Quantcast

Comments about ‘Ask Angela: My LDS singles ward is like a reality show episode and I can't handle it’

Return to article »

Published: Saturday, March 2 2013 5:00 a.m. MST

Comments
  • Oldest first
  • Newest first
  • Most recommended
george of the jungle
goshen, UT

Let go and let God. Every game has rules and boundaries. Every one has to play fair.

Bomar22
Roberts, ID

I would add one thing to Angela's suggestions. Make yourself as attractive as possible. If you're overweight, lose the extra pounds. Learn the basics of good makeup, take pride in fixing your hair and learn to dress well. None of these need be expensive, in fact they can all be accomplished with little or no additional expense.

Raeann Peck
Salt Lake City, UT

Don't wait. Choose happiness now. Don't court guys who may never marry anyway. You might find a companion in a most unexpected way. Love might sneek up and embrace you when you're least expecting it.

B1essed
Lehi, Ut

I came to leave a comment and almost fell out of my chair reading Bomar22's comment. Wow! I will give the benefit of the doubt that Bomar22 was going for a big laugh, but come on- time and place... (Because obviously no one is oblivious to the laws of attraction and needs to be told to get attractive. Only someone who married straight out of high school and never tread the singles ward waters, or is stuck on looks only and not on an eternal relationship, would make a comment like that.)

B1essed
Lehi, Ut

I felt for the writer "WitsEnd". I got married at 29 and had years of experience in Singles Wards. The most frustrating thing for a girl in a singles ward is the attitude of the brethren. Most made sure that any woman in the ward knew that they were not interested in dating WITHIN the ward. They said it would be too awkward to attend church if it didn't work out. So the concept of a singles ward was obviously lost on them. Now this was years ago, so hopefully it has changed...

The other frustration was the girls "graduating" at 30, while guys hung around preying on 18 year olds for years to come. Their pool continued to grow whiles ours dried up. That's fun...

Sorry for the less than glowing remarks on singles wards, they do have their time and place and I really did love my time there. Like Raeann said, don't chase so hard. Just have fun and you will be amazed at the time and place you meet that special someone. (Mine was not in a singles ward, and eight years and three kids later, I am happier than I could ever have believed).

Bomar22
Roberts, ID

Well, well Blessed Lehi, you have not paid attention to the frumpy single women, who do not care how they look or don't know how to fix themselves up.

JTO
Centerville, UT

Excellent advice. Church is for worship and strength. Making friends is a plus, meeting your spouse is a bonus. Look beyond your ward boundaries as well. Try online dating sites (and note: the bigger sites allow you to filter by religion). As always, beware imposters and date with caution.

Fern RL
LAYTON, UT

I was a frumpy, but thin, 33-year old girl who didn't know how to fix herself up when I met the man I eventually married. I did happen to smile at him simultaneously to when he smiled at me in a class we were taking, though. Fortunately, he was able to be my friend until we got to know each other well enough to decide to date. He helped me shop for some clothes that made me look better; and he brought out my personality. We hugged near the beginning of our first date--an office Christmas party. I had been in several singles wards before that time, but he was 23, living at home, and attending his home ward. In short, he became my best friend.

I agree with Angela: Don't go to church only for the purpose of meeting men. Develop your relationship with our loving Father in Heaven and let Him guide you to the place where you might meet someone who is more compatible with you. Smile.

I have a nearly 30 year old son and a 26 year old daughter who go to singles wards, as did my married daughters. It is a struggle.

B1essed
Lehi, Ut

Bomar22, I do not know your exact experience. However, I do know that women tend to make an Extra effort to impress (which can be subjective as every person tries to impress in different ways, you seem to term the effort to "get attractive") when they are trying to catch someones eye, or feel they are around someone worth the extra effort. Now I don't want to hurt your feelings, but if no one around is you trying to impress, you might need to look within.

The most useful advice I ever received, was Be the person your ideal mate would want to meet. If you are looking for someone to be sealed to in the Temple, make sure you are worthy yourself. If you are looking for someone strong in the Church, who attends their meetings and honors their callings, make sure you attend All meetings etc. as well. If you want to meet someone who could look past any faults you might have (or baggage/history), make sure you practice that same unconditional love. When you are striving to be charitable, loving, happy, etc., you will attract the same. Good Luck out there! :)

utah cornhusker
NORFOLK, NE

I lived in Utah for 16 years. I had dated so many jerks that I had totally given up on finding the right one. I had a very severe injury to my foot and was in cast and crutches for 2.5 years. I was on disability for a while and my parents sent me a plane ticket to come back home to Nebraska to visit. Needless to say the clothes I brought home were the comfy ones that were loose fitting due to my casts. My sister worked at the nursing home and there was a gentleman there that wanted to ask me for a date so he called. Went on the first date and we were married civilly 8 months later. At the time I met him he was not a member. But the lord told me he was the right one and he joined 3'months after meeting me. We were old by standards I was 35 and he was 39. We were sealed in the Denver temple a year after our civil marriage. We will now be celebrating our 19th wedding in a few weeks. I always went to singles wards because I felt more at home.

JoeBlow
Far East USA, SC

Maybe one could broaden the field. There are lots of good guys who don't go to single ward, or any other wards for that matter.

Just sayin.....

bountifulmomofsix
BOUNTIFUL, UT

Angela, I don't know how you do it! I have LOVED all of your advice and this last piece was awesome! You are awesome!

