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Comments about ‘Ask Angela: My LDS singles ward is like a reality show episode and I can't handle it’

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Published: Saturday, March 2 2013 5:00 a.m. MST

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bebot
SHAWNEE MISSION, KS

Attractive people don't have the problems listed above. Guys like girls that they are physically attracted to. If you're 80 lbs overweight at 22 years old how will you be when you're 35? 40? After having 5 kids. Weight problems indicate a lack of discipline and that's a big turn off. Girls that work out, eat healthy, and dress fashionable always get the attention of guys. Girls need to try to look their best. Before everyone calls me shallow, realize its all true.

AskAngela
SALT LAKE CITY, UT

Thanks @bountifulmomofsix! These comments are amazing, by the way. Be sure to check the Ask Angela facebook page for even more conversation on the article. I think and hope WitsEnd has found some great tips here for how to proceed in her ward. I know I have!

cjb
Bountiful, UT

Dear WitsEnd,

Have you heard of the Internet?

SLC gal
Salt Lake City, UT

Her advice is spot on about stop trying to get married. I once decided to stop dating for awhile and focus on my career. That was when I met my husband.

JamesT77
Orlando, FL

"However, I do know that women tend to make an Extra effort to impress...Now I don't want to hurt your feelings, but if no one around is you trying to impress, you might need to look within." Ironically this attitude identifies the problem Bomar22 was referring to. Guys can see right through someone who is trying to impress. It's just a facade that hides the real person.

IMO who wouldn't want someone that always takes good care of themselves, and not just on special occasions to impress. If you have self confidence and believe in your own self worth, it will show. Being honest and genuine works a lot better than trying to overly impress. Set goals, progress in life, take care of yourself (economically, physically etc.). Show others that you are the complete package, not just someone who can bake cookies. When you improve your own standing, good things will happen.

raybies
Layton, UT

Angela's advice is perfe
ct, and how it worked for me. Before having a change of heart regarding how to find my Savior in a single's ward, I saw the ward as being a big meat market. I felt like the girls only paid attention to the EQ Presidents and those with "important" callings. It felt like there was a competition to get their attention, but no sort of attention was ever directed my way. I started to get really jaded about the whole experience and even debated going at all. Then one day, I realized I needed to repent and go to church to have the Savior in my life. The very next week, for me, the experience was different--so positive! Nobody there had changed, but my outlook had changed, and it made all the difference.

Eventually, an appartment of girls invited me to join a dinner group with some other guys in the ward. I got to courage to ask one of those lovely angels out on a date. And the rest is my family history. I didn't marry straight out of my mission, but I am happy I waited for the right one.

SISTASinZION
Zion, UT

Amen AskAngela! Yes put down the cookies WitsEnd, save the baking for committed relationships. And maybe Bomar22's delivery could have been more tactful, but not all women innately know to pump up the volume in the looks department when dating, but let's not front like it's just the women either. Men could use the same advice minus the makeup.

funinutah
Lehi, UT

As an over 40 single in the LDS church, I have been through many experiences in both single and family wards. I have learned that it is important to serve others and become the best person you can be. I went through times when I tried everything and went to everything I could with the intention of meeting someone to marry. It didn't bring me happiness, just discouragement and frustration. I learned to get involved in things I enjoyed doing and that made me feel happy. I really just accepted that being single was how I would spend my life. I didn't even go on dates for years at a time and the ones I did go on were not all that great. I didn't give up but I did live life to the fullest I could. I am getting married soon but it didn't happen because of anything I did or didn't do from what I can see. It is the right time and he is the right person for me. Just be happy with who you are and what you are doing whether you are single or married. Stop being obsessed with getting married.

ShmittyWitty
Maple Valley, WA

LDS women are every bit as guilty if not worse then the men. I've never been around a group of women who have felt so entitled to Mr. Perfect.

abtrumpet
Provo, UT

I'm going to add my 2 cents. I am a 23 year-old man in the BYU dating scene and it has really worn me down. All these issues that the OP wrote are exactly what I deal with! How ironic is that? I just constantly feel that girls treat me like "the grass is always greener on the other side, and I found someone better than you." I think I'm worth getting to know, but you can't really convince anyone else of that.
Also, my mom keeps giving me the same advice as everyone else here: forget trying to find someone and focus on your school/life. My question to them is: do you know what it's like to be a single, early/mid-20s man? I just have a hard time taking advice like this because it feels like they're saying, "give up, forget about your dreams and wait 40 years and then we'll see what happens." I know it's not true! ;) Really, I do. But, in my heart, I feel completely misunderstood.

Waltz # 2
,

Fair enough, bebot. However, please don't act like women are the only ones with this problem. I've come across many guys during my time dating who spend all their time eating junk food in front of the television and show up to church looking like they slept in their clothes expecting a physically fit, well-dressed super model to marry them.

While girls are not perfect, I feel like men in the church would greatly benefit from learning to watch their weight, take care of their physical appearance, practice good hygiene, and dress well. You men cannot expect to have physically fit, well-dressed, successful women give you the time of day while you sit back on the couch in your rattieset sweats stuffing your faces with Nacho Cheese Doritos. I've come across so many guys in the church who have this attitude and their entitlement complex - that they deserve the best without have to work for it despite their own flaws - is a HUGE turn-off.

JohnDoe
Chicago, IL

Bomar22 is exactly right, and it is not in the least bit shallow, to be as attractive as you yourself are able. What does it say to potential suitors, both men and women, if you are not willing to keep yourself in good physical shape. I spent ten years as a personal trainer and for every overweight 3 that hired me and was determined not to live their lives that way, I turned out an in shape 8. It is amazing what a difference getting in shape will make for anyone, and eventually you will understand that you will get more out of it than just being more appealing to men, it will change your life forever. Those that get offended by such honesty are those who have given up and choose to live their lives out of shape, and that is sad. Aunt Sue... um, not so much, sorry. Men want to feel wanted, as in wanted by their women, no different than women want to feel wanted by their men. That doesn't mean we want to get "courted" by being asked to move furniture, lol! That was great, really, but not the best advice I've ever heard.

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