Comments about ‘BYU study shows young adults, parents differ on best age to marry’

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Published: Friday, Nov. 30 2012 5:00 a.m. MST

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Bill Shakespeare
Salt Lake City, UT

That groom in the picture best think twice before trying anything funny. His lovely bride has a couple of pythons for arms! Amazing!

nrajr
SANDY, UT

From my LDS point of view, prophets have counseled on the subjects of when people should marry and the nature of parent – adult child relationships. God gave us prophets and personal revelation so we don’t have to plow through and experiment with the myriad of ideas out there on how to live our lives, and how to be happy. But regardless of religious persuasion, I believe parents should help their adult children make wise choices, but respect their children's right to make their own decision. Today, in our hubris, we disregard the wisdom of history and experience in favor supposed independence. The result is the same mistakes, with accompanying consequences, repeated time and again.

JoeBlow
Far East USA, SC

"God gave us prophets and personal revelation so we don’t have to plow through and experiment with the myriad of ideas out there on how to live our lives, and how to be happy."

People are different. Some 23 year olds are more than ready. Others, far too immature.

There is NO right age. One size does not fit all, regardless of where the council comes from.

kargirl
Sacramento, CA

There's no age limit on making mistakes and no minimum age to get the right answer. Even widows or widowers can remarry and be unwise in their choice. First time, though, I would suggest that at least a year living on one's own, actually paying one's own way, getting up for work and making one's own decisions, would go far in knowing what it means to meet life head-on. A person needs to handle his/her own self before attempting to become part of "we".

nrajr
SANDY, UT

Re: JoeBlow
I did not suggest that there is a specific marriage age. My comments were based on LDS belief (which I believe most Deseret News readers are), that God communicates with those who will listen through living prophets and personal revelation. The idea of personal revelation should indicative that we believe that the “when” of marriage is a very personal thing, and that a loving Heavenly Father, who knows us best, can tell us when the time is right. I was not making any suggestions to those who do not share those beliefs.

Janet
Ontario, OR

One of our daughters married at 18, one at 24, one at 28, one at 31... The quality of each one's choice had nothing to do with the age at which she married. It was more about how well she knew herself, how well she knew her future husband, and how well she knew what she wanted out of life.

Y Ask Y
Provo, UT

Would you look at the guns on that bride in the picture! I bet she benches 250 at least. She looks old enough to marry to me. Just watch out, Mr. Groom, or she will clean your clock!

first2third
Elmo, UT

Facts:

1. Parents want kids to marry later in life
2. Kids are marring later in life.

3. First time in history kids are listening to parents!

A Scientist
Provo, UT

nrajr,

Oh, I get it. "Personal revelation" = do what you want and blame it on god.

Makes perfect sense.

Dennis
Harwich, MA

@Keven J. K...Return Missionaries are a clueless as they were when they went out when it comes to relationships. Your opinion on this matter resounds in missed college opportunities, babies that can't be supported, a burden on parents and blown relationships. That's reality. A fairy tale is what you described.

Diligent Dave
Logan, UT

Though I was 26 when I married (my wife was 19), I found that getting married, having children, did as much to help "raise" me (to higher levels of maturity) than just getting older did (or would have further). There is only so much that one can mature as an unmarried person. Like marital intimacy and many other things, there is only so far that one can progress as an unmarried person. Physical intimacy alone, in fact, without being married, lacks the commitment that those who are married, and take their marriage vows seriously, cannot help an individual to accomplish.

I've heard and read so many individuals say, as the Glenn Campbell song of decades ago put it,

...I'm not shackled
By forgotten words and bonds
And the ink stains that have dried upon some line...
...(That keeps you ever gentle on my mind)

Sorry, but 'Gentle on (one's) mind' doesn't pay the mortgage, the electricity, the gas bill, the water bill, etc

Marriage between a man and woman is essential to the survival of society. Early 20's (versus later 20's or early 30's) is better for having enough children to keep society viable in having enough children.

Kevin J. Kirkham
Salt Lake City, UT

Sorry Dennis, but my points weren't advocating young marriage, but rather saying that devout LDS kids have a lot more going for them for having a successful marriage than non-LDS kids of similar age. Whether it's a good idea for any given individual is not for you or I to judge.

RMs live with someone they care about and want to have a good relationship with. That's different than putting on a good face for a few hours on a date. They learn about compromise and negotiating household chores.

We know that LDS are not underrepresented in the upper echelons of industry so getting married earlier than others doesn't seem to hurt LDS couples. It may actually help as I posited previously.

Tanya w
Cottonwood Heights, UT

@Diligent Dave, re: "There is only so much that one can mature as an unmarried person. Like marital intimacy and many other things, there is only so far that one can progress as an unmarried person."

I'm sure you are well meaning. Certainly people "progress" a lot through the experiences of marrying and having children. Some single people progress more than married people because of who they are and their life choices. I agree that for myself marriage put me in a new world of growth that eclipsed the trials of being single and waiting until 30 to find my right companion. Nevertheless, it's not our place to make anyone who is single feel that they cannot be as good or mature since they are single. That is prejudicial thinking that doesn't help people feel comfortable with their place in this world. Some of the best people I know have never married... some of them over 50. Perhaps the truth is that they didn't need the difficult experiences of marriage and children to accomplish their purpose in this life and to be prepared to return to heaven as much as most of us marrieds need them!

Tanya w
Cottonwood Heights, UT

Also, it would have been interesting to see the results of a similar study at BYU, since religious ideals could radically affect the outcome.

Older Mom
Roswell, GA

I think the reason parents may be steering their own children to marry older is to avoid some of the pitfalls they encountered when they were first married. For me I married after my first year of college. I married a RM in the temple and gave up school to support our family while he finished college. After being married about 3 years he started drinking, smoking, selling and using drugs, being unfaithful. From what I later learned he had problems before he went on a mission, but somehow was able to go. His family did not say anything because they were afraid I would back out of the engagement, and he did not tell me. I did not have an education, and I had two small children. I had to endure, I was stuck. He later left me and I remarried a wonderful man that I have been married to for over 20 years.

I had a friends where the wife worked and put the husband through school only to be left when he graduated. I want my all of my children to have and education before they marry so they are not stuck like I was.

Rose Jorgensen
BLACKWOOD, NJ

I converted to the church at 20, moved to Utah and married at 22. I'm 41 and all is well even with those never ending trials, but times have changed as well as generations. I have four children, and my oldest will be graduating high school in 2013. I personally would love for all our children to finish their education before marriage, but if they find that special someone...I guess it'll be okay. My husband & I didn't finish college, and we'd like for our kids to do better than us. No matter what age they marry they are going to have some debt. That's why its best to teach them about finances while they are young. These days our youth need that piece of paper to get a decent job.

raybies
Layton, UT

The best thing my parents did for me as at age 23, about the time I finished my bachelor's degree, and was moving into master's work, to kick me out of the house. They were disappointed that I'd shown no interest in dating (it was expensive and awkward, sheer social torture... and why torture myself when mom's doing the laundry, preparing the meals, and school's all I had to worry about?). I got an appartment alone, and found that coming home alone every night with no one to share my day really sucked. It changed the way I viewed dating and personal responsibility. It took me a couple years of effort, but eventually I found someone I could convince to marry me. It was the best decision I ever made, and thankfully mommy and daddy had little to do with the decision--other than the initial shove out of the nest.

I'll forever be grateful for parents who insisted I move on with my life, in more ways than just my education...

  • 7:46 a.m. Dec. 5, 2012
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