Comments about ‘How I know my wife married the 'wrong' person’

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Published: Monday, June 10 2013 2:00 p.m. MDT

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American Fork, UT

For the most part I quite agree with the article. There are a lot of people out there that don't impress me as capable of marriage today because they expect perfection, don't want to compromise and certainly don't want to work at it. Trouble is, they do it anyway, seeking the perfection and redemption of 'happily ever after'. That idea is a myth. And they make it worse with kids. Having kids should require more proof of qualification than almost anything else the average person would do. I'm not worried about any of this decline of the family, marriage under attack, population not growing, whatever theme of the week we're on here. I'm worried that people seem to be losing the ability to think things through, plan, take responsibility for themselves, or make a sound commitment. To anything. I'm not fretting marriage; we need to have those characteristics and skills for everything. At least we should, if we want to be adults. If you haven't the sense to get into a marriage that lasts, or stay out of one that won't, how are you going to get ahead in life?

Salt Lake City, UT

As I read this article, I realize that I have been happily married to the wrong person for 63 years now, and counting. We made a deal when we got married - we agreed to do things together, and to accept each other (faults and all) and never let an argument last longer than today. If some difficult decision needed to be made, and anger seemed to get in the way, we would put it on our calendar for another day (when tempers could be cool) and put it out of our minds for now. We are far from perfect as our 10 children well know. But we are happy - and the happiness becomes broader and stronger every day.

Bakersfield, CA

True, true and Amen! Marriage was meant to be hard work and sacrifice from the first kick 'out the Garden'.

However, I'm thankful God allows second chances and lessons learned. this year marks 25 years with the love of my life, my best friend, most awesome counselor/advisor/helper/partner any woman could ever hope for. He ain't perfect, but pretty darn close. He sez it like it is, is a gentleman and a rogue when it is appropriate. Will never let you down, but expects honesty and commitment commensurate with his. Oh, and we love the same God. That's our key.

My first husband and I tried hard, hevwas "all that and a bag of chips", gave me five beautiful children in 14 years of marriage. But we were/are like oil and water and tried too hard to please family, friends and church.

True love is worth the fight and the work.

BYU Track Star
Los Angeles, CA

Everybody living longer is a downside to sainted widow and widower-hood. Statistically, people have just about even odds divorcing or dying in a marriage. Some People who have qualms about divorce and are in awlful marriages secretly pray for death everyday but won't admit to it.

george of the jungle
goshen, UT

She had me at hello.

Mainly Me
Werribee, 00

I was a drug addict when my wife married me. What she saw was not the drug addict, but the man I could and did become. I'm no longer a drug addict and would never touch the stuff again. I had severe depression and PTSD, she helped me break it and I'm now depression free and the PTSD is quickly leaving. I'm fat, balding and have terrible arthritis, but she still loves me.

It isn't the outside that counts, it's what's inside.

medford, MA

President Hinckley said, "marriage is an adventure." Like navigating together in a car. there will be bumps in the road, but overall, enjoy the ride. love comes in layers. After 35 years of marriage, when I'm with my husband, I feel like I just sat in a comfortable chair. I'm not worried about my looks anymore, nor am I clamoring around tending to young children. The difficulties add a layer of love each time you resolve it. When young people tell me that a marriage certificate is 'just a piece of paper" I reply, "So is a $100 bill."

orem, UT

TwoBitsWorth - So well said! I'm at 25 years and counting, not even half way to where you are. Your rules are wise!

I love the other positive comments. Marriage is not easy - even in the best of marriages. But it really is worth the sacrifice required of both.

Sandy, UT

Once there, it's best to make the best of it. But it's not like buying a hamburger, and anyone who advises young people to go into a "settle-for" relationship is simply not giving sound counsel. It's the most important of decisions, and there are reasons why so many marriages fail, and why so many of the failed marriages actually end in divorce. Not the time to be just reaching in the barrel and pulling out someone who can fog a mirror on a cold day.

Pleasant Grove, UT

The real problem with looking for the perfect woman is this: when you find her, she's not going to be interested in you because she'll be looking for the perfect man. The best any of us can hope for is to find someone whose flaws we can live with and who can accept our flaws.

Cache county, USA

There is one rule of thumb that if most people follow, they will avoid marriage and life issues.
Try not to be selfish.

Y Ask Y
Provo, UT

Many of the sentiments expressed in this article and the comments are ideas that abused women and children (most often) invoke to justify sticking with abusive, very bad marriages.

I get the idea that nobody's perfect, and we should be more tolerant of that fact in order to make our relationships work... but there really are far too many "wrong" spouses!

And for those who proclaim their imperfections and think they are being pseudo-humble, but are hiding abuse and trying to get away with it, you should take a hard look at yourselves and determine whether or not you really are "the wrong person"!

