Comments about ‘Ask Angela: We've talked about marriage, but he wants to limit future contact with my non-LDS dad’

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Published: Saturday, March 9 2013 5:00 a.m. MST

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east of utah
Saint Joseph, MO

Good answer Angela. Right on the money.

theOtter
Lafayette, IN

Dead on, Angela. Awesome job!

dotGone
Puyallup, WA

Good advice! Life with someone who rules out non-members would be tough. How will your children serve effective missions if non-members have been treated as pariahs all their lives!! Furthermore, I know someone will say this so I will just mention it immediately: Some LDS "fathers" give fatherhood a bad name... Its character and the person, not the religion.... of course, I've lived in the "mission field" all my life... if we were snotty to non-members, we'd be very lonely - and they'd never hear the gospel.
I think she should dump that dude, without telling her father why - don't give him another reason to distance from the gospel!!!

higv
Dietrich, ID

That is ridiciliious to limit contact with nonlds father simply for religious beleif. Defintly never join the church in that situation. There are many good qualities about him. I read on wikipedia some religions shun excommunicants and dissenters. That does not happen in LDS church. He gave fiances family freedom to raise kids ini church.

Reminds me of story in Stephen Robinsons book parents would not attend wedding or welcome kids in home if they didn't get married in temple and daughter got pregnant so couldn't attend temple and were keeping word. HIs response don't condemn but help people not presently living Celestial Law do what they can to eventually live it.

Susan in VA
Alexandria, VA

Oh my... thank you Angela! I can't imagine anyone who would do that just because someone isn't a member of the Church. Imagine his reaction if someone wanted to limit interaction with him because he IS a member. That would be the end of my feelings for him.

moniker lewinsky
Taylorsville, UT

She had to ask the question? I would expect a person to know intuitively and convincingly that this kind of bigotry is wrong. I'm concerned about how this guy's parents raised HIM if he thinks this sort of attitude is okay. Glad I left.
I need to figure out a way to stop seeing these headlines from lds news in my inbox. Infuriating.

duckhunter854
Sequim, WA

Run and don't look back. Demanding estrangement/isolation from family and/or friends is the first step towards spousal abuse. I've seen it too many times. There's a guy out there who will honor you and your parents.

Nanakat
SALT LAKE CITY, UT

Dear Family Portrait, please, oh, please, oh, please, listen to Angela.

As wonderful as this young man may be, if his only reason for wanting to keep your children from your father is that your father is not LDS, then this is not only a deal breaker, but it may be a red flag for abuse.

One of the things certain kind of abusers do is to try to cut their victims off from their families, and while the question only involves your father now, by association, it has to include your mother (unless you make special arrangements to visit her away from her home) and other family members.

Will he want you to stay away from all gatherings of your side of the family? Probably, since your father will be there.

Please remember that there is no One Right One for you. Heavenly Father will help you to find a wonderful young man who will love your family as much as you will love his family, a young man who will be grateful that you have a great father and a great relationship with him.

Trust the Lord and listen to Angela. You'll be glad you did.

MaxxFordham
OREM, UT

Pschh, just because the guy's not LDS? That's just WRONG! That overzealous boyfriend is looking beyond the mark and needs a major attitude adjustment!

Free Agency
Salt Lake City, UT

It sounds as though the guy's own faith is so insecure that he must insulate himself, and his children-to-be, from anyone who doesn't share that faith.

Sad, because true faith is being exposed to all different points of view and then deciding for yourself.

I think his fiancee should ask him, "What's *your* problem with my dad not being Mormon? Because it's not his problem--it's yours."

dotGone
Puyallup, WA

Well, said duckhunter!! yes, isolation is a bad sign... so no one she loves will see bruises.... his attitude is the tip of the iceberg.. maybe not... but maybe...

donn
layton, UT

Honor your Father and Mother which is the first commandment with a promise. Ephesians 6:2,3. God distinguishes father and mother from all other persons on earth, chooses them and sets them next to Himself, occupying the highest place in our lives next to God.

