind to it. If an LDS female who looks like that would focus her efforts more on marriage instead of on defending herself, she probably could be married reasonably quickly.

Aggie 4 Life
North Ogden, UT

Great Article and reminded me of things I had forgotton about and gave me hope as a 38 year old Male! Thanks Katie!

JMO123
SLC, UT

I love this article because it's all true (I know because I'm an "older" LDS Single Adult). What cracks me up is that, from my perspective, 29 is NOT "older." Twenty-nine is still considered a young single adult. You really can't consider yourself "older" until you are truly a midsingle.

TriFul
Midvale, UT

That is a very positive attitude.
I was 28 and single and didn't feel old. I felt bad for the girls who got married young and missed out on some things at a young age that they may get to do when they are empty nesters.

I went to college, got my own place, travelled Europe, and had a blast.

Turns out my husband now was still in HS when I finished college.
On his mission when I was travelling.

There are some great girls out there who just have to wait until their husband is ready.

BYU Track Star
Los Angeles, CA

I am graduating from the LDS Single's scene. I met my intended at a Single's conference in San Diego. She'd came down with a big group from Salt Lake. Please let me add my observations. !) It is a numbers game. If you meet alot of women, the odds are good you will meet somebody you click with. 2) President Monson's talk on dating to the young men a couple conferences ago was spot on advice.3) If you have a list of attributes of want in a spouse, become complementary to that list and the world will open up to you. 4) My intended observed that older single males still want the Miss Utah pagent winners or at least the runners-up. Even though they looked like they swallowed a small child whole. 5)Maintain your curiosity about the world. There are worlds outside your little town waiting to be discovered by you. - an open inquistitive mind is an attractive mind.

gittalopctbi
Glendale, AZ

What an excellent article! I think it should be required reading for all YSAs--and then for all members. Sage advice and spot-on observations. I think the only thing that I would add from my observations of serving in a YSA ward is that many times, the guys are just intimidated by the sisters. Everyone should just chill and treat dating as a friendship-making, just-have-fun experience.

Again, great article!

Jason Lewis
Meridian, ID

Thank you for the wonderful article. I think that one of the most encouraging things in regards to that aspect of my life is for my peers to voice the thoughts and concerns that are often stewing around in my mind. Validation is a beautiful thing.

Georgie Baby
Denver, CO

I'm a few years out of the YSA range, but older YSA's do struggle - even in their YSA wards. I have spoken with many women who are in the 25-32 age range that have matured past the 18-25 group, and feel that the wards an extension of high school and their wards are centered around the younger lot. I believe the official statistics state that the age that most young adults go inactive is 24-32. That is when I first went inactive, and it wasn't until I was 34 that I came back. There are real concerns for this age range, and marriage and cultural expectations are a significant factor in the reason why some start becoming resentful, cynical, hopeless, etc. and may begin to lose faith and leave. It really does take a lot of work, innumerable attitude adjustments, and priority setting to be a YSA or a SA in the church. More than people realize.

Jon1
Arlington, VA

I know marriage is an important part of the gospel. However, the attitude promulgated throughout much of Mormon culture that if I'm not engaged by the time I get home from the airport when I return from my mission or something is wrong with me is just plain wrong. Finding an eternal companion should not be a timed competitive race.

Strider303
Salt Lake City, UT

I think "sg" has a point, some men are single due to natural selection.

Mature women do not want to raise a husband. Many men need to grow up, accept the challenge to seek an adult relationship with women and learn how to court a lady. I was single after my wife's death and I learned a lot in the process that lead me to my current wife.

I feel that many men are adult teen-agers and therefore not seen as suitable mates by their female peers.

Another issue with twenty-somethings, is that for many this is the first time they are truly alone in the world. They have some money, no one looking over their shoulder and it is up to them to be active in the Gospel or not. Some make sophomoric choices and leave the fold. Some return, some don't. A better focus on what is important in the eternal scheme of things would help, but it is up to them.

I have heard General Authorities promise the sisters no blessing will be denied them if they are faithful and true though single. I have not heard any such promise to single men.

Jeremy Parker
Petersburg, Alaska

I have to take issue with the idea of people needing to be mature and refined to be ready for marriage. Marriage as codependency is scripture, "neither is the man without the woman" "it is not good that man should be alone."

Marriage is a service institution. Service doesn't require anything special, its simply an orientation anyone can choose. Couples who serve each other grow together and prosper, those that don't can be 100 year old wealthy scholars who had traveled the world and then landed on the moon for good measure, they will still fail at cultivating a good marriage despite their maturity and worldly wisdom.

I have learned that the prophetic words "trust is greater than love" are true and that virtue is the highest prize to obtain in a spouse, "far above rubies." A gemstone of that character is easily polished. Marriage is a journey together, not a finality of two perfect and complementary parts discovering each other.

grandmagreat
Lake Havasu City, AZ

Since I will be celebrating 69 years of marriage on December 24th, I have had a little experience. If I could say that it has all been a bed of roses, i would, But Marriage is not a bed of roses. My generation were married much younger than today, I was 18, the age most young women were married, in fact my two older sisters and I were all 18 when we married, and although two of them lost their spouses, they had long lasting marriages. 50 years and longer before they lost their spouses. I look my granddaughters, they have many obstacles to ovrr turn before they will be heappy in marriage, I pray that this will heappen for them. So my advise to all of you older Sisters, be patient, and don't expect to find someone who is perfect, no one is perfect. A word to parents of these older women, let them make their own decisions 9mistakes) they need that experence.

skeptic
Phoenix, AZ

The LDS church is a culture of family clubs. It is not receptive to comfortably accommodate single senior adults. In contrast most other churches do not pose a distinction. One may go into other churches, select a pew receive the services without feeling out of place or conspicuous. Other churches are more about individual religion than family culture. Perhaps this is something Mormons can work on to become more inclusive.

Jewell in the Crown
Spanish Fork, UT

Graduated out of SAhood 2 years ago. I ended up having to wait until I was 37 to marry, but I wasn't ready (spiritually, mentally, financially, etc.) to marry until I was 36, and my wife was one of those who had to wait until their husband was ready! I'm lucky I had a mission president who realized that trying to tell me to get married within 6 months would have hurt the wife chosen, if one would have chosen me, and I could have found one who would choose me where I was returning to. (I was returning to a family ward of about 4000 square miles in size, with no car, and as it turns out, no car for 14 years - not that I stayed in that ward for more than 5 years!)

I had to work to prepare myself, which meant dating when I had opportunities (and learning HOW to date - I had gone on 3 dates before my mission), going back to school, being in 2 YSA and 5 family wards or branches on 2 continents, and going through a major illness. Never went inactive, but met disappointing people.

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