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Divorced man shares his viral list of 20 marriage tips

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  • bozenakr Vineland, NJ
    March 27, 2014 9:10 a.m.

    Let me first start out with good job! I like that you weren't afraid to enter the intimacy part of marriage. It is an important part and often misunderstood. God has put intimacy in marriage for a reason and although it is not to be demeaning or defiled, it is meant to be! A lot of people get confused because we believe in not having premarital sex. In this world, people take for granted how powerful a weapon that can be and is to only be used to increase the bond between husband and wife.

  • terra nova Park City, UT
    Oct. 25, 2013 10:25 a.m.

    If you have children, you are never really divorced. Ever.

    The ghost of the former spouse will rise, unbidden, in subtle actions of those little ones. you will learn to hate them... unless you learn (finally) to love your ex.

    The same thing is true of those who do not love their in-laws. I've watched otherwise decent men, some of them former Bishops and Stake Presidents, hurl "You are just like your mother," or, "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree," with hate-laden invective. It is incredibly unkind (unless you love the mother, or the tree it fell from). There is great wisdom in the fifth commandment (honor thy father and mother).

    In the end, divorce is the formal seal, the diploma for having learned apathy well and deeply. Apathy is, in many ways, worse than hate. It is love's true opposite. But once your DNA intertwines and children are present, they become the walking fabric of your past. You can divorce, but your past spouse will never be gone once you have procreated.

    So, learn to love her. Learn to love him. And Love to Live.

  • USAlover Salt Lake City, UT
    Oct. 17, 2013 12:03 p.m.

    Marriage relationships are never static...always dynamic with ebbs and flows, lows spots and high ground, passion and boredom, synchronicity and disconnect.

    I've learned the secret is to not over-react to the downturns in a marriage relationship. They are normal and human. Nothing is necessarily "wrong" during these moments either. However, your behavior during these moments is so important. They only thing more important than good behavior is forgiveness when it is sincerely sought by the offender. Choose love...always, even if it has to be a "choice" rather than a "feeling".

    Married for 18 years now, and would do it all over again if presented the same.

  • suzyk#1 Mount Pleasant, UT
    Oct. 16, 2013 10:05 a.m.

    To: Neanderthal - you left out two of the most important ones: abuse and infidelity. They will cause a divorce every time unless people choose to accept that as part of their marriage. And to: The Scientist...a marriage without God will only be temporary...the time is coming and there will be regret and heartache. Marriage is defined with God and those who choose to not have Him be part of their lives will some day be so sorry they made that selfish choice.

  • Gildas LOGAN, UT
    Sept. 15, 2013 10:39 p.m.

    I have to agree with "Rainman"; it has become the common "wisdom" that you should always put the children first. My Church (LDS) has never taught that.

    It is a beautiful concept to love your children because each loving spouse sees the image of their chosen mate in the children they created together.

    My mother and father did a great job, and worked together very well, in raising us. I would have liked to have heard them endearingly calling one another by their first names regularly and being unashamedly romantic around each other. I do agree that gives a very secure feeling to a child every time it happens. It beats hearing your folks arguing about "the children" (or anything else) hands down, but many children face that trauma regularly.

  • Hamath Omaha, NE
    Sept. 15, 2013 4:38 a.m.

    @ Scientist

    "Ms. Divorced man trying to give marriage advice? How silly."

    Like an atheist giving advice on God or religion?

    Seriously though, when you diminish other's ability to say their part, you also diminish your own voice too.

  • jeanie orem, UT
    Sept. 14, 2013 8:25 p.m.

    Scientist, I am glad you have a wonderful wife who makes you happy. There are many men who wish to be so lucky.

  • ute alumni paradise, UT
    Sept. 14, 2013 7:58 p.m.

    advise about God from an atheist . how silly

  • rlsintx Plano, TX
    Sept. 14, 2013 7:14 p.m.

    Divorce advice: unless you have to deal with her, never comment on her and pretend she's dead. Seriously, move on and let her do the same. Act together for the children and otherwise, it's time to move on - no matter how that suits the other.

  • The Scientist Provo, UT
    Sept. 14, 2013 6:13 p.m.

    Over thirty years of marriage, no god needed, and we are as happy as ever!

    Mr. Divorced man trying to give marriage advice? How silly.

  • Commenter88 Salt Lake City, Utah
    Sept. 14, 2013 3:08 p.m.

