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Comments about ‘Second-hand porn: the spreading circle of damage’

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Published: Monday, July 8 2013 12:00 a.m. MDT

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Fiannan
Eugene, Oregon

Okay this is an interesting story. The woman appears to be living with a man she is not married to. Am I to assume that relationship is implied to be okay while his looking at porn isn't? Now that's an interesting subtle message for an LDS oriented publication to present.

Mike C
Durango, CO

@Fiannan: If a homeless person were to run into a fire station and say there's a house on fire, and the firemen shrug it off saying "what would a homeless person know about a house?" And so the flames grow and engulf the town.
Why ridicule this woman, who does nothing but help other partners through their grief? Nowhere is there judgment on porn viewers, saying they are evil. Just the fact that many partners/spouses are deeply damaged by it being in their relationship.
Do you attack the messenger? Do you throw mud onto others in order to make yourself appear cleaner?
Can you simply address the fact that the spouse of a porn-addled relationship is stricken with a terrifying predicament? Our spouse is supposed to be the safest person in our lives but when that person has betrayed you deeply, and repeatedly, in the softest part of your heart and soul, a paradox develops between needing to protect yourself from the one who has harmed you, and reaching for the safety, love and support of your spouse. This is traumatizing and crazy-making.
I congratulate Deseret News for shining the light onto this horrific pandemic. Bravo!

Democrat
Provo, UT

Cedarite: Good questions. Not all nudity is porn and not all porn includes nudity. I believe porn goes for the physical or emotional "juggler vein" and takes the easiest road there. Porn shocks and titillates, but it does not uplift. Magazines geared to teens that show bloody car-wreck scenes and display people with deformities in a circus-like way are porn. But Botticelli and Michelangelo are not porn and neither is the nudity in movies like Zero Dark thirty. Unfortunately, some people have opted for an easier definition of porn that relies less on reason or the Spirit, and a simple nudity standard which is off-base and unhealthy.

That said, if something not intended by the artist inappropriately arouses an individual, that person should stop viewing it. A great standard is the 13th Article of Faith: "If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things" and if it is the opposite, we should avoid it.

Brother Benjamin Franklin
Orem, UT

I do not agree with this woman throwing out her husband without a moment's notice. While she had the right to do that, I think she is regretting that decision now.

Unless every effort has been made for an extended period of time to rectify a situation and the situation continues to worsen, there is no justification or excuse to destroy a marriage relationship like that.

She has a right to feel betrayed and hurt, this was not her fault, and her now ex-husband is the one with the addiction. But I think reacting the way she did was a cop-out to cover up for something she lacked.

Spouses of those who are addicts need to stop throwing someone out of the house just because they have a problem. If someone has an addiction, it does not mean that there is no hope of recovery for the addict and the marriage relationship.

Brother Benjamin Franklin
Orem, UT

This woman has gone on to become a great advocate and this article will do much good. Men and women need mentors and sponsors to help them through the challenge of dealing with relapse and recovery. She has used her experience to become a defender of women who have been victims to their spouse's pornography addictions.

But it must be pointed out, even if controversially and offensively to some, that this does not necessarily justify terminating a marriage upon discovery of an undisclosed addiction. Every addict has their own story and reasons behind and for what they have done and why they have done it.

The best thing a pornography or any type of addict needs is an understanding, loving spouse who stands behinds and loves them for who they can become, not who they are now.

This woman took the easy way out by throwing her husband out and blamed the decision on his addiction. This was not just about an addiction of a husband--it was about a wife's overreaction and lack of willingness to love and forgive a spouse who needed her.

483bzac
West Valley City, UT

Absent in this article are the usual omitted facts: 1)Women are the fastest growing porn consumers, no women's problem was listed. 2)It has become a wonderful excuse for women wanting a divorce (get me a new man and the old man can pay for it). All they have to do in court is say their spouse has viewed porn-so have they. 3)Proper help for either addicted party can repair relationships, (whatever happened to: in sickness and in health, until death?) These articles become excuses for women not to do anything to work for their relationships. In High School girls go from one "flame" to another without a second thought. They connive socially, gossip, they can figure out the social world long before the guy. Do they lose all their talents when they get married? No, some are seriously hurt by the porn poison, some just want another guy. Porn is bad but please tell the whole story.

Commodore
West Jordan, UT

That was a very insightful article. I wish we would hear something this deep over the pulpit at general conference when they discuss the evils of pornography.

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