There are Biblical principles involved for Christians. I Corinthians 7:12-16, Paul argues to convince believers that they must not divorce their unbelieving partners, [parents]if their spouses wish to continue being with them. he adds that the believer(Christian) must not divorce the unbeliever who consents to be with him.

"if possible," the To be "sanctified" by the believer (v.14) means that the unbelieving partner(parent) is "set aside" to a "unique" position where he/she is exposed regularly to the gospel(John 3:16) and the Holy Spirit's influences. It does not mean saved.

Years ago when I became a Christian and left the Church my children eventually did as well. My wife is still a Mormon(inactive).

Californian
Santa Ana, CA

Run far and fast. This guy sounds like a controller. Unrighteous dominion.

Californian#1@94131
San Francisco, CA

Sorry, sister. Everything is not even near "almost perfect."

How can anyone in such a family-centered church even think of cutting off his children from their own grandfather or other close kin? Absent any concerns not mentioned in your letter, he should be glad his kids will have loving grandparents.

Nobody else in my family is LDS. I never knew three grandparents, rarely saw the fourth who lived an ocean away. None of them were Christian. I wish I'd known them, and eventually I will. We say "Families can be forever," but we need to act like we really mean it. We also need to act like we mean it when we answer the temple recommend question about our behavior toward family members. Cutting your kids off from their grandparents, IMO, is on the edge.

BF has made himself clear. Even if he does consent to let your kids and your dad see each other, he will do it grudgingly. The children will recognize the tension, your relationship with your own family will be tainted, and no one will be comfortable with the situation. I say you should find someone who really believes in family unity.

sabbyann
WEST JORDAN, UT

I certainly hope whomever wrote in takes the time to read these- It would throw huge red flags. As duckhunter854 pointed out- "Demanding estrangement/isolation from family and/or friends is the first step towards spousal abuse."

Not to mention, how boring would life be if the fiance would never want to know people who had different life experiences?

Now, if there is another reason (such as a past experience, a habit, etc) that causes concern- make sure you talk it through with a counsilor to MAKE SURE you are on equal terms as to how life will be.

MPeace
Provo, Utah

Good advice Angela, and the commenters here are showing great wisdom from life. The one she asked about should take heed if he should read your column, and amend ideas and thoughts about family. -All parents are precious - LDS or not. Even abusive ones -although too physical and mental most times- have insights that can be used -as long as they can be prevented from using the physical and mental abuse that they most often display.

Mimifran
Gymea, NSW

I dont think the member vs non-member argument has anything to do with it. This bloke is eliminating his competition! Plain and simple. He is aware of the bond and protectiveness of a father to his daughter and he wants your dad out of the picture, wants you to doubt your dad's capacity to be a good patriarch and wants to break you two up. If he can destroy your relationship with your dad then he can control you - no prob! Then it will be your mother, then the rest.

Thank goodness he was dumb enough to tell you before the wedding! Mine didn't tell me, he just went behind my back after the wedding and cut me off. I wondered why my parents and siblings no longer wanted anything to do with me. Duck hunter is right on the ball. It is definitely abuse.

Get out now. If something is too good to be true then it is too good to be true and this bloke is untrue!

theshadowknows
Salt Lake, UT

oh...dear... Everyone is talking about possible abuse.

the woman I married never let a thing like this slip. then I found myself chosing between her and the rest of the planet (esp family...who were all LDS). abusive? you have no idea. we made it 10 years (i'm stubborn), with one daughter born to us (there was one night we didn't have issues, I think). now I spend my life force helping that girl get her feet on the ground and make a decent life. this was my life...i have seen others, as well.

do not disregard this woman's advice...pull this thing apart....stay at your personal peril. the abusers always look perfect, at first. say goodnight....

Gracie
Boise, ID

Good answers from almost everyone. My experience stands with those. Give yourself as much distance and time as it takes to get over this guy because any accommodations like this made now are just the beginning of a lifetime--or marriage time, however long it would be--of all manner of agony.

george of the jungle
goshen, UT

A person who works with his hands is a laborer. The person who works with his hands and his head is a craftsman. The person who works with his hands and head and heart is an artist. I thought that is the goal, to make it an art.

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