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Comments about ‘Mormon Parenting: Eyres: Guys, make marriage your goal’

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Published: Friday, July 20 2012 5:00 a.m. MDT

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gottscheer
APO, AE

I think that the Eyre's look at this simplistically because they have a great marriage and probably never have experienced in there family bad marriages. Many children are not that
fortunate to be raised by perfect families and many kids grow up in dysfunctional homes. I think that much of what creates this is fear. Look the mess our country is in, do we really think things are going to get better in the world. I think many young people have fear for the future and are not ready to commit to a long term relationship. I have fear for my own children and what will be there future in the coming years. I know and understand what the Eyre's are trying to say, but we live in a wicked world and only the naive can think that doesn't affect our young peoples lives.

NeilT
Clearfield, UT

I am single and would love to be married. Ir is not just the men. Most single women my age are divorced. They have children, grandkids, careers and many are better off financially than I am. I do try to date. It is discouraging. Many women have poor attitudes towards attending singles functions. I have heard some mean comments about singles dances. They seem unwilling to find the time or make the effort to date. Dating seemed a lot of simpler in my high school and college days. I feel many reject me because I never had children of my own when I was married. One lady told me her 16 year old daughter was convinced I didn't like children. There was nothing I oould do to convince her otherwise. Womens liberation has given women careers and a life without a man.

Kjallbee
Orem, UT

I blame the "Homerization" of our society. Almost all popular culture portrays married men as incompetent, barely functional fools. The parallel "Bartization" shows youth that to be reckless, free and rebellious is the ultimate goal. Combine that with the continual negative narrative for the future of our society (which is many times more hopeful that at any other time in history) and who can blame boys for not wanting to become men? Mom or Dad or (in the optimal casses) Mom AND Dad need to step up and teach their boys what manhood is, dispel the fears, and let them know that we need them to take that role for their own happiness and the good of all.

RanchHand
Huntsville, UT

Silly religionists; you can't discourage (i.e. prevent) some people from marrying and then be surprised that the rest don't feel it's okay to remain single.

rubytulip
Sandy, UT

I cannot count the number of men I dated who whined that they "couldn't get married. I just CAN'T." Many of them later announced they were gay and went on to pursue a significant other of the same gender. All of the comments are true, but acceptance of homosexuality in society has made getting married harder, although I have had female friends whose "gay" husbands divorced them and one former boyfriend who left his family for a man. Sooo, being single is not so bad considering the alternatives.

atl134
Salt Lake City, UT

I can't speak for all those guys at that wedding, but I know I shied away from the garter thing at the last wedding I went to but I still definitely want to marry someday.

One thing that probably makes this look more extreme... is that I assume they're talking about an LDS wedding. Somewhere in this newspaper a month or two ago it was noted that Utah LDS members have something like a 3:2 gender ratio women:men among singles aged 20-40 (something like that). If LDS women are limiting themselves to just LDS men (not all do but many do) then that would mean the primary source of reduced marriage prospects would be the reduced number of LDS men. So if 80% of LDS women and 80% of LDS men want to marry but there's 100 LDS women and 80 LDS men... that's 80 women who want to marry and only 64 who want to. Eventually they find each other and that leaves 16 extra LDS women who want to marry.

atl134
Salt Lake City, UT

@rudytulip
Women can be same-gender attracted too you know.

workingfromhomeDad
Orem, UT

Maybe you are working from a false premise. Just because guys don't line up to catch a garter doesn't mean they don't want to get married. Girls lining up to catch beautiful flowers?...great. But do I want to line up to catch some girl's used underwear? Thank you, no. The whole garter thing is creepy and inappropriate.

Paul in MD
Montgomery Village, MD

Funny story about the bouquet/garter tradition.

At my brother's wedding (not an LDS wedding), my daughter, then about 13, caught the bouquet. A few minutes later, her 10 year old brother caught the garter. Not knowing they were related, the DJ started to get them together to do the put-the-garter-on-the-girl's-leg thing, and I had to step in and explain why they REALLY shouldn't do that...

Anyhow, in my own experience, my soulmate really did fall into my lap (no, not literally). I was NOT looking at the time, but was dating a bit. My future wife and I weren't dating, but became friends. Then we got set up on a date by one of her roommates, and that was pretty much the end of our single lives. We were married a little less than a year later, and will celebrate our 25th anniversary in a few weeks.

I've seen the same thing the Eyres have, and many of the young men who seem to fear commitment come from strong, happy homes.

Utes Fan
Salt Lake City, UT

I am happily married. However, this subject interests me to an extent. Partly because I have teenage daughters who will be interested in finding a husband soon.

I find the approach to address the issue disturbing. Time and time again, in our LDS culture we take the "hit the men over the head with a hammer and maybe
they won't be so stupid and will start to get married" approach. This approach doesn't address the issue, and, in my opinion, is at least part of the reason men are avoiding marriage - don't address the issue and the real issue gets buried deeper.