    What a bunch of sexist tripe. Marriages are broken up unilaterally by both men and women all the time. To assume that the man is always at fault or is insufficient in the love he has given is simply not accurate and it is harmful, derisive, and crippling to men who have suffered through this through no fault of their own. In fact the belief that men are always at fault is a cause for divorce for itself, as it is a fantasy that many women have in making themselves feel entitled to leave a relationship for something that seems new, fun or different instead of putting the effort in a real marriage.

    This guy probably did make a bunch of mistakes, but he doesn't need to assume that his is everyone's divorce.

  • earthquakejake Logan, UT
    Sept. 14, 2013 2:11 p.m.

    Should a really read marriage tips from a divorced man?

  • Rational Salt Lake City, UT
    Sept. 14, 2013 1:28 p.m.

    Daniel Leifker
    San Francisco, CA
    Whenever I meet people for the first time, they ask the usual things like "where do you live?" and "are you married?" Twenty-five years ago, the usual response I would hear would be something along of the lines of, "Well, I'm sure you will find the right wife." But now, the usual response is "Never married? Smart man!" What has changed in the last two decades?
    -----

    A monumental increase in selfishness, materialism and pride.

  • Neanderthal Pheonix, AZ
    Sept. 14, 2013 12:10 p.m.

    @Gildas:
    "I liked your post a lot, and gave it my vote."

    Thank you.

    "However, the last part does not gibe with my own experience."

    What I'm trying to say is... study the potential spouse's mom and dad. That's who he/she will emulate as an adult. Some gals will be like their dad. Some like their mom. Are the parents happy, friendly, loving, smiley, communicative, etc., or are they dower, grumpy, demanding, short-tempered? Does the dad expect the wife's servitude? And does she accommodate?

    "Likewise I had heard the advice previously to study the mother, not the father, to understand my wife better."

    It's not an exact science.

    @shimmer:
    "Not all women and wives don't like sex."

    Testosterone determines the drive in both men and women, is my understanding. Some ladies don't got much and the 'head-ache syndrome' takes over.

    "I happen to like it as much, if not more, than my husband."

    The lucky guy.

    "But too many marriages do fail because of the lack of communication when it comes to intimacy."

    Communication is good. But, it doesn't hold a candle to an innate desire for intimacy.

  • Rainman Syracuse, UT
    Sept. 14, 2013 11:06 a.m.

    I've learned over 22 year of marriage that my wife and I have to put each other first. Our children cannot take priority to our relationship. I have found that if our relationship is strong, our relationship with our children is strong. They see us happy and in love and they feel secure, willing to open up and communicate. Also, from my religious perspective, my ticket to the celestial kingdom is my wife, not my children. My wife is my top priority and my children a very close second.

  • shimmer Orem, UT
    Sept. 14, 2013 10:13 a.m.

    @ Neanderthal

    Not all women and wives don't like sex. I happen to like it as much, if not more, than my husband. But too many marriages do fail because of the lack of communication when it comes to intimacy.

  • HSTucker Holladay, UT
    Sept. 14, 2013 9:22 a.m.

    If the Deseret News had published his list, it wouldn't have been able to resist turning it into a slideshow!

  • CynicJim Taylorsville, UT
    Sept. 14, 2013 8:32 a.m.

    I wonder if Mr. Rogers heard any of the things of which he writes from his ex and how selfishly he/she expressed themselves during the unhappy times.

  • Gildas LOGAN, UT
    Sept. 14, 2013 7:11 a.m.

    @ Neanderthal

    I liked your post a lot, and gave it my vote. However, the last part does not gibe with my own experience.

    I had a father and mother who stayed married to one another until one died.

    I think it would have been different if I had been raised exclusively by my mother, which is indeed the case with an alarming number of young men, but that not being my case, it is my father that I modeled myself upon, not my mother.

    Likewise I had heard the advice previously to study the mother, not the father, to understand my wife better. So, while I am considering your advice in this regard, the most I can say is that my wife behaves like her mother, but looks for a man like her father, which fortunately I am.

  • Neanderthal Pheonix, AZ
    Sept. 13, 2013 10:58 p.m.

    There's three main reasons for divorce... money, sex, and rearing children. That's it.

    Money: One or the other in the marriage is frugal while the other is a spendthrift. The frugal one goes bizzerk when money is wasted. The other thinks money grows on trees.

