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My husband is not my soul mate

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  • RDJntx Austin, TX
    Dec. 12, 2013 8:04 p.m.

    When I got married back in '79 the patriarch that performed the ceremony made a comment that stuck with me even through my divorce 13 years later. He said "it is not so important that we FIND the right person, but rather that we BE the right person.

    I beleive in God, but I do not believe that he has every facet of our life planned out for us. I also do not believe that he has a vested interest in every life decision that we make. if those two things were true, there would be no need to come here to learn, to experience, and to become better people. I agree with the author there is no such thing as a "soul" mate.

    I think there is a certain type of personality that we are compatible with. and there are multiple instances of that personality, and if/when we find one, God will bless the union. but even with those blessings, there we still have our free agency to go a different direction. which is not part of God's plan. but he will use our decision to his advantage, if he chooses to.

  • Jeremy Parker Petersburg, Alaska
    Aug. 19, 2013 8:49 a.m.

    God saw the end from the beginning and knows who we will marry. If we remain true to that person then there is a "the one." If He knows we will divorce or one will die and the other re-marry, then there isn't a "the one." For me there is a "the one," and God let me know that before I ever met her and let her know before she met me and when we did meet it was like we had always known each other. But don't think for one second that is a free pass to automatic eternal bliss. We weren't and aren't clone freaks and constantly and honestly have to reconcile ourselves to each other and to God.

    God answers prayers. If we are only willing to hear the answer we want, we likely wont get much help from the answers we get (if we are even willing to hear them). But if we accept the answers He has for us from His perfect perspective then things will work out for the best. I assert that there can be a "right one." Until God tells us, He only knows.

  • oragami St. George, UT
    Aug. 16, 2013 3:22 p.m.

    In LDS culture I think we often believe (and are taught) that our "soul mate" is out there somewhere. I know people who, because of what was said in the patriarchal blessing, stay in Utah pursuing a partner who really isn't interested in marriage with them, despite the fact that staying in Utah is having widespread negative effects on their own well-being. Many Mormons believe that once they get "confirmation" from the spirit to commit to a particular person, that this person now qualifies as soul mate (seems a fairly reasonable conclusion given the premise). This belief is one of the biggest reasons people end up miserable in marriage, or divorced. The author is absolutely spot-on in her analysis. Love is a choice and an action verb.

  • DCNielsen Saratoga Springs, UT
    Aug. 16, 2013 7:14 a.m.

    While certainly helpful advice to those looking to get married I'm afraid that the advice coming from some one with only one year of marriage is somewhat ingenuousness especially when you consider that most divorces occur between three and seven years. Also, until proven otherwise it is very helpful for a couple to believe that the person they are married to is the best for them. Otherwise divorce is an option from very early on which can erode things much faster than they would without that constant thought.

  • BigAlvin COLORADO SPRINGS, CO
    Aug. 15, 2013 9:06 a.m.

    In the LDS culture (and perhaps in non-LDS Christian culture) there exist men who attempt to manipulate women into marriage with lines like “I’ve prayed about it and the Lord has revealed you are the one for me.” More years ago than I care to remember I knew a returned missionary who sprung that line on several women on first dates – until he found one who believed him. I have counseled my daughters to run or fly, not walk, away from someone like that. On the other hand, sincere prayer should be a huge part of the recipe in one's choice of a spouse.

    To “Caravan’s” list I would had sense of humor.

  • raybies Layton, UT
    Aug. 15, 2013 8:50 a.m.

    My wife is my soul mate, but only because I choose to make her that.

  • The Caravan Moves On Enid, OK
    Aug. 13, 2013 1:46 p.m.

    While I agree 100% that there is no "one perfect person" waiting out there for us to magically fall in love with and marry, there is MUCH wisdom for finding a spouse who is a good fit for our personality.

    There are preferences for....

    - time of day we are at our most energetic state
    - room temperature we prefer
    - style of communication....loud? or soft?
    - degree of spirituality
    - visual person or touching person
    - level of patience
    - willingness to apologize
    - thirst for academic knowledge
    - degree of preferred cleanliness/organization for our physical surroundings
    - and on and on the list can go

    The nice thing is that there are probably thousands of people who might be a good fit and thereby reduce many of the stressors and aggravating situations of life. I agree with the author 100% that there is no such thing as a "perfect" mate who would 'never' argue with us, but not trying to be aware of our own personality, our strengths and weaknesses, and marrying just anyone, even one who is a 'good Christian', is foolish in the extreme.