Men are afraid of one thing: GOSSIP! Meaning, "John" asks "Julie" out on a date. "John" does something that "Julie" doesn't approve of - like forgetting to open the car door for "Julie" once. The next thing you know, "John" is the ward bully in the singles ward, as "Julie" spreads the gossip, and the gossip changes and "John" has a horrible reputation, and the girls won't go out with him. Both single men and women are expecting perfection and they are disappointed when they don't find it.

rbs
EAGLE MOUNTAIN, UT

A short time ago the DN ran an article concerning many issues related to young men and unfulfilled expectations. Women outnumber men in colleges and universities. Upon finishing college, few jobs are waiting for graduates and those that are do not pay salaries that are hoped for. Because the LDS culture encourages women to stay home with the children, the men are doubly concerned that they cannot afford to provide for a family on one income. Perhaps those single men decide to wait until they earn more. Now throw in the young women who expect to marry and yet maintain the lifestyle they've enjoyed with Mom and Dad, nice home,beautiful furnishings, an SUV, etc. Not that guys don't want that, too, but the combination works against marriage. Some say they expect to struggle in this down economy and feel it will bring them closer to each other - as long as it doesn't last forever.

sharrona
layton, UT

RE: Paul in MD, There are biblical reasons not to marry:
(1 Cor 7:34), “His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband.” There is truth to the idea that an unmarried woman can more faithfully serve the Lord.
Like, Some Nuns dedicate their lives to caring for the sick, poor, mentally challenged, and elderly.
Or,(1 Cor 7:8)So I(Saint Paul) say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am.

djk
blue springs, MO

marriage....well my only son finds dating a challenge. why ? the girls at byui act as though mr wealthy, mr popular, mr coolness with a truck is the only one to date ! my son is honorable, amazing, worthy, handsome, fun, a gentleman. yes this is why the girls won't date him...he isn't wealthy by the worlds view, he is popular with friends and ward members but not popular enough, he is cool to be around but not cool enough to the girls whom seek the worlds view of what an eternal sweetheart should be.
i have been married to my eternal sweetheart for 34 years. the yw and ym need to see the worlds views are not what the Lord views as marriage.
so girls...look at the honorable, average income, fun, wise, gentlemen in your classes and wards you will be surprised how many there are.

UtahMountains
Provo, UT

Generalizing about such a large group of people, in the way this article does, encourages us all to judge each other instead of understand and support each other. As a 30-somthing single female, I can say I know many good, wonderful, righteous, God-fearing people (men and women) who are doing their best to find a spouse and serve the Lord in the meantime. Is it true that there are men AND women who fit the stereotypes of being single? Yes. That doesn't mean all single people don't want a family. The reasons these members of the Church are single are as varied as the people who fall into this category.

I have a good career and a graduate degree. That doesn't mean I put those things ahead of having a family. It just means that I want to make a meaningful contribution to society until I can serve my own family.

Attitudes like those in this article don't help the situation. They just provide a forum for misconceptions and judgments to fester. Instead of pointing fingers from afar, a better approach might be to truly get to know the single members of the Church.

  • 12:10 p.m. July 22, 2012
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Uofuby5
SALT LAKE CITY, UT

I am a single lds male...

I used to want to get married, but not anymore. I have been on enough dates with LDS women to know they are not interested in me romantically. I don't see a point for me to keep wasting my time or theirs regarding dating and marriage. I honestly don't care about the LDS religions view on eternal salvation. I make a lot of money and I have seen how much importance this religions members tries to keep up with the jones's. If I do get married there would be a prenup required and the odds of a LDS girl agreeing to that are slim to none. I'll keep my hard earned money thank you very much. I am looking into adoption because I do want a family it's just sad girls don't want to give me a chance. Hopefully I can be sealed to my adopted kids.

terra nova
Park City, UT

So let me get this straight. Being reluctant to try and catch a sweaty bit of under-garment is proof that young men don't want to get married. But being excited to catch a bouquet is proof that young women want to get married.

That's the insight from the Eyres this week?

Is it reasonable to suggest that not wanting to catch the garter might not have a lot to do with a desire to marry? Maybe it reflects disgust for a silly tradition that has a new bride pulling up her dress in public while her husband reaches high up her thigh to pull off a brace originally designed to keep her hose up?

Is this a wedding or a tavern scene? Could the symbolism be more vulgar, coarse and unrefined? Somehow, it does not seem to fit the virtue and purity any real wedding. I can't conjure any event in which I'd be willing to stand up to catch a bit of underwear a new husband just pulled off his nervous new bride... ever.

There is little charm to the tradition. Not participating is certainly not evidence of not wanting to marry.

Simplicio
Redmond, WA

Okay, imaging lining up all of the unemployed people in your ward to catch one of your pay stubs, telling them they'll be next to get a job.

As a very active (and employed), single LDS man, it's sad to see stereotypes and facile assumptions being printed about single folks.

Each assertion in this piece seemed like a shallow (mis)interpretation of the situation, beginning with the public humiliation of lining up single men to catch some woman's underwear in an effort to somehow help them along (really!?). "WHAT'S UP" is right!

Further, "fear" seems overstated here as a reason for LDS men [and women] not getting married. Most of us do have substantial commitment in our lives. So it's hard to fathom why well-meaning people would then turn and use fear as a MOTIVATOR to pursue a lasting relationship. ("Get married or else!")

As astute and influential observers of families and society, I truly wish the Eyres success in bringing about improvements in the attitudes of single folks. This article, it seems, endeavors to do so from afar.

connorcarpenter
Orem, UT

Yeah I thought this article was somewhat grating, seeing as it's pretty much verbatim what I hear EVERY SUNDAY at my singles ward. To say in essence that men are not marrying because they don't understand the importance of an eternal family, don't have faith, or are not committed enough to the gospel to make it a priority is just frustrating. It just hits so much further from what I feel myself and other single men are going through. I'd like people to actually try to understand the situation before assuming they know whats going on in this complicated part of peoples' lives.

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