When I got married back in '79 the patriarch that performed the ceremony
made a comment that stuck with me even through my divorce 13 years later. He
said "it is not so important that we FIND the right person, but rather
that we BE the right person. I beleive in God, but I do not believe
that he has every facet of our life planned out for us. I also do not believe
that he has a vested interest in every life decision that we make. if those two
things were true, there would be no need to come here to learn, to experience,
and to become better people. I agree with the author there is no such thing as a
"soul" mate. I think there is a certain type of personality
that we are compatible with. and there are multiple instances of that
personality, and if/when we find one, God will bless the union. but even with
those blessings, there we still have our free agency to go a different
direction. which is not part of God's plan. but he will use our decision to
his advantage, if he chooses to.
God saw the end from the beginning and knows who we will marry. If we remain
true to that person then there is a "the one." If He knows we will
divorce or one will die and the other re-marry, then there isn't a "the
one." For me there is a "the one," and God let me know that before I
ever met her and let her know before she met me and when we did meet it was like
we had always known each other. But don't think for one second that is a
free pass to automatic eternal bliss. We weren't and aren't clone
freaks and constantly and honestly have to reconcile ourselves to each other and
to God.God answers prayers. If we are only willing to hear the
answer we want, we likely wont get much help from the answers we get (if we are
even willing to hear them). But if we accept the answers He has for us from His
perfect perspective then things will work out for the best. I assert that there
can be a "right one." Until God tells us, He only knows.
In LDS culture I think we often believe (and are taught) that our "soul
mate" is out there somewhere. I know people who, because of what was said in
the patriarchal blessing, stay in Utah pursuing a partner who really isn't
interested in marriage with them, despite the fact that staying in Utah is
having widespread negative effects on their own well-being. Many Mormons believe
that once they get "confirmation" from the spirit to commit to a
particular person, that this person now qualifies as soul mate (seems a fairly
reasonable conclusion given the premise). This belief is one of the biggest
reasons people end up miserable in marriage, or divorced. The author is
absolutely spot-on in her analysis. Love is a choice and an action verb.
While certainly helpful advice to those looking to get married I'm afraid
that the advice coming from some one with only one year of marriage is somewhat
ingenuousness especially when you consider that most divorces occur between
three and seven years. Also, until proven otherwise it is very helpful for a
couple to believe that the person they are married to is the best for them.
Otherwise divorce is an option from very early on which can erode things much
faster than they would without that constant thought.
In the LDS culture (and perhaps in non-LDS Christian culture) there exist men
who attempt to manipulate women into marriage with lines like
“I’ve prayed about it and the Lord has revealed you are the one for
me.” More years ago than I care to remember I knew a returned missionary
who sprung that line on several women on first dates – until he found one
who believed him. I have counseled my daughters to run or fly, not walk, away
from someone like that. On the other hand, sincere prayer should be a huge
part of the recipe in one's choice of a spouse. To
“Caravan’s” list I would had sense of humor.
My wife is my soul mate, but only because I choose to make her that.
While I agree 100% that there is no "one perfect person" waiting out
there for us to magically fall in love with and marry, there is MUCH wisdom for
finding a spouse who is a good fit for our personality. There are
preferences for....- time of day we are at our most energetic
state- room temperature we prefer- style of communication....loud?
or soft?- degree of spirituality- visual person or touching
person- level of patience- willingness to apologize- thirst
for academic knowledge- degree of preferred cleanliness/organization for
our physical surroundings- and on and on the list can goThe
nice thing is that there are probably thousands of people who might be a good
fit and thereby reduce many of the stressors and aggravating situations of life.
I agree with the author 100% that there is no such thing as a "perfect"
mate who would 'never' argue with us, but not trying to be aware of
our own personality, our strengths and weaknesses, and marrying just anyone,
even one who is a 'good Christian', is foolish in the extreme.You can't find 'perfection' so do your best to get as
close as you can and dive in.
She may or may not have been my soulmate when we got married, but during the
past 30 years she has certainly become such. I guess I missed the
Heaven fools us into thinking we're being fooled when we think we are.
The Lord definitely had a specific woman in mind for Isaac. He did not even have
to search for her and it was in answer to a prayer from Abraham’s servant
for help in choosing the right one; A very remarkable request that literally
came to pass. See Genesis Chapter 24 for the complete account.And
Adam and Eve very unusual match up. Moses 3:21-23, Gen 1:22-24And in
each instance are they soul mates? I guess that is open to individual
@Kitten ... Re "I refuse to tell my husband 'I love you, but
you're not my soul mate because such a thing doesn't exist.' All
he'd do is feel crushed in not feeling special."Now
that's how it should be. You go Sister. Not cheesy at all. That man will be
secure and confident long after the man who doesn't feel all that special
becomes racked with doubts and temptations.
I can understand why people don't believe in the premise of "soul
mates," but I refuse to tell my husband "I love you, but you're not
my soul mate because such a thing doesn't exist." All he'd do is
feel crushed in not feeling special.In my approach to meeting my
husband, I made my standards very easy. I wanted a godly man, and I wanted to be
like a princess in a princess movie. I wanted my every relationship to be the
last because I believe in falling in love and chased after like Cinderella. (I
apologize for having cheesy comparisons, but it's the best I can do.)So I guess the way I feel is that the man I'm first lead to by the
unreason of love is my soul mate. But and if it feels wrong or he leaves, God
has the real SHABiNG out there waiting for me.
Consider ... go home tonight and give your spouse a loving hug. Kiss him/her
lovingly, look into his/her eyes, and say, "honey, you're one of a
thousand I could have had a happy life with, but I'm glad I chose you."
Thud. You got the couch tonight.
This young woman has been married for only about a year, and makes semantic
arguments over the words "soul mate"?I'm not sure that
bodes well for her marriage...
I'm not sure I understand the 'choosing to love' concept. It
implies an exercise of the will, of Reason. If she lived in France
for a year, she might have heard "The heart has reasons Reason knows nothing
of." Love seems more like a ton of bricks dropping on you than a calm,
dispassionate analysis of a profit/loss statement. So she tells her
man he isn't her soul mate. I truly do understand, with my head, where she
is coming from with that, but the King of such matters - the heart - wants to
hear something else. So does he, admit it or not.
It's more than a conclusion, it's a commitment.
I do believe that the Lord knows the end from the beginning and that he knew
when we left him to come to Earth what individual/individuals we would choose
for our partners. That may be one reason some people feel that the person in
their life feels like a soul mate. I do believe we need to choose someone and
not worry so much about what could be coming down the road. Date as much as
possible, decide what works best for you, make a decision and take it to the
Lord for confirmation. There was a song in the 70s with a lyric that states
that it is sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along. I
never liked that song as it just did not seem right.
How edgy and forward thinking of you.... (Dots for derision and sarcasm).
Obviously every relationship is different. That was a lot of effort to say
"I don't believe my husband is my soul mate, but for really for really
unique and special reasons."
I am always amazed that I picked the great man I did at a very young and niave
age. We grew up together and have become each other's other half and have
been best friends for over 25 years. I believe soul mates are grown over years
of experience, not discovered and then married.
If God chose my wife for me he was wise in fooling me into making me think that
she was MY choice. It would be hell for me if I was told I couldn't choose
my own wife that I had to marry a person someone else chose for me.
I love the stories by Alex 1 and JCatt.My story is a bit
different.No asking a fictitious deity for me. No "leading"
or following or anything else. Just met a beautiful person and married her... 30
years ago!Couldn't be happier, and NO religion or god was
I think it's reasonable to believe that a Heavenly Father that maps out a
plan of salvation for us has an individual plan for us too. I like to think of
it in the context of 'good, better, best'. I know that God led me to
my husband - the best! but it was my choice. I could have easily made choices
that led me to my good or better but because I followed the spirit and sort
guidance I ended up where I know Heavenly Father wanted me to be. That knowledge
brings me great peace and expands my love for my spouse.
Whatever! My wife and I were SO meant for each other. I hope Hannah's ONE
isn't Somewhere Out There pining to high heaven about his failure to find
Hannah. Hopefully she found him and just doesn't know it.But I
enjoyed the article, and the comments are fantastic advice for succeeding in
I used to believe that people weren't led to marry certain people. In
fact, I once made fun of those who believed such things. Well, I've since
had to eat my words. The fact is, I was led to my wife, but not because there
could be no joy in any other person, but because I was looking for a good woman
to marry. I wanted a good wife, and I asked the Lord to help me. My mother
prayed that a good woman would fall in my lap. Apparently the Lord heard my and
my mother's prayer. I married my wife 17 years ago, and I have to admit
that I love marriage. I love it not because it is easy, but because giving it
all is just plain satisfying. My expectations of marriage have matured, but I
am still satisfied.
Long ago, my sister told me she was afraid to marry this young man, because what
would happen if right after that, 'Mister Right' came along. I told
her; after you're married, quit looking! It was that simple. the more you
try to love someone, the more you love them. It's not easy, but it is
My father told me, after I got engaged, that I would have a wonderful life with
my wife-to-be; and that we would be completely compatible. He then told me that
that would be true with 1000 other women, but that it now my responsibility not
to find any of those women :).
In our LDS culture too many youth are afflicted with the "Wait to see who
ELSE is out there" approach to dating and marriage. They're afraid to
"settle" with someone they find pretty darn good, because someone more
pretty darn amazing just might be around the corner.He or she
isn't.What's absolutely true is that the person you CHOOSE
to love BECOMES the best mate for you. You just have to take that plunge, devote
yourself entirely, and never look back.
Best advice I ever saw on marriage: "Choose your love; love your
choice". It's all about choices and committing to them. Even if we were
to have a "soul mate", we could still choose to leave them. It's
not like we are going to have some love potion poured out on us to make us fall
in love. Marriage is a lot of work and you have to keep doing it
even after you've had success. The ability to sacrifice, love
unconditionally and serve someone long term are the reasons why marriage and
family are so important for us as humans. All the ills in society come from the
lack of our commitment to these principles. ALL of them...