    You can't find 'perfection' so do your best to get as close as you can and dive in.

  • cval Hyde Park, UT
    Aug. 13, 2013 12:48 p.m.

    She may or may not have been my soulmate when we got married, but during the past 30 years she has certainly become such.

    I guess I missed the point.

  • Irony Guy Bountiful, Utah
    Aug. 13, 2013 12:43 p.m.

    Heaven fools us into thinking we're being fooled when we think we are.

  • zoar63 Mesa, AZ
    Aug. 13, 2013 12:23 p.m.

    The Lord definitely had a specific woman in mind for Isaac. He did not even have to search for her and it was in answer to a prayer from Abraham’s servant for help in choosing the right one; A very remarkable request that literally came to pass. See Genesis Chapter 24 for the complete account.

    And Adam and Eve very unusual match up. Moses 3:21-23, Gen 1:22-24

    And in each instance are they soul mates? I guess that is open to individual interpretation.

  • Moontan Roanoke, VA
    Aug. 13, 2013 10:24 a.m.

    @Kitten ... Re "I refuse to tell my husband 'I love you, but you're not my soul mate because such a thing doesn't exist.' All he'd do is feel crushed in not feeling special."

    Now that's how it should be. You go Sister. Not cheesy at all. That man will be secure and confident long after the man who doesn't feel all that special becomes racked with doubts and temptations.

  • Kitten Clarkston, MI
    Aug. 13, 2013 8:45 a.m.

    I can understand why people don't believe in the premise of "soul mates," but I refuse to tell my husband "I love you, but you're not my soul mate because such a thing doesn't exist." All he'd do is feel crushed in not feeling special.

    In my approach to meeting my husband, I made my standards very easy. I wanted a godly man, and I wanted to be like a princess in a princess movie. I wanted my every relationship to be the last because I believe in falling in love and chased after like Cinderella. (I apologize for having cheesy comparisons, but it's the best I can do.)

    So I guess the way I feel is that the man I'm first lead to by the unreason of love is my soul mate. But and if it feels wrong or he leaves, God has the real SHABiNG out there waiting for me.

  • Moontan Roanoke, VA
    Aug. 13, 2013 7:46 a.m.

    Consider ... go home tonight and give your spouse a loving hug. Kiss him/her lovingly, look into his/her eyes, and say, "honey, you're one of a thousand I could have had a happy life with, but I'm glad I chose you."

    Thud.

    You got the couch tonight.

  • I M LDS 2 Provo, UT
    Aug. 13, 2013 7:45 a.m.

    This young woman has been married for only about a year, and makes semantic arguments over the words "soul mate"?

    I'm not sure that bodes well for her marriage...

  • Moontan Roanoke, VA
    Aug. 13, 2013 7:27 a.m.

    I'm not sure I understand the 'choosing to love' concept. It implies an exercise of the will, of Reason.

    If she lived in France for a year, she might have heard "The heart has reasons Reason knows nothing of." Love seems more like a ton of bricks dropping on you than a calm, dispassionate analysis of a profit/loss statement.

    So she tells her man he isn't her soul mate. I truly do understand, with my head, where she is coming from with that, but the King of such matters - the heart - wants to hear something else. So does he, admit it or not.

  • george of the jungle goshen, UT
    Aug. 13, 2013 5:43 a.m.

    It's more than a conclusion, it's a commitment.

  • Wee One Santa Monica, CA
    Aug. 13, 2013 1:01 a.m.

    I do believe that the Lord knows the end from the beginning and that he knew when we left him to come to Earth what individual/individuals we would choose for our partners. That may be one reason some people feel that the person in their life feels like a soul mate. I do believe we need to choose someone and not worry so much about what could be coming down the road. Date as much as possible, decide what works best for you, make a decision and take it to the Lord for confirmation. There was a song in the 70s with a lyric that states that it is sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along. I never liked that song as it just did not seem right.

  • Dnquixote Las Vegas, NV
    Aug. 13, 2013 12:19 a.m.

    How edgy and forward thinking of you.... (Dots for derision and sarcasm). Obviously every relationship is different. That was a lot of effort to say "I don't believe my husband is my soul mate, but for really for really unique and special reasons."

  • jeanie orem, UT
    Aug. 12, 2013 10:47 p.m.

    I am always amazed that I picked the great man I did at a very young and niave age. We grew up together and have become each other's other half and have been best friends for over 25 years. I believe soul mates are grown over years of experience, not discovered and then married.

  • cjb Bountiful, UT
    Aug. 12, 2013 8:45 p.m.

    If God chose my wife for me he was wise in fooling me into making me think that she was MY choice. It would be hell for me if I was told I couldn't choose my own wife that I had to marry a person someone else chose for me.

  • The Scientist Provo, UT
    Aug. 12, 2013 8:27 p.m.

    I love the stories by Alex 1 and JCatt.

    My story is a bit different.

    No asking a fictitious deity for me. No "leading" or following or anything else. Just met a beautiful person and married her... 30 years ago!

    Couldn't be happier, and NO religion or god was necessary.

  • JCatt Corlette, 00
    Aug. 12, 2013 7:49 p.m.

    I think it's reasonable to believe that a Heavenly Father that maps out a plan of salvation for us has an individual plan for us too. I like to think of it in the context of 'good, better, best'. I know that God led me to my husband - the best! but it was my choice. I could have easily made choices that led me to my good or better but because I followed the spirit and sort guidance I ended up where I know Heavenly Father wanted me to be. That knowledge brings me great peace and expands my love for my spouse.

  • Big 'D' San Mateo, CA
    Aug. 12, 2013 7:17 p.m.

    Whatever! My wife and I were SO meant for each other. I hope Hannah's ONE isn't Somewhere Out There pining to high heaven about his failure to find Hannah. Hopefully she found him and just doesn't know it.
    But I enjoyed the article, and the comments are fantastic advice for succeeding in marriage.

  • Alex 1 Tucson, AZ
    Aug. 12, 2013 3:50 p.m.

    I used to believe that people weren't led to marry certain people. In fact, I once made fun of those who believed such things. Well, I've since had to eat my words. The fact is, I was led to my wife, but not because there could be no joy in any other person, but because I was looking for a good woman to marry. I wanted a good wife, and I asked the Lord to help me. My mother prayed that a good woman would fall in my lap. Apparently the Lord heard my and my mother's prayer. I married my wife 17 years ago, and I have to admit that I love marriage. I love it not because it is easy, but because giving it all is just plain satisfying. My expectations of marriage have matured, but I am still satisfied.

  • Shimlau SAINT GEORGE, UT
    Aug. 12, 2013 3:02 p.m.

    Long ago, my sister told me she was afraid to marry this young man, because what would happen if right after that, 'Mister Right' came along. I told her; after you're married, quit looking! It was that simple. the more you try to love someone, the more you love them. It's not easy, but it is worth it.

  • Downtime Saint George, UT
    Aug. 12, 2013 12:19 p.m.

    My father told me, after I got engaged, that I would have a wonderful life with my wife-to-be; and that we would be completely compatible. He then told me that that would be true with 1000 other women, but that it now my responsibility not to find any of those women :).

  • Mom of 8 Hyrum, UT
    Aug. 12, 2013 10:30 a.m.

    In our LDS culture too many youth are afflicted with the "Wait to see who ELSE is out there" approach to dating and marriage. They're afraid to "settle" with someone they find pretty darn good, because someone more pretty darn amazing just might be around the corner.

    He or she isn't.

    What's absolutely true is that the person you CHOOSE to love BECOMES the best mate for you. You just have to take that plunge, devote yourself entirely, and never look back.

  • eastcoastcoug Danbury, CT
    Aug. 12, 2013 9:49 a.m.

    Best advice I ever saw on marriage: "Choose your love; love your choice". It's all about choices and committing to them. Even if we were to have a "soul mate", we could still choose to leave them. It's not like we are going to have some love potion poured out on us to make us fall in love.

    Marriage is a lot of work and you have to keep doing it even after you've had success. The ability to sacrifice, love unconditionally and serve someone long term are the reasons why marriage and family are so important for us as humans. All the ills in society come from the lack of our commitment to these principles. ALL of them...