Comments about ‘Ask Angela: Marriage: I think no, he thinks yes — now what?’

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Published: Saturday, July 27 2013 12:35 p.m. MDT

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Mimifran
Gymea, NSW

This exact thing happened to me. I was a new convert and believed him when he said I wasn't praying right. Total truth - he began hitting me in the first week after the wedding. If Heavenly Father is saying no then listen and obey - otherwise, why ask him? All the best.

Bebyebe
UUU, UT

No. Trust your instincts.

NDM
Vienna, Austria

Angela's advice is right on. The issue is no longer who is praying "right" and who is praying "wrong." Forget everything else. His response to your response tells you that your inspiration is right. Think about it. He is saying "I don't care what you think you have experienced. I am right; you are wrong." It's blatant disrespect. Worse, it smacks of control. A genuinely worthy priesthood holder understands that his inspiration is only half the equation. If she doesn't get a "yes" answer, he knows to quietly and respectfully back off, no matter how certain he is of his inspiration. Negating agency is Lucifer's plan. Do you want a marriage based on that? Repeat after me: "When you disrespect my ability to receive and interpret my own personal revelation, it confirms beyond all doubt that I got the right answer." That's all you need to say to him.

Christmas Carole
LAS CRUCES, NM

Angela hon, I do not recall ever feeling differently, than you, on these issues you give advice on. Wow ,hon, you are one wise young woman!!

Beaver Native
Garland, UT

I remember hearing a General Authority saying, probably in a conference broadcast or devotional, that it is possible for the man to get an answer that the marriage is right for him, and the woman to get an answer that the marriage is wrong for her, and both be right. He has no authority to receive an answer for you. If he is trying to pressure you into accepting a proposal by saying he has received an answer for you, he is exercising unrighteous dominion. You do not want a husband like that.

Bomar
Roberts, ID

Many years ago I went through this exact experience and Angela is spot on. Sometimes we want something so bad we let our feelings override the spirit. We are less than honest in our prayers, seeking what we want, not what the Lord knows is in our best interests.

rinman
Kabul, Afghanistan, 00

Good answer, Angela. She must trust her instinct, and he should not denigrate her ability to receive an answer. I would add only one caveat, a hypothetical. She might want a "no" as much as he wants a "yes" so that is what each gets. I'm not 100% sure the Lord always answers this question, so people might "find" their own answers. Why might the Lord not respond? Because if He says yes, and he turns out to be bum or an adulterer or a child molester or an axe murderer, she might blame the Lord for leading her down the wrong path (or he might blame the Lord if she doesn't work out). Sometimes two people need to make a decision and act on it (but trusting their instincts). I'm not sure that the Lord will answer the "is he the right one for me" question. Maybe there isn't only one right person every time.

Brother Benjamin Franklin
Orem, UT

I do not think enough consideration is being given to both responses. The man is being made to look like he put no effort into getting his answer, while the woman is portrayed as the opposite.

Why don't we get people that write in with more detailed stories? I am fed up with men being portrayed in society as lazy little boys who need a woman to look after them because they can't take care of themselves. Most men are not like this, and this woman should stop and think about perhaps seeking help from other resources than a newspaper column just so all her girlfriends can feel sorry for her.

Philippine Bonita
Sammamish, WA

I was engaged once to someone (a returned missionary)who told me (also a retuned missionary) that when we disagreed on something important that we should just go with what HE thought because he was "my priesthood leader". Thank heaven (literally) that as a returned missionary I was well aquatinted with personal revelation and how the Holy Ghost operates. That line might have worked on me "pre-mission" because I was so gaga in love. Well, the Holy Ghost (and a good friend) told me I did not need to marry this chauvinistic jerk. I broke it off and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. His mom LOVED me. She had introduced me to her son and she told me she was sad that she would not be my mother-in-law, but knew that I was inspired and that I was doing the right thing.
Run for the HILLS, girl and don't promise to "give it more time", or continue to date until something changes. Don't prolong the pain. the best thing for both of you is to move on separately. He needs to mature spiritually. You're light years ahead of him.

