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Comments about ‘Princeton mom sparks debate about finding a husband early’

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Published: Wednesday, April 3 2013 9:33 a.m. MDT

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Mukkake
Salt Lake City, UT

This article misrepresents her advice.

Essentially she was saying if you want an Ivy League husband you need to find him while both you and him are there, otherwise you might get stuck with a husband from a public/state university, like she was, and which she goes into great detail lamenting.

I'm sure if you're a woman not attending an Ivy League school her advice would be different.

Third try screen name
Mapleton, UT

Where are we regarding counsel given by President Kimball in 1974?
I believe the sequence was:
Mission
Marriage
Children
Finish School
Career

I suppose there has been some counsel given to stop hanging out and start committing. And they frown on the five year plan.

common twit
Salt Lake City, UT

I think it is funny that when somebody speaks an opinion that is out of the normal frame people get frantic. Some of what this woman says is spot on. How come she can't say that? We are too sensitive as a society.

SlopJ30
St Louis, MO

I followed the very Mormon "sequence" listed by "Third Try" above, and I have to say I'm advising my kids to do otherwise. My advice would be to follow this pattern:

Mission (if you really want to go)
Marriage
Finish School
Establish Career (both spouses)
Children

Yep; that's not the Mormon way, I know. If you're not crankin' out babies by your mid twenties, something's wrong with you. Admittedly, my preferences stem from the fact that life has thrown me some painful curveballs, but I think it's only common sense in 2013 for both spouses to make themselves marketable by putting in a few solid years in a profession. Then, if things are proceeding to plan, if wifey (or hubby, if we're being PC) wants to be a full-time homemaker, go for it.

At least that way if one career implodes, the other party has a better chance of helping out by jumping back into the workforce. My wife, out of necessity, just got her first "real" job after 2 1/2 years of trying, after years of being Just Mom.

Mukkake
Salt Lake City, UT

I'm guessing when President Kimball (born 1895) gave his sequence in 1974, he wasn't putting too much emphasis on the woman also finishing her degree, or even going on a mission.

I personally wouldn't marry a woman without a degree, or at least the intent to finish one, even if her goal was to be a stay-at-home-mom. Studies have shown that a mother's education level has a stronger impact on children's education attainment than a father's education level. This is demonstrated by Susan Patton, who was a Princeton graduate, but whose husband was not an Ivy League graduate, having two Princeton sons.

Plus, despite our best efforts, people die. Best to have a backup plan if one parent dies, other than just re-marriage.

Y_is_for_Yale
Salt Lake City, UT

As an Ivy League alum (and an obvious non-Mormon), I would refrain from establishing a sequence at all, including attending university. Limiting an individual to another's pre-established path denies that individual the freedom to exercise his / her own abilities to pursue a course based on the variables at that particular point in time. Imagine if some of our great entrepreneurs had decided to pursue a "sequence" instead of pursuing a unique idea or venture. By telling young women to get married as part of some sequence, you deny them this opportunity (and many others). Let them craft their own future, free of the bonds of pre-determined fates.

cjb
Bountiful, UT

Whats wrong with looking for a husband or wife while at college and even getting married? Being married doesn't interfere with getting an education in fact I think being married while at university made it emotionally easier for me.

It depends on the person, but it can be a very good choice.

Vladhagen
Salt Lake City, UT

I think we place far too much glory in following "The Path." President Kimball was a great man. He brought a great direction to the Church. He also made those comments almost 40 years ago. This was the same year that Hank Aaron broke Babe Ruth's homerun record. (April 4th he hit his 714th, 4 days later his 715th!). Times have changed a lot since then. I think that it is time that members of the LDS Church begin to come to grips with this. President Hinkley has emphasised education for women. He also taught about the importance of family. As taught by President Kimball, the two can go together. But it may not, nor should it, always go like that. College is an excellent time to find a spouse. But it may not be the only time.

m.g. scott
clearfield, UT

Seems to me that one important fact has been left out of this discussion. There are more women in the world than men, and today there are more women attending college than men. So, the pool for women to find equally yoked partners is harder. Having been in the LDS singles scene for a few years I saw a lot of very well educated and successful LDS women who had put off marriage and now the pickings are slim. I actually somewhat blame the men for not doing their part to make themselves worthy of women who attain higher educations and careers.

Frankness
TALLAHASSEE, FL

Interesting advice, but controversial which, however, doesn't make it false. My advice would be:

1. Go on mission
2. Get married
3. Move to Florida
5. Get college
6. Get career

Yep, pretty much in that order! :)

Boise Bill
Meridian, ID

How about this format:

1.) Go on a mission
2.) do what the spirit tells you to do

We are human beings, each with different potential and ambitions. What's great for my neighbor isn't great for me.

7UD4
KAYSVILLE, UT

Some may find what Susan Patton wrote philosophically offensive, or feel it exposes some injustice to women, or at the very least is a broad generalization. However from a purely pragmatic perspective it may be very wise advice unless you want to play the long odds or tilt at windmills.

ParkCityAggie
Park City, Ut

@Y_is_for_Yale: Bravo, well said. And who could argue with that? I met my wife while attending University, but I also graduated before I married her (knowing she was on a path to graduate). But I wouldn't necessarily recommend that path for everyone. My advice to my nieces and nephews is always to finish college, go out an live a little before tying yourself down. All to often we hear about young marriages ending in divorce, often cited reasons are "we married to young" - thus I say shun the social pressures of antiquated traditions; make your own decisions on the matter, don't let anyone pressure you to get married, tell your ecclesiastical leaders and parents to mind their own, be your own person. That's my advice.

SlopJ30
St Louis, MO

Y_Is_For_Yale's plan, or anti-plan, sounds great, and for the right type of person it will work out delightfully. The one guy in our family that eschewed the "pattern" is the most successful and probably the happiest. But that guy is wired a certain way, for lack of a more clinical term. My take is that most kids don't have the drive or judgement to just "wing it" after high school, assuming a stable adult life is the goal. Obviously the "plan" isn't meant to be rigid, and those who insist on following it step by step may well be headed for intense disappointment, but having a skeletal plan for your major life decisions is not a negative.

Better to have a tentative idea of how life will play out, and then adjust to fit preferences, opportunities, and happenstance than to just wander around, ending up at age 40, going "How did I get here?" There is no perfect life or perfect pattern, but just not having one at all isn't the answer.

rlsintx
Plano, TX

All too often the divorce reason stated as "we married too young" can more accurately be stated by objective individuals close to the situation as "we refused to accept change or reality and grow in maturity".

Nothing wrong with what the lady said - she's wise beyond her 29 years, albeit it a little politically incorrect.

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