    Sex: Guys, per Mother Nature, like alot. Gals, per the same Mother Nature, not so much. Unless there is give on both sides, the marriage is doomed. This is a lifetime issue. Please talk this issue over before saying 'I do' or you'll be sorry.

    Rearing children: Some like strict discipline. Some don't. If each of the partners have different backgrounds in child discipline there will be problems. This is a toughy because you can never find out what level of discipline the other obtained from being reared by their respective parents.

    To the guys... you are not only marrying the girl, you are marrying her father. Her approach to life will mirror her father's. Examine the father carefully.

    To the gals... You are not only marrying the guy, you are marrying his mother. His approach to life will mirror his mother's. Examine the mother carefully.

  • Kelliebelle66 West Jordan, UT
    Sept. 13, 2013 7:57 p.m.

    When my husband and I, married 25 years last April, received the daily email with Deseret News story headlines we had a chuckle about how a divorced man could give marital advice. Then I read the article and was instantly humbled. It's true that we can learn things from people who we might not expect could teach us anything. I am printing out this article and sharing it and I will be utilizing it as well. There is a huge lesson here not only about how to be a better spouse but on not squandering opportunities to learn something and improve ourselves in the moment and not after we have completely messed up a situation. I felt sorry that Mr Rogers had already lost his marriage but I am happy for him that he was able to sit down and reflect upon what went wrong. So many times people who fail in whatever area neglect to do that and squander an opportunity to improve themselves. Hopefully Mr Rogers will find somebody and be able to apply his advice successfully.

  • BYUalum South Jordan, UT
    Sept. 13, 2013 7:53 p.m.

    I hope Mrs. Rogers reads this article and also her ex=husband's blog of what he realizes he did wrong. Maybe she should give him a second chance and start dating this repentant and changed man that she fell in love with years ago. If for no other reason....their children who love them both!

  • Daniel Leifker San Francisco, CA
    Sept. 13, 2013 7:03 p.m.

    Whenever I meet people for the first time, they ask the usual things like "where do you live?" and "are you married?" Twenty-five years ago, the usual response I would hear would be something along of the lines of, "Well, I'm sure you will find the right wife." But now, the usual response is "Never married? Smart man!" What has changed in the last two decades?

  • Gildas LOGAN, UT
    Sept. 13, 2013 6:46 p.m.

    What men and women need from a marriage are pretty much the same: love and respect and continued courtship.

    It goes both ways. This man has described someone who has failed, unilaterally apparently, to provide these things in his marriage. Fair enough.

    For someone who could check all those boxes at least as well or better than their divorcing spouse, another kind of article is needed. How about it Deseret News? Let's make it about a good husband this time with a wife who is never pleased with anything he does.

  • gigi_gorgeous New York, NY
    Sept. 13, 2013 6:29 p.m.

    Marriage is not for the weak. I find it amusing, that every divorced friend/relative I've ever known, thought their lives would be better if only they had a different partner....all they did was trade one set of problems for a different set. In addition, once children are involved, it is no longer about you...the children take priority....marriage is not easy....but worth the effort.

  • sashabill Morgan Hill, CA
    Sept. 13, 2013 5:15 p.m.

    I've got the "being silly" part licked. (Still working on the other items).

  • jdub1942 PROVO, UT
    Sept. 13, 2013 4:43 p.m.

    Wookie,
    I'm sorry to hear that. Best of luck to you.

  • Wookie Omaha, NE
    Sept. 13, 2013 2:34 p.m.

    The loudest noise I have ever witnessed was the deafening sound of silence the day my daughters mother left. No more do I hear little feet on a daily basis running around my house. I will not eat at my dinner table unless my girls are "home". My pride got the best of me and subsequently added to my part in our marriage ending in divorce. I wish I would have let pride go and humbled myself and learned what God was trying to teach me. This man's advice is very inspired and helpful. But for me, all of those things that keep you from doing what you are supposed to do all stem from pride.

    God Bless Marriage, happy or not.
    God Speed to those who need help in securing theirs.

  • george of the jungle goshen, UT
    Sept. 13, 2013 1:55 p.m.

    There is good days and bad ones, the longest days are the ones you will have to hear all the dumb things you have ever done. What can you say to it all, cause ya know it's true. and the future is uncertain. Sorry doesn't make it. All I try to do , is try to show her that she matters, even tho she doesn't want me to touch her. Those are the longest ones. I show her how thankful I an to have her in my life.