Beaver Native
Garland, UT

Rinman,

"Maybe there isn't only one right person every time."

Right on. The idea that everyone has a "soul mate" is a fallacy. The question is not about who's the "one and only", but rather "Does the Lord approve of my choice and is this a good choice for me".

caf
Bountiful, UT

We all do our best to understand promptings. However, if we feel that we have received direct revelation, we should act on that fact immediately. If we ignore revelation, we chance closing ourselves from further help. Why is this girl still dating a man whom she knows isn't best for her?! Angela, you have given great advice again!

atl134
Salt Lake City, UT

This is why you don't use answers you think come from God to make major life choices...

atl134
Salt Lake City, UT

By the way, I'm not saying to marry, I'm saying that you should make the choice based on what you think is right, not what you think God wants you to do.

Kelliebelle66
West Jordan, UT

Brother Benjamin Franklin, the actual story in the letter and the response given by Angela don't portray the man the way you are saying. Do you have a chip on your shoulder? Maybe some of the responses by the women regarding their experiences, which are certainly valid, are making you feel that men are attacked. Angela just told the girl to trust in what the Lord tells her which is the right thing to do. Neither the letter writer nor Angela is portraying this guy as a lazy little boy who needs to be looked after. And the women who wrote in about their experiences have valid points based on what happened to them. The topic was, after all, about this guy pressuring a girl who got a different answer. People are smart enough to know this doesn't lump men into the same category on every issue.

JoeBlow
Far East USA, SC

“You must be praying wrong, keep praying and let me know when you get the right answer.”

Isn't this just like the concept about Mormonism in general?

If you don't get the "correct" answer, you were certainly doing something wrong. Either not with a "sincere heart" or "real intent"

I M LDS 2
Provo, UT

Unfortunately, there are far too many cheuvenistic, "I'm the priesthood holder" arrogant men in the Church.

donn
layton, UT

RE: Christians=(Tri-une God) should never marry Non-Christians.

(2Cor 6:14-16) Be you not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship has righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion has light with darkness? And what concord has Christ with Belial? or what part has he that believes with an infidel? And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? for you are the temple of the living God; as God has said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. …

A Scientist
Provo, UT

Beaver Native wrote:

"The question is...'Does the Lord approve of my choice and is this a good choice for me".

And if god is smart, his (or her) answer will always be: "Don't ask me, you are the one who will be married to them, not me!"

Mom of ten
SANBORNTON, NH

Many years ago (1981), I heard a talk given by the President of my BYU ward. He told of a similar situation. Two BYU students of his congregation came to him for advice. They both had prayed whether they shoud marry each other. She had recieved a no answer, he a yes. They came to him to ask which one of them was wrong. He advised them that neither was wrong. For one, the marriage would work; for the other it would not. We all have different temperments and abilities. It is possible for many right answers. That is why we get individual and personalized revelation. Heavenly Father loves us all and knows of our needs. He will lead us to that which will bring us in the right direction. I have never forgotten that talk. It has helped me refrain from judgements.

joe5
South Jordan, UT

His question to the Lord should be: "Should I ask this woman to marry me?" Any other questions such as "Should I marry her?" is an indication that he does not value your agency. It's not solely up to him whether he marries you.

Assuming the correct prayer is said, the Lord might respond, "She is worthy and compatible. Yes, ask her."

After he asks, she prays, "Should I accept his invitation to marry?" She has every opportunity, indeed a duty, to receive her own inspiration and exercise her own agency. In this case, the Lord apparently said no. I won't conjecture why he said no. Perhaps he is not worthy. Perhaps he is not compatible. Perhaps there is something better for her that the Lord wants her to have. Whatever the reason, she now has to act on that revelation and choose to either marry or not marry.

If you were my daughter, I'd recommend that you sever your relationship with this young man and learn what the Lord has in store for you. Maybe he can't give it to you while you are still in this relationship.

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