AkMama
ANCHORAGE, AK

Wits End, you are trying waaay too hard. Stop making free cookies. Quit inviting them over to dinner. Get a hobby, other than husband hunting. Find someplace to volunteer your time and talents. Learn to make friends with people, male AND female. Magnify your ward calling. Quit obsessing about marriage, you'll make yourself mentally ill. Read John Bytheway's "What I Wish I'd Known When I Was Single". Learn to be happy as you are right now. Also, listen to Blessed's advice (see above).

And for those hating on Bomar22, he (yes, I'm making an assumption here) has a valid point. If you have two packages with identical contents, the fancy one always gets chosen first. Fair, no. Reality, yes. I've seen a lot of younger women with very high standards for their future mate, whose standards for themselves wasn't nearly as high. Maybe a reality check with the mirror (and a professional counselor or very trusted fried) is in order.

Angela is right, church is for worship. We often meet our spouses there, but not always. So go to church to worship, and accept God's plan for you, whatever it is.

Jemezblue
Albuquerque, NM

For all those suffering singles, I am one too, and I have given up of meeting someone in this lifetime, especially in the "most romantic church on earth." (my feelings whenever I walk into a church bookstore) However, I choose not to get overworked about it. Church is for worship and learning how to become more like Christ. Singles dances and other activities are to help us fellowship each other.
My advice: Have fun during this time, enjoy your friends and learn more about the church.
The best thing you can do during this time is to find you lifetime "calling" and go for it! After a company I worked for went bankrupt, I went back to school and I am working on my Master's degree. The work I am planning on doing and that I am doing right now is my life's passion. And I know that I am following Heavenly Father's plan for me. Is marriage still in my future? Probably, but I have left that up to Heavenly Father and I work the best way I know for Him.

Aunt Sue
SALT LAKE CITY, UT

Men need to feel needed. Ask one to help with a project, or teach you a skill, or jump your car, or move furniture. Then give the cookies in thanks.

Grace
Bakersfield, CA

I see excellent advice in all comments here. They mirror the ones we give our Baptist singles in our Sunday School class. My husband and I have been teaching in our Singles Division for 11 years and this is a universal problem for religious singles throughout the world. We hear the same laments from Muslim, Jewish, JW, 7th-Day, Bahaii and other single adults! Many of our secular single friends are tiring of the bar scene and sneaking into our Christian events.

I was impressed with Angela's wisdom: Be true to who God calls you to be, be true to yourself, serve Him and trust in Him. That includes presenting yourself with the best He has adorned you, but not to obsessiveness. Yes, your desperateness can be sensed by your actions and demeanor.

Take heart from those true experiences that give you the positive ending for those who waited.

We will be celebrating our 25th anniversary this summer and it will be glorious! I can tell you that I felt lost and unloved 27 years ago, a divorced mother of 5, after 14 years of an unhappy marriage, where I had followed all the rules.

Grace
Bakersfield, CA

I should have added that I had no intentions of remarrying only 2 years later, a man who was a good friend, but 10 years younger and never married before! But love is strange and we had found Jesus together. We were so excited about our discovery that it consumed all our study and volunteer time. We were true 'Jesus freaks' and because that consumed our lives, we became kindred souls.

We both worked at a retail store and never considered a future together. We just attended mutual Bible studies together, and treasured our friendship. The love came later and today my children have benefitted from having the best step-dad in the world; he is 17 years younger than their dad.

My message to Christian singles is to be true to your God and He will bless you in ways you have not imagined. 25 years ago I was a divorced mother of 5. My "good friend" was 10 years younger, I encouraged him who to date, and he had just graduated from college.

Today he is a "rocket scientist" with 2 Masters, writing his doctorate thesis. God is faithful!

Brahmabull
sandy, ut

The main problem is that the youth of the church are expected to get married as soon as they turn 20 or 21. The men are expected to get married as soon as they get back from their missions. I can't count the number of times I was asked when I was getting married within the first 3 months of returning home. It is alot of pressure. Marriage happens when it happens, their is no timetable and a person who is LDS and single at age 27 should not be looked at negatively. Everybody is different. Don't get married due to family and religious pressure, as that is a recipe for a failed marriage.

debmiester
RIVERTON, UT

Lots of great advice on here. What I would like to add is, make sure you are happy with you. Remember that no "one" can "make" you happy. Do what you need to do for yourself. 1-Strengthen your relationship with your Heavenly Father, Savior and Holy Ghost. 2-Make friends and DO things! Movies, road trips, dinners and service projects.
Basically, make your life fulfilling now and be happy on your own. You never know when someone that is your match (and I don't think there's just one out there) will come along. Be happy until that happens.
I have noticed that both men AND women are more attracted to those that are happy and relaxed and not on the "hunt".
Be the best that you can be for you, before anything else. Bloom where you are.

TeeMo
Logan, UT

I think there's some good wisdom in this article about singles wards. I'm 27, still single, and have been attending singles wards since I got home from my mission 6 1/2 years ago. I'd be lying if I said I've always been able to see the positive, and that I've always had a perfect hope and faith for marriage when the time is right. Quite honestly when you see all of your friends, family, and even your younger siblings get married before you, you sometimes feel discouraged and wonder what you're doing wrong. Of all the different emotions I've gone through, one of the wisest counsels I've received was from one of my YSA bishops, "sometimes I feel we need to spend more of our time working towards becoming the right person rather than finding the right person; as we do this I feel the Lord will help put the right people in our paths." My bishop wasn't removing our responsibility to date and seek companionship, especially us brethren, but his words have helped me remember that becoming more christ-like is more vital to dating than always being on the "hunt".

to comment

DeseretNews.com encourages a civil dialogue among its readers. We welcome your thoughtful comments.
About comments