Comments about ‘Ask Angela: I will not date girls in my ward’

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Published: Saturday, Aug. 24 2013 5:00 a.m. MDT

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george of the jungle
goshen, UT

I have a code of conduct
1. Watch what you say.
2. don't take what some one said to you to hart or personally.
3. Never assume any thing.
4. Always do your best.

That's the basic ones You can add Do no harm , Leave it better than you found it . Honor your parents. Their is a lot of rules but the thing is you have to have your own boundary, limits and standard.

Eliyahu
Pleasant Grove, UT

I can understand where the guy is coming from. It's much like dating women in your workplace or in your apartment building. The danger is that an unpleasant breakup leaves both of them still having to encounter the other on a daily basis. Still, we have to take some risks to find the right person and can't always play it safe. It would be unfortunate to miss the perfect soulmate just because she lives near you.

BlakeR
St Joseph, MI

Great answer, as usual. I would just add one other reason for which this sister should not feel bad. The comment "...in case things get messy", says a lot about this brother's dating perspective. Do you really want to date someone who has the escape hatch open all the way to the alter?

NDM
Vienna, Austria

Talk about a "Utah Mormon" problem!

Dennis
Harwich, MA

Young men can be so clueless. I dated a lot of girls in the ward growing up and don't regret a one of them. 45 years later I'm still good friends with many of them.
I don't understand the "all or nothing" mentality of both the girls and guys. Mix it up. Enjoy one another. There's a lot to be learned from someone other that your BFF.

Brave Sir Robin
San Diego, CA

@BlakeR

You SHOULD have an escape hatch open all the way to the altar. That's the purpose of dating and engagement. That's why we don't get married the first time we meet. It's because we need time to figure out if we're compatible. Gordon B. Hinckley said "be married with your eyes half shut, but date with your eyes wide open." Just because two people are dating doesn't mean they're obligated to get married - using the "escape hatch" is normal, necessary, and expected.

flatlander
Omaha, NE

My seminary class which included all four grades only had 8 kids, half girls. They were more like sisters. Everybody I knew dated non members but they did live within our ward boundaries (10 miles by 20 miles). (Stake was 7 hours across). We did love seeing Mormon girls at youth conference when three states got together. ( states is not a typo)

Vladhagen
Salt Lake City, UT

It is a great move by this girl to ask this boy on a date. An understanding of mutual prerogative in finding a spouse is refreshing. Some men have "policies" against dating ladies in their ward. It is perhaps not the best approach, but I do not think that most men use this as a personal stab at a girl. Hence this lady just needs to try again with someone else and look for someone better suited to her paradigm.

Scott H
Ogden, UT

In real life, most guys with such exclusionary dating policies would make an exception in the blink of an eye if a girl that particularly catches their fancy were to ask them out. Many guys will use excuses like this to avoid saying they're simply not interested.

Guys and gals have to meet somewhere. How many young adults really want to rope off one of the biggest sections of their potential dating pool where they mix with others that hold similar beliefs?

Still, since it is extremely difficult to see into the heart and mind of another, it is best to accept the young man's declaration at face value and move on.

Gildas
LOGAN, UT

The only girl who ever asked me out was one that I just was not attracted to in any way. I declined her invitation respectfully and avoided making excuses.

Since the tradition is for the boy to ask the girl out it is usually the boy who risks rejection and I well recall that rejection as embarrassing and sometimes almost devastating. You feel you might become the subject of gossip too as some people can't seem to mind their own business. I can see why someone might look beyond their ward though not to avoid a "messy" breakup.

When a girl decides to be the date maker I think that she usually does it subtly and with careful thought. Not a bad idea as you can avoid hurt, overt rejection, and embarrassment on both sides, by approaching date making indirectly or by doing some "market research" first. Conversations in the hallway or the classroom can often give you plenty of information as to whether an individual likes you and how well you are likely to get along for instance.

Hmm, I wish I had been as thoughtful as that when I was younger.

onceuponatime
Salt Lake City, UT

I guess the excuses guys use are just as a lame as the excuses girls use.

Beart
SAINT LOUIS, MO

This is what happens to aggressive women, and some men, who take too seriously the advice to get married, so that it becomes more of a hunt than an opportunity to meet someone and actively court to see if marriage is right, I have met too many people, especially LDS women, who seem to have a "revelation" over nearly every eligible man he meet. The commandment was never to have caused people to be desperate, and I think the high leadership would say this. It is just so many of our peers and untrained local leaders who apply a little too much pressure. If he ooncerned woman in the article just backs off a bit, maybe good things will happen, certainly better than those that come about through unnecessary pressure. If local leaders tell you otherwise, they are dead wrong.

Ry Guy
SALT LAKE CITY, UT

That's one of the problems with dating today. We have made a date too serious. Going out on dates is just how you get to know a person. When my mom dated, she went on 4 or 5 dates a week, mainly with just friends. Some of them turned into more serious relationships. But now we won't ask someone out unless we think they could be "the one". Just go out, have a good time and be adults. We give up too easily.....if we don't "feel it" early on we give up.

There was a girl I took out a couple times, went ok...didn't really feel the spark. A month later we met at a party and I thought maybe I should try once more. 16 months later we were married. Don't give up too soon!

Aggielove
Cache county, USA

Found my wife in my ward. So I'm fully against this point.

Canyontreker
TAYLORSVILLE, UT

If he's not dating inside the Singles Ward, then he's cementing his feet for the long haul. Move on. Singles Wards are supposed to be messy.

rlsintx
Plano, TX

Messy ? If you conduct yourself with integrity, it's highly unlikely to happen.

osmir
Brasil, 00

i lived in a little city... in my ward there are not girls...
i need travel for 70 km for dates.
for many years, my dream was to date a girl from my ward...

Vienna25
Anchorage, AK

I've never been a fan of needing a reason to say no to a date. Reasons seem to offer a solvable problem, which sometimes just isn't the case. (You don't date in the ward boundaries, so let me move!) Let a no be a no, and a yes be a yes.

But don't we all have reasons to date or not date someone? At times, the reasons are superficial and naive; as experience and wisdom come into play we begin to judge our dates with a more eternal set of standards.

TimBehrend
Auckland NZ, 00

Beart, how did you get from a woman asking a man out on a date to a woman who is aggressive and misunderstands church leaders' advice about marriage? Projection?

Hutterite
American Fork, UT

Maybe you should think outside the box. The one with the pointy stick on it. There's a whole world of adventure out there just outside the expectations everyone has of you, and this is a good time to exercise that option.

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