Everybody has the magical answers to all the problems and issues, don't
they?Why not just accept each person for whom they are and develop a
life together with your spouse? There's no need to take anything
personally but we choose to do that and then we are miserable.Thank
heavens my family relationships are more mature than petty assertions,
jealousies and hurt feelings when no harm was intended. I thnk my getting
married later in life contributed to a healthier relationship to the extended
family of my bride and she set a fine example in accepting and loving my family,
too. We worked at it together and were honest with each other about others and
we have been happy in such a relationship. Respect has been returned to us.
Chris B - From your post I am starting to understand the chip on your shoulder.
Thanks for sharing.
BYU TRack star- she probably felt major grief when her father died, then when
your father left and then died. Could be that she felt enormous grief even
depression, and blamed her feelings on you. Kind of like getting sick after
eating ice cream - hard to ever feel that way about the ice cream again.
Counseling would probably help her to become more self-aware about the why...and
you too. Sad.
I have a fabulous mother-in-law, but like the article suggests is common, I took
her comments internally as criticism rather than as helpful advice. If she
suggested it, I wanted to do the total opposite. I felt the need to assert my
right to learn and grow as a wife and mother without her "butting in."
She had years of experience, but I felt entitled to my own growth and
development without her constant input. After 20+ years, we understand each
other's boundaries, and I now seek out her advice. It's so much
different to ask for and want advice than it is to feel like it's being
thrust upon me. Don't overstep those bounds. I remember how I'd read
it was healthy for a baby's immunity to be solely breast-fed for the first
6 months. I expressed this to my MIL, then was very angry to come home and find
her feeding my son his first cereal at 4 months. I felt undermined. Discuss the
boundaries, stick to them, and let experience and time bring you eventually
What a bunch of sexism and hypocrisy. I don't know if the reporter
accurately reported the conclusion of the study (the bit about men needing to
support in-laws without boundaries is pretty scant on quotations), but if it is,
this is just a cooked project to present the same sort of logic spewed on TV
shows like "the View" or "Oprah."That men must
always do everything possible to support the relationship with the in-laws in
order to show support for their wives, while women should have clear boundaries
and in many cases subordinate the relationship to her personal feelings, simply
gives the impression that women should perpetuate this double-standard in their
marriages (and other double-standards entitlements by corollary). No wonder 50%
of marriages end within 10 years and that 85% of those marriages end with women
petitioning divorce.Successful marriages require efforts without
"boundaries" by both spouses. Having a mother-in-law can be a tyrannical
force in your life. Dealing with it is much more complicated than the ridiculous
bromides offered by this so called researcher.
When we moved back to my hometown in L.A. We were two miles away from my Folks.
My kids treasure that grandparent time. My wife became close with my folks. We
lost my Mom then a couple years later my Dad remarried and moved away. My wife
was the daughter he never had. He died several years ago. She had lost her Dad
when she was 17. I wonder if losing my Dad twice, first when he moved away and
then when he actually died. After he passed was part of the causation of my
divorce. She said my Dad filled a lot of roles that I didn't. Ouch. How
unfair, he was retired and I had to go to work to provide for the family. That
was my first inkling that my marriage was in trouble. Any insights fellow
readers? I was in a no win situation.
I'm not marring her, my son is. But I gotta say some thing when I can see
what's coming down the road or if I'm going to have to be involved in
something I don't want to be. Personal responsibility is more than hygiene.
I agree with this. MY ex-wife was an inactive Mormon, and her parents couldnt
go one week without trying to convert me and bring her back.It wore
on both of us.
It's a bit hard to leave it behind when your future MIL tells your then
fiance that he shouldn't marry you. Then tells you that every date you
choose for the wedding won't work because they have this or that. She also
citizes every choice you make in planning for your day. Then as life goes on she
tells you that your child is a lier and trouble maker because your husband was a
bad child too. It's just a bit hard to leave it behind.BTW the
family joke is that we are living the show Everybody Loves Raymond. Unfortunatly
for me, I'm married to Robert the oldest brother.