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Comments about ‘Ask Angela: My friend is having an affair, calls me one of 'those Mormons'’

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Published: Saturday, Sept. 21 2013 6:00 p.m. MDT

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high school fan
Huntington, UT

Being an ex of one of those women, I now believe that it is my obligation to inform spouses whenever I am fully aware of the situation. Nobody ever told me because they figured I knew but I didn't know for sure so I just kept believing her stories.

TheWalker
Saratoga Springs, UT

Talking about sexual encounters at work can create a hostile work environment, and if this immoral adultress doesn't stop bragging about her licentious activities, warn her that you will report her actions to HR, and perhaps her husband as well. The words to express this woman's character unfortunately cannot be stated here, but you can probably come up with a few on your own.

LittleStream
Carson City, NV

I agree with Angela on this one. If you want to continue being friends with this woman, it sounds as if its going to be difficult if you don't want to talk about her affair. Seems she wants to talk about it! Odd, if she is really trying to keep it from her husband. There is nothing wrong with being identified as a Mormon. I believe that says I have high standards and believe the family is important and that I love my husband for time and all eternity. Tell your friend that you don't feel comfortable discussing an affair with her.

Julie R.
Kearns, UT

I agree! Embrace the stereotype of knowing that extramarital affairs are wrong! I have personally seen too many examples of the grief, pain, anger, and damage that it causes, especially to the married couple, but also the children, close family members, and close friends.

george of the jungle
goshen, UT

In psychological warfare, betrayal is worse than rape. I would keep my distance from this person.

Moontan
Roanoke, VA

I agree with George/Jungle. If you run with dogs you're gonna get fleas. Befriend a moral coworker and tell this one thanks but no thanks.

The Caravan Moves On
Enid, OK

Quote: "If not being cool with adultery makes you a “stereotypical Mormon” then embrace the stereotype."

Amen, to THAT, sister!

This 'friend' essentially wants you to communicate to her that her deceit/lies/immorality is not wrong and is trying to drag you down to her slothful level. Tell her you're not comfortable listening to her stories and let the chips fall where they may.

Like the song says, you have to stand for something or you'll fall for anything.

Gracie
Boise, ID

@high school fan: "Nobody ever told me because they figured I knew".

I've almost always heard that we should never tell the spouse when we know he/she's being cheated on. Since you've experienced this in your life, what do you think friends of yours should have done? Should they have talked to you? Should they have hinted you needed to check out the situation? What does a person do and remain true to you? Do you agree with the common response that everybody should stay out of it? I'm mostly curious because I've wondered about this for many years. What I've heard most often is that the well-intentioned friend who "tells" the spouse becomes a hated pariah to the one being cheated on as well as being considered having made a stupid move by everybody else.

djk
blue springs, MO

i have a friend whom felt her now exhusband was having an affair. i happen to be at a park and 'ta da' saw him with his 'friend'. he saw me and lets say he tried to explain his way out. didn't work. i contacted his wife and she knew for a fact then. his thoughts were 'if my wife didn't know it was ok and besides he had more love to share'. anyone whom cheats on their spouse is a cheater. doesn't matter if someone feels they can handle the situation. an affair is cheating PERIOD.

The Scientist
Provo, UT

More drama as heterosexuals preserve the sanctity of marriage...?

GeoMan
SALEM, OR

Well, I've never had this sort of problem because I think everyone I know does know that I'm one of those kind of Mormons (i.e. a Mormon that has high standards). I agree 100% with Angela on this one (as usual), some subjects are off limits/private and this would be one of those. Just because someone chooses to do something that is wrong doesn't give them the right to talk/brag about it to you. The problem is with the adulteress not the coworker.
This entire discussion is all about heterosexuals preserving the sanctity of marriage. That is exactly the point.

higv
Dietrich, ID

Neal A Maxwell talked about fashionable non judgementalism. I know someone that praised her present husband on facebook for giving up everything to become Dad to her daughter. How does her ex and present husbands ex feel about that I wonder.

Hear people that are promiscuous talk about the judgemental jerks around. Do they care about a child born out of wedlock and the people they hurt in sin.

There is a line I think between civility and when to say enough is enough. Why do people confess sins to there neighbors. John the Baptist gave his life saying it is not lawful to have brothers wife to Herod.

I think there is time to tell people what they are doing is wrong. Even if they don't agree you don't need to condone there lifestyle.

rlsintx
Plano, TX

Tell her spouse, and step away. No one deserves to be cheated on. It'll fix itself after that, and you'll end up with friends you actually want to have.

high school fan
Huntington, UT

Gracie

I really wish that I had been told. I was suspicious but had no proof so I was out of the loop that I later found out that many had knowledge of. It was hard to get divorced after so many years of marriage but My life is great now and I am happy where I am at.

stnicoll
mesa, AZ

Not one of us is perfect-but a great opportunity to stand for your belief-expressing such belief should never be offending when in the right

Twin Lights
Louisville, KY

First, this is work and the friend with the affair has an obligation not to make others uncomfortable with what she talks about.

Second, discussing an affair with a married individual would make a lot of people uncomfortable - not just Mormons or "prudes". Marriage vows still have meaning to many people.

The friend may not take well to being asked not to talk about it. It will signal that "Help" sees something wrong with her friend's actions. The resulting guilt may end the friendship.

The question of how to get her to stop rests one whether "Help" wants to try to stay in her friend's life and help her get out of this or whether she just needs to cut ties for her own sanity.

Cheating has no good outcomes for "Help's" friend:

1) He leaves his wife (and children?) and marries you. Now you have a husband who will likely cheat on you. And this option is unlikely.

2) He drops you and moves on to a new affair.

3) He drops you and stays with his wife and mends the relationship.

Note that no option leaves you with the ability to complain about his actions.

Stay the Course
Salt Lake City, utah

affairs come from seeds of betrayal dishonesty selfishness and other deplorable seeds
seeds planted in such polluted soil can only bear vile fruit

Xbalanque
DC, VA

Reality check if you think this only happens with heterosexuals...

PAtoUT
Midvale, UT

As one who was the wife who was being cheated on, I wouldn't want the friendship or ear of that woman at the office. Does she realize she's being seen as a cheater, a lier, and one not to be trusted--by her own admission? This is a workplace. Gossip has a way of find the holes in the walls and cubicles. I don't know if anyone would want a friend like that in the first place.There are many that I politely say hello to if I pass them in a hallway, but do not have conversations with. I have to agree with those that encourage themselves to be seen as "one of those Mormons." To be one of those Mormons requires being honest, chaste, and virtuous. I think that's a good thing, not something to be put down. Think about it.

eastcoastcoug
Danbury, CT

I would say to the friend "it doesn't matter what I think about it...what do you and your spouse think about it?" "Your obligation regarding fidelity is between you and him...what have you two discussed and agreed?" If she is your friend, ask her how important the friendship is and if there is honesty and transparency between you two. Sounds like the person wants the same one-sided honesty from you that she is expecting from her spouse.

As for the label (Prude), I would challenge her on that and say that there has to be a pre-condition to our friendship: no negative labels. This person seems to want all relationships on her terms.

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