Life, delayed only occurs when they're living in my basement. My son and
his girlfriend are shacked up, not in my basement. I don't care if they get
married or not; it doesn't make their relationship any less special. At
least they're learning and growing as people. About half the time now
marriage is a mistake. I can't blame the kids for staying away from it.
I think that many young people who graduate from college or university are
getting poor advice about how to find a job. In days gone by, one could wait
till the end of senior year to do job-seeking - but the rules have changed. A
successful student still can find good work at a good salary that will support
an adult, married life- but they must begin searching one year before they
graduate. My two daughters graduated magna cum laude from their
respective undergraduate programs. Many of their peers with similar academic
records did not find work- but my daughters did. Here is why: they began their
search, in earnest, in September of their final year of undergraduate study.
They went to a lot of interviews, sent a lot of emails, and sent a pile of
resumes and cover letters out during the entire year. They both had excellent,
well-paying jobs waiting for them just a week after graduation. They were
positioned to start a family right away, if they so chose.If couples
want to marry after graduating from college, they should do well in school and
make sure that they start the job search early.
I feel badly for those who really believe that life is better alone, or living
with someone, married or otherwise, who think that putting off kids till later
in life is a good plan.As someone whose had ups and downs financially, I
find the constance of happiness, joy and pleasure in my 4 kids, their spouses
and the 10 beautiful grandkids to be the ultimate source of true happiness.I'm still young enough, because we didn't wait until our 30's
or 40's to have children.So I am able to enjoy doing active adult
things with my kids and also wrestle and play with my grand kids.I
wouldn't take a million dollars right now in exchange for the experiences
I've already had with my family.And I expect to be able to enjoy many
more years of being an active part of their lives.To me, that is the
truest form of happiness in this life. But hey, maybe that's just me ;)
My fiance is an ex-mormon and is almost 30. While still an active member I
can't tell you the pressure and guilt she felt (internally from the culture
more so than people pushing it on her) to hurry up and marry and have kids.
She's wanted kids for years but hasn't found a man willing to wait
till marriage for sex until she met me. This includes a few missionaries who
burned her.Not everyone wants to wait but circumstances happen. Some
want to wait (like me) because I don't want to raise a family when I'm
still becoming a man myself. If you can't take care of yourself yet
don't bring in dependents. It's irresponsible.
Due to the recent economic downturn, I wanted to put off marriage... but my wife
of 25 years wasn't interested in that.
The people just need more Faith, I tell you. Do the right thing and trust
in God to help you work it out.That's what we did. Get married while
in School, have a couple of kids in school, miracles happened --- It is an
exciting adventure, our culture is demanding too high of a lifestyle. Young
marrieds can grow together by making it though challenges.
It's absolutely ridiculous that young people are getting criticized for not
marrying until *gasp* mid-twenties. How dare they not marry the moment
they're out of high school or back from a mission. Perhaps the
divorce-happy generation of our parents is a big contributor to this problem. We
have all seen the vitriol and ugliness of divorce from our parents and the
parents of friends who did get married impoverished and too young. Perhaps young
people want to wait and truly know the person they marry and have financial
stablity in hopes of avoiding divorce rather than jump in to marriage because a
church or nation or parents tells them to. Finances are the greatest cause of
divorce. I don't think it's irrational to want to have that part of
one's life be stable before entering marriage in hopes of avoiding
Mukkake,I don’t know if there ever is “the
one”.But whether you rush or take it slow, I promise that you
WILL have to work to make it last. I have never met a long-married couple who
said otherwise.Do you give up some of your own dreams and
preferences? Yes. That is part of the making of a couple. The marriage is a
new thing, not two people with their own agendas.Do you have to
change your personality? A bit. We all have some edges that need to come off.
The rough and tumble of marriage will help in that process.Will you
“settle”? I don’t know you. Most young couples are madly in
love. But then the realities of building a life together require some
accommodation.Your final statements about getting “the best
deal”, “try out some different models”, and “keep
the receipt . . if the product doesn't function as advertiswd (sic)”
worry me.Those are tough attitudes. Be careful that the educated
consumers might be those you are dating. They may be less interested in a
It's really VERY simple: We live in a big world with lots of people,
chances are you can find your ideal match, if you're willing to be patient.
I really fail to believe that the person you met at a local bar or in a freshman
Gen Ed class is "the One".People rush into these things, and
have to "work" to make it last, usually by giving up a piece of their
own dreams and preferences. You shouldn't have to change your personality
and aspirations to accommodate a person that you barely knew when you married.
There's nothing noble in "settling" and, no matter how many excuses
they make about "finding themselves by serving another", they're
dead behind the eyes.My consumer lifestyle does play into my
unmarried status. I've learned not just to take the best deal at the time,
but to save up, do research, try out some different models, and make an educated
purchase.Also, keep the receipt, and if the product doesn't
function as advertiswd, return it. You shouldn't have to live with a lousy
product you were tricked into buying.
One of the biggest problems with consciously putting off marriage and family is
that far to many get so wrapped up in the pursuit of toys and trappings of
financial success they instead create a frivolous, hedonistic and self centered
lifestyle. You shouldn't get married or have children until you are ready,
but what they put off is getting ready. Two can't live as cheaply as one
but two possible wage earners or support system gives couples more economic
choices. Just food for thought!
Only in the Mormon culture would people give sarcastic support for people
waiting to be in their mid-late 20's to marry. Have you ever
thought that if people waited a few years they might not go into marriage so
financially (and emotionally) blind and perhaps spend a few less years in abject
poverty while trying to start a family? With a few more years, both people in
the relationship (not just the man who was able to graduate on time because the
wife worked his way through college) might feel fulfilled on a personal and
economic level.Instead, people in Utah get pressure to marry young
because the financial struggle is supposed to draw people closer---people who
have not known each other as adults for more than a few months. Here's my
contribution to the sarcasm in this thread: Sounds like a really great
financial model to blindly follow.
Don't spend anything on the wedding beyond the marriage license. If you
have to get a ring, dont get a diamond one. Put the difference into emergency
savings. Put the difference into a Roth IRA. Put the difference a house.
Unless you are living with parents, living together is less expensive than
Being ready to marry and being ready to have kids are two very different things.
By marrying, you can cut living expenses (one apartment instead of two, cooking
for two instead of one, etc) and you can continue to grow as a person and as a
couple. THEN when you feel like you are ready, go ahead and bring kids into the
world. One of the biggest mistakes young married couples do is to immediately
start having kids. Too much too soon can really put a strain on a young family
when waiting could have worked wonders for them.
While they are putting off "marriage" they are not putting off living
together and having children together. I have seen this happen all too often.
It's not always the expense of getting married but more, the fear of
expense of divorce.
Children don't have to be expensive - it is not about keeping up with thr
Joneses. If you do not have the $ for the birth, there is help for that. Cloth
diapers still exist, plus baby showers and thrift stores. Friends have always
shared maternity and kids clothes, and a used pack n play works better than a
crib sized for 6 year olds who would NEVER sleep in one that long. --- age
is a natural boundary limiting how long you can delay children :(What if
Abraham Lincolns' parents had felt they were to poor to have kids?
I don't understand the rationale in putting off marriage because of
economic reasons. Rent & utilities are shared among two earners, so if
boyfriend/girlfriend are living alone they will probably be better off married.
If wedding costs are the concern, don't throw a $10,000 wedding. And no one
is forcing you at gunpoint to buy a house & have children right away. Children are another matter. Expensive, expensive, expensive. If
we're purely talking finances here, they are the single biggest mistake you
can make unless you spawn the next Justin Bieber. Young couples are well advised
to put off parenthood until they can afford it, and they shouldn't let any
cultural or religious pressure convince them otherwise.
Aren't there some folks there in Salt Lake that have some advice on this
subject? I would go with their counsel before that of some institute.
Maybe some people just don't want to get married young. Maybe they'd
rather enjoy some of what's left of their youth before they start a family.
Maybe it's none of your business. Maybe it's not my responsibility to
get married and pop out babies for some bizarre notion that it improves the
country to overpopulate.Or maybe I just don't like other
people. Either way, I don't like being preached to about it.
By the way... neither Elizabeth nor I had a degree when we got married. No
career established. We were just fun loving kids having a great, extended date.
Loved it. "Cohabitation" is another myth in our society.
Living together first does NOT improve your chances for a successful marriage.
That's a fact from those who do the studies.
When we dated, the economy was worse than it is now. Unemployment higher. We
wanted to be together and got married. After a great honeymoon, we arrived at
our apartment (meagerly furnished, no TV, DI couch, bed from her grandmother,
and the plates and cookware we got from the wedding reception). The next day as
we were lounging I asked, "How much do we have in our (now combined) bank
account?" She didn't know. I didn't. The next day we went to the
bank and found we had little... not enough to make next month's rent, let
alone groceries. She looked at me and said, "Any ideas?" "Sure,"
I said, "one of us ought to get a job." So, I got a job flipping
hamburgers and she found one as a clerk in a construction office. We built out
lives together. We did fine in our struggles.
Cohabitation is never an option for those who really care.
To Voice of Reason:Or some people might just want to have a job and
some security before getting married and having children...
I need an ipad, an iphone, the wireless "plans" to pay for both of them
each month- I need a subscription to the latest cloud software like MS Office or
Adobe Creative Cloud- I need a new computer every 2 years, and a new Wii-U, and
a new this and that.Oh, and that doesn't even start to cover
the cost of all the apps I need to buy for these new toys.It's
no wonder that the generation of "toy-buyers" doesn't feel like
they have the financial security to afford Marriage. I belong to this
generation, so by all means I'm not standing outside pretending to have
experiences I don't. I have a first-hand account of this and knowingly
discuss the problems. Of course, there are different people with different
reasons. But financial priorities is a big one. As long as you can afford to
move into a place together, you can afford marriage. With the support of
families and those who live at home for a while, some couples don't even
have the money to do that.Very few people can rationally claim that
it's "due to the economy".
It's none of my business, if they want to marry later, that's entirely
up to them.