Domestic violence, physical and emotional spouse and child abuse, are rampant, under-reported, and a plague in our society - yes, even in LDS society! Church leaders too often help cover it up; co-dependant spouses too often hide it, thereby enabling the abuser to continue; too many emotionally and physically abusive, controlling spouses (typically men) continue in denial, telling themselves they are not abusive.

Only the truth will set anyone free.

Y Ask Y
Provo, UT

So, I disagree with this article. I don't think most people are looking for perfect spouses. I think most people are just looking for someone who won't turn into a nut case; who won't take them for granted and treat them like property; who won't yell and scream at them and belittle them constantly; who won't become a control freak and try to be the "patriarch" of the family and force everyone to comply with their whims; who won't flip out over every little thing, and then try to make up for it by buying stuff, as if money can fix abuse.

People are just looking to be treated decently.

People are not so stupid as to believe they will find a perfect spouse. But they are hopefully getting smart enough to believe the wisdom of Proverbs 21:19 "It is better to dwell alone and in the wilderness than with a contentious, angry, abusive spouse."

Hyde Park, UT

@ Y ask Y:

I understand your point, and unfortunately there are many marriages where just being treated nicely and reasonably would be a big step forward.... But most of us seek for more more than that. The kind of fulfillment this article speaks to is attainable through several steps.

Choosing the right one is what you are referring to, someone reasonable and nice.
Supporting and building up your spouse is how we help them become more than they could ever be alone.

If both parties take this position, the kind of fulfillment the articles speaks to is more than just possible. It is likely.

A great marriage makes both parties more than they could ever be on their own.

Medical Lake, Washington

Before leaving the mission field, our mission president counseled us to not get married as soon as we got home - saying that was usually just hormones. Also, not to wait too long - since during that time, we tend to add to our list of expectations for marriage to the point that such a person doesn't exist; and if they did, he said, they wouldn't marry us.

Society has taught us that gratification is instant, credit cards can almost buy happiness and someone else is at fault when ever something goes wrong.

Marriage isn't a past time, a hobby or a diversion; nor is it an escape from problems. It is an adventure that can have a happy ending, but only after the challenges have been faced and overcome as a loyal team.

Farmington, UT

My wife and I have been married for close to 40 years. When people ask us to list a reason for our success, I use one word, commitment. My wife is committed to making our marriage work; so am I. Without her forgiveness, we would have quit trying long ago. Without my becoming a more empathetic and loving person, our marriage would have failed decades ago. But nothing has been more vital to the length of our marriage than our mutual commitment. I have never thought of divorce; my wife seldom has. I'm imperfect but still trying. She hardly has to try to be a better person than I, and I don't seek perfection in her or dwell on her imperfections. I hope to be a better husband next year than I am this year. And she has faith that I will improve, or maybe she would give up, but she truly loves me for the person I am, warts and all.

Eastern girl
New Haven, CT

@Y ask Y-- The article addresses unrealistic expectations that are set up in society about marriage. You are talking about something totally different-- being married to a controlling, abusive person. Obviously, that's a different scenario and when there's any kind of abuse you should get out. But just because you didn't see the warning signs (yes, they were there) doesn't mean that there isn't a place for an article addressing keeping expectations real when you have a marriage between two decent people.

The Caravan Moves On
Enid, OK

I heard today on the radio driving in to work that a survey of 18-65 yr olds rated a good, solid marriage as 8th or 9th on their list of "must haves".

In this survey, among other things, a nice TV, an internet connection and air conditioning beat out marriage.

That is absolutely pathetic.

How long, Lord, how long?....

A Guy With A Brain
Enid, OK

I say this as a person married 24 1/2 yrs who has struggled a ton with a difficult marriage:

On the one hand, the perfect future spouse simply does not exist.

Yet, on the other hand, looking for, and holding out for a person who has some basic "human interaction" skills AND personality traits that are somewhat complimentary with your own personality traits and needs, is wise. Know that "holding out" does NOT mean there's only one person like that for each person on the planet. Such thinking is foolishness; there's probably tens of thousands of people who would make good spouses for each of us.

Look for them. Keep your eyes open and your mind totally objective. Obeying the Lord's law of sexual conduct is probably the BEST tool to helping you find that kind of person. Why? Because sexual activity before marriage invariably causes one to lose their objectivity; it messes up our ability to see things as they really are. We each need a "friend" far, far more than we need a "lover" because "fireworks" sex eventually fades, or at least, does not occur every encounter, and that's OK.

Read "The Five Love Languages"!

Provo, UT

Eastern girl

"But just because you didn't see the warning signs (yes, they were there) doesn't mean that there isn't a place for an article addressing keeping expectations real when you have a marriage between two decent people."

Who are you talking about? I am still married to the love of my life, my first and only wife, now coming up on 25 years!

But just because I found and married the perfect woman does not mean that there aren't a lot of people who didn't, through no fault of their own.

My point